You've got to read Jon's Dec. 30th post over at Living With Purpose! Why isn't he paid for writing? He's great!
It's like I had the same experience at the doctor just the day before. Except that the receptionist recognizes me - as Randy's wife. So I read much too much into "What are you here for?" Feeling anxious, guilty, and angry simultaneously. Randy's the one with health problems, not me. I'm just a depressed hypochondriac - wasting a $20 co-pay.

So, no news yet. And, of course, no news today since they're closed (and I'm here at work - why?). Now I know for a fact my cholesterol is a little high, because the Oklahoma Blood Institute gives you your cholesterol results everytime you donate blood. And I'm pretty sure I'm peri-menopausal (even though the meno hasn't paused yet), but being just about the oldest woman in my family with an intact uterus, there's really noone I can ask.

I guess I could go by the All In The Family episode where Edith goes through "the Change". She was so upset with it, she felt like she wasn't a woman anymore. All I can tell you, if my periods stopped tomorrow, I'd be happy as a clam.

I went to the doctor this morning. My blood pressure was low - 101/84, and I had a slight fever, 99, and you would not believe what I weigh now!. When the doctor came in, I poured out everything. And instead of just throwing more anti-depressants at me, since everything I'm feeling (symptoms?) leads to a list a mile long, he decided to do a battery of blood work on me. And, yeah this sounds kind of perverted, I would like it to be something, not just my imagination.

He said the results should be in tomorrow.

It's still not really real, yet. I have the total amount written on a post-it note tacked on the hutch of my desk - yet it's not real. The money's not in my hot little hands yet - it's in between bank limbo. Randy's the one saying, "Let's go, go, GO!" and I'm the one going "Whoa!"

But on an unrelated matter, I have kind of decided to go back to the doctor. Even though he'll just tell me I need to eat less, exercise more, and TAKE MY ANTIDEPRESSANT. I know it's kind of perverted, but I'd like to think there's something wrong with me, something that explains all my symptoms - beyond Food-in-Mouth disease, that is. But right now, I can throw 20 bucks away.

On the house front, we think we're going Solitaire. This one, in fact. If we had our druthers, we'd have it flopped - so our bedroom is away from dog-woman next door. An actual garage would be nice, too. Randy's still wanting to put lots of money down, and so have a lower payment. He's all - "We're going to get this BIG settlement from the accident!"

Right. I'll believe it when I see it.

Update: I went ahead and made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning. I'd rather waste $20, than keep feeling this way.

Geez

Got another one! Oil lease, that is. On Christmas Eve. A smaller one, roughly about a quarter of the first. Wild.

These things don't normally happen to me.

About 35 Years Too Late

This story about treating anxiety in children.

Que sera, sera.

It's On Paper

But I still don't believe it! I am looking at houses now!

Oh. My. God. I'm a thousandaire!!

My News...

Requires background.

Per Wikipedia here (it has a map - which I can't figure out how to copy over here), Roger Mills County is a county located in the state of Oklahoma. As of 2000, the population is 3,436. Its county seat is Cheyenne.

The only thing I know is there is the Washita Battlefield National Historic Site, where Custer massacred pretty much every Native American he could see (and for that he has a county named after him!)

This is the area my dad and his family are from (he lived in Clinton, in Custer county, to the east of Roger Mills).

And thus we harken back to the last days of the oil bubble in the '80s. Some aunt of my Dad's (with some hideous Okie name like Gladys) signed an oil lease for something like $700,000. Which hacked my Dad off, because he thought he and his sister, my Aunt Ruth Ann, owned said property - because the late uncle had left it to them. Big arguments followed which were confusing, because I kind of ignored it. And more arguments when said aunt passed - somehow it was declared that Daddy and Ruth Ann were heirs to half and one of the seven heirs to the other half (actually taxes took most).

Afterwards, Daddy would always look to see what kind of drilling was going on out there. But the bubble had popped, and nothing come of it.

Now we fast-forward to the 21st Century, and I had forgotten about the property in Nowheresville, Oklahoma. Oklahoma was played out, I thought. I was talking to my sister yesterday, and she told me there were a couple of companies interested. My cousin had been trying to get a hold of her to get my address.

So. There is a new lease on the property in Roger Mills County. Since I have seen nothing on paper, it's really not real to me.

Surreal, maybe.

Oh My God!!

BIG NEWS!!

To be continued....

Well, Duh!

Just read this! It is UNBELIEVABLE!

It ain't that hard, people!

Having A Moment...

A Mount St. Helens moment that is. I had another crappy, weepy weekend. Not having a good Monday. Any little thing could set me off.

Today's Headline:

Kia Spectra Gets Worst Crash-Test Rating

Guess what I drive? I'd like to think my '02 model is safer than the '04 tested. HAH!! I guess I shouldn't mention my right rear tire needs to be replaced.

The Hubby said we ought to trade it off on a Honda Civic, but I'd rather have a new house. I can't afford both.

Yes, I Am...

...stuck at work. But not for much longer. I've been trying to use my time wisely, looking for a career change. I've gone about as far as I want to as call center peon. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up, I never have. Having poor self-esteem most of my life, I'm not real attuned to what I do well. When M-in-L was in the Oklahoma Heart Hospital (oh, OT, way-cool bathrooms) , I thought it would be cool to work in the lab. Being a big CSI-phile, and murder mystery buff I thought forensics would be cool. One problem crops up, though, as much as I love the sciences, I am a complete math-idiot. University of Central Oklahoma (I STILL think of it as Central State University) has a forensic science program at its College of Math & Science.

It's close to me! Close! But how do I know I can do college level work? I mean, yeah I have like 2 years at what was then Oscar Rose Junior College (now Rose State College) - no degree. But that was ages and ages ago.

Damned If I Do...

So it has come down from above:

• For the last two weekends we as a department have not met service levels. We had voluntary overtime which was not fullfilled
  therefore we will be moving to required overtime effective 12/18/04.
  All agents, including those scheduled for 12/20 class are required to work a minimum of two hours either 12/18 or 12/19 or an hour on
  each day. There is a total of 4 hours required overtime, two must be on Sat or Sun.
  If you have already signed up for Saturday or Sunday or the remainder of the week, you are not required to go back and sign up again.
  The overtime book is located up at WFM.

And:

• Reminder: If you do not fullfill your overtime committment you will receive a half occurrence.

Meaning if you blow it off, it counts as an absence. Jesus, God!! I wish I cared. This just pisses me off. I have too much going on at home, but, of course, that doesn't matter. I'm considering taking the half an occurence.

No, I can't spare it.

Life sucks. And it's dragging me down with it.

Mandatory Overtime

OOOH, SCARY!!

Not really a big deal, but it's just another one of THOSE THINGS that bother me.

• Overtime bothers me, because I don't consider it my time to give away.
• Children's books on tape or those new electronic "read along" things bother me. Sit on your butt and read to your kid. PERIOD. How did I get a reading kid? By being a reading adult.
• Along that line, don't buy children's books at Wal-Mart! They're crap. If you can't go to an actual bookstore, go to a library. If you want to buy, and don't want to or can't go to an actual bookstore, go to Target. They have a better selection of children's literature.
• Pick up your baby. Don't just stick a bottle in it's face while it sits in an infant carrier or stroller.
• Throw your trash IN THE TRASH! Not in the sink. Not on the kitchen table. Not on an end table.
• Flush. I'd add to put the toilet seat down, but that's a lost cause.

Those are the things that come to mind right now. And that's because they've threatened me with mandatory overtime here at work. Something like 4 hours, not a big deal, but it still bothers me. With Randy being in SO much pain, I don't like even being AT work, much less working over. Like today, I called him at lunch to see if his prescription was ready at the doctor's (one of those prescriptions that have to be written out every month), and, if so, if he had picked it up. OH MY GOD! I can't describe how he sounded, except I felt I needed to be home RIGHT THEN. He was beyond even the zombie mode. Needless to say, no he didn't pick up his prescription, but today is one of the days the doctor's office has after hours and I'll pick it up after work. All I could think is that he needed to be in an emergency room, being pumped full of drugs. He wasn't like this before the accident. Yes, he was still in pain all the time, but it was manageable. This zombie and beyond-zombie stuff just curls my toes. It's turned my husband from mostly active to partially home-bound (he told me yesterday, at his mom's, checking out her computer, he was in so much pain he cried - and that was just getting up out of a chair). Yes this would have happened eventually, but over time, not all at once.

They'll just have to make me. They're lucky I come to work at all.

Sorry for the Downer Posts

I feel much better now.

I can't tell you what gets into me that makes me crash. And I get frustrated when I know that I have to go to the doctor (Jesse Ray), and I know that his hands are tied by the @#$@ing Formulary of my @#$%ing prescription coverage (a small prayer: God, please make my work give prescription coverage back to Aetna - Amen). And I know what all he's going to say, because he's said it all before. But, yes, at some point of time I will go back to the doctor - maybe after the holidays.

I've been feeling kind of funny the last couple of days. I still have the intense rage just under the surface, which, for a Customer Service agent, isn't a good thing. But, also, I've been feeling kind of woozy, little dizzy spells. And, just now, I've gotten really cold. I originally blamed that on eating ice earlier, when I finished my water, but I'm not sure now, since I'm still cold.

Of course I could be being a hypochondriac.

Oh, and today, while I still don't like myself, I'm not suicidal.

So I Was Right...

Nobody Cares.

Weepy Weekend

I've had such a weepy weekend. I would have rather been at work. I could have done overtime on Saturday, but Randy gave me puppy-dog eyes, he didn't want me to. All we do on Saturday any more is go with the M-in-L Wal-Marting. And I feel like such a third wheel. And they're always ragging on somebody (usually Jimmy) - he doesn't know anything about money - he thinks everything is handed to him - he should be saving his money - I'm going to take that car back if he doesn't pay me - Jason (Randy's son) always paid me (talk about rose-colored glasses!) - and on and on and on - unrelenting negativity. I just wanted to scream. And they started right back on it on Sunday (when we go to her house to read the paper). She had bought doughnuts (like usual), and she made sausage and scrambled eggs. Because I didn't jump up and do dishes (granted, I guess I should), the M-in-L carped "I'm going to start charging for breakfast!" And again, started in on Jimmy. And how her wonderful youngest son paid his own way in college. I kind of snapped. Yes, I should have just kept my mouth shut. I internalize everything else. I told her he was stupid for doing so. That my ex had his college paid for, he had been in the Air Force (one of the reasons I didn't mind working while he went to school).

So, right now, I'm a bundle of conflicting emotions - rage (I feel like I could turn into a She-Hulk at any moment), intense self-hatred, sadness, and I'm sooo tired - I've got such a weight on my shoulders, I feel like I'm going to break.

And nobody cares.

Well, I guess I can't really say that. My husband cares, but he doesn't really know how to handle my depression and he has enough on his plate already.

Truth be told, now that I'm at work, I feel a little better. I'm not quite suicidal. Oh, don't get so upset! I think about it, I don't do.

I'm supposed to go back to the doctor, before he will write another prescription. But, geez, what a waste of time! He'll tell me I need to lose weight, and I need to exercise. We'll discuss how I'm doing on Zoloft (I'm Not!). I'll tell him that I do best on Lexapro, but it's not on the formulary, and I don't like paying full price when I have health insurance that's SUPPOSED to cover things like that. So, no, I'm not going back to the doctor, not right now. It serves no purpose.

A Cry in the Darkness

I had an argument with the Hubby last night. Politics. I know - why don't I just keep my mouth shut! Ended up with the same worthless feeling - why am I here - Randy would be better off without me - God, I wish I was....

Yeah, I know - Life is precious, a gift from God - yada, yada, yada.

Of course, this morning the Hubby has forgotten all about it.

I wish I could. I wish I could be as positive towards myself as my handful of readers are. Today it's just not there. My life, my existence, doesn't matter a damn.

Maybe I Can Relax A Little

I just got finished reading this article. About how being an over-protective parent is now the norm. This is NOT me. It was, however, my parents. I'm certainly not going to go there! My parents did the best they could under the circumstances. What did people know about depression in the '70s? Especially in children.

I can't say I'm a great parent. But maybe I can relax a little. I'm still frustrated, but I can live with that.

An Update to Jimmy's Update

I think I did write about this, but I'm not sure - the little brou-ha-ha over Jimmy flying down to see his Dad over the weekend. Randy and Jimmy are still in kind of a feud, and, of course, I'm in the middle and think both of them are acting like children. And no, neither has an excuse.

Anyway, Jimmy and I had a little confab on the way to the airport (a roughly 45-50 minute drive from Guthrie). He asked me if I would be upset if he dropped Honors Calculus. "I'm just not getting it," he said. I can certainly understand not getting math, so I asked him what his grade was. It was like a B or a C. And, you know, if it was a C or a D I might have been sympathetic. I think some of the problem is everything has always just came to him. Now he's in a class he has to think about, has to work at. Having to ask for help is okay (just hard to do).
Also he's unsure about college (I'm not!!) - he doesn't know what to study. He had always assumed he would go into video game programming. I'm sorry to say, reality has hit him in the face. He's not an artist, heck he can't draw at all! And he really doesn't like computers. I told him he would be a good teacher, although they don't make alot of money (more than me!). He kind of agreed with me. And I didn't say so, he'd probably make a good lawyer, too. He's stubborn and argumentative.

I'm sorry, I'm believe that even if you end up a Wal-Mart greeter, a college education is it's own reward. And one should consider themselves lucky to be able to get one.

I didn't buy a new dress, but I also didn't wear the one I wore two years ago (the "Liquid Chicken" Christmas party). Yes, I was casual amid a sea of formals (I wore the sleeveless denim jumper I got at Old Navy on sale for a buck with my black ankle boots), but I was comfortable. I actually felt good. And the food was good, I had, I think, chicken parmesiana - anyway it was a stuffed chicken breast covered in cheese. Randy had the roast beef. Oh, and there was a fudge cake that was to die for - Icouldn't even finish it!

I laughed. I talked (!). I even danced! And I won a $100 travelers check! Yeah, I would have like to win one of the agent and companion passes, or the grand prize (called "Pack Your Bags") a trip to San Francisco, but, geez, I never win anything! I'll take what I get.

It was a fantastic night. I really have to give it up to Randy, he stayed longer than he should have - for me.

Most of my life, I've felt I was on the outside looking in, wanting to belong. Friday night, I belonged! And it felt fantastic!!!

I'd like to feel that way more often.

Party Hearty

My work Christmas party is tonight, and I'm only working (HA! I'm in a training class for Customer Service Tour - no, it's not work) a half day today. That matters because I mainly do my blogging from work.

I'm going to have to buy a new dress. I've gained soooo much weight this year. I wish I could blame my Zoloft, but since I do little exercise and eat too much, I can only blame myself. But I just can't get my head into losing weight. It all goes back to my Rule No. 1 of successful weight loss - You have to like yourself for the person you are, because the person you are is not going to change. I don't really like myself. I mean, I'm not smart; I'm not pretty; I don't like to clean house; I don't like to cook (our oven is messed up anyway); I'm shy; I'm quiet.

Jimmy Update

Things came to a head between Jimmy and Randy. Evidently they had a big, hairy fight yesterday while I was at work. In a perverse way, I was actually proud that Jimmy stood up to Randy. He'd never done that before. He told Randy that Randy treats our dogs better than him. Randy asked me, "Is that true?" I shrugged my shoulders. I don't know.

So I spoke to him before he left for school, which was difficult because I was running late, and Jimmy, you'd think he was made of stone. I told him that he didn't have to like Randy, but he has to respect him, because Randy does love him. And I told him to pay more attention to his Grandma (Randy's Mom), and to check his oil.

Have NO idea if any of it sank in.

I've decided that I'm the Fool on the Hill of the family.

Insurance Update

I've been informed that the Tahoe will be ready on Friday. And that the lawyer wants Randy to see a Pain Management Specialist. I asked Randy, "On whose nickel?" Randy swears it's theirs. Oh and he took them the other insurance's check yesterday, and he did tell them how we had been screwed some years ago by bankruptcy attorney(let me tell you, bankruptcy is a racket), but he didn't remember the name (I DO!). So I feel a little better now. Randy's in a hideous amount of pain today. He says it's been building since yesterday. The more pain he's in the bigger settlement he wants.

And it all could have been over, if they talked to us, and paid for all the repairs, and the like $75.00 we've spent on the doctor and prescriptions.

Randy informed me that Cheyenne is in heat. And we've learned Bubba has the wrong name - it should be Horn-Dawg. Oh My God! You'd think he's in pain.

I had two really weird dreams last night. The first one was before the dog alarm went of at 4:00am. One of my movie dreams. Really hard to discribe. Kind of a Doris Day-Rock Hudson-ish movie combined with spy thriller. The second one was after I walked the dogs, napping in the recliner in the living room. It was before I went to work, I had mixed the contents of two pill bottles together, I thought they were the same prescription. I needed to take my anti-depressant (OMG, I'm dreaming about it!), I pour out some pills, and take one. Then I realize that I had combined different prescriptions, and I had taken one of Randy's. But I had to go to work. So, then I'm in my car, and it's dark outside (why I'm going to work in the dark, I'll never know), and I'm getting sleepy. I keep getting sleepier and sleepier, then it feels like I can't control my body. My car starts to go backwards. I tell myself all I need to do is step on the brake, but I can't. I wake up, but for a second, I'm still going backwards. Then I realize I'm in the recliner, in then living room, safe.

On the Jimmy front, last weekend I got the ex's check in the mail, it came with an itinerary for my son for this weekend. And that's the first we know about it. You know, when Jimmy was little I thought it was soooo cool that he had my personality, we just meshed. Now, he has the parts of my personality that I didn't want him to have: he's shy, and he keeps everything all bottled up inside. I've told him over and over he can talk to us. Somewhere up in heaven, my mother is sighing with relief, "Thank God! It wasn't me after all!"
And he still hasn't given any sign of what he wants to do after he graduates. And he needs to be doing something right now. He can decide not to go to college, or join the military - it is his life and his decision (and, yes, not to decide is also a decision). I just hate to see such a wonderful mind going to waste. I want to nag, to scream and yell, to shake him until he comes to his senses, but my gut goes with the baby bird analogy - he has to learn there are consequences to his actions. He has to make his own mistakes now, whether I like it or not.

My Rogie-Dogie

A horrible thing happened on Saturday afternoon. I feel responsible. My husband feels responsible. Now I'm just numb.

Our wolf hybrid, Cheyenne, who Randy moved just last week, killed our Dachshund, Rogue. In front of me. I'm an accomplice to a murder.

Bubba was woofing, wanting to go out. I know he really didn't want to potty, he wanted to "hang around" Cheyenne. But Bubba's kind of like Bart Simpson, and keeps on woofing until he gets his way. So, we all went out, Bubba and Cooter on leashes, Rogue and Heidi loose. Since Cheyenne had been moved to the place we usually go down to the creek and to the "back back", I was going to go a different way. But evidently Rogue had forgotten Cheyenne had been moved, and ran straight for her. And that's how quick it was. I ran over, yelling "NO! NO!" I still had a death grip on the leashes, so Bubba and Cooter were in tow. Cooter started to yelp, not because he was being attacked, but because he's scared of her already. Heidi tried to put herself between Rogue and Cheyenne. And Randy had ran out, and had to beat on her to get her to release rogue. But it was over. We laid her to rest in the back yard. I said the 23rd Psalm to myself, well, what I remembered of it. And cried, and cried, and cried.

I blamed myself, Randy still blames himself. And Cheyenne is going to be put down, or given away. We don't really blame Cheyenne, it's her nature. But who's next? One of our cats? Cooter? Or maybe a child who comes into the yard?

To be honest, it's not the way I thought she would go. As I have said before, I have an entourage when I walk Bubba and Cooter. I just walk to the next corner and back. When a car comes, I can hold the bassetts back, would run in front of it. So I had to call to her, sweetly so she didn't think she did anything wrong; then squat down and point to the ground in front of me, all so I could pick her up before the car came. And cars go way to fast on the roads here at Meth Lab Estates. Like last night, I swore I was going to be run over and I was on the opposite side of the road, almost off the road! That's how I thought she would go, she's kind of a knucklehead.

You know, she was named Rogue after the X-Man character, because she was the puppy who did everything first - out the box, on to the sofa, etc. Being a dachshund, she acted as though she were a much bigger dog. You'd have to catch her, because she would run out and bark ferociously at the biggest dog. And because she was teased mercilessly by a neighbor who wore a ball cap all the time, she hated guys in hats. Even those she knew, if they came in wearing a hat, she'd bark at him until the hat came off.
Whenever she wanted something, food, water, or to potty, she did a little dance you had to interpret: she'd spin around in the living room, go up to the kitchen and spin around, and then stand on the kitchen steps and stare at you. And she repeated if you were dense enough not to understand. We called it her "bee dance".
And she loved to see her Grandma. She loved to take walks with us in the pasture. She would run with abandon, completely happy.
She was also a cold natured dog. Any time you covered up with a blanket, you got the little black-and-tan dog, too. Since the door to our bedroom didn't close right, all she had to do is run down the hall and throw herself against the door to open it, then she jump up on the bed and whine until she was under the covers, between us. I usually got the toenails.

She was a wonder. She'll be missed.

**UPDATE** Cheyenne has had a temporary reprieve. Only if Jason's friend, Tommy, her previous owner, can find a home for her by next Monday

OH...MY...GOD

Two things...

1. Ok, I don't know where to start with this. Their insurance has NEVER talked to us personally. They've spoken only to the body shop. So, it was the body shop who told Randy about the 80% thing. When I got home yesterday, Randy had put the days mail in a pile by his chair (and the dogs had spread out from there). I noticed something with my name on it, but my name was slightly misspelled - no idea who it was from. I opened it up and it was a check from their insurance for just over $4,000 for 80% of the damage to the Tahoe. Saying we were pissed just doesn't go into it. We've gotten screwed and didn't get to enjoy it. Needless to say, we are not cashing the check. It's being sent to our lawyer.
2. And on a happy, but still aggravating, note: Jimmy got his ACT scores in the mail yesterday. Of course he saw them at school, but I only knew the composite score (30!). That itself is on the 97th percentile! Jimmy's comment was that that meant there was 3 percent better than him. His lowest single score was science (24), which was on the 80th percentile! Some of them he topped out! I am soooo proud! Aggravated, but proud.
   

Update to Yesterday

Ok, I'm not sure I told this yesterday, but the girl's insurance told the body shop they think they're only liable for 80% of the damage.

RIGHT!

Randy spoke to the body shop today, they told him they're trying to total out the Tahoe. But it's doubtful that would be enough to buy a new car. So he's seeing a lawyer today. And we're still getting advice from his brother.

Oh, I'm in training. It started this week, and will go on for like 2 more. Learning international travel, tours and such. I'm temporarily on an 8:30 to 5:00 shift. You know, I may be an early riser, but I do not like to jump and run. I like to ease into my day. This shift bites. I am wiped out.

My husband got a copy of the police report today. And it shows... wait for it... failure to yield the right-of-way! So, why is their insurance dragging their feet?
Oh, Randy's brother, sorry no love lost, studying to be a lawyer, wanted to see the accident report, because we may be partially at fault if we didn't try to avoid it enough(?!) - right. I just want it over with. I want the Tahoe repaired. I don't give a hoot in hell about any extra money for pain and suffering, or mental anguish - I just want it over.

I have learned from my son's school counselor that he is a potential Academic Allstater, but the application has to be postmarked by Dec. 3. Jimmy's kind of bummed because a couple of his scores are lower than when he took the ACT test before. And Jimmy feels he has to apply for the Academic Allstate, because, since I've been in contact with his school counselor, he states she's "all mad" at him. I told him I think she has a reason to be mad at him. He's at the point where I have to push him out of the nest, and he either has to fly or fall to the ground. And no, that's not easy for me. But, because I was depressed and ultra-shy, my parents went out of their way to protect me. They just wanted me happy.
I don't want him to fritter away his future. I understand that it's close, and it's scary, and he doesn't have a clue as to what he wants to do. I'm actually cool with all that. I want him to go to college!

Post-Accident Update

The doctor finally called Randy back yesterday. He said the X-rays showed degenerative disc disease, but no additional injury. The accident aggrivated it. Randy said he already knew about it, though it was news to me. According to what I've read, it's pretty common. Happens naturally when we get older (although Randy certainly wasn't old when we first found out about his spine).

We, and the Body Shop, still haven't heard anything from their insurance. Ours is ready and waiting, but we didn't want to have to use it - IT WASN'T OUR FAULT (not to beat a dead horse, but she had a stop sign - we didn't). So, Randy is thinking of getting a lawyer. Yes, it may be necessary, due to their feet dragging, but, geez, does it leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Let Me Scream It From The Mountaintop...

My son got a 30 on the ACT!!

redux

My anxiety level is, again, through the roof. It's hard to get myself going and do something. Randy heard from the doctor (himself), unfortunately it was when he was at his Mom's. So now they're playing telephone tag. Of course I'm at work and don't know what the hell is going on.

This doesn't seem normal to me. I have been taking my pill, for the most part.

And, no I haven't worked on the novel (short story) lately. I just don't feel like it.

There's Not Enough Food

To satisfy my hunger.

Randy had his lower lumbar x-rays today. My not flat, non-bendable hubby had to lie on a flat table. He says they did give him a pillow, which he doubled up. He said they griped about that. And he says he's been sweating all day. And the last time he did that was when he was in the National Guard and had all those stress fractures.

Shouldn't he be in the hospital or something?

Through the Roof

My anxiety level, that is. My husband's pain is getting worse. And now he can twist! He hasn't been able to do that in over 5 years! And while, on the surface that may seem to be a good thing, it bothers me. Randy's going to the doctor today, but I don't know if I can get off to go with him. Luckily his son has today off. Do you know how much I HATE putting my job ahead of my family?! I'd like to say "My job be damned! My place is with my family right now!" But that could be counter-productive. I doesn't serve any purpose to lose my job (no matter how much it annoys me). I just wish I could take some time off (preferably with pay), without jeopardizing my job.

My husband is the strongest person I've ever met. He's the one who laughed at a broken ankle (and the thin leg bone). It just breaks my heart to see him in such hideous pain. Pain I don't actually think can be eased.

I don't want to be here today.

**UPDATE** I'm taking half an occurence (which does put me on a written warning), so I can be with the Hubby at the doctors. Since I do the majority of my blogging from work, that means Goodbye for today.

Second Post

Up and Running!!

Bizzaro World Update

The tahoe is now at the body shop. Our insurance is being great (so far). Their insurance is saying it was OUR FAULT because of INATTENTIVE DRIVING.

Excuse my language, CROCK OF SHIT!!

She had a stop sign, we didn't - period.

When Did I Slip Into Bizzaro World?

Evidently my husband got called by every chiropractor in the Greater OKC area yesterday. They told him he didn't need money, that they'd pick him up, etc. Wild.

But even wilder, he learned from our insurance agent "Chip" (I kid you not), that the grandfather of the girl who DIDN'T YIELD THE RIGHT-OF-WAY is going to get a lawyer.

Excuse my language, but, WTF?! She didn't yield the right-of-way! We were going east-bound of 122nd Street and we had the RIGHT-OF-WAY!! She cut in front of us!

And we still haven't heard from her insurance! Some dude named Raymond is supposed to contact us. Nothing. And this is difficult for me, because I work in Moore, roughly 45 miles from home. And I work in a call center, so the only time I have to make calls are on my breaks.

Oh, and just now, we had to get off the phones for about 15 minutes, for a tornado warning. The tornado in question was nowhere near Moore, it was around NE 50th and Hiawassee - northeastern Oklahoma County. Moore is in northern Cleveland county, south of Oklahoma county. Gosh, these people are skittish!

My First Post

Of my blog novel is up here! I'm sooo nervous!

**SIGH**

I had a car accident on Sunday, around noon-1pm. A girl was trying to go straight across 122nd Street from the I35 service road to the State Commuter Parking Lot and we were going west-bound on 122nd. Me and the Hubby, who was driving, and 3 of our dogs, Rogue the dachshund, Cooter and Bubba the bassets were in our '95, 162,000-plus mi, paid for Tahoe. 122nd is a 45-mph street, but since we had just pulled out of a Shell station (we got pops), I don't think it was up to speed yet. Randy jammed on the brakes, but there was no where to go. Yes, we were wearing our seatbelts (everyone has asked that). It was a pretty soft contact, considering. One thing that bothers me, Randy's airbad didn't deploy. Isn't that thing supposed to go off in a 5-10 mph wreck? I mean our front end hit her rear passenger quarter?

Luckily noone was seriously hurt. I spent most of yesterday going with the Hubby to the doctor, and then to get X-rays. Randy's in a lot more pain, he's got a pinched nerve in his shoulder that makes two fingers in his left hand go to sleep. He gave him another muscle relaxer and some steroids. It could have been a lot worse. With Randy's spine fused, it may be a good thing the airbag didn't go off. And to think, he thought of taking my Kia, because of the gas mileage.

About my job, I guess I still have it. I haven't heard otherwise (yet). I did learn today, that if either of us had gone to the hospital, the absense would have been excused. Randy's mother convinced us to go to our regular doctor, rather than the emergency room, because he knows all about Randy's problems.

They haven't told me to leave. And they haven't come to my desk with empty boxes (yet). But they also haven't told me my job is secure (for now).

Oh, and to top it all off, because we forgot to put the insurance verification form in the car, we got a ticket. Which meant first we went to our insurance agent and got replacements, and then I got to go downtown (the Hubby doesn't like to go downtown when his feeling good) to show them to have the ticket dismissed.

It was a long, tiring day.

Oh, yeah, me and the dogs are ok.

I Have A Feeling

An odd, hopefully wrong feeling that I'm going to be fired.

**SIGH**

It's Over

The Hubby is satisfied.

I'm disraught.

The world has turned into a hateful, mean, intolerant place.

I have said many times, I have no religion. I don't, but this is my profession.

I'm Sorry

My depression is kicking my rear end this week. The only thoughts in my head are self-defeating. I know my anti-depressant isn't the greatest, but I guess it does some good. The fight to keep up my resolve is so tiring. And I wonder if I'm worth the effort.

You know, when Jimmy was 5(or 6), I went through my post-divorce, post-icky-bad-rebound-relasionship depression, I used to love watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood with my son before he went to Kindergarten (Eastside Elementary in Midwest City, We lived in the area then, so he was in the afternoon class). He told me everything I needed to hear.

And earlier, in my childhood depression, my Mom was perennially perky one. I didn't believe her, but I needed to hear it.

I guess, now at (ick) 45, I should be secure. I shouldn't need Mr. Rogers or my Mom (I wish she were here - pre stroke) to boost my (non exsistent) self-esteem. How I envy confident, outgoing, optimistic people. I am none of those (except I'm optimistic when it comes to my son, and I try to be for my husband).

Yeah, I probably need to go to the doctor (Jesse Ray Campbell). A waste of $20.
I guess I should say "I'm worth the money!"

right.

I Had A Fight

With the Hubby this morning. Actually it's becoming all the time anymore. And it's such a silly thing - he's a Bush supporter and I'm avidly Kerry.

And, No, goddamnit! I am not backing down.

I may be right, but I'm the one torn apart by it. I just feel sick. I know I ought to go ahead and spew everything that's roiling inside me, after all that's kind of why I started this blog (with 1 reader!), but what's the point? God! What's the point of anything?!!

I am sooo worthless.

**UPDATE** I feel a little better now. Not much, but a little. I'd like to say it'll be better after we vote, but we voted early on Saturday (to accomodate his mother) at the County Election Board.
**SIGH** I still don't feel like anything.

NaNoBlogMo Is Not An Alien Species

And NaNoWriMo is not his brother. What it is, uncannily, is something I've said a long, long time: That everybody has the potential for that ONE GREAT BOOK (ala Harper Lee). In November, Blogger is helping everyone (who wants to) participate in National Novel Writing Month.

I'm thinking I'm gonna do it! I'm not real sure, but I did register with nanowrimo.org. I haven't a clue as to what to write, so I haven't set up an alternate Novel Blog yet. I'm gonna have to think about it.

Scary!

Exciting!

I think I can do it - but I'm not sure!

I Could Just Cry

I've screwed with my template. I was merely trying to change the word "Links" to "Blogs". Now it's not coming in right, and I don't know what (the do-dah-day!) I've done wrong. That means I need to step back and calm down. Maybe play a game. My favorite is Bookworm. Yes, I am a nerd.

And now, accidentally, I hung up on a customer. I tried to call him back, but got a busy signal (gee, I wonder why?). My frustration level is rising. No, I haven't taken my pill in a while. I only have one left - and won't have the money to refill until Friday. And it doesn't even work that well!

You know, I know I am pretty darn blessed - great husband (so he's got a few health issues), great son, I still have a job (so far), I can pay my bills, I have a roof over my head. There are just some things I wish I had - self-confidence, self-esteem, if not happiness - contentment.

AARRGH!!

I finally met one of the candidates for Logan County Commissioner - District 2. I guess Kevin Leach, the Democrat expects to get by on his name alone. He certainly hasn't been visiting his constituency. How the hell am I supposed to know anything about him - other than my Husband either knows him or knows of him.

Now the other guy, Republican Mike Pearson, came to our hovel, talked to us, listened to us, you know, what a candidate is supposed to do. He was nice. His ideas, while esteemable, seem a little unworkable. Like he wants to pave the road our road tees off of - Midwest. People drive waaay too fast as it is! So, if it was paved, we'd have to rely on our invisible sheriff's department (I'd vote for the Republican there too, but he's unopposed).

I guess in the scheme of things, what we care about in our district is pretty minor - road drainage, fixing potholes instead of creating temporary speed bumps, getting ditches mowed so you can see what's coming, road graders who actually know what they're doing - and actually DO IT. Well, I can gripe about the City of Guthrie, but since I live outside of it, I can't do anything about it. I CAN do something about my county district.

I know Bubba (the Bassett - possibly Bassett/Beagle) can't ignore the call of nature. I am, in fact, really grateful that he does bark at me to walk him (even at 3:45am), instead of the alternative (which I'm still working on with Cooter the puppy).

It's cloudy and stuffy, the one lamp's light just casting an orange pall, rather than illumination. Bubba's on the bungee leash, Cooter on the cheapie chain leash. One wonders what will happen when Cooter gets older, and matches Bubba pound for pound, because they're usually going in opposite directions, with me in the middle. Right now, Cooter goes where Bubba goes.

We are planning to go our usual way - up the driveway to the road, down the road to the corner (where the light ends) and back. Bubba usually wants to do more, but that's why he's on a leash! So, when we got up to the road, it had never been there before, I guess it looked like a monster to Bubba - big, dark, threatening. He startes running, stretching the leash to the limits, barking his most threatening bark. And yes, that means me and Cooter are in tow. He was ready to attack whatever it was.

"Bubba, it's a trash can!" I'm yelling - being ignored. Yes, a trash can. the big, wheeled type used by cities, designed to be grabbed by a claw on the trash truck. The old guy on the corner must have just contracted with the waste company who handles Guthrie's trash pickup, it's the first time I've seen it.
"Rogue, SHUT UP!" Rogue is the black-and-tan Dachshund who barks because her head rattles, continues to bark after I've gotten Bubba to realize the trash can isn't going to attack. Although I do lift the lid a little and make growling sounds, but Bubba didn't bite on it. He peed on it a couple of times to show his conquest.

I drag the dogs home (almost literally), and fall back into bed. Two hours later, Bubba decides he needs to potty again. It's 6:00am.

**SIGH**

I'm a little sad today, but not as sad as yesterday. I still don't have a lot of self-confidence. I know that if I like my stories, that should be enough. But it's not. I always wanted to be like Harper Lee. I wanted to have that one great book. I'm frustrated. I don't think I'm good enough. Maybe it shouldn't matter, but it does.

In other news - I was really impressed with the Hubby's bathroom work. Yes, the floor is kind of a hodge-podge of not-nailed-down plywood, but there aren't any holes for animals to get in (cats) or out (Bubba the Bassett). And yes, the toilet is still flushing slow, but that's my fault - I accidently flushed a small comb. I did purchase a much better plunger, it doesn't collapse.

My son's Fall Break started yesterday. He and the Hubby went to Edmond and bought some video games and stuff. They may not say so, but they really do like doing things together.

And This Is A Surprise?

I found this article on Yahoo News, stating cost more than stigma, keeps people from getting the help they (I) need for their depression. Like, right now, I'm on Zoloft because it's on the formulary when Lexapro works better on me. Oh, and let's just forget about seeing a counselor! The copay may be $20 or $30 dollars, but, geez, $20-30 a week for how long? !

I just can't afford it.

I'm achy and tired and whatever creativity I claim to have just isn't available right now.

On the upside, the Hubby says he has fixed the toilet and the gaping hole in the bathroom. He says the dogs can no longer use it as an escape route, but the cats may still be able to.

Told the Hubby not to overdo it, he really doesn't bend that way anymore. He said he probably already did, but was about to knock off.

happy days.

Home Improvement?

Back to work after my four day weekend. And I have discovered that my job is not the worst thing I could do. Of course, I basically knew that. My job is just mind-numbing.
The worst things? The things I never want to have to do again? Well, they involve plumbing - and having to crawl under the house.

You know I call my neighborhood Meth Lab Estates, a little mobile home community outside of Guthrie. I live on almost 2 acres, wooded, a dry creek in the back. I live in a 14' x 80' single-wide mobile home - 3 bed, 2 bath. My husband had decided that it had been in a flood, as the floors are rotting. I've kind of decided the flood may have been man-made - the floors rotting away in the kitchen by the sink (the counter of which is also rotted away), by the washing machine, in the two bathrooms, and by the front door.

Yesterday we (meaning my husband), decided to reseat the toilet in the kid's bathroom and put new plywood on the floor. Piece of cake, right?! Wrong! Got everything done - was reconnecting the water line (which for some bizarre reason doesn't have a turnoff knob-thing), and the line leaked - bad. Tried putting a new o-ring in the connector - didn't work. And all the while, because the person we purchased the land from did such a slap-dash job, to turn off our water, you turn off our next door neighbor's (who was, luckily, out) as well. I ran to Lowe's to get parts - but got there after they had closed. In the mean time, the Hubby had found some parts from a previous plumbing adventure, and bypassed the toilet.

Yes, the toilet is connected to the sewer pipe (another hideous job I hope I never have to do again), but since there is no water to the toilet - you have to have a bucket of water handy. Oh and there is an even bigger, gaping hole still in the floor (which Bubba, the basset hound, loves - it being his escape route of choice), since we didn't get finished.

Bubba escaped twice during our home-nonimprovement frenzy. The first time, I slipped on gravel in our dirt driveway, running to get him and fell down forward (today, my knees are killing me). The second time, I was quite harsh to poor Bubba, and he decided to sleep instead of escaping.

I cannot help my husband as much as I would like to. I can't lift as much as he can, or tighten nuts as tightly as he can. And since he had to put himself into, what is for him, unnatural positions - he's in quite a bit of pain and unwilling to finish just yet. I don't blame him. He pushes himself way too hard anyway.

God, I want a new house. I just can't afford one.

Happy Birthday

To Jimmy!!

18!!!

And to sports fans - born on the day the Mets won the Pennant!

There IS a God!

...and he doesn't always ignore me!

I've posted previously how I was bummed my son was going to his Dad's for his 18th birthday, Friday.

Well, yesterday, when I got home from work, I learned Jimmy was scheduled to work, well, his normal shift, Thursday through Monday. Evidently his Dad threw an unholy fit when he found out. I asked Jimmy, when he starts on Saturday, at 3pm, so I said I'd like him to come to my party (at Shorty Small's in Edmond), if his Dad didn't didn't mind. He said he'd get his Dad to come up on Sunday instead. Yeah, he'll only be able to be there like an hour, but I'll take it!

I am SOOO DAMN HAPPY!!!

This is the best birthday ever!

Happy Birthday!

To me!!!

Happy Birthday

To my late, great Father-in-Law - John William!! Sorry not sure what age he would be. But he's a great man and he is missed.

Crappy

It's how I feel.

It's how my weekend was.

I better quit. If I keep on writing, I'll just spew self-hatred.



Yes, I did take my pill - today.

Happy Birthday!

To Mama!

She may not be here, but it's still her birthday! She would've been 80!!

For God's sake, don't smoke!

He knew he shouldn't be here. Maybe... Maybe he was dangerous. He needed to go away - far away, to figure out who, or what, he had become.
But here he still was, as if looking into a window on the past. Some questions had been answered, replaced with others. Why was still there, and it cut right to the bone.
Then he noticed her, a little speck in the distance, sitting on the dock looking into the dark water moving beneath her. She shouldn't be there. She wasn't allowed in the daytime, much less now. He could vaguely hear her mother calling for her. She should be able to hear, why was she ignoring her mother?

"What are you doing, sweetie?" You would think you could hear his heart break. "You know you shouldn't be here."

"I wanted to see you, Daddy. Mommy said you were gone. That I wasn't going to see you any more."

"I have to go away, sweetie. I'm not...I don't..."

"Then take me with you!"

"Oh, honey, you know I can't do that," his voice breaks, "Daddy has changed and nobody can know. I have to go now. You run back to the house, your mother's frantic. Just know I will always, always love you! You will always be my little girl! Now go home! Go on!"

He watches the girl run back to the house, the frantic cries for the girl turning into anger. He swims away.

Of All the Charlie Browns in the World...

I am the Charlie Browniest!

Really insecure!

Kinda sad - and crampy.

I really need to stop comparing myself to others. It doesn't go well.

I don't know, I guess I should have just left it in my head.

I'm not special. I'm not going to amount to anything more than I am right now.

**SIGH**

For You, Jon

I have four stories that rotate in my head. All with beginnings and middles, but no clear end. Two have more backgroud, because they're older. And they're all different catagories (in no particular order):

• 1 is fantasyish, actually yet another variation of Aladdin's Lamp. A boy, early teens, buys a knickknack (not sure what - lamps have been done to death) in an antique store for his mom (she's divorced from his dad, and while she tries to make sure he has a good relationship with his father, who treats fatherhood as more of a hobby, talking is difficult and they usually end up in an argument). The genie (or is it djin?), was a man in his early thirties, a little arrogant, a lot vain, who was to sell his horses to (important guy [emir, vizeer - I don't know]). He has an affair with important guy's daughter. Long story short, family is murdered, horses taken, and he cursed to be a genie (djin?) looking like a boy, early teens, fair skin, blue eyes. But, I've been thinking, it may have been set up, though the genie doesn't know that, and of course, blames himself. When the boy releases the genie, he's freaked out, overjoyed, is thinking of millions of things he wants, but remembers the story of The Monkeys Paw. So he's not sure he can safely wish for anything, other than for the genie to speak english.

And that's the beginning of that one.

I AM SOOO BORED!!

I'm bored, and I may have forgotten to take my anti-depressant.

I've been doing schedule changes. Those are the changes airlines make to already booked resvervations: time changes, flight number changes, connection changes, etc. They get put into a schedule change queue. To work them, you make sure the connections are valid, inform the passenger, and send them a new itinerary.

Three words:

MIND NUMBINGLY BORING!

Now I've been taken out of schedule changes and put back into Customer Service. It's another one of those I-wish-I-was-still-at-Hertz days. No, I don't feel completely culpable for losing my Hertz job, they knew I was depressed, they could have worked with me. I didn't care about money - I just wanted the time off. But I wasn't nervy enough to fight for my job. Maybe I wasn't that recovered. And maybe I didn't really want to go back. Hertz is the best, where ever in the world you're wanting to rent, but they treat their employees like crap.

And, yeah Jon, I know I'm repeating myself. What can I say, my life is boring. I want more, but I can't tell you what I want.

My Weekend

I took a vacation day Friday. The Hubby and I went out to eat (a big deal if you don't do it often) at Marie Callender's. Kind of a trek for us, since we live in Guthrie and Marie Callender's is in Norman (what, like 60 miles?). Good stuff, and brought a sugar-free Razzleberry pie back for the M-in-L.

Also on Friday, the Hubby's son's friend and his wife had their baby, Isabella Michelle. Poor girl (yes, I can call her a girl, she's only 21 or 22) was in labor for, like, two days, got fully dilated, then still had to have a caesarean. Didn't really follow why, something about the baby not turned right (give me something I understand, like meconium aspriation). Baby is beautiful, 6lbs 10oz, healthy (thank God, since the mother smokes - ick). DID NOT HOLD THE BABY. That would have been a dangerous thing to do.

**SIGH**

I wanted to have more children.

Enough dwelling on things that aren't going to happen.

Had been wondering why my son had been so moody lately.

1. He has not been taking his anti-depressant.
2. He had a secret.

We learned what that was Saturday, but not from him. Received from his dad an itinerary, booked on September 21st. Jimmy's flying down to his Dad's on his birthday (Oct. 15th) for the weekend. Now, I'm not going to begrudge him the weekend, but they always do the exact same thing: eating out, going to a movie. It's been the same since the divorce was final in March of '90 (which has always annoyed the piss out of me, but what can I say?). Now Jimmy's work schedule is usually from Thursday through Monday, sometimes Thursday through Sunday and Tuesday. The Hubby was furious, and I was disappointed (I was wanting to have the Tri-Birthday party). Jimmy was acting better this morning (about the only time I ever see him anymore). Since personality-wise, he's like me, I can only go on conjecture. I think he feels better with the weight off his shoulders. He knew we'd be upset. I know I tend to make mountains out of molehills, so when whatever I'm stressing over is over, it's actually a relief.

I may still have a party that weekend, but I don't know. I don't want to have it at my hovel, excuse me, my house. I'd rather have it at my Mother-in-laws, but I don't think she would like that. I would want Randy (the Hubby) to cook (ribs, chicken, maybe turkey legs). Smoked potatoes would be good, too.

Oh, and Jimmy did remember to go get his yearbook picture taken on Friday afternoon, which I had actually forgotten.

The rest of the weekend was pretty unremarkable. I did get caught up on my weekday tv, tape for me. We had to get a new VCR, the old one (not that old) started to eat tapes. Maybe now I'll get to see CSI-Miami.

My life is so interesting.

Had an argument with the Hubby when I called him at lunch. Just how does James Carville and Mary Matalin DO it?! He knows he's right and I'm wrong, and I know he's wrong because I AM RIGHT.

You know, normally, we're not actually that far apart. He's usually more of a RINO (Republican In Name Only), a Jesse Ventura Independent. I just don't get it. He's pro-choice ("if she can live with it"), anti-Patriot Act.

Well, for better or for worse, It'll be over November 2.

Thank God.



But I am right.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

My work is driving me out of my mind. I've been trying to numb my raging frustraton by reading news, doing a crossword online. Then I run into this little gem.

Now, I think I've mentioned before (heck, I don't read my archives!) that I have epilepsy. I have almost no seizures (and the ones I do have are rare and the blank stare variety). I had more seizures before adulthood than after. But I've suffered with depression roughly half my life. Is there a connection?

I don't know.

Atrios Gives Me Advice!

Ok, well, maybe not me personally, since I sincerely doubt he knows I'm alive, but it's close. You can read it here.

Am I going to follow it?

Probably not. I am, after all, Ms. NOT Together!

Student of the Week!

Last night, after he came home from work, my son asked me how to get to local Guthrie restaurant Granny Had One. After giving him instructions he understood ("You know where the stadium is? It's just past the intersection on the other side"), I asked him, "Why?" Then he told me he was the Rotary Club's Student of the Week. If I didn't wear t-shirts constantly, I'd be busting my buttons!! Then I asked him when he found out, it being Sunday night, him tending to dawdle anyway. He told me he learned Friday. I gave him that one. Now that he's driving himself, between school and work, I hardly ever see him!

**SIGH**

In the dream I had early this morning, I decided I needed 5 newspapers to give to family. Of course, the the dream, Jimmy was wearing dark blue denim cargo pants and a light blue shirt. In real life, it was a dark green t-shirt with Zelda on it, and jeans (maybe black, maybe blue). In concious thought, it's more like 3.

Unfortunately, the Guthrie Daily Leader doesn't have a web site. Buggers.

**UPDATE** Granny Had One does have a website!

**UPDATE II** Picture to come out in tomorrow's (Sep. 29) paper! I might need 4 copies.

**UPDATE III** If I include my ex-husband - it would be 5.

**UPDATE IV** The News Leader comes out in the afternoon(Wed., Sep 29), so I still haven't seen it. Oh, and it may be Student of the Month (which makes more sense). So, my son doesn't talk to me! It's a karma thing - somewhere up in heaven my mother is giving me a knowing chuckle.

**UPDATE V** It is Rotary Student of the Week. I bought 3 papers this morning (Thurs., Sep. 30), that would be for me, my M-in-L and my sister. The picture is great, it actually makes him look tall! I'm just bursting! I did get, from a co-worker, "So your son is a nerd?"
Well, yeah, it's genetic.

Dear Mama,

I guess it's time to talk again. I'm remembering to take my antidepressant, for the most part, but I'm still down.
I feel so...
inadequate.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. But it such a hard habit to break. I mean, look at Jenny at work. She's sent in a whole sit-com script to that Bravo show! She's a prolific writer. Why can't I do that? Why are my stories locked in my head?

And last night, at the post dove hunt guy-fest, why wasn't I nervy enough to tell them they were being brainless, Bush-sheep? Why couldn't I march into the kitchen and tell them Bush is the WORST PRESIDENT EVER? Why couldn't I tell them, the world, the country, the environment is going to hell, while he paints pretty pictures. But I didn't. The Hubby asked me if I wanted to respond, but I said no. I didn't want to be made fun of. By a bunch of damn ostriches. What's wrong with me?! Why does it matter? I know I'm right. I just wish they would listen, but it's like I don't exist.

Oh, and Jimmy has his driver's liscence now. So, I see him leave for school, and that's it. I thought I was so cool. I thought I could handle the cutting of the cord. You know, I did my job, I raised a mature young man, time to let go. Yeah, it's bugging the living crap out of me. I'm not ready.

Oh, yeah, when I got home last night, around 9:45 like usual, Jimmy asked me what Senior stuff he should buy. I told him, besides the cap and gown, really all you need are announcements. He said he was thinking of getting one of the packages (like $170!!). I kind of swallowed and told him to get what he wants, and I'll help him pay for it.

You would be so proud of me, I have a reader. Well, have had. I think I lost him. Maybe it's because I don't really have anything to say. Or maybe I have things to say, but haven't found my voice yet.

More to say...

But I'll talk later.

Breaking News

Well, more like breaking gossip.

Macaulay Culkin arrested for drug possession in OKC!
See Details here.

Freaky!!

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Frist Campaigns For Coburn In Oklahoma

Not necessarily a good thing. Read here.

Hey, show my boy some love!

Digging Himself Deeper...

Tom Coburn has done it again. Oklahoma has the second largest Native American population in the nation, you don't piss them off.

From the transcript of Judy Woodruff (a little more than half way down),

TOM COBURN (R), SENATORIAL CANDIDATE: Politics, I can assure you, is no fun.
WOODRUFF (voice-over): Not for former Congressman Tom Coburn, at least. Not these days. With Election Day looming large, the Republican Senate candidate finds himself embroiled in controversy, battling old charges of Medicaid fraud.
COBURN: You're taken an unfounded accusation from a sleazy, liberal dot-com and making it something real.
WOODRUFF: Earlier this week, salon.com reported that 14 years ago, Coburn, an obstetrician, sterilized a woman without her consent during surgery to relieve an ectopic pregnancy. Coburn didn't report the sterilization to Medicaid, saying the cost would not have been covered by insurance since the woman was under 21.The woman later filed suit. But Coburn insists she repeatedly asked to be sterilized.
COBURN: And the fact is that she's sitting there dying with a belly full of blood. And had I sterilized her before when I she asked me to, she wouldn't have gotten in that place. So, when she asked me to do that this time I did. And I'd do it again.
WOODRUFF: Before the story broke, polls had Coburn locked in a tight race with Democratic Congressman Brad Carson. Now Democrats see an opening.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dr. Coburn's character and integrity are absolutely in question.
WOODRUFF: But Coburn remains defiant... COBURN: If you think my character is wrong, go do the hard work to prove it.

Umm, dude, I think you just did.

Happy Birthday!

To the Hubby, who's now older than me for a month!

Go, Carson!

My husband and I may be far apart when it comes to president candidates, but we both agree, Tom Coburn is an idiot, dangerous, a big, giant hypocrite, etc. Just read this (you'll need to sit through the ad). Him and Istook are cut from the same cloth, always denying funding to their home state.

A Question

Why, when I dream, my parents are still alive? My mother usually pre-stroke.

*SIGH*

I wish they still were. (pre-stroke for my mother)

Ah, Irony!

'Nuff said!

HUZZAH!!

The third time was a charm! Yeah, his score was 79, but hey, it's above the minimum 70! My son is now a licensed driver! And since his birthday is after the cutoff date for registration, they registered him (Democrat!) to vote as well!

So, as I was driving behind him, I had to check him in at school since he was late, I was thinking, "Geez, you drive like an old man!"

That may not be a bad thing.

Oh, and I now live in a Kerry household (2 to 1)!

A Truly Finite Resource

MSNBC asks, How Long Will the World's Oil Last?
One estimate, and I had heard this somewhere before (oh yeah, from the OK Sustainability people), is that world production will peak around Thanksgiving of next year. True, the US production peaked around 1970, but our oil bubble lasted until 1982, when the Penn Square Bank crashed. Then things went to hell in a hurry.

Should we be scared about a future we are woefully unprepared for?

Shouldn't we be doing something other than trying to destroy the Earth looking for a little more oil?

The Woes of Carroll Fisher

Our honorable Insurance Commissioner. I guess I ought to comment on his latest troubles. I don't really have an opinion. I don't feel he has to resign right now, like Governor Henry wants him to. He is still innocent until proven guilty. But I don't see as how he'll have time to do his job.

And this nugget from last year doesn't help any (and it's still a hoot)! One of your elected officials can get drunk and rowdy like the rest of us, but he thought he could get off.

A Statement to Life Loving Christians

Before you whack me over the head with this.

Why don't you say or do ANYTHING about this!!

Guns, Guns Guns!

We went to the gun show Sunday. The Hubby was disappointed, they didn't have what he wanted (some sort of really, really hard bullet). They did have a lot of guns, pretty much the same ones over and over again, of varying prices.

I guess here's where I diverge from alot of Liberal Democrats. I enjoy shooting, too. I have two handguns of my own: a 22 and a 9mm (both Rugers). I'm better with the 22 mainly because I've had more practice with it. There's just something sooo cathartic about blowing holes through a paper bad guy. Every bit of anger, frustration and hatred is gone and you're left feeling confident, in control! I could've used that Monday, I was really grumpy. Knitting, however, is different. Knitting is a Zen thing. You're in the moment. You're one with your needles, the piece you're knitting. You're not happy, you're not sad, you just are.
The Hubby wants to teach me to shoot a rifle. I've shot his Mini-14, but it kind of annoys me. I'm nearsighted, so I can either see the target, or I can see the sights, which doesn't bother me when I'm shooting my handgun, but bugs the crap out of me with a rifle.

Now, my husband is not a "Gun Nut". He is a Gun Hobbyist. He will tell you that there are people who should not own a gun. And they are out in force at gun shows. Now, as the Hubby has taught me, you always treat any weapon as if loaded! But whatever weapon they're looking at, carting around, they'll point it right at you, like it's some kinda white boy's toy.

And, of course, everybody there is a one issue person. Even though you'd think every other issue would trump that one.

There's the table that sells militia/separatist books (i.e. Anarchis's Cookbook).
There's the table selling rebel/Confederate stuff, flags, bumper stickers, etc. (hello, you lost. - And don't give me that state's rights thing - they were fighting for the right to own a human being as property. Now it holds no purpose other than race baiting. Geez, can't we get past that already?!)
There are the obligatory women's tables: jewelry, beany babies, and the like. Yeah, I'm not the only woman taken out to a gun show.
And now days there are as many knive sellers as guns. All kinds, too. You can ususally find at least one Lord of the Rings sword, there were two at this one.

All in all, it was a good day. It's a great place to people watch. I recommend it highly.

I tried to post this yesterday, but had problems with it. weird.

Thoughts On A Long Weekend

Since me and the Hubby are still taking care of M-in-L, we're kind of limited on going and doing. So we did short jaunts. We messed around (you pretty much have to drag me kicking and screaming from a bookstore) then ate out on Saturday. Went to a gun show Sunday (more thoughts on that later). Did our grocery shopping on Monday. I also helped my son sign up for Sat II tests and start on the ACT form. He's considering not taking the regular SAT, since now most universities accept the ACT. Yeah, for a long weekend, it kind of sucked.

Speaking of my Mother-in-Law, the Hubby and I are getting a little frustrated with M-in-L. It's, oh I don't know, It's like she's not trying to get better. She's not making an effort in her own recovery. Now, I know the older you are, the longer it takes to recover. She's not what I'd consider old. She doesn't want to go back to work (she's getting close to retirement age), which I think is a mistake (Hellfire, my Grandma Ben["Grandma Ben, when are you going to retire?" "When I get old!"] worked until the day before she died. Yes, she was working part-time, but that's not the point. She was one of the youngest people I've known. Oh, and my Mom! It's like she didn't even want to think after she retired, she just wanted to read romance novels - GAK!). She doesn't feel a need to drive (ok, that may be construed as a GOOD thing). She's not walking as much as she should. And complains of pain more than she should (that one's kind of subjective on my part). And the coughing, which leads to spitting and throwing up clear liquid, and sometimes (we think it's a side-effect of one of her medications) actually vomits. Something just seems wrong. But should the regular doctor get involved or the cardiologist?

OT: She griped to my husband this morning that the floors were filthy, as I hadn't vacuumed for two days. I was sitting at the same table. I was right there. But she didn't say anything to me. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I HATE TO BE IGNORED!

That's enough of that.

UPDATE: The Hubby finally got M-in-L to go to her family doctor! I was told it looks like she's getting pneumonia. He put her on penicillin. Maybe I'm being reactionary, but shouldn't she be in a hospital (not Logan County)?

Explain This to Me

This is a horrible situation. It isn't a black/white thing. There are no good guys. I can't really call it a shades of grey thing, either. Whatever points either side had to make are null and void. Putin needs to learn the Soviet Union is dead. And the Chechnyans whatever validity their cause had, died with those children.

Horrible, just horrible.

I Don't Feel Like It

All week long, I've been really happy with Bubba. All week long the dog alarm's gone off at 5:30 am. Today - 3:30 am. Pretty uneventful walk, except heading back home, Bubba sees a strange, black thing coming towards us - "Brooooo!"
"Bubba! That's our cat!" Yeah, it was our own cat, Midnight, who was too lazy to join us at the start of the walk, scaring the hoo out of Bubba.
*EYES ROLL*

And I guess I should have gone ahead and slept in the recliner in the the living room, because I didn't sleep well afterwards. Sinus trouble, I think. Headache, scratchy throat. I am sooo tired. Yay.

Is It Any Surprise?

The most worthless newspaper in the nation, has the most worthless website?!

Go Guthrie!

Sad, just sad.
The town I live in.

Why?

Why be in anything that denies your basic rights? I found this at channeloklahoma.com while trolling Oklahoma news sites (um, yeah, we have no news).
I mean, I can kinda see the point of wanting to bring about change, especially to really, really repressive groups (like Republicans). But, to my mind, if you're butting your head against a brick wall, you're not gonna knock the wall down, you're just gonna get a concussion.

But there is this from the article:
State Republican Chairman Gary Jones said the party welcomes diversity, including gay members.

Just plain funny.

I Did Too!

I did take my Zoloft today. And yesterday. So, can anybody tell me why I'm down? I'm not crashing. I'm not suicidal. I'm just down.
I think it's all old stuff. Old insecurites.

I would love to be like my favorite blogs: Pandagon (Jesse and Ezra are sooo cute), Kevin Drum at Washington Monthly, Atrios, David Neiwert of Orcinus, Eric Alterman, Skippy, Southknox Bubba et. al. I can be as righteously indignant as the next left leaning blogger. And, geez, how I hate George Bush! But I can't convince my right leaning husband how just plain dangerous repubs are. Just this morning he was going on about how great John McCain's speech was. Now, although he'll deny it, he's alot like his Dad. Who took much pleasure in goading his wife into anger. My Hubby also knows exactly what buttons to press. So, he may have been trying to make me mad on purpose, I'm not sure. Those above are bloggers way more able than me (I?) to give opinion, perspective, facts on current events.

But, I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I should just let my own voice flow, without worrying how it sounds, whether it's good or bad.

Freakin' Fantastic!

I actually had a reader!

Ha ha!!

Mulling My Dilemma

I was thinking about the two choices I had from yesterday, then I see this. I'd consider it a sign, but I already knew about it.

The creaky, half-dead bird in the hand

or

Two fresh, young birds in the bush?

When the half-dead bird dies, it doesn't mean I'll immediately have a bird to replace it. But if I go after the birds in the bush, I'll still have the bird in the hand, well, until he dies.

HHHMMMM.....
interesting.

The Question is JOB SERCURITY

Rumors are running rampant here at work that they may close the center sometime after Christmas. The head of the center says ain't no animal (as job security) and I need to make myself "marketable". Does that mean they'll pay for me to go back to school? Only if it is directly relatable to my work - so the answer is no.

*SIGH*

Geez, I hate looking for a job. Because I'm insecure, I don't do resumes well. Because I'm shy, I don't interview well. Then there's the whole making myself look nice crap. Then, because it's Oklahoma, it's doubtful I'd get paid a living wage, maybe an existable one.

So the question is, do I look for a job now, or do I let them push me out the door (and collect unemployment)? I'm torn.
This would be another time I wish I actually had readers.

My Weekend Was Crap

But it started off good. Had a nice Saturday. The Hubby and I did some messing around, like we used to do, before illnesses. But when we got back to my Mother-in-Law's house, oh God! She had let our basset hound, Bubba, out to potty. Him and her chocolate lab/pinscher mix, Cuba, had disappeared! We looked all over her 40 acres. Yelled til our throats were raw. Drove around - nothing.
When we got back from driving around, the Hubby's asswipe little brother was there. I went into the living room to nap in the recliner, so I didn't see what ensued. It was nasty. Asswipe made some snarky comment about Bubba, showing no concern about his being missing. And it went downhill from there. Now Asswipe, is a jerk. He's an insufferable know-it-all. And he's about the cheapest person on God's green Earth. Oh, and he's studying to be a lawyer. Now Asswipe and the Hubby have a nasty history, and like I said, everything the Hubby's been holding inside for, like, twenty years, came spewing out. Of course that put my Mother-in-Law in the middle. She's crying, trying to keep my Hubby from killing Asswipe. Hubby takes that as her taking AW's side, which hurts his feelings. And I'm still in the recliner, feining sleep, because I knew I didn't want to watch any of that, much less get involved.
AW goes away with his tail between his legs. Hubby and I go home, he's bawling his eyes out over Bubba (et. al). That night, around 9:30 or 10:00, Cuba came home. He didn't bring Bubba with him. I yell for Bubba more. I tell Cuba he needs to go and bring Bubba back. Then I start to bawl. Thus ends Saturday.
Sunday starts out, still tense and angry, Bubba still not back. Hubby is still angry with M-in-L, his son is angry with him, because of that. AW is conspicuously staying away (he doesnt want to make trouble - Riiight). We pick up our riding mower, because our lawn is a jungle (unnaturally wet, cool summer). I have to take my son (well, he takes me) to see if there's any way he can rent Schindler's List (AP English summer project - yes at the very last moment) without our help (yeah, BOK screwed us with Mega Movies), and to get yet more school supplies. He decides to go ahead and buy it, since he had to go to Wally World anyway. Hubby does not want to watch. So, we're trying to kill the four hours of movie. We end up back at M-in-L's. Hubby has calmed down. They talk. M-in-L offers to buy us a puppy, and shows us the ads. There are three ads, one in south OK, one that didn't return my call, and SJ out between Piedmont and Okarche. She has 5 females and 1 male. The male is what they call "lemon" colored - a light tan and white. Yeah, we bought him. We first think of calling him "Killer". We bought puppy chow and puppy (potty) pads. And he slept through the night, didn't whine or cry once!
Hubby takes Killer (though at the time we're think of changing it to Booger) to M-in-L's. While I'm still getting ready, he calls me, all excited, Bubba came back!! And Killer-Booger may now be called Cooter.
Fences mended with M-in-L, we have Bubba back and he has a playmate. We're going to pay her back the first of the month.

Oh, and Bubba is not leaving our sight again!

My Co-Workers Say I Need a Drink

I think they might be right.

I May Not Be Popular...

But I'm gonna have to agree with this:

Hjelm maintains that Badgewell, whom he describes as a "cordial" and "soft-spoken man," was merely acting to defend himself.
"Who can say with any degree of certainty what you would do if you were in a deserted warehouse at 4:30 in the morning and two armed men with brass knuckles attack you?" Hjelm said.

Found the story here.

Thoughts on Family

I never fit in in my family. And, when I was a kid, I desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to belong.

Now, I'm not sure. Maybe being so different works to my advantage.

And maybe one day I'll go into details.

Happy 80th Birthday

Aint Ninny!!

aka Virginia Sharp!

The Start of My Weekend

Technically, it started on Friday night. I get off at 9:00 pm. I go straight up I35 from Moore to Guthrie. I'm in the middle lane. I get to just south of Hefner Road, and there he is, some guy, crossing an interstate highway, slowly. I see him before I hit him, but not during or after. I put on my brakes, cross the other lane of traffic, and come to a stop on the Hefner Road bridge. I turn around to see the guy I think I killed and there's noone there. Two cars stop ahead of me, a husband and wife. The husband had called for an ambulance. They ask me if I'm ok. I say yes. They tell me when I hit him (well, technically, he hit me), he spun around and kept on walking.
The fire department was on scene first, then Highway patrolmen, then EMSA (ambulance). They found him somewhere on Hefner Road, he didn't act like he was even hurt.
The Highway patrolman told me that it was ok, that he was crazy and wanted to die.
Yeah, by that time I had calmed down enough to think, "If he wants to die, I can kill him!"
He took my information, thankfully not asking for my insurance verification form, which then was at home, now is in the car. He asked me if I needed the EMT's. I told him no, and he let me go.

Friday Bubba Blogging

First, I need to talk about my dawg, Bubba, the basset hound. Yeah, I know, I need to put in pictures, but, one, I'm Ms. Not Together, and, two, I don't have a digital camera. Once I get a camera, and figure out how to use it, you'll see Bubba, et al.
A few days ago, it had to be Tuesday or Wednesday, because it was after the storm in the morning, I put Bubba on the Bungee-Puppee (a bungie cord leash you can get at academy - I'd link, but one, I'm Ms. Not Together, and two, I usually do this at work, and shopping is blocked), to go out on the morning potty walk with the entourage: Rogue the dachshund, and one or more cats. All of a sudden Rogue is running up the driveway like a little black-and-tan rocket, hair on her neck standing up, barking her head off. Bubba starts yanking me, pulling with all his might, up the drive way. There's a beagle wandering around. Let me tell ya, Bubba can pull! "Arrooo, Arrooo!!"
Up the driveway onto the road, I'm yelling at Rogue, who thinks she's meaner than snot. Bubba's still hallooing and yanking me along. The beagle runs first to the corner, then down the Cul-de-Sac. I get Rogue to stop, and finally dig in to stop Bubba. Bubba's barking turns into a morose howl, somewhere along the lines of, "Come back, Shane!"
I'm thinking...female beagle.
OK, after work, I go to Grandma's house to pick up Bubba and Heidi, there during the day with their Daddy. Since my son was at work, the house was pitch black. I think both Heidi and Bubba are with me, along with one or more cats. Once I get a light on, I notice it's only Heidi and cats. I flip on the porch light and yell for Bubba (and yell, and yell, and yell). Nothing. I'm thinking he's still nearby, because it hasn't been long, he's just being stubborn and not listening. I go get the spotlight and find him sniffing around next door. BUSTED!
I guess I need to say now, I live in a decreipit mobile home. It must have been in a flood in a previous incarnation, because now the floors are rotting. We did refloor the bathroom with plywood, but being the family Not Together, there's a hole that goes under the door. The cats use it.
Ok, so now I'm relaxing, waiting for the boy to call from work. He calls, and I don't see Bubba. He's not behind the recliner or on the futon. He's not asleep on our bed, or on the bedroom floor. Yes, he went out of the hole in the bathroom floor. Out comes the spotlight again. Again I'm yelling my head off. Again it takes a bit for him to acknowledge. I'm highly pissed.
He's a horn dog.
One day soon, he's going to say "Hello" to the vet, and "goodbye" to his nuts.

Progress Report #2

My Mother-in-Law is now back home. The Hubby is going to stay with her for a few days.

I know what you're thinking: *AWWWW* He is such a good son!
Damn straight he is!

He had some difficulties getting gas and prescriptions filled, because of last nights storms knocking out power (etc).


In other news, I took the son to the Doctor (the very cute Jesse Ray). He weighs 106 lbs, his blood pressure is 110/60, and, oh yeah, HE'S DEPRESSED!!!! The doctor decided, with school, job, the future, and his clingy-ass Dad, he has ISSUES (well, DUH). He gave him a few weeks worth of samples of Lexapro (and let me tell you, Lexapro is some good shit! Works like a charm for me - just isn't on the formulary).
I wasn't going to wait for something drastic to happen, being a depressive, I 'm going to nip it in the bud. I am relieved.

Progress Report

My Mother-in-Law may go home tomorrow. Is off the Digoxin, which made her throw up. And, no longer needs an anti-nausea medicine. They gave her Finergan yesterday (my husband takes the generic version), scared the Hubby to death! It made her act drunk, was halucinating - weird stuff!
The Hubby also said her atrial fibrillation looks like it's changing to sinus rythym on it's own.
Good days.

Oh, and happy birthday to my niece!!!

*SIGH*

Today, I do wish somebody would read this. I need advice.
Everybody knows I've been depressed roughly half my life, so you would think I could recognize it in my own son. His personality is alot like mine. I think he's depressed, but he won't talk to me. I ask if he's depressed, or angry and all I get is "no."
Geez, I know he's upset because he's failed the driving test twice. But he know's how to pass! The Tester told him! I told him! The Hubby told him!
I just want to know what's going on! He's quieter than usual.
I know about teenage depression. I was depressed from Third Grade (prerequisite traumatic event) until around 20. I didn't tell my parents crap! I didn't want to upset them. I already knew I was the defective one.
I. know. Depression.
Why won't he talk to me?
I feel like such a failure.

2nd Strike

Yes, my son, again, did not pass the driving test.

Look...

Left,

Right,

and then left again.

And, when passing, or changing lanes, always...
turn
your
head

and look

in your

blind spots.

You know, I didn't even feel the need to drive until I was close to 20. He's a good kid. He's a smart kid. And if we lived in a place with good public transit, I wouldn't even care if he never drove.

Well, third time's the charm.

So they say.

Hell, I don't care how many times it takes, he'll pass eventually. I worry more about his self-esteem (or lack, thereof).

Chest Tube Removed!

She's feelin' great!

Chest tube still not removed. Still has some Atrial Fibrilation. Was told the doctor said may have to shock her heart back into sinus rythym. Yikes! She looks great! She seems to be improving every day. What's going on?

As for me, broken record time, I'm still depressed. I just can't blame PMS or my period for it now. Zoloft bites. Formularies bite. Lexapro works, but I'd have to pay full price for it. So I'm stuck with either things that don't work (Zoloft, Effexor, generic Prozac), or that work but have side effects - well one particular one (Paxil).

You know, I don't mind being Not Together. I don't see that as a bad thing. I just wish...

I was thinner.

I was prettier. (prettier?! Geez, I just wish I was pretty!)

I was smarter.

I was more successful.

I had a better handle on who I am.

I, at least, tolerated housework.

I wasn't such a schlub.

I also wish people would read this blog. I don't really know why anybody would, though. I'm not really witty, or wise. This blog is my cheap attempt to spill my guts, before I implode (I don't explode).

I'm here! I'm here! I'm just a little down (as usual), and I don't have a lot to say.

My Mother-in-Law is supposed to be moved out of ICU today, and have the 2nd chest tube (that was draining her left lung) removed. She's expecting to go home Thursday.

Haven't gotten my son retested yet, have practiced a little, but not alot.

*SIGH*

Had a glorious two days of email access at work, but now it's gone. Blocked by the Powers that Be. And, while I know this is mostly me being a sore loser, I swear blocking almost everything under the sun is WHY THE DAMN COMPUTER IS SOOOO SLOW!!! We had two tech guys here the past couple of days, trying to figure out why our system is so slow. Hmmm, at the same time, less was blocked. Now they're gone, everything is blocked again, and sssssllllllloooooowwwww.
I guess I can't really complain, well, except how it actually does affect my work.

My Mother-in-Law is getting better and better every day! My husband is spending most of the day at the hospital.
My son is spending the weekend at his Dad's. Yes, he usually works the weekend. He requested the days off a while ago and didn't tell either me or my Hubby. I'm not sure if it's forgetfulness, or willful. The Hubby is pissed.

*SIGH*

I'm down, as usual. As the moon waxes toward full, so does my PMS. Which makes my depression worse. But lately, I just haven't been able to sustain normality (much less be happy). I'm pretty worthless. I seem to always make stupid mistakes. I am Ms. Not Together, but lately it seems like I've become Ms. Completely Incompetent.

Sigh of Relief

My Mother-in-Law is out of trouble.  The valve didn't have to be replaced, they had to put a ring under it and reattach it to the heart wall.  Lot of pain  -  long recovery, but out of the woods.
And I am tired.  Me and the Hubby stayed at the hospital last night.  Not real comfortable.

A Not Together Day

Yes, the dog alarm went off at 5AM as usual, so I may have been napping in the recliner, but I was technically up.  My son's alarm went of first at 6AM, then at 6:15AM, and at about 6:25 I woke him up so we to go to the Edmond, OK DMV to take the driving test.  It takes him forever to get ready, but my dad was that way, too. 
When we get to the DMV, My boy was, like, 77 on the list.  That's at freaking 7:30AM! 
I learned they had been lining up since 5AM.  Anyway, we're in a line, not sure for what, for another 2 1/2 hours.  We learn that's the line to make the appointment for the actual test.  Damn.  The clerk asked me what time I preferred.  I said, "Now?!" 
He laughed, showed me the days list and said, "I'm sorry, all these people are ahead of you."  The earliest we could get was 2:15PM.  Now I have to be at work at 12:30PM, the Boy was scheduled at 2PM.  The Hubby is stressing over his mother, and has too (too, too, too, too) much on his mind.  First my son calls his work to see if they would let him come in a little late (he swore they wouldn't), and he explained what it was for and they said yes.  (Then his Dad calls and acts like an ass, but that's not news - and it's another post)
Calling my work is a little stickier.  I can't just ask for the day off,  while I may not be hanging by a thread, I just can't call in.  But I have to do something.  So I call in to our Workforce Department to see if I can get what's called "Low Call" until 4PM.  That's when the volume of calls in are low enough to let people go early (or in my case, come in late) without pay.  They said no, so I spoke to my direct supervisor, who at first referred me back to Workforce, I told her I did that, then she spoke to her supervisor.  She gave me Low Call until 3:30PM.
We spent more time getting to the DMV, than the test took.

**SIGH**

Right turn on red AFTER STOP!
We get to try again next week. 

A New Week

I did remember to take my pill today (but forgot yesterday).
I sent a little egreetings to some friends about this blog.  I'm kind of out there now.  Yeah, little scary.
Hopefully, my son will take his driving test tomorrow morning (those slots fill up quick).  And hopefully, he will pass and be a fully liscensed driver (and I don't have to stay up 'til midnight to pick him up at work).  The Hubby thinks we'll need to leave the house around 7:00AM, I'm thinking more around 6:30AM.  If it's first come, first served, I want to be first.
And everything comes to a standstill on Wednesday.  My Mother-in-Law has open-heart surgery to replace her nonfunctioning mitral valve (she's getting plastic).  She has to be at the hospital at 5:30AM.  Some of the info she received said she'd be getting ready for 4/5 hours.  People have these things all the time.  She'll be ok.  Well, for the Hubby's sake, she needs to be ok.
And speaking of the Hubby,  he's pretty much reached the limit of what he can take.  Worrying about my son.  Worrying about his mother.  Worrying about his low-life brother.  Worrying about his own body's decline.  I think, for what it's worth, his increase in pain is because of all the stress he's under.  If he could just chill, I think his pain would lessen.
Right now, I'm not thinking beyond Wednesday.  After Wednesday, I'll start thinking again.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

 

UPDATE:  I think I have it now.  It just takes me a while.

Yes, I Have

Added Haloscan comments

Yes, I know they're in there twice.

I am Ms. Not Together!