Weepy Weekend

I've had such a weepy weekend. I would have rather been at work. I could have done overtime on Saturday, but Randy gave me puppy-dog eyes, he didn't want me to. All we do on Saturday any more is go with the M-in-L Wal-Marting. And I feel like such a third wheel. And they're always ragging on somebody (usually Jimmy) - he doesn't know anything about money - he thinks everything is handed to him - he should be saving his money - I'm going to take that car back if he doesn't pay me - Jason (Randy's son) always paid me (talk about rose-colored glasses!) - and on and on and on - unrelenting negativity. I just wanted to scream. And they started right back on it on Sunday (when we go to her house to read the paper). She had bought doughnuts (like usual), and she made sausage and scrambled eggs. Because I didn't jump up and do dishes (granted, I guess I should), the M-in-L carped "I'm going to start charging for breakfast!" And again, started in on Jimmy. And how her wonderful youngest son paid his own way in college. I kind of snapped. Yes, I should have just kept my mouth shut. I internalize everything else. I told her he was stupid for doing so. That my ex had his college paid for, he had been in the Air Force (one of the reasons I didn't mind working while he went to school).

So, right now, I'm a bundle of conflicting emotions - rage (I feel like I could turn into a She-Hulk at any moment), intense self-hatred, sadness, and I'm sooo tired - I've got such a weight on my shoulders, I feel like I'm going to break.

And nobody cares.

Well, I guess I can't really say that. My husband cares, but he doesn't really know how to handle my depression and he has enough on his plate already.

Truth be told, now that I'm at work, I feel a little better. I'm not quite suicidal. Oh, don't get so upset! I think about it, I don't do.

I'm supposed to go back to the doctor, before he will write another prescription. But, geez, what a waste of time! He'll tell me I need to lose weight, and I need to exercise. We'll discuss how I'm doing on Zoloft (I'm Not!). I'll tell him that I do best on Lexapro, but it's not on the formulary, and I don't like paying full price when I have health insurance that's SUPPOSED to cover things like that. So, no, I'm not going back to the doctor, not right now. It serves no purpose.