Keep Your Hands and Arms Inside the Car....

I think I'm approaching menopause, but I'm not sure. Like, I've been really hot this summer, but then, it's been a really, really hot summer. And last night I woke up drenched in sweat. And my ongoing problems with depression.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Like, how can it be, if I'm still having a FREAKIN' period?! Can't that stop first?! I'm pretty sure what I'm going through is some kind of normal bodily process. I am, after all, almost 47 (in October).

Hell, I don't Know!

Catharsis

My first week of unemployment done (not done?).

Supposedly, there is a well out in Roger Mills County that's been pumping away for about 2 months, but I haven't seen a dime's worth of royalties (come in handy right about now). My Cousin the Lawyer is handling all that stuff for us. On the upside, I got a chunk of change for something called a seismograph.

Also, my Father-in-Law, deceased for 4 years now, was one of those Depression-era babies. He saved almost everything "for retirement": aluminum cans (a shed and a 40 ft stock trailerful - thankfully gone now), aluminum crap, for lack of a better term, like chair bodies, ect; copper tubing, old (decaying) electrical cords (we filled an old stock watering tank full, for God's sake!); also brass fittings and iron and steel and old cars. What's left now (well, you can't really be sure what's buried in the weeds out in the pasture), is the iron and steel and old cars. But we're not sure it would pay to bring them into the recycler.

So, right now anyway, we're ok. We're still waiting on the royalty money, and getting kind of discouraged. Even though it should come soon, it doesn't seem like it's going to, y'know? And, I have to admit I haven't really been looking for a job, well, seriously. I scan the Sunday ads, shoot a glance at Monster.com and careerbuilder.com, have perused OK state jobs and federal jobs (through firstgov.gov). But it's like I don't want to work. NO, no, no, its EXACTLY that I don't want to work.

With the Hubby's health (physical and mental) in decline, I don't want to be 20, 30, 40 or more miles away for 8, 10, 12 hours a day! I know he's a grown man and can still, mostly, take care of himself. But that's part of it. I'm not making myself understood.

I want to be with him and do things with him while he still can. But, unless the mythical royalty money comes I won't be able to do that. And, I don't think I can get a job. My mind isn't in it. Interviewing requires a skill I just don't have. It doesn't matter how well you do the job, it only matters how well you interview (Southwest proved that).

OH yeah, depression covers this house like a fog, thinner for me, thicker for the Hubby. Hell, the Hubby I would catagorize as quasi-suicidal. He's not over the edge yet, but he can see it, and, right now at least, keep himself from it. Me, all I need is a good Lexapro prescription. But I don't have insurance, and the Hubby's Medicare only pays 50% for mental health - and, yeah he needs the excellent St Anthony's treatment I had (close to a year ago).

Well, I thought I should write. I wish I had more than 2 or 3 readers.

Unemployed Again, Naturally

Friday last came and went and I didn't cry once. I feel horribly drained now, though.

But I have come up with a drinking game: every time the M-in-L says something about someone hiring, take a shot.

The Hubby is seriously crashing, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Yeah, life is great.

One Week

One more week and I join the ranks of the unemployed again. But hey! I did get to shake CEO Gary Kelly's hand on Friday. Unfortuneately, I was on the phone WORKING at the time, unable to say boo to him about my predicament. And then he was gone.

I feel like such a loser. A whiney baby loser. I may be a nobody, but I should be able to get some form of employment. Being shy bites. Being fired (unfairly!) bites. having to explain it to prospective employers without somehow turning them off, bites. Life bites.

Haven't gotten any oil money yet. Would come in kinda handy right about now.

AAARRRGGGHHH!! What's wrong with me?! Why can't I just STAND UP for myself, for the things I believe in, for my country?!! Why does it scare me so?! Why is it SO HARD?! I'd say, you push and you push and you push but you never get anywhere, but I'm not sure I'm even pushing. It's like I'm some lazy, dumbass just waiting for it to fall out of the sky. And I know I've said it before, but IT BITES!! I'm like locked away inside myself with only this glimpse inside. I'm alone and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do next. And, God! this doesn't even go into the Hubby's problems! He's in pain, and feels worthless, and that life's a burden, but so far, he doesn't want to kill him self, he's just tired of living.

I guess I could call my friend Lakenda or my sister, but that doesn't seem right. I'll just be a downer. I don't want to inflict myself on them. They have their own lives, good lives, and they deserve it.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go now.