Wednesday, December 27, 2006

No, I didn't get the job. Yes, I have given up on looking. Because it doesn't matter if I can DO the job, if I can't get through the interview.

And, I learned yesterday, my son had car troubles in MS and flew back to Charleston, SC. Great parents we are.

But, you say, there would have been nothing you could have done. You didn't have the money to go, or the trailer to put his car on, and the Tahoe isn't in tiptop shape.

I should have done something!! I should have done something.

I left work early today because I thought the Hubby had OD'd. He didn't. Just scared the hoo out of me.

My sister called. Said she got a letter stating ConocoPhillips is taking over our contract and any direct deposit information we had with whoever the previous people were is null and void. AND that they send out checks the 25th of every month. AND this all goes into effect January. Does this mean we're about to get our oil/gas royalty money? Should we have already gotten some of said money? Anyway, she said I got a letter, too - at her house. Is Guthrie that hard to find?! Can they figure out I'm married. What the Hell?!

So, this morning I was feeling really crappy. Not suicidal, but close. I was planning to go to my car at lunch and have a good cry.

Now, I don't know. I'm feeling really optimistic about the future, but also thinking I shouldn't feel that way, because everytime something good happens to me - BAM!! The bottom drops out.

Oh and have I mentioned we have something under the house (it's a double-wide manufactured house, remember), that likes to make chewing, gnawing sounds at night, all night. We're not sure what it is, it doesn't bother the dogs, but sometimes does the cat, it sounds bigger than a mouse. But, We did put some rat poison under the house in a couple of places, but right now we're at the point of taking a gun to the floor. DIE!! DIE, CRITTER, DIE!! I woke up at 3am this morning was unable to get back to sleep. I guess an exterminator is the obvious answer, but that requires money. And I'm not enthused about pulling up the skirting to get to the underside, it never looks the same when you put it back.

Oh, and yesterday, after I told the Hubby about the latest job debacle, he started to cry and told me he wanted me to be happy.

Ditto.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Happy Freakin' Holidays

Ok, I said it, can it be over now?!

I had a job interview for a job I won't get. It kind of reminds me of the horrible anxiety I went through as a kid when taking tests and doing piano recitals (hell itself!). Well piano recitals mainly - I didn't know squat about whatever I took tests on. I never studied. I never did homework. Of course the worst tests were the standardized ones that proved (to me, at least) what a dumbshit I was. Yes, now with the blessing of adult hindsight, I can tell you it wasn't because I was dumb, it was because I didn't try. School was over for me after the Third Grade Debacle.

but on interviews, I DO try, I REALLY DO! To me it's like those Netflik radio ads, except I'm not one of the savvy contestants, I'm completely in the dark. I want to ask, "Is that the right answer? Did I get it?" Can I do the interview in writing?

There is the odd possibility I may get a permanent position at the Christian charitable organization I'm opening mail for. Yeah, the job that bites the big one. But, Hey! I won't have to interview!

I guess I don't even have to say there's no royalty news. Sigh.

And about the Hubby. I'm completely at a loss. I may come home one day soon and find him dead. Or not. I don't actually know any more. He feels like a failure, I tell him he's not, but he doesn't listen to me. His pain is out of control, nothing I can do about that. He's supposed to see a pain guy sometime early next year, but what the hell is he supposed to do that oxy's not doing now?! The Hubby has bad days and worse days, sometime hours.

I don't want my husband to die. I know that's kind of selfish. I'd rather he be here with me and in pain I can't even fathom, than to have his pain relieved in a permanent kind of way. But there's nothing that I can do. Nothing that I can say.

And Christmas. Bites. Blows. Sucks hard. Jimmy is back in Charleston. We don't have any money for presents (and shut up with the "that doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah," it DOES TOO). The mortgage is paid, but my car is behind and gas, electric and phone and cel phone and loan payment are all due (car will be paid). Tomorrow we'll go to the M-in-L's house and listen to the Hubby's blowhard, now lawyer brother and his wife (the Hubby's Ex) talk about how great they are, with the M-in-L eating it up. My sister will probably want us to come over on Christmas day, but geez, me and the Hubby are such downers (losers). I don't want to inflict myself on them.

I Just want it over with. I know I won't get what I want: a nice antidepressant (that works on me) and/or an antianxiety and to be able to pay for it. It would be nice to feel good.

At least I have something to look forward to next month: the KATT blood drive, and the literacy tutor classes.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Wow! It's been, like, forever since I posted last.

It was just a cold that knocked me on my ass. It was a weird cold, though. Fever, chills, nausea aren't what I usually have.

Jimmy's gone back to Charleston to start his six-month job training dealie on a real reactor. Then he'll learn what carrier they're putting him on. Since I'm gone almost 12 hours out of the day, with commute, and overtime, I didn't hardly get to see him. And since I don't have any appreciable money, we didn't get to do stuff. So he mostly sat around the house the first week, went to his dad's that weekend, and hung out with friends the last week. He left yesterday morning, while I was at work. I know, since he is 20 he's an "adult". But I sure worried about him driving that long way by himself. We kept telling him he ought to stop for the night and get a hotel room, but he didn't. He did stop for a while and sleep, but not at a hotel. They think they're so bulletproof at that age.

I got to drive his new, New Beetle. It was wonderful. It made my Kia look like the pathetic POS it is. It did develop a problem with the window. He said he'd take it back to the dealer when he got back to Charleston.

And since I mentioned it, yes, I'm still opening mail for the Christian Charity. Yes, it still blows. I have another offer of a state job opening, I'll call for an interview. But you know I won't get it! I can't interview to save my life. And that's not even counting the panic attacks I get going to the silly things.

They had a prayer meeting on Friday. I felt REALLY out of place. I don't know how to discuss it. I was angry. He was talking about what he called "the disaster after the disaster": how everyone's sooo concerned when it's fresh, but out of sight, out of mind just a while later. I guess I was angry, because it hit home. But if I could reach out, there would be people out there for me to talk to. But I don't, I can't. I mean, look, you read down these posts and there all the same. But it's what's inside of me. What I have to get out of me. I don't even like listening to me, I'm boring (not to mention grotesque looking). So how can I ask people to listen to me?

I'm so envious of Randy's medicare. Even though I don't think our doctor gives a hoot about me personally, I would like to be able to go and get a good antidepressant. But right now, healthcare is out of my price range.

And Randy? Kinda same ol', same ol' - horrible pain, life not worth living, threats to end it all. He's supposed to see a pain management guy sometime early next year (hopefully not the dick he saw once before).

No new news of the oil variety. Come in kinda handy right about now. But I did finally get my Dr Pepper t-shirt I ordered in August. Sweet! Oh! and I'm going to be trained as a Literacy Tutor next month (well one session in late January, One early Feb).

And that's it. Life right now is just existing.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Well.

I just got a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter from the one company I thought I had nailed. I was sure I had it. I. Give. Up. I just cannot get a worthwhile job. And to top it off, I'm afraid I may be fired from the temp job for too many absences (2 being days I was snowed in at home, 2 now sick). I've heard that 3 times and you're out. Yeah, it's a Christian organization all right.

Jimmy drove home all by himself for his about 2 week leave. That makes me happy, but it's not the way it was supposed to be. He's a good guy. One of the very few things I did right. Did I mention he was planned?

And yeah, I'm at home sick, I hope it's just a cold, but I'm afraid it's the flu. I guess it's wrong of me not to want to inflict myself on other people, and want to relax and get better. I guess I should have marched myself to work anyway. Hell, maybe I would have died there. Maybe I was supposed to.

No, I still haven't heard from my oil money. I read on the Oklahoma Corporation Commission's web site that the oil company has 6 months from first sale to pay royalties. OR?!! If after that, they have to pay interest. OOOOH, Scary!! I want my damn money.

It still feels like I'm being ignored by God. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do know. I can't get a job, because I can't interview to save my life. I don't like, and maybe fired from the temp job I have. Oil money is nonexisistant. What?! I'm scared and I need answers and they're just not there. Hello...?!! HELLO?!!!

And finally, I want to say how much I appreciate the few readers I have. Looking at my Sitemeter stats, I realized it couldn't be just me. I don't have a clue as to why you keep coming back, but Thank You very much for doing so. It means alot to me.