Tuesday, August 31, 2004

I Did Too!

I did take my Zoloft today. And yesterday. So, can anybody tell me why I'm down? I'm not crashing. I'm not suicidal. I'm just down.
I think it's all old stuff. Old insecurites.

I would love to be like my favorite blogs: Pandagon (Jesse and Ezra are sooo cute), Kevin Drum at Washington Monthly, Atrios, David Neiwert of Orcinus, Eric Alterman, Skippy, Southknox Bubba et. al. I can be as righteously indignant as the next left leaning blogger. And, geez, how I hate George Bush! But I can't convince my right leaning husband how just plain dangerous repubs are. Just this morning he was going on about how great John McCain's speech was. Now, although he'll deny it, he's alot like his Dad. Who took much pleasure in goading his wife into anger. My Hubby also knows exactly what buttons to press. So, he may have been trying to make me mad on purpose, I'm not sure. Those above are bloggers way more able than me (I?) to give opinion, perspective, facts on current events.

But, I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I should just let my own voice flow, without worrying how it sounds, whether it's good or bad.


Friday, August 27, 2004

Mulling My Dilemma

I was thinking about the two choices I had from yesterday, then I see this. I'd consider it a sign, but I already knew about it.

The creaky, half-dead bird in the hand

or

Two fresh, young birds in the bush?

When the half-dead bird dies, it doesn't mean I'll immediately have a bird to replace it. But if I go after the birds in the bush, I'll still have the bird in the hand, well, until he dies.

HHHMMMM.....
interesting.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

The Question is JOB SERCURITY

Rumors are running rampant here at work that they may close the center sometime after Christmas. The head of the center says ain't no animal (as job security) and I need to make myself "marketable". Does that mean they'll pay for me to go back to school? Only if it is directly relatable to my work - so the answer is no.

*SIGH*

Geez, I hate looking for a job. Because I'm insecure, I don't do resumes well. Because I'm shy, I don't interview well. Then there's the whole making myself look nice crap. Then, because it's Oklahoma, it's doubtful I'd get paid a living wage, maybe an existable one.

So the question is, do I look for a job now, or do I let them push me out the door (and collect unemployment)? I'm torn.
This would be another time I wish I actually had readers.

Monday, August 23, 2004

My Weekend Was Crap

But it started off good. Had a nice Saturday. The Hubby and I did some messing around, like we used to do, before illnesses. But when we got back to my Mother-in-Law's house, oh God! She had let our basset hound, Bubba, out to potty. Him and her chocolate lab/pinscher mix, Cuba, had disappeared! We looked all over her 40 acres. Yelled til our throats were raw. Drove around - nothing.
When we got back from driving around, the Hubby's asswipe little brother was there. I went into the living room to nap in the recliner, so I didn't see what ensued. It was nasty. Asswipe made some snarky comment about Bubba, showing no concern about his being missing. And it went downhill from there. Now Asswipe, is a jerk. He's an insufferable know-it-all. And he's about the cheapest person on God's green Earth. Oh, and he's studying to be a lawyer. Now Asswipe and the Hubby have a nasty history, and like I said, everything the Hubby's been holding inside for, like, twenty years, came spewing out. Of course that put my Mother-in-Law in the middle. She's crying, trying to keep my Hubby from killing Asswipe. Hubby takes that as her taking AW's side, which hurts his feelings. And I'm still in the recliner, feining sleep, because I knew I didn't want to watch any of that, much less get involved.
AW goes away with his tail between his legs. Hubby and I go home, he's bawling his eyes out over Bubba (et. al). That night, around 9:30 or 10:00, Cuba came home. He didn't bring Bubba with him. I yell for Bubba more. I tell Cuba he needs to go and bring Bubba back. Then I start to bawl. Thus ends Saturday.
Sunday starts out, still tense and angry, Bubba still not back. Hubby is still angry with M-in-L, his son is angry with him, because of that. AW is conspicuously staying away (he doesnt want to make trouble - Riiight). We pick up our riding mower, because our lawn is a jungle (unnaturally wet, cool summer). I have to take my son (well, he takes me) to see if there's any way he can rent Schindler's List (AP English summer project - yes at the very last moment) without our help (yeah, BOK screwed us with Mega Movies), and to get yet more school supplies. He decides to go ahead and buy it, since he had to go to Wally World anyway. Hubby does not want to watch. So, we're trying to kill the four hours of movie. We end up back at M-in-L's. Hubby has calmed down. They talk. M-in-L offers to buy us a puppy, and shows us the ads. There are three ads, one in south OK, one that didn't return my call, and SJ out between Piedmont and Okarche. She has 5 females and 1 male. The male is what they call "lemon" colored - a light tan and white. Yeah, we bought him. We first think of calling him "Killer". We bought puppy chow and puppy (potty) pads. And he slept through the night, didn't whine or cry once!
Hubby takes Killer (though at the time we're think of changing it to Booger) to M-in-L's. While I'm still getting ready, he calls me, all excited, Bubba came back!! And Killer-Booger may now be called Cooter.
Fences mended with M-in-L, we have Bubba back and he has a playmate. We're going to pay her back the first of the month.

Oh, and Bubba is not leaving our sight again!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

I May Not Be Popular...

But I'm gonna have to agree with this:

Hjelm maintains that Badgewell, whom he describes as a "cordial" and "soft-spoken man," was merely acting to defend himself.
"Who can say with any degree of certainty what you would do if you were in a deserted warehouse at 4:30 in the morning and two armed men with brass knuckles attack you?" Hjelm said
.

Found the story here.

Thoughts on Family

I never fit in in my family. And, when I was a kid, I desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to belong.

Now, I'm not sure. Maybe being so different works to my advantage.

And maybe one day I'll go into details.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Happy 80th Birthday

Aint Ninny!!

aka Virginia Sharp!

The Start of My Weekend

Technically, it started on Friday night. I get off at 9:00 pm. I go straight up I35 from Moore to Guthrie. I'm in the middle lane. I get to just south of Hefner Road, and there he is, some guy, crossing an interstate highway, slowly. I see him before I hit him, but not during or after. I put on my brakes, cross the other lane of traffic, and come to a stop on the Hefner Road bridge. I turn around to see the guy I think I killed and there's noone there. Two cars stop ahead of me, a husband and wife. The husband had called for an ambulance. They ask me if I'm ok. I say yes. They tell me when I hit him (well, technically, he hit me), he spun around and kept on walking.
The fire department was on scene first, then Highway patrolmen, then EMSA (ambulance). They found him somewhere on Hefner Road, he didn't act like he was even hurt.
The Highway patrolman told me that it was ok, that he was crazy and wanted to die.
Yeah, by that time I had calmed down enough to think, "If he wants to die, I can kill him!"
He took my information, thankfully not asking for my insurance verification form, which then was at home, now is in the car. He asked me if I needed the EMT's. I told him no, and he let me go.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Friday Bubba Blogging

First, I need to talk about my dawg, Bubba, the basset hound. Yeah, I know, I need to put in pictures, but, one, I'm Ms. Not Together, and, two, I don't have a digital camera. Once I get a camera, and figure out how to use it, you'll see Bubba, et al.
A few days ago, it had to be Tuesday or Wednesday, because it was after the storm in the morning, I put Bubba on the Bungee-Puppee (a bungie cord leash you can get at academy - I'd link, but one, I'm Ms. Not Together, and two, I usually do this at work, and shopping is blocked), to go out on the morning potty walk with the entourage: Rogue the dachshund, and one or more cats. All of a sudden Rogue is running up the driveway like a little black-and-tan rocket, hair on her neck standing up, barking her head off. Bubba starts yanking me, pulling with all his might, up the drive way. There's a beagle wandering around. Let me tell ya, Bubba can pull! "Arrooo, Arrooo!!"
Up the driveway onto the road, I'm yelling at Rogue, who thinks she's meaner than snot. Bubba's still hallooing and yanking me along. The beagle runs first to the corner, then down the Cul-de-Sac. I get Rogue to stop, and finally dig in to stop Bubba. Bubba's barking turns into a morose howl, somewhere along the lines of, "Come back, Shane!"
I'm thinking...female beagle.
OK, after work, I go to Grandma's house to pick up Bubba and Heidi, there during the day with their Daddy. Since my son was at work, the house was pitch black. I think both Heidi and Bubba are with me, along with one or more cats. Once I get a light on, I notice it's only Heidi and cats. I flip on the porch light and yell for Bubba (and yell, and yell, and yell). Nothing. I'm thinking he's still nearby, because it hasn't been long, he's just being stubborn and not listening. I go get the spotlight and find him sniffing around next door. BUSTED!
I guess I need to say now, I live in a decreipit mobile home. It must have been in a flood in a previous incarnation, because now the floors are rotting. We did refloor the bathroom with plywood, but being the family Not Together, there's a hole that goes under the door. The cats use it.
Ok, so now I'm relaxing, waiting for the boy to call from work. He calls, and I don't see Bubba. He's not behind the recliner or on the futon. He's not asleep on our bed, or on the bedroom floor. Yes, he went out of the hole in the bathroom floor. Out comes the spotlight again. Again I'm yelling my head off. Again it takes a bit for him to acknowledge. I'm highly pissed.
He's a horn dog.
One day soon, he's going to say "Hello" to the vet, and "goodbye" to his nuts.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Progress Report #2

My Mother-in-Law is now back home. The Hubby is going to stay with her for a few days.

I know what you're thinking: *AWWWW* He is such a good son!
Damn straight he is!

He had some difficulties getting gas and prescriptions filled, because of last nights storms knocking out power (etc).


In other news, I took the son to the Doctor (the very cute Jesse Ray). He weighs 106 lbs, his blood pressure is 110/60, and, oh yeah, HE'S DEPRESSED!!!! The doctor decided, with school, job, the future, and his clingy-ass Dad, he has ISSUES (well, DUH). He gave him a few weeks worth of samples of Lexapro (and let me tell you, Lexapro is some good shit! Works like a charm for me - just isn't on the formulary).
I wasn't going to wait for something drastic to happen, being a depressive, I 'm going to nip it in the bud. I am relieved.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Progress Report

My Mother-in-Law may go home tomorrow. Is off the Digoxin, which made her throw up. And, no longer needs an anti-nausea medicine. They gave her Finergan yesterday (my husband takes the generic version), scared the Hubby to death! It made her act drunk, was halucinating - weird stuff!
The Hubby also said her atrial fibrillation looks like it's changing to sinus rythym on it's own.
Good days.

Oh, and happy birthday to my niece!!!
*SIGH*

Today, I do wish somebody would read this. I need advice.
Everybody knows I've been depressed roughly half my life, so you would think I could recognize it in my own son. His personality is alot like mine. I think he's depressed, but he won't talk to me. I ask if he's depressed, or angry and all I get is "no."
Geez, I know he's upset because he's failed the driving test twice. But he know's how to pass! The Tester told him! I told him! The Hubby told him!
I just want to know what's going on! He's quieter than usual.
I know about teenage depression. I was depressed from Third Grade (prerequisite traumatic event) until around 20. I didn't tell my parents crap! I didn't want to upset them. I already knew I was the defective one.
I. know. Depression.
Why won't he talk to me?
I feel like such a failure.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

2nd Strike

Yes, my son, again, did not pass the driving test.

Look...

Left,
Right,
and then left again.

And, when passing, or changing lanes, always...
turn
your
head
and look
in your
blind spots.
You know, I didn't even feel the need to drive until I was close to 20. He's a good kid. He's a smart kid. And if we lived in a place with good public transit, I wouldn't even care if he never drove.
Well, third time's the charm.
So they say.
Hell, I don't care how many times it takes, he'll pass eventually. I worry more about his self-esteem (or lack, thereof).

Chest Tube Removed!

She's feelin' great!

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Chest tube still not removed. Still has some Atrial Fibrilation. Was told the doctor said may have to shock her heart back into sinus rythym. Yikes! She looks great! She seems to be improving every day. What's going on?

As for me, broken record time, I'm still depressed. I just can't blame PMS or my period for it now. Zoloft bites. Formularies bite. Lexapro works, but I'd have to pay full price for it. So I'm stuck with either things that don't work (Zoloft, Effexor, generic Prozac), or that work but have side effects - well one particular one (Paxil).

You know, I don't mind being Not Together. I don't see that as a bad thing. I just wish...
I was thinner.
I was prettier. (prettier?! Geez, I just wish I was pretty!)
I was smarter.
I was more successful.
I had a better handle on who I am.
I, at least, tolerated housework.
I wasn't such a schlub.
I also wish people would read this blog. I don't really know why anybody would, though. I'm not really witty, or wise. This blog is my cheap attempt to spill my guts, before I implode (I don't explode).

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

I'm here! I'm here! I'm just a little down (as usual), and I don't have a lot to say.

My Mother-in-Law is supposed to be moved out of ICU today, and have the 2nd chest tube (that was draining her left lung) removed. She's expecting to go home Thursday.

Haven't gotten my son retested yet, have practiced a little, but not alot.

*SIGH*

Had a glorious two days of email access at work, but now it's gone. Blocked by the Powers that Be. And, while I know this is mostly me being a sore loser, I swear blocking almost everything under the sun is WHY THE DAMN COMPUTER IS SOOOO SLOW!!! We had two tech guys here the past couple of days, trying to figure out why our system is so slow. Hmmm, at the same time, less was blocked. Now they're gone, everything is blocked again, and sssssllllllloooooowwwww.
I guess I can't really complain, well, except how it actually does affect my work.