I love the Hubby. I do. He's my big, giant teddy bear with blue eyes and a wacky immune system. But I can't stand his politics.

Before the Iraq mess, we were actually pretty close, me a moderate democrat, him a moderate republican (actually, more of a Jesse Ventura Independent). But since then, it's like the things we agree on don't matter. He treats George Bush like he's a babe in the woods. Nothing is his fault, it's all those bad, bad people surrounding him. And now, the NSA spying - it's okay - they listened to Al Queda (yeah, I don't know how to spell it) people, and they had to do it, and on, and on. I was dumbfounded.

I tried to tell him that even "bad" people have rights in this country, but it was like he just shut down.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to convince him of how corrupt all republicans are. Any help from whatever readers I have would be appreciated.

I've Made A Decision

I don't want to work anymore.

It's not getting me anywhere. I mean, goddamn, I'm barely out of poverty level (just over $13 per hour). And if you're supposed to do something you love, I'm screwed there, too. Everything I'd like to do is free: teach people to read, read to children, work at a museum. Working a a bookstore would be cool, too, but it's just over minimum wage.

Yeah, I know I'm being whiney and selfish. I ought to just be thankful for what I have. And I do have much to be thankful for.

I can't get over the feeling of being an idling car, with the idle stuck too high, I need to be going somewhere.

Found a Great Book!

The First American,
The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin

By H.W. Brands.


So far, I'm only up to the 1750's, and the French and Indian War, but Ben Franklin Rocks!!

Bastard Child

Mental Illness, I mean. It always seems to be the last to be considered. The last to be treated as an illness. Mix-ups in the first weeks of the Medicare drug benefit have vexed many beneficiaries and pharmacists. Dr. Steven S. Sharfstein, president of the American Psychiatric Association, said the transition from Medicaid to Medicare had had a particularly severe impact on low-income patients with serious, persistent mental illnesses. States Robert Pear in this article in the NY Times (registration may be required). Can anyone say they didn't see this coming?

I've spent most of my life battling depression (it's sitting on my doorstep right now), The last episodes my main problem being what my insurance did or did not cover (which plays into one of my main irrational fears - not having enough money - or spending money on myself): large copays or deductibles, is the antidepressant covered under the formulary, otherwise is there a reduced price I can pay because if I have to pay full price, I probably won't buy it (see irrational fear above).

I don't know why I get depressed (I'm still leaning toward bipolarII), and why so often, and why for little or no reason. It's an illness. I kind of wish my mother were still alive, not just for me to talk to (pre-stroke), but to realize there was nothing she and Daddy could have done when I was a kid to make me happy, since the drugs didn't exist then.

Goddamn I hate the insurance industry.Health Care should be a right, not a privledge. It should be available to everybody, rich, poor and inbetween.

A Pretty Good Weekend

Though, technically, the middle of my work week.

I had told the Hubby of my dream to own 2 Bassets and 2 Dachshunds: 2 big wienie dogs and 2 little wienie dogs. Besides, we have to have some sort of watchdog, even if she's just an alarm. Bassets are big love puppies. They just don't know strangers. Dachshunds are fierce watchdogs, with more courage than brains. Like this story, from a couple years ago, where a doxie attacks a bear. Typical.

Well, the Hubby still isn't ready for another Basset - and even further since the setbacks of last week, but warmed to the idea of a dachshund puppy. So, Saturday, I was at work, looking online at the Oklahoman's dog classified ads - no Bassets, lots of Dachshunds.
"So, I should buy a paper?" the Hubby asks (I call him on breaks, otherwise I go insane), when I tell him about the ads I saw.
"I guess so."
At lunch he told me he was thrown out of Wal-Mart because he brought in a dog. A doxie female we've named "Ziva" after the Israeli agent on NCIS. We're calling her dappled, because we really don't know, she's brown and black and right now the size of a rat. Bubba's still intimidating to her (he's delighted, and so gentle with her), but she loves the cat! Luckily, even though he's a neutered male, he's very maternal, and lets Ziva play with him (for a while), and even licked her face (which Ziva really didn't like).

Sunday was a settling in day. Not expecting anything to happen. Playing with the puppy. Making sure Bubba wasn't jealous. Watching the previous weeks recorded tv shows. We get a phone call. I don't recognize the number or person, which usually means I don't answer the phone, but this time I did. It was a representative from Ozark Mountain Basset Rescue! And while concerned with Bubba's full manhood, it wasn't an automatic decline, and not having a fenced yard was also not an automatic decline! She wanted to make sure Bubba's up to date with his vacinations (he is!), and we'll have to have a home visit, and then we pick which one we want!!

Oh, I sooo don't want to jinx this!!

God-Forbid I Wanted A Child

All I wanted was to get a companion for Bubba and the Hubby. Since Cooter's passing, Bubba wants to be walked about every two hours, less to potty than to find a friend to play with.

Since there haven't been any Basset puppies in the paper, I thought, hey, how about a shelter or rescue Basset, not unlike our own Bubba, once a stray in the neighborhood. Looked up on petfinders.com, found Beatrice in Yukon, OK. I thought, Wow, a sign from God! My Mother's name was (is?) Bea. We get there, and while I was walking Bubba, excited from all the dogs there, the Hubby went inside. Well, he was asked A LEADING QUESTION: do you have a fenced yard? Unfortuneatly, the Hubby answered honestly - no, we live on about an acre and a half outside of town. Our dogs are inside dogs, going out to potty on a leash, (or, in the case of Heidi and Rogue just letting them out - they weren't Basset Hounds and stayed in the yard). Always in our sight. Didn't matter, that was their rule. Too bad, so sad.

Well, The Hubby and Bubba were crushed, and I felt like a crumb for having suggested it. Not to mention, if there is a God (which I doubt), he (she/it) is toying with us. I don't appreciate it.

I decided to try a rescue operation. Filled out the app online. Just heard back from one (I filled out 2), because Bubba (who, remember, just wandered into our lives) wasn't neutered and our cat doesn't have his vacinations we can't adopt. It doesn't matter that we're good canine and feline parents. That we treat them better than some people do their actual kids.

Oh, well, I guess we wait for a puppy. I know Bubba's lonely, but his whining is really getting on my nerves.
I'd like to say I tried, but I only feel so worthless. I can't even get a throwaway dog.

SIGH....You Talk About Your UPHILL Battles!

I have to come clean.

I am a cronic petition signer. There isn't hardly a petition or "let your Congressman know!" that goes by that doesn't get me into a later. Impeaching Bush (HELL YEAH!! I'll give him his constitutional rights, which is alot more than he's giving us); Saying no to Alito; drilling in ANWR; the past (ghastly) budget, and on and on.

Now Coburn may be a nutball, typical borg drone - not a thought in his head that doesn't come from the RNC - but he does answer his email.

In fact, here's his answer to impeachment:

Dear Ms. Not Together (yes, it was to my real name):

Thank you for your e-mail regarding impeachment proceedings for PresidentBush. I am opposed to any effort to impeach the President based upon hisdecision to go to War with Iraq.

There are no grounds that exist (aside: Can you BELIEVE this?!) for one to legitimately seek the impeachment of George W. Bush. Impeachment proceedings have only occurred twice in the history of ourRepublic. The rarity of impeachment underscores what I believe to be the central importance of elected representatives exercising great caution when contemplating impeachment. Impeachment is not meant as a partisan political weapon nor should it be used as a vehicle to discredit an individual at the nation's ultimate expense(Ha, hahahahaha!!). It should be used as theFounding Fathers wished - as a way to uphold the moral authority of the office of the president and serve as a check on the power of the executive should that person through criminal misconduct no longer be able to carryout the laws of the United States. The calls for impeachment against the President today are politicallymotivated efforts by members of the minority party to remove him fromoffice. The primary reason cited for this is the President's mishandlingof pre-Iraq War intelligence. The bi-partisan Senate Select Committee onIntelligence already has conducted an investigation into pre-Iraq warintelligence. This committee found no evidence intelligence was distortedto make the case for war. The Robb-Silberman Commission also reached thesame conclusion and found, in addition, the intelligence presented tosenators was less dramatic than that seen by the President. Thisintelligence led 77 senators to support the war resolution. I amconvinced the President made his decision to go to Iraq based upon theinformation he was presented at the time. Even President Clinton -operating upon the same intelligence - reached the conclusion in 1998 thatSaddam Hussein should be removed. Given these facts, I am more thanconvinced the President is not in any danger of being impeached byCongress. Once again, thank you very much for contacting me. Sincerely, A Tom Coburn United States Senator

It just makes me want to beat my head against the wall.

Am I Wrong?

Maybe I'm wrong.

Had an argument with the Hubby. Or should I say another one. This one about changing banks. I've wanted to for a long time. Tried once, with BOK, with them screwing us, so we went back. I have my reasons to want to change. I want not just online banking, but online bill pay free. Aaaaand the M-in-L works for our bank.

Now you can guess what the argument was about. He likes having her as a cushion to fall back on. I don't like that she has ultimate say-so over what we do. I want to sink or swim on our own.

Am I wrong?

GOD!!! I MISS MY MOTHER!!!

Guess I Oughta Comment

On the story about the Tulsa pastor who got his "hands" caught in the cookie jar here in OKC.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!
(wipes tears from eyes)

Oh, my.

You know, that's probably the reason the TULSA pastor was in OKC. "Ministering to police" he says.

I'm sure.

Random Thoughts

What kind of freakin' masochist am I that I added Sitemeter?! I can count my readers on one hand!

Oh, and another thing that came to me: Does it make me a lesbian to like my own boobs? Yeah, I'll admit to being big, not gross, but big. At the most cute, but not pretty. But I have some nice boobs, IMHO. And not just nice for a 46-year-old.

I was going to title this "Some Introspection". But then I realized, Some Introspection?! Hellfire! That's all I do!

Goodbye and good riddance to 2005.

I got my oil lease money in January (yeah, I looking forward to doing my taxes this year). It was nice to be able to live, for a while at least, without having to think "Do I have the money, will I be able to pay my bills?" I crashed twice in 2005, the first time, in March?, April? In the middle of getting the new manufactered house, while living with the M-in-L (I will be homeless before I do that again!). It was the first time I was in group therapy and a (quasi) hospital setting. I had spent most, if not all of 2004, gaining weight, dutifully taking my Zoloft, and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Like most times, I'm in counselling, taking an anti-depressant - feel great. Then the world gets in the way. By-the-by, we're spinning you off to Trilegiant. They don't have Aetna, so you'll have to switch to Cigna. That, in and of itself, wan't bad - it was cheaper and covered more - except for my psychiatrist at the time (great guy - Dr. Chakraburti - Dr. Chak for short). Then there are problems with copays and coverage, and that just feeds into my (not quite so) irrational fear of spending money on myself.

My son enlisted in the Navy, being promised the nuclear program (evidently he went off the scale of whatever-the-hell test that is they go by), in February. For a good long while he tried to make me feel guilty for that - that I forced him to enlist. And there were low times that I bought into that, and felt incredibly guilty. But I realized I had spent all of his high school years picking out colleges for him. I wanted him to go to college, away from us, away from his (creepy, controlling) Dad. He was not going to be a loser. Period. I'm cool with his lacking direction, focus. I'm cool with his not knowing what he wanted to do. But you have to DO SOMETHING. You can always do something else later on. And it really has improved him (although, it hasn't made him taller, or gain weight - he says 10lbs). And it has limited contact with (creepy, controlling) dad. Now if he'll only realize he deserves a life of his own. He graduated in May, delivering the Pledge of Alliegiance at graduation, and went into the Navy in September.

Aaaaand September is when I crashed again - making a "suicidal gesture", clutching, but not taking, my husband's Lunesta I had stowed away, I drove myself to my doctor. At the crux of alot of things: Jimmy's leaving, my Aunt (pronounced ain't) Ninny's dying, money problems, company being sold - again, different health insurance - again. This time I spent 4 days inpatient at Saint Anthony's (wow! that was a trip), and then went to SHARE at Saint Anthony's. SHARE is great! If you're in the OKC area, it's the best. Expensive as hell, but at some time you have to decide you're worth it. It was there that it was suggested I may be Bipolar II, since my childhood wasn't that bad, but I was depressed anyway. I think so, but the diagnosis isn't official yet. I'm trying to keep watch over myself.

At the beginning of November, I had a great vacation in, and fell in love with, Charleston, SC - meeting Jimmy there after his graduation from basics. Yes, we're going back this year. The M-in-L threatens to go with us. I was at a happiness level that, in my imagination, was close to mania.

Now we're at the end of the year, which closes on the illness and loss of our beloved Cooter - my canine son. We will get a new puppy at some point, but as of yet are still in mourning.

So, now we're in 2006. The middle of January starts the 20th year of Jimmy, culminating in his birthday of October 15. Hopefully drilling will start on the Roger Mills County property, and I'll be rolling in dough (I know, I'm counting chickens). I'm looking to improve myself in some way - to be determined. I'd like to get out more, as money permits, whether the Hubby wants to or not. The big lesson from the latest group being, If I don't take care of myself, who will? And the lesser, but still important, I'm the only one I can fix.

I'm optimistic for the year.
This will be the year we start taking our country back from the Borg.
The constitution will stage an amazing comeback, with the realization NOBODY is above the law
A good portion of the Borg will not just fear for their jobs, but have prison time staring them in the face.
We'll either start to, or get out of, Iraq.
And I'm still waiting for my "Star Trek" future, where respect and tolerance rule the day.