Saturday, April 30, 2005

Blaaaah

Just one of those days. A little down, but it's more like the week without my 50mg of Zoloft, than actually having a reason to be down.

The war between Jimmy and the Hubby may be over. Jimmy told him he had to go to the Navy Recruiters office, or so - this is all second hand. Maybe he called from school. Anyway, the hubby told him the reason he wanted him to call and tell him where he's going was that he's concerned. The hubby says Jimmy said, "I'm kinda slow." So I guess after the Navy, he called and told him he was going to the mall. The hubby says Jimmy will get his PSP back when he proves his resposibility.

And I guess that may be what Jimmy was slow to learn: the difference between concern and control. Because on that same night....

Yeah, I'm paying for a phone line I'm not using. The new house has no jacks, and the thought of paying $110 per to the phone co kind of galls us. The Hubby says he's going to put it in (shiver). So, Jimmys dad can't pester us. He does have Jimmy's cel phone number, and the M-in-L's number. You might say my Ex's motto is "Nothing succeeds like excess." If you can't get him the first time, keep calling until you do. So at one point, he calls the M-in-L, and of course she doesn't know where he is.
So when he got home, we asked, "Is your phone turned off?"
He shows the phone, "no."
"You know your dad's trying to get a hold of you?"
"Yeah, I talked to him."

Well, I thought it was damn funny.

The difference between concern and control (that's slipping away - again).

The difference between a Dad and a Father.

Yeah, Jimmy may be slow, but I think he's come around.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Life Happens to Horses, Too

Yesterday, Thursday, was my Sunday. Me and the Hubby went over to the M-in-L's in the morning to do the chores, walk dogs (our Basset, Bubba is kind of particular about where he'll poop), feed chickens, make sure the miniature horses have water. Most of the girls have babies now: Pest (yes, that's her registered name - she kind of named herself), Star Baby (black/brown with a little white star on her forehead), Ima (no clue about the name), B.B. (for Black Beauty), Beauty, Molly. B.B., Beauty, and Molly (her's born yesterday) all have red colts, Star Baby's is starting to turn from the Charcoal color it was born with to the Black/brown of her mother, Ima's might be her washed out, off-white color, and Pest's is a Pinto like her, but mostly black/brown.

The gestation period for a horse is 11 months (and as a human female, that just makes me cringe). We've been watching a horse for a while, as she kept getting bigger and bigger. Her registered name is Fancy Girl, but we've always called her C.B. (Cookie's Baby). The M-in-L calls her a buckskin (sorry, don't know horse colors), she has a tan body, with a black mane, tail and legs. Well, yesterday, I was walking Bubba in the hay field (you know, you can put cheap chain leashes together, then wrap one around your waist and have your hands free!), and Randy was just outside the hayfield, walking down the pasture. I lost him when I turned and went back to the front yard, so I (well, me and Bubba) went back out to the pasture. I found him on the opposite side (the M-in-L's place is roughly in thirds - hay field, middle opposite). He yelled at me to get my cel phone, because he had forgotten his (and he almost never forgets). So I go back to the truck and get my phone. I take it out to him and C.B. is rolling on the ground, but nothings coming out. Randy says he went to look for her when he didn't see her. He calls his Mom (who was going to give blood), but he doesn't have the vet's phone number, it's in his phone. So I walk quickly back to the house and call the vet. We think she's having problems, but we don't know, John, the F-in-L, was the horse guy.

We get a rope around C.B. and get her to lay down (she tromped on my foot in so doing). I'm holding her head down, and stroking her neck. It took a while, but the Vet pulled out the colt - dead. He says it's head was cocked to the side, and when she was rolling around in pain, broke it's neck. He said she had been in labor for hours. He gave her a sedative, a pain shot, and a penicillin shot. And he left. Poor thing, she started to chew off the afterbirth, and was licking the colt. That made me cry.
"Honey, he's dead," I said. Of course saying that doesn't make it any easier - and she is a horse.

Randy got out the trackhoe and buried the colt and the afterbirth, the M-in-L has coyotes pretty bad. And that was all before 11AM. Later on, in the early evening, we moved her to the barn. She was still having some problems walking, the colt's cocked head had pinched a nerve on her right side. But she'll be safe.

The vet said we needed to get her bred as soon as possible, to keep her from having fertility problems. Me and the Hubby just looked at each other, it didn't seem right.

We don't consider her livestock.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I've been tagged by Corndog to try Caesar's Meme:

Behold, the Caesar’s Bath meme! List five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but you can’t really understand the fuss over. To use the words of Caesar (from History of the World Part I), "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling . . . but nice."

Which actually got me thinking about the entymology of the word "meme". I found that at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme. It kinda gave me a little infomation overload, but I got the point.

Anyway, I'm gonna have to agree with the 'Dog, I'm married, I live out in the sticks, miles away from any of my coworkers, I have a deadend call center job (which makes 'Dog's deadend job sound way cool), and I tend to march to my own little drummer. All of which makes me think, "hunh?"

Damn, I am such a dork.

But that may not be a bad thing.

From Corndog

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)High
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Low
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Monday, April 25, 2005

Can This Week Be Over, Yet?!

I've had a headache all day.

I had to adjust my hours to be here an hour later for a training class.
Said class was cancelled two hours in, because we had calls coming out the ass.
We had calls coming out the ass not just because of the training class, but because others were pulled out of our department to another department that had no calls on hold because of contractual agreements.

The Hubby is sick. He's going to the doctor tomorrow. But even if he wasn't, it wouldn't matter a damn that I'm grumpy, and headachy, and tired to the bone.

I've run out of my antidepressant, but by the time I get home, the pharmacy will be closed. Yeah, that one is my own damn fault.

This is directed at noone in particular, and if I offend, I'm sorry:

KISS MY GODDAMN, FUCKING ASS!!
I'M TIRED! I WANT TO GO HOME!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

My Own Meme

Or... The Meme Stops Here.

I don't have an IPod, I used all my extra money on (and in) the house. I don't even have a car CD player. I have a cheap-ass Kia I'll be paying for for another 2 years. So I can't do the IPod shuffle. As to the books I'm currently reading, that's almost as embarrassing: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Dan Brown's Angels and Demons.

So I'm starting my own meme.

I've decided, being smack in the middle of the oil patch, you actually need 3 cars:
The utility car - there's always a time you need to carry stuff.
The fun car - fun to drive, that is.
And the high gas mileage car - for obvious reasons.

My three:
the utility car - the Dodge Magnum - it has to be black, with dark, tinted windows. Can Chrysler design cars, or what?!

The fun car, '05 Mustang GT - also black.

The high gas mileage car - I'm kind of torn. My head says it should be like a Honda Hybrid, my heart says a Volkswagen New Beetle - diesel. You know, they're making diesel out of waste vegetable oil now.
Crazy, busy day at work today. But I don't want to talk about it.

Instead, I have slept in MY OWN HOUSE, in MY OWN (new) BED for the past 2 days!!! The bed is a platform bed, has 6 drawers on either side - KING SIZE (with room for me, the Hubby and the 2 dogs!), and is a pillow-top (my first ever) - it's just like sleeping on a cloud! And the ceiling fan puts out a nice breeze and kind of drowns out the barking dogs next door. It's like a dream. The Hubby built a small porch and steps for the sidedoor yesterday, using mostly wood from our old front porch. It's not dug in or anything, since they haven't put on the skirting, yet. Yeah, it's slightly wobbly. I don't care. For it being made by someone not real good with wood, it's fantastic!

I saw the therapist for the second time Wednesday. He has questions about my first depression (from 3rd grade until I was around 21 or so). Questions I can't answer. I know I was spanked in 3rd grade for not finishing my work. He questions why that sent me into such a tail spin. I don't know. It's all blocked, I only remember it 3rd person. He wants me to remember, since it's affected my entire life. It does kind of make me wonder why I did put so much power into my 3rd grade teacher's hands. I could only give him a confused look and shrug my shoulders. Why did it crush me? Why was I so sure in my self-hatred? Why was my childhood implosion SO great, it practically left a crater in Del City Elementary? And why do I let it linger today? Weird!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I'm really down today. I really need to write, but the words just aren't coming. My self-esteem is in the basement, more like sub-basement.

One incident: Yesterday, Jimmy comes dragging in a 6:30AM. "Where've you been?!" I ask. He says he slept in his car. He said after he finished at work (he had to close at his McJob), he took someone home. And, most likely, yakked for a while also. He said when he got to the M-in-L's the door was locked. I know it was locked because I unlocked it at 6AM to take Cooter and Bubba out to potty. Well, when the Hubby got up, he declared Jimmy lying because he said he was up at 2AM and Jimmy wasn't home yet. I believe my son, and I stick up for him. The M-in-L snaps (at me) something about it being a school night (true) and he should be at home. I went on to work.

When did I stop being a parent? Why can't I believe in my own son? And, for God's sake, he's a SENIOR! He has just over a month of school left! I, for one - I guess the only one, am going to cut him some slack.

I feel horribly alone.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

A Little Down Today

I realized I've been at the M-in-L's for a month now. All I need is electricity for the house to be liveable - stairs, natural gas and phone can wait. This is SOOOOO dragging me down!

The Hubby says the electrician is an idiot, he put the new pole beside the side door, where we'll eventually have a deck (someday). He's supposed to move it tomorrow.

Made some tweaks in my homework letter - but I'm declaring it done. I'm going to try to drop it off before I go to work tomorrow - hopefully someone's there at 7:00 AM. If not I'll just have to drop it in the mail.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

I Got My Homework Done

My assignment was from my son's AP English teacher. They had been studying Shakespeare's Hamlet. I was to write a letter of advice, like Polonius to Laertes. So here's mine. Tell me what you think, and if I need to add anything. Oh, and it's kind of long.

Dear Jimmy,
This is supposed to be a letter of advice, culled from my 45 years of wisdom.
Yeah, it ain't really coming.
I guess I could go by my mother's advice to me: Laugh with them (yes, the right advice, but easy to say, hard to do). Stand up straight (It makes you look thinner). Suck in you gut (see above).and after my divorce: You'll never get a man keeping house the way you do. (ha, ha - fooled her!)

This is the advice I got from one of my favorite bloggers, Jo Fish at Democratic Veteran (a veteran of the Navy): You son sounds like a great kid! Recruiters are guys looking to do their job, so discount about 1/2 of what they say as salesmanship and go from there. The "Nuclear" Navy is a great place to be for someone like your son. Perhaps the only other place where he might be as intellectually challenged is in the pure engineering programs or as a doctor, both of which require (obviously) more than a HS diploma. The men and women who are involved in the NucPower program are very good at what they do, and receive some of the best training in the world to do it, after all, when was the last time you heard of a Navy Reactor having a problem (it makes a difference when you have to live 'next' to it, I think). If he has any interest at all in becoming an officer, there are programs that allow enlisted men to go to either the Naval Academy or ROTC if they are qualified and motivated to to that; and they want to make the committment to the Navy by staying in. That's always another path...however, don't ever believe a recruiter who says that's automatic, it's not...sailors work very hard to get one of those choices presented to them. In short, if he's interested and motivated to do the Nuclear Power program, I'd say "go for it", the pay is a little better, the advancements are a little faster and the work is "real world". Hope that helps, let me know what happens...and thanks for being a DV reader! Jo And the advice Polonius gives to Laertes is pretty kick ass: Neither a borrower or a lender be...and: To thine own self be true...It's kick ass because it is so true, so rock steady after, what, 500 years? If you're going to be a lender, don't expect to get anything you've lent back without a struggle. And about borrowing, you really can't get around it, but you can be in control, it stead of it controlling you. If you're buying something major, like a house or a car, I think the official percentages are 40%/20% - a mortgage on a house can be no more than 40% of your take home pay, for a car, 20%. And for credit cards, (and this is pretty much do as I say, not as I do) the best way to handle them is as a short term loan and pay off the balance every month - you normally get a month's grace period before finance charges hit. If you get to a point where you can't pay the balance every month, just be sure to pay more than the minimum payment. Never be late with a payment (know from experience), the charges are horrendous (like $25 a day late fee plus interest!), but if you know you're going to be late call them and tell them, they can make arrangements for you.

And Here are some other's advice:

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

If
-Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about youAre losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and DisasterAnd treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spokenTwisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!


Teach your Children

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth
They seek the truth before they can die.

Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

-Crosby, Stills and Nash

I really don't have that much to add. Just remember, sex is okay - unwanted babies and disease aren't. I'm a big believer in parenthood being planned - children should be wanted before conception. Try not to jump into relationships, and don't stay if it's not working and only causing heartache. Abuse (by you or to you) can never be tolerated, and can be emotional as well as physical, or sexual (yeah, I know, "Yuck! I don't want to talk about it!).
Since I've spent about half my life depressed, I guess I know a thing or two about it. Depression is an illness. My psychiatrist compared it to diabetes. He said, in diabetes, the Pituitary Gland (I think), doesn't produce enough insulin, so patients take insulin to make enough in the body to lower blood sugar. In depression, the brain isn't producing enough endorphins, but there is no drug that can tell your brain to make more. What there is, what I take, are called SSRIs - Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. After the brain makes the endorphin, Serotonin, and uses it, it normally absorbs (Reuptake) it. So the drug stops that reuptake, which means there's more in the brain. And there are other drugs that work on other endorphins. One problem is that not everybody responds to just Drug Therapy (like me), they (like me) need a combination of Talk and Drug Therapies. With any mental illness, it's not going to go away if you ignore it, you can't shake it off like a cold, and you can't just "handle" it - it handles you. The strongest person is the one who seeks help when they need it, and help will always be there. But you have to ask for it first, and that's hard.
And, in conclusion, as much as I worry about everything it seems, I never worried about you. As much as others told me about "your problems" or "what I should do", I never listened. You're a great kid, I have been unbelievably blessed and I don't really know why. Just remember, Life isn't like a box of chocolates, Life is an adventure, not always fun, or always easy, but always an adventure.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

What Goes Around, Comes Around

or...

God Save Me From Guys With Depression.

The Hubby has been crashing the last few days. Lots of reasons/excuses as for why: His Mother, Me, Stress of getting the new house together, his illness. He's worthless, he says. I rebut. I tell him he needs to go to the doctor. Yeah, that goes over well. At lunch, he was almost in tears when he was telling me, "I can handle it." So Not!

On one hand, it really pisses me off that it's okay for me to seek help, but not him. Does that make me some spineless jellyfish that can't survive on it's own?! Again - So Not!

On the other hand, seeing him this way breaks my heart. Both as the one who loves him and as the one who knows deep depression first hand.

Is it a GUY THING? Because I just don't get it. I don't give a rat's ass that he doesn't have money. I don't give a rat's ass about his arthritis - yes, it's debilitating, but it's not who you are. It's not a sign of weakness to seek help, it's more of a strength to realize you need help. It takes courage to walk in and bare your naked soul.

To me he's a big, giant HUNK, but he just doesn't see it that way.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Back to Work

I am back to work today. When I first got here, I was out of my mind with anxiety. It has gradually eased - I did get hugs all around from those who noticed I was gone.

I really miss my group - but I had reached a point that, if I had stayed, it would only serve as a crutch. I had a little dip on the weekend, but am firmly on my plateau right now.

House-wise - the house is together and anchored, the interior finished, the carpet laid to where you'd never guess it was ever in two pieces. We still have to have the electric, gas, water and septic hooked up, and the skirting put on (in the future we plan to brick it). It doesn't have any phone jacks installed, but that can wait until we're in the house. We've heard that having phone jacks installed either costs nothing (since we already have service), or costs 100.00 per jack installed. It's just beautiful, nestled in the native blackjack oak trees! And we'll have a bunch of new furniture to put in it - we bought a new entertainment center yesterday! And it does kind of sit right on, well what used to be my u-shaped driveway (one side has eroded away to the point of needing 4-wheel drive to get out). And the grass that didn't have stickers is gone. And I'm in debt for the next 20 years (starting today). But what the hell - I deserve it.

Kid-wise - I got a letter from school stating Jimmy had Saturday School (their version of detention) this Saturday for an unauthorized absence last Wednesday. I asked Jimmy what class he missed - "a couple". And yes, I realize I stepped into this one - I asked, "Are you taking drugs?" "Of Course," he answers. His sense of humor is so dry I just couldn't tell whether he was telling the truth, or being wildly sarcastic. I'm going with sarcastic.

The M-in-L is still the M-in-L - her house, her rules. Still riding the Hubby, within my earshot, about me keeping the new house clean, but not confronting me. I'll be out of her house by the end of the week, God willing. Her house, her rules...Her house, her rules...Her house, her rules - my mantra.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I've Reached a Plateau

I don't really have anything new to add. Maybe when I have time to sit and really think about it. I have one more session Friday, and then start back to work on Monday.

But I have reached a point where I am not unhappy, but according to my psychiatrist, that is not my goal. Just existing is not a life. My goal is to be happy. Right now, to me, that seems really far away.

But, right now, I'm still here. And I'm going to be here for a long, long time. And I'm going to work toward happiness.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

I'm Still Here

And here's how it goes:

Monday, March 20, I got 2hours 45 minutes of low call (using vacation time!). I then went to the head of my department to tell her my depression was kicking my ass. She basically said we'd talk about it tomorrow. I then went ahead and called my doctor (the really cute Jesse Ray), I was going to make an appointment for my next day off, Thursday. The receptionist said, "Let's see if we have any cancellations." They did - at 3:30 that day.

I think I kind of freaked out the really cute Jesse Ray - He said I'm going to go to this place tomorrow morning to be evaluated and never mind about your work, I'll take care of that.

The place is Integris Mental Health's Decisions day therapy. It's a program that goes all day, lectures, group, and a wrap up at the end of the day. I see a psychiatrist 3 times a week. I've been going to it for around 2 weeks now. I see a difference, but I have a ways to go.

Since I'm not at work right now, I can't blog as often as I would like. I do want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone!! That you care means alot to me. I will be back, hopefully better than ever!!