I Had A Fight

With the Hubby this morning. Actually it's becoming all the time anymore. And it's such a silly thing - he's a Bush supporter and I'm avidly Kerry.

And, No, goddamnit! I am not backing down.

I may be right, but I'm the one torn apart by it. I just feel sick. I know I ought to go ahead and spew everything that's roiling inside me, after all that's kind of why I started this blog (with 1 reader!), but what's the point? God! What's the point of anything?!!

I am sooo worthless.

**UPDATE** I feel a little better now. Not much, but a little. I'd like to say it'll be better after we vote, but we voted early on Saturday (to accomodate his mother) at the County Election Board.
**SIGH** I still don't feel like anything.

NaNoBlogMo Is Not An Alien Species

And NaNoWriMo is not his brother. What it is, uncannily, is something I've said a long, long time: That everybody has the potential for that ONE GREAT BOOK (ala Harper Lee). In November, Blogger is helping everyone (who wants to) participate in National Novel Writing Month.

I'm thinking I'm gonna do it! I'm not real sure, but I did register with nanowrimo.org. I haven't a clue as to what to write, so I haven't set up an alternate Novel Blog yet. I'm gonna have to think about it.

Scary!

Exciting!

I think I can do it - but I'm not sure!

I Could Just Cry

I've screwed with my template. I was merely trying to change the word "Links" to "Blogs". Now it's not coming in right, and I don't know what (the do-dah-day!) I've done wrong. That means I need to step back and calm down. Maybe play a game. My favorite is Bookworm. Yes, I am a nerd.

And now, accidentally, I hung up on a customer. I tried to call him back, but got a busy signal (gee, I wonder why?). My frustration level is rising. No, I haven't taken my pill in a while. I only have one left - and won't have the money to refill until Friday. And it doesn't even work that well!

You know, I know I am pretty darn blessed - great husband (so he's got a few health issues), great son, I still have a job (so far), I can pay my bills, I have a roof over my head. There are just some things I wish I had - self-confidence, self-esteem, if not happiness - contentment.

AARRGH!!

I finally met one of the candidates for Logan County Commissioner - District 2. I guess Kevin Leach, the Democrat expects to get by on his name alone. He certainly hasn't been visiting his constituency. How the hell am I supposed to know anything about him - other than my Husband either knows him or knows of him.

Now the other guy, Republican Mike Pearson, came to our hovel, talked to us, listened to us, you know, what a candidate is supposed to do. He was nice. His ideas, while esteemable, seem a little unworkable. Like he wants to pave the road our road tees off of - Midwest. People drive waaay too fast as it is! So, if it was paved, we'd have to rely on our invisible sheriff's department (I'd vote for the Republican there too, but he's unopposed).

I guess in the scheme of things, what we care about in our district is pretty minor - road drainage, fixing potholes instead of creating temporary speed bumps, getting ditches mowed so you can see what's coming, road graders who actually know what they're doing - and actually DO IT. Well, I can gripe about the City of Guthrie, but since I live outside of it, I can't do anything about it. I CAN do something about my county district.

I know Bubba (the Bassett - possibly Bassett/Beagle) can't ignore the call of nature. I am, in fact, really grateful that he does bark at me to walk him (even at 3:45am), instead of the alternative (which I'm still working on with Cooter the puppy).

It's cloudy and stuffy, the one lamp's light just casting an orange pall, rather than illumination. Bubba's on the bungee leash, Cooter on the cheapie chain leash. One wonders what will happen when Cooter gets older, and matches Bubba pound for pound, because they're usually going in opposite directions, with me in the middle. Right now, Cooter goes where Bubba goes.

We are planning to go our usual way - up the driveway to the road, down the road to the corner (where the light ends) and back. Bubba usually wants to do more, but that's why he's on a leash! So, when we got up to the road, it had never been there before, I guess it looked like a monster to Bubba - big, dark, threatening. He startes running, stretching the leash to the limits, barking his most threatening bark. And yes, that means me and Cooter are in tow. He was ready to attack whatever it was.

"Bubba, it's a trash can!" I'm yelling - being ignored. Yes, a trash can. the big, wheeled type used by cities, designed to be grabbed by a claw on the trash truck. The old guy on the corner must have just contracted with the waste company who handles Guthrie's trash pickup, it's the first time I've seen it.
"Rogue, SHUT UP!" Rogue is the black-and-tan Dachshund who barks because her head rattles, continues to bark after I've gotten Bubba to realize the trash can isn't going to attack. Although I do lift the lid a little and make growling sounds, but Bubba didn't bite on it. He peed on it a couple of times to show his conquest.

I drag the dogs home (almost literally), and fall back into bed. Two hours later, Bubba decides he needs to potty again. It's 6:00am.

**SIGH**

I'm a little sad today, but not as sad as yesterday. I still don't have a lot of self-confidence. I know that if I like my stories, that should be enough. But it's not. I always wanted to be like Harper Lee. I wanted to have that one great book. I'm frustrated. I don't think I'm good enough. Maybe it shouldn't matter, but it does.

In other news - I was really impressed with the Hubby's bathroom work. Yes, the floor is kind of a hodge-podge of not-nailed-down plywood, but there aren't any holes for animals to get in (cats) or out (Bubba the Bassett). And yes, the toilet is still flushing slow, but that's my fault - I accidently flushed a small comb. I did purchase a much better plunger, it doesn't collapse.

My son's Fall Break started yesterday. He and the Hubby went to Edmond and bought some video games and stuff. They may not say so, but they really do like doing things together.

And This Is A Surprise?

I found this article on Yahoo News, stating cost more than stigma, keeps people from getting the help they (I) need for their depression. Like, right now, I'm on Zoloft because it's on the formulary when Lexapro works better on me. Oh, and let's just forget about seeing a counselor! The copay may be $20 or $30 dollars, but, geez, $20-30 a week for how long? !

I just can't afford it.

I'm achy and tired and whatever creativity I claim to have just isn't available right now.

On the upside, the Hubby says he has fixed the toilet and the gaping hole in the bathroom. He says the dogs can no longer use it as an escape route, but the cats may still be able to.

Told the Hubby not to overdo it, he really doesn't bend that way anymore. He said he probably already did, but was about to knock off.

happy days.

Home Improvement?

Back to work after my four day weekend. And I have discovered that my job is not the worst thing I could do. Of course, I basically knew that. My job is just mind-numbing.
The worst things? The things I never want to have to do again? Well, they involve plumbing - and having to crawl under the house.

You know I call my neighborhood Meth Lab Estates, a little mobile home community outside of Guthrie. I live on almost 2 acres, wooded, a dry creek in the back. I live in a 14' x 80' single-wide mobile home - 3 bed, 2 bath. My husband had decided that it had been in a flood, as the floors are rotting. I've kind of decided the flood may have been man-made - the floors rotting away in the kitchen by the sink (the counter of which is also rotted away), by the washing machine, in the two bathrooms, and by the front door.

Yesterday we (meaning my husband), decided to reseat the toilet in the kid's bathroom and put new plywood on the floor. Piece of cake, right?! Wrong! Got everything done - was reconnecting the water line (which for some bizarre reason doesn't have a turnoff knob-thing), and the line leaked - bad. Tried putting a new o-ring in the connector - didn't work. And all the while, because the person we purchased the land from did such a slap-dash job, to turn off our water, you turn off our next door neighbor's (who was, luckily, out) as well. I ran to Lowe's to get parts - but got there after they had closed. In the mean time, the Hubby had found some parts from a previous plumbing adventure, and bypassed the toilet.

Yes, the toilet is connected to the sewer pipe (another hideous job I hope I never have to do again), but since there is no water to the toilet - you have to have a bucket of water handy. Oh and there is an even bigger, gaping hole still in the floor (which Bubba, the basset hound, loves - it being his escape route of choice), since we didn't get finished.

Bubba escaped twice during our home-nonimprovement frenzy. The first time, I slipped on gravel in our dirt driveway, running to get him and fell down forward (today, my knees are killing me). The second time, I was quite harsh to poor Bubba, and he decided to sleep instead of escaping.

I cannot help my husband as much as I would like to. I can't lift as much as he can, or tighten nuts as tightly as he can. And since he had to put himself into, what is for him, unnatural positions - he's in quite a bit of pain and unwilling to finish just yet. I don't blame him. He pushes himself way too hard anyway.

God, I want a new house. I just can't afford one.

Happy Birthday

To Jimmy!!

18!!!

And to sports fans - born on the day the Mets won the Pennant!

There IS a God!

...and he doesn't always ignore me!

I've posted previously how I was bummed my son was going to his Dad's for his 18th birthday, Friday.

Well, yesterday, when I got home from work, I learned Jimmy was scheduled to work, well, his normal shift, Thursday through Monday. Evidently his Dad threw an unholy fit when he found out. I asked Jimmy, when he starts on Saturday, at 3pm, so I said I'd like him to come to my party (at Shorty Small's in Edmond), if his Dad didn't didn't mind. He said he'd get his Dad to come up on Sunday instead. Yeah, he'll only be able to be there like an hour, but I'll take it!

I am SOOO DAMN HAPPY!!!

This is the best birthday ever!

Happy Birthday!

To me!!!

Happy Birthday

To my late, great Father-in-Law - John William!! Sorry not sure what age he would be. But he's a great man and he is missed.

Crappy

It's how I feel.

It's how my weekend was.

I better quit. If I keep on writing, I'll just spew self-hatred.



Yes, I did take my pill - today.

Happy Birthday!

To Mama!

She may not be here, but it's still her birthday! She would've been 80!!

For God's sake, don't smoke!

He knew he shouldn't be here. Maybe... Maybe he was dangerous. He needed to go away - far away, to figure out who, or what, he had become.
But here he still was, as if looking into a window on the past. Some questions had been answered, replaced with others. Why was still there, and it cut right to the bone.
Then he noticed her, a little speck in the distance, sitting on the dock looking into the dark water moving beneath her. She shouldn't be there. She wasn't allowed in the daytime, much less now. He could vaguely hear her mother calling for her. She should be able to hear, why was she ignoring her mother?

"What are you doing, sweetie?" You would think you could hear his heart break. "You know you shouldn't be here."

"I wanted to see you, Daddy. Mommy said you were gone. That I wasn't going to see you any more."

"I have to go away, sweetie. I'm not...I don't..."

"Then take me with you!"

"Oh, honey, you know I can't do that," his voice breaks, "Daddy has changed and nobody can know. I have to go now. You run back to the house, your mother's frantic. Just know I will always, always love you! You will always be my little girl! Now go home! Go on!"

He watches the girl run back to the house, the frantic cries for the girl turning into anger. He swims away.

Of All the Charlie Browns in the World...

I am the Charlie Browniest!

Really insecure!

Kinda sad - and crampy.

I really need to stop comparing myself to others. It doesn't go well.

I don't know, I guess I should have just left it in my head.

I'm not special. I'm not going to amount to anything more than I am right now.

**SIGH**

For You, Jon

I have four stories that rotate in my head. All with beginnings and middles, but no clear end. Two have more backgroud, because they're older. And they're all different catagories (in no particular order):

• 1 is fantasyish, actually yet another variation of Aladdin's Lamp. A boy, early teens, buys a knickknack (not sure what - lamps have been done to death) in an antique store for his mom (she's divorced from his dad, and while she tries to make sure he has a good relationship with his father, who treats fatherhood as more of a hobby, talking is difficult and they usually end up in an argument). The genie (or is it djin?), was a man in his early thirties, a little arrogant, a lot vain, who was to sell his horses to (important guy [emir, vizeer - I don't know]). He has an affair with important guy's daughter. Long story short, family is murdered, horses taken, and he cursed to be a genie (djin?) looking like a boy, early teens, fair skin, blue eyes. But, I've been thinking, it may have been set up, though the genie doesn't know that, and of course, blames himself. When the boy releases the genie, he's freaked out, overjoyed, is thinking of millions of things he wants, but remembers the story of The Monkeys Paw. So he's not sure he can safely wish for anything, other than for the genie to speak english.

And that's the beginning of that one.

I AM SOOO BORED!!

I'm bored, and I may have forgotten to take my anti-depressant.

I've been doing schedule changes. Those are the changes airlines make to already booked resvervations: time changes, flight number changes, connection changes, etc. They get put into a schedule change queue. To work them, you make sure the connections are valid, inform the passenger, and send them a new itinerary.

Three words:

MIND NUMBINGLY BORING!

Now I've been taken out of schedule changes and put back into Customer Service. It's another one of those I-wish-I-was-still-at-Hertz days. No, I don't feel completely culpable for losing my Hertz job, they knew I was depressed, they could have worked with me. I didn't care about money - I just wanted the time off. But I wasn't nervy enough to fight for my job. Maybe I wasn't that recovered. And maybe I didn't really want to go back. Hertz is the best, where ever in the world you're wanting to rent, but they treat their employees like crap.

And, yeah Jon, I know I'm repeating myself. What can I say, my life is boring. I want more, but I can't tell you what I want.

My Weekend

I took a vacation day Friday. The Hubby and I went out to eat (a big deal if you don't do it often) at Marie Callender's. Kind of a trek for us, since we live in Guthrie and Marie Callender's is in Norman (what, like 60 miles?). Good stuff, and brought a sugar-free Razzleberry pie back for the M-in-L.

Also on Friday, the Hubby's son's friend and his wife had their baby, Isabella Michelle. Poor girl (yes, I can call her a girl, she's only 21 or 22) was in labor for, like, two days, got fully dilated, then still had to have a caesarean. Didn't really follow why, something about the baby not turned right (give me something I understand, like meconium aspriation). Baby is beautiful, 6lbs 10oz, healthy (thank God, since the mother smokes - ick). DID NOT HOLD THE BABY. That would have been a dangerous thing to do.

**SIGH**

I wanted to have more children.

Enough dwelling on things that aren't going to happen.

Had been wondering why my son had been so moody lately.

1. He has not been taking his anti-depressant.
2. He had a secret.

We learned what that was Saturday, but not from him. Received from his dad an itinerary, booked on September 21st. Jimmy's flying down to his Dad's on his birthday (Oct. 15th) for the weekend. Now, I'm not going to begrudge him the weekend, but they always do the exact same thing: eating out, going to a movie. It's been the same since the divorce was final in March of '90 (which has always annoyed the piss out of me, but what can I say?). Now Jimmy's work schedule is usually from Thursday through Monday, sometimes Thursday through Sunday and Tuesday. The Hubby was furious, and I was disappointed (I was wanting to have the Tri-Birthday party). Jimmy was acting better this morning (about the only time I ever see him anymore). Since personality-wise, he's like me, I can only go on conjecture. I think he feels better with the weight off his shoulders. He knew we'd be upset. I know I tend to make mountains out of molehills, so when whatever I'm stressing over is over, it's actually a relief.

I may still have a party that weekend, but I don't know. I don't want to have it at my hovel, excuse me, my house. I'd rather have it at my Mother-in-laws, but I don't think she would like that. I would want Randy (the Hubby) to cook (ribs, chicken, maybe turkey legs). Smoked potatoes would be good, too.

Oh, and Jimmy did remember to go get his yearbook picture taken on Friday afternoon, which I had actually forgotten.

The rest of the weekend was pretty unremarkable. I did get caught up on my weekday tv, tape for me. We had to get a new VCR, the old one (not that old) started to eat tapes. Maybe now I'll get to see CSI-Miami.

My life is so interesting.

Had an argument with the Hubby when I called him at lunch. Just how does James Carville and Mary Matalin DO it?! He knows he's right and I'm wrong, and I know he's wrong because I AM RIGHT.

You know, normally, we're not actually that far apart. He's usually more of a RINO (Republican In Name Only), a Jesse Ventura Independent. I just don't get it. He's pro-choice ("if she can live with it"), anti-Patriot Act.

Well, for better or for worse, It'll be over November 2.

Thank God.



But I am right.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

My work is driving me out of my mind. I've been trying to numb my raging frustraton by reading news, doing a crossword online. Then I run into this little gem.

Now, I think I've mentioned before (heck, I don't read my archives!) that I have epilepsy. I have almost no seizures (and the ones I do have are rare and the blank stare variety). I had more seizures before adulthood than after. But I've suffered with depression roughly half my life. Is there a connection?

I don't know.

Atrios Gives Me Advice!

Ok, well, maybe not me personally, since I sincerely doubt he knows I'm alive, but it's close. You can read it here.

Am I going to follow it?

Probably not. I am, after all, Ms. NOT Together!

Student of the Week!

Last night, after he came home from work, my son asked me how to get to local Guthrie restaurant Granny Had One. After giving him instructions he understood ("You know where the stadium is? It's just past the intersection on the other side"), I asked him, "Why?" Then he told me he was the Rotary Club's Student of the Week. If I didn't wear t-shirts constantly, I'd be busting my buttons!! Then I asked him when he found out, it being Sunday night, him tending to dawdle anyway. He told me he learned Friday. I gave him that one. Now that he's driving himself, between school and work, I hardly ever see him!

**SIGH**

In the dream I had early this morning, I decided I needed 5 newspapers to give to family. Of course, the the dream, Jimmy was wearing dark blue denim cargo pants and a light blue shirt. In real life, it was a dark green t-shirt with Zelda on it, and jeans (maybe black, maybe blue). In concious thought, it's more like 3.

Unfortunately, the Guthrie Daily Leader doesn't have a web site. Buggers.

**UPDATE** Granny Had One does have a website!

**UPDATE II** Picture to come out in tomorrow's (Sep. 29) paper! I might need 4 copies.

**UPDATE III** If I include my ex-husband - it would be 5.

**UPDATE IV** The News Leader comes out in the afternoon(Wed., Sep 29), so I still haven't seen it. Oh, and it may be Student of the Month (which makes more sense). So, my son doesn't talk to me! It's a karma thing - somewhere up in heaven my mother is giving me a knowing chuckle.

**UPDATE V** It is Rotary Student of the Week. I bought 3 papers this morning (Thurs., Sep. 30), that would be for me, my M-in-L and my sister. The picture is great, it actually makes him look tall! I'm just bursting! I did get, from a co-worker, "So your son is a nerd?"
Well, yeah, it's genetic.

Dear Mama,

I guess it's time to talk again. I'm remembering to take my antidepressant, for the most part, but I'm still down.
I feel so...
inadequate.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. But it such a hard habit to break. I mean, look at Jenny at work. She's sent in a whole sit-com script to that Bravo show! She's a prolific writer. Why can't I do that? Why are my stories locked in my head?

And last night, at the post dove hunt guy-fest, why wasn't I nervy enough to tell them they were being brainless, Bush-sheep? Why couldn't I march into the kitchen and tell them Bush is the WORST PRESIDENT EVER? Why couldn't I tell them, the world, the country, the environment is going to hell, while he paints pretty pictures. But I didn't. The Hubby asked me if I wanted to respond, but I said no. I didn't want to be made fun of. By a bunch of damn ostriches. What's wrong with me?! Why does it matter? I know I'm right. I just wish they would listen, but it's like I don't exist.

Oh, and Jimmy has his driver's liscence now. So, I see him leave for school, and that's it. I thought I was so cool. I thought I could handle the cutting of the cord. You know, I did my job, I raised a mature young man, time to let go. Yeah, it's bugging the living crap out of me. I'm not ready.

Oh, yeah, when I got home last night, around 9:45 like usual, Jimmy asked me what Senior stuff he should buy. I told him, besides the cap and gown, really all you need are announcements. He said he was thinking of getting one of the packages (like $170!!). I kind of swallowed and told him to get what he wants, and I'll help him pay for it.

You would be so proud of me, I have a reader. Well, have had. I think I lost him. Maybe it's because I don't really have anything to say. Or maybe I have things to say, but haven't found my voice yet.

More to say...

But I'll talk later.

Breaking News

Well, more like breaking gossip.

Macaulay Culkin arrested for drug possession in OKC!
See Details here.

Freaky!!

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Frist Campaigns For Coburn In Oklahoma

Not necessarily a good thing. Read here.

Hey, show my boy some love!

Digging Himself Deeper...

Tom Coburn has done it again. Oklahoma has the second largest Native American population in the nation, you don't piss them off.

From the transcript of Judy Woodruff (a little more than half way down),

TOM COBURN (R), SENATORIAL CANDIDATE: Politics, I can assure you, is no fun.
WOODRUFF (voice-over): Not for former Congressman Tom Coburn, at least. Not these days. With Election Day looming large, the Republican Senate candidate finds himself embroiled in controversy, battling old charges of Medicaid fraud.
COBURN: You're taken an unfounded accusation from a sleazy, liberal dot-com and making it something real.
WOODRUFF: Earlier this week, salon.com reported that 14 years ago, Coburn, an obstetrician, sterilized a woman without her consent during surgery to relieve an ectopic pregnancy. Coburn didn't report the sterilization to Medicaid, saying the cost would not have been covered by insurance since the woman was under 21.The woman later filed suit. But Coburn insists she repeatedly asked to be sterilized.
COBURN: And the fact is that she's sitting there dying with a belly full of blood. And had I sterilized her before when I she asked me to, she wouldn't have gotten in that place. So, when she asked me to do that this time I did. And I'd do it again.
WOODRUFF: Before the story broke, polls had Coburn locked in a tight race with Democratic Congressman Brad Carson. Now Democrats see an opening.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dr. Coburn's character and integrity are absolutely in question.
WOODRUFF: But Coburn remains defiant... COBURN: If you think my character is wrong, go do the hard work to prove it.

Umm, dude, I think you just did.

Happy Birthday!

To the Hubby, who's now older than me for a month!

Go, Carson!

My husband and I may be far apart when it comes to president candidates, but we both agree, Tom Coburn is an idiot, dangerous, a big, giant hypocrite, etc. Just read this (you'll need to sit through the ad). Him and Istook are cut from the same cloth, always denying funding to their home state.

A Question

Why, when I dream, my parents are still alive? My mother usually pre-stroke.

*SIGH*

I wish they still were. (pre-stroke for my mother)

Ah, Irony!

'Nuff said!

HUZZAH!!

The third time was a charm! Yeah, his score was 79, but hey, it's above the minimum 70! My son is now a licensed driver! And since his birthday is after the cutoff date for registration, they registered him (Democrat!) to vote as well!

So, as I was driving behind him, I had to check him in at school since he was late, I was thinking, "Geez, you drive like an old man!"

That may not be a bad thing.

Oh, and I now live in a Kerry household (2 to 1)!

A Truly Finite Resource

MSNBC asks, How Long Will the World's Oil Last?
One estimate, and I had heard this somewhere before (oh yeah, from the OK Sustainability people), is that world production will peak around Thanksgiving of next year. True, the US production peaked around 1970, but our oil bubble lasted until 1982, when the Penn Square Bank crashed. Then things went to hell in a hurry.

Should we be scared about a future we are woefully unprepared for?

Shouldn't we be doing something other than trying to destroy the Earth looking for a little more oil?

The Woes of Carroll Fisher

Our honorable Insurance Commissioner. I guess I ought to comment on his latest troubles. I don't really have an opinion. I don't feel he has to resign right now, like Governor Henry wants him to. He is still innocent until proven guilty. But I don't see as how he'll have time to do his job.

And this nugget from last year doesn't help any (and it's still a hoot)! One of your elected officials can get drunk and rowdy like the rest of us, but he thought he could get off.

A Statement to Life Loving Christians

Before you whack me over the head with this.

Why don't you say or do ANYTHING about this!!

Guns, Guns Guns!

We went to the gun show Sunday. The Hubby was disappointed, they didn't have what he wanted (some sort of really, really hard bullet). They did have a lot of guns, pretty much the same ones over and over again, of varying prices.

I guess here's where I diverge from alot of Liberal Democrats. I enjoy shooting, too. I have two handguns of my own: a 22 and a 9mm (both Rugers). I'm better with the 22 mainly because I've had more practice with it. There's just something sooo cathartic about blowing holes through a paper bad guy. Every bit of anger, frustration and hatred is gone and you're left feeling confident, in control! I could've used that Monday, I was really grumpy. Knitting, however, is different. Knitting is a Zen thing. You're in the moment. You're one with your needles, the piece you're knitting. You're not happy, you're not sad, you just are.
The Hubby wants to teach me to shoot a rifle. I've shot his Mini-14, but it kind of annoys me. I'm nearsighted, so I can either see the target, or I can see the sights, which doesn't bother me when I'm shooting my handgun, but bugs the crap out of me with a rifle.

Now, my husband is not a "Gun Nut". He is a Gun Hobbyist. He will tell you that there are people who should not own a gun. And they are out in force at gun shows. Now, as the Hubby has taught me, you always treat any weapon as if loaded! But whatever weapon they're looking at, carting around, they'll point it right at you, like it's some kinda white boy's toy.

And, of course, everybody there is a one issue person. Even though you'd think every other issue would trump that one.

There's the table that sells militia/separatist books (i.e. Anarchis's Cookbook).
There's the table selling rebel/Confederate stuff, flags, bumper stickers, etc. (hello, you lost. - And don't give me that state's rights thing - they were fighting for the right to own a human being as property. Now it holds no purpose other than race baiting. Geez, can't we get past that already?!)
There are the obligatory women's tables: jewelry, beany babies, and the like. Yeah, I'm not the only woman taken out to a gun show.
And now days there are as many knive sellers as guns. All kinds, too. You can ususally find at least one Lord of the Rings sword, there were two at this one.

All in all, it was a good day. It's a great place to people watch. I recommend it highly.

I tried to post this yesterday, but had problems with it. weird.

Thoughts On A Long Weekend

Since me and the Hubby are still taking care of M-in-L, we're kind of limited on going and doing. So we did short jaunts. We messed around (you pretty much have to drag me kicking and screaming from a bookstore) then ate out on Saturday. Went to a gun show Sunday (more thoughts on that later). Did our grocery shopping on Monday. I also helped my son sign up for Sat II tests and start on the ACT form. He's considering not taking the regular SAT, since now most universities accept the ACT. Yeah, for a long weekend, it kind of sucked.

Speaking of my Mother-in-Law, the Hubby and I are getting a little frustrated with M-in-L. It's, oh I don't know, It's like she's not trying to get better. She's not making an effort in her own recovery. Now, I know the older you are, the longer it takes to recover. She's not what I'd consider old. She doesn't want to go back to work (she's getting close to retirement age), which I think is a mistake (Hellfire, my Grandma Ben["Grandma Ben, when are you going to retire?" "When I get old!"] worked until the day before she died. Yes, she was working part-time, but that's not the point. She was one of the youngest people I've known. Oh, and my Mom! It's like she didn't even want to think after she retired, she just wanted to read romance novels - GAK!). She doesn't feel a need to drive (ok, that may be construed as a GOOD thing). She's not walking as much as she should. And complains of pain more than she should (that one's kind of subjective on my part). And the coughing, which leads to spitting and throwing up clear liquid, and sometimes (we think it's a side-effect of one of her medications) actually vomits. Something just seems wrong. But should the regular doctor get involved or the cardiologist?

OT: She griped to my husband this morning that the floors were filthy, as I hadn't vacuumed for two days. I was sitting at the same table. I was right there. But she didn't say anything to me. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I HATE TO BE IGNORED!

That's enough of that.

UPDATE: The Hubby finally got M-in-L to go to her family doctor! I was told it looks like she's getting pneumonia. He put her on penicillin. Maybe I'm being reactionary, but shouldn't she be in a hospital (not Logan County)?

Explain This to Me

This is a horrible situation. It isn't a black/white thing. There are no good guys. I can't really call it a shades of grey thing, either. Whatever points either side had to make are null and void. Putin needs to learn the Soviet Union is dead. And the Chechnyans whatever validity their cause had, died with those children.

Horrible, just horrible.

I Don't Feel Like It

All week long, I've been really happy with Bubba. All week long the dog alarm's gone off at 5:30 am. Today - 3:30 am. Pretty uneventful walk, except heading back home, Bubba sees a strange, black thing coming towards us - "Brooooo!"
"Bubba! That's our cat!" Yeah, it was our own cat, Midnight, who was too lazy to join us at the start of the walk, scaring the hoo out of Bubba.
*EYES ROLL*

And I guess I should have gone ahead and slept in the recliner in the the living room, because I didn't sleep well afterwards. Sinus trouble, I think. Headache, scratchy throat. I am sooo tired. Yay.

Is It Any Surprise?

The most worthless newspaper in the nation, has the most worthless website?!

Go Guthrie!

Sad, just sad.
The town I live in.

Why?

Why be in anything that denies your basic rights? I found this at channeloklahoma.com while trolling Oklahoma news sites (um, yeah, we have no news).
I mean, I can kinda see the point of wanting to bring about change, especially to really, really repressive groups (like Republicans). But, to my mind, if you're butting your head against a brick wall, you're not gonna knock the wall down, you're just gonna get a concussion.

But there is this from the article:
State Republican Chairman Gary Jones said the party welcomes diversity, including gay members.

Just plain funny.

I Did Too!

I did take my Zoloft today. And yesterday. So, can anybody tell me why I'm down? I'm not crashing. I'm not suicidal. I'm just down.
I think it's all old stuff. Old insecurites.

I would love to be like my favorite blogs: Pandagon (Jesse and Ezra are sooo cute), Kevin Drum at Washington Monthly, Atrios, David Neiwert of Orcinus, Eric Alterman, Skippy, Southknox Bubba et. al. I can be as righteously indignant as the next left leaning blogger. And, geez, how I hate George Bush! But I can't convince my right leaning husband how just plain dangerous repubs are. Just this morning he was going on about how great John McCain's speech was. Now, although he'll deny it, he's alot like his Dad. Who took much pleasure in goading his wife into anger. My Hubby also knows exactly what buttons to press. So, he may have been trying to make me mad on purpose, I'm not sure. Those above are bloggers way more able than me (I?) to give opinion, perspective, facts on current events.

But, I don't know, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I should just let my own voice flow, without worrying how it sounds, whether it's good or bad.

Freakin' Fantastic!

I actually had a reader!

Ha ha!!

Mulling My Dilemma

I was thinking about the two choices I had from yesterday, then I see this. I'd consider it a sign, but I already knew about it.

The creaky, half-dead bird in the hand

or

Two fresh, young birds in the bush?

When the half-dead bird dies, it doesn't mean I'll immediately have a bird to replace it. But if I go after the birds in the bush, I'll still have the bird in the hand, well, until he dies.

HHHMMMM.....
interesting.

The Question is JOB SERCURITY

Rumors are running rampant here at work that they may close the center sometime after Christmas. The head of the center says ain't no animal (as job security) and I need to make myself "marketable". Does that mean they'll pay for me to go back to school? Only if it is directly relatable to my work - so the answer is no.

*SIGH*

Geez, I hate looking for a job. Because I'm insecure, I don't do resumes well. Because I'm shy, I don't interview well. Then there's the whole making myself look nice crap. Then, because it's Oklahoma, it's doubtful I'd get paid a living wage, maybe an existable one.

So the question is, do I look for a job now, or do I let them push me out the door (and collect unemployment)? I'm torn.
This would be another time I wish I actually had readers.

My Weekend Was Crap

But it started off good. Had a nice Saturday. The Hubby and I did some messing around, like we used to do, before illnesses. But when we got back to my Mother-in-Law's house, oh God! She had let our basset hound, Bubba, out to potty. Him and her chocolate lab/pinscher mix, Cuba, had disappeared! We looked all over her 40 acres. Yelled til our throats were raw. Drove around - nothing.
When we got back from driving around, the Hubby's asswipe little brother was there. I went into the living room to nap in the recliner, so I didn't see what ensued. It was nasty. Asswipe made some snarky comment about Bubba, showing no concern about his being missing. And it went downhill from there. Now Asswipe, is a jerk. He's an insufferable know-it-all. And he's about the cheapest person on God's green Earth. Oh, and he's studying to be a lawyer. Now Asswipe and the Hubby have a nasty history, and like I said, everything the Hubby's been holding inside for, like, twenty years, came spewing out. Of course that put my Mother-in-Law in the middle. She's crying, trying to keep my Hubby from killing Asswipe. Hubby takes that as her taking AW's side, which hurts his feelings. And I'm still in the recliner, feining sleep, because I knew I didn't want to watch any of that, much less get involved.
AW goes away with his tail between his legs. Hubby and I go home, he's bawling his eyes out over Bubba (et. al). That night, around 9:30 or 10:00, Cuba came home. He didn't bring Bubba with him. I yell for Bubba more. I tell Cuba he needs to go and bring Bubba back. Then I start to bawl. Thus ends Saturday.
Sunday starts out, still tense and angry, Bubba still not back. Hubby is still angry with M-in-L, his son is angry with him, because of that. AW is conspicuously staying away (he doesnt want to make trouble - Riiight). We pick up our riding mower, because our lawn is a jungle (unnaturally wet, cool summer). I have to take my son (well, he takes me) to see if there's any way he can rent Schindler's List (AP English summer project - yes at the very last moment) without our help (yeah, BOK screwed us with Mega Movies), and to get yet more school supplies. He decides to go ahead and buy it, since he had to go to Wally World anyway. Hubby does not want to watch. So, we're trying to kill the four hours of movie. We end up back at M-in-L's. Hubby has calmed down. They talk. M-in-L offers to buy us a puppy, and shows us the ads. There are three ads, one in south OK, one that didn't return my call, and SJ out between Piedmont and Okarche. She has 5 females and 1 male. The male is what they call "lemon" colored - a light tan and white. Yeah, we bought him. We first think of calling him "Killer". We bought puppy chow and puppy (potty) pads. And he slept through the night, didn't whine or cry once!
Hubby takes Killer (though at the time we're think of changing it to Booger) to M-in-L's. While I'm still getting ready, he calls me, all excited, Bubba came back!! And Killer-Booger may now be called Cooter.
Fences mended with M-in-L, we have Bubba back and he has a playmate. We're going to pay her back the first of the month.

Oh, and Bubba is not leaving our sight again!

My Co-Workers Say I Need a Drink

I think they might be right.

I May Not Be Popular...

But I'm gonna have to agree with this:

Hjelm maintains that Badgewell, whom he describes as a "cordial" and "soft-spoken man," was merely acting to defend himself.
"Who can say with any degree of certainty what you would do if you were in a deserted warehouse at 4:30 in the morning and two armed men with brass knuckles attack you?" Hjelm said.

Found the story here.

Thoughts on Family

I never fit in in my family. And, when I was a kid, I desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to belong.

Now, I'm not sure. Maybe being so different works to my advantage.

And maybe one day I'll go into details.

Happy 80th Birthday

Aint Ninny!!

aka Virginia Sharp!

The Start of My Weekend

Technically, it started on Friday night. I get off at 9:00 pm. I go straight up I35 from Moore to Guthrie. I'm in the middle lane. I get to just south of Hefner Road, and there he is, some guy, crossing an interstate highway, slowly. I see him before I hit him, but not during or after. I put on my brakes, cross the other lane of traffic, and come to a stop on the Hefner Road bridge. I turn around to see the guy I think I killed and there's noone there. Two cars stop ahead of me, a husband and wife. The husband had called for an ambulance. They ask me if I'm ok. I say yes. They tell me when I hit him (well, technically, he hit me), he spun around and kept on walking.
The fire department was on scene first, then Highway patrolmen, then EMSA (ambulance). They found him somewhere on Hefner Road, he didn't act like he was even hurt.
The Highway patrolman told me that it was ok, that he was crazy and wanted to die.
Yeah, by that time I had calmed down enough to think, "If he wants to die, I can kill him!"
He took my information, thankfully not asking for my insurance verification form, which then was at home, now is in the car. He asked me if I needed the EMT's. I told him no, and he let me go.

Friday Bubba Blogging

First, I need to talk about my dawg, Bubba, the basset hound. Yeah, I know, I need to put in pictures, but, one, I'm Ms. Not Together, and, two, I don't have a digital camera. Once I get a camera, and figure out how to use it, you'll see Bubba, et al.
A few days ago, it had to be Tuesday or Wednesday, because it was after the storm in the morning, I put Bubba on the Bungee-Puppee (a bungie cord leash you can get at academy - I'd link, but one, I'm Ms. Not Together, and two, I usually do this at work, and shopping is blocked), to go out on the morning potty walk with the entourage: Rogue the dachshund, and one or more cats. All of a sudden Rogue is running up the driveway like a little black-and-tan rocket, hair on her neck standing up, barking her head off. Bubba starts yanking me, pulling with all his might, up the drive way. There's a beagle wandering around. Let me tell ya, Bubba can pull! "Arrooo, Arrooo!!"
Up the driveway onto the road, I'm yelling at Rogue, who thinks she's meaner than snot. Bubba's still hallooing and yanking me along. The beagle runs first to the corner, then down the Cul-de-Sac. I get Rogue to stop, and finally dig in to stop Bubba. Bubba's barking turns into a morose howl, somewhere along the lines of, "Come back, Shane!"
I'm thinking...female beagle.
OK, after work, I go to Grandma's house to pick up Bubba and Heidi, there during the day with their Daddy. Since my son was at work, the house was pitch black. I think both Heidi and Bubba are with me, along with one or more cats. Once I get a light on, I notice it's only Heidi and cats. I flip on the porch light and yell for Bubba (and yell, and yell, and yell). Nothing. I'm thinking he's still nearby, because it hasn't been long, he's just being stubborn and not listening. I go get the spotlight and find him sniffing around next door. BUSTED!
I guess I need to say now, I live in a decreipit mobile home. It must have been in a flood in a previous incarnation, because now the floors are rotting. We did refloor the bathroom with plywood, but being the family Not Together, there's a hole that goes under the door. The cats use it.
Ok, so now I'm relaxing, waiting for the boy to call from work. He calls, and I don't see Bubba. He's not behind the recliner or on the futon. He's not asleep on our bed, or on the bedroom floor. Yes, he went out of the hole in the bathroom floor. Out comes the spotlight again. Again I'm yelling my head off. Again it takes a bit for him to acknowledge. I'm highly pissed.
He's a horn dog.
One day soon, he's going to say "Hello" to the vet, and "goodbye" to his nuts.

Progress Report #2

My Mother-in-Law is now back home. The Hubby is going to stay with her for a few days.

I know what you're thinking: *AWWWW* He is such a good son!
Damn straight he is!

He had some difficulties getting gas and prescriptions filled, because of last nights storms knocking out power (etc).


In other news, I took the son to the Doctor (the very cute Jesse Ray). He weighs 106 lbs, his blood pressure is 110/60, and, oh yeah, HE'S DEPRESSED!!!! The doctor decided, with school, job, the future, and his clingy-ass Dad, he has ISSUES (well, DUH). He gave him a few weeks worth of samples of Lexapro (and let me tell you, Lexapro is some good shit! Works like a charm for me - just isn't on the formulary).
I wasn't going to wait for something drastic to happen, being a depressive, I 'm going to nip it in the bud. I am relieved.

Progress Report

My Mother-in-Law may go home tomorrow. Is off the Digoxin, which made her throw up. And, no longer needs an anti-nausea medicine. They gave her Finergan yesterday (my husband takes the generic version), scared the Hubby to death! It made her act drunk, was halucinating - weird stuff!
The Hubby also said her atrial fibrillation looks like it's changing to sinus rythym on it's own.
Good days.

Oh, and happy birthday to my niece!!!

*SIGH*

Today, I do wish somebody would read this. I need advice.
Everybody knows I've been depressed roughly half my life, so you would think I could recognize it in my own son. His personality is alot like mine. I think he's depressed, but he won't talk to me. I ask if he's depressed, or angry and all I get is "no."
Geez, I know he's upset because he's failed the driving test twice. But he know's how to pass! The Tester told him! I told him! The Hubby told him!
I just want to know what's going on! He's quieter than usual.
I know about teenage depression. I was depressed from Third Grade (prerequisite traumatic event) until around 20. I didn't tell my parents crap! I didn't want to upset them. I already knew I was the defective one.
I. know. Depression.
Why won't he talk to me?
I feel like such a failure.

2nd Strike

Yes, my son, again, did not pass the driving test.

Look...

Left,

Right,

and then left again.

And, when passing, or changing lanes, always...
turn
your
head

and look

in your

blind spots.

You know, I didn't even feel the need to drive until I was close to 20. He's a good kid. He's a smart kid. And if we lived in a place with good public transit, I wouldn't even care if he never drove.

Well, third time's the charm.

So they say.

Hell, I don't care how many times it takes, he'll pass eventually. I worry more about his self-esteem (or lack, thereof).

Chest Tube Removed!

She's feelin' great!

Chest tube still not removed. Still has some Atrial Fibrilation. Was told the doctor said may have to shock her heart back into sinus rythym. Yikes! She looks great! She seems to be improving every day. What's going on?

As for me, broken record time, I'm still depressed. I just can't blame PMS or my period for it now. Zoloft bites. Formularies bite. Lexapro works, but I'd have to pay full price for it. So I'm stuck with either things that don't work (Zoloft, Effexor, generic Prozac), or that work but have side effects - well one particular one (Paxil).

You know, I don't mind being Not Together. I don't see that as a bad thing. I just wish...

I was thinner.

I was prettier. (prettier?! Geez, I just wish I was pretty!)

I was smarter.

I was more successful.

I had a better handle on who I am.

I, at least, tolerated housework.

I wasn't such a schlub.

I also wish people would read this blog. I don't really know why anybody would, though. I'm not really witty, or wise. This blog is my cheap attempt to spill my guts, before I implode (I don't explode).

I'm here! I'm here! I'm just a little down (as usual), and I don't have a lot to say.

My Mother-in-Law is supposed to be moved out of ICU today, and have the 2nd chest tube (that was draining her left lung) removed. She's expecting to go home Thursday.

Haven't gotten my son retested yet, have practiced a little, but not alot.

*SIGH*

Had a glorious two days of email access at work, but now it's gone. Blocked by the Powers that Be. And, while I know this is mostly me being a sore loser, I swear blocking almost everything under the sun is WHY THE DAMN COMPUTER IS SOOOO SLOW!!! We had two tech guys here the past couple of days, trying to figure out why our system is so slow. Hmmm, at the same time, less was blocked. Now they're gone, everything is blocked again, and sssssllllllloooooowwwww.
I guess I can't really complain, well, except how it actually does affect my work.

My Mother-in-Law is getting better and better every day! My husband is spending most of the day at the hospital.
My son is spending the weekend at his Dad's. Yes, he usually works the weekend. He requested the days off a while ago and didn't tell either me or my Hubby. I'm not sure if it's forgetfulness, or willful. The Hubby is pissed.

*SIGH*

I'm down, as usual. As the moon waxes toward full, so does my PMS. Which makes my depression worse. But lately, I just haven't been able to sustain normality (much less be happy). I'm pretty worthless. I seem to always make stupid mistakes. I am Ms. Not Together, but lately it seems like I've become Ms. Completely Incompetent.

Sigh of Relief

My Mother-in-Law is out of trouble.  The valve didn't have to be replaced, they had to put a ring under it and reattach it to the heart wall.  Lot of pain  -  long recovery, but out of the woods.
And I am tired.  Me and the Hubby stayed at the hospital last night.  Not real comfortable.

A Not Together Day

Yes, the dog alarm went off at 5AM as usual, so I may have been napping in the recliner, but I was technically up.  My son's alarm went of first at 6AM, then at 6:15AM, and at about 6:25 I woke him up so we to go to the Edmond, OK DMV to take the driving test.  It takes him forever to get ready, but my dad was that way, too. 
When we get to the DMV, My boy was, like, 77 on the list.  That's at freaking 7:30AM! 
I learned they had been lining up since 5AM.  Anyway, we're in a line, not sure for what, for another 2 1/2 hours.  We learn that's the line to make the appointment for the actual test.  Damn.  The clerk asked me what time I preferred.  I said, "Now?!" 
He laughed, showed me the days list and said, "I'm sorry, all these people are ahead of you."  The earliest we could get was 2:15PM.  Now I have to be at work at 12:30PM, the Boy was scheduled at 2PM.  The Hubby is stressing over his mother, and has too (too, too, too, too) much on his mind.  First my son calls his work to see if they would let him come in a little late (he swore they wouldn't), and he explained what it was for and they said yes.  (Then his Dad calls and acts like an ass, but that's not news - and it's another post)
Calling my work is a little stickier.  I can't just ask for the day off,  while I may not be hanging by a thread, I just can't call in.  But I have to do something.  So I call in to our Workforce Department to see if I can get what's called "Low Call" until 4PM.  That's when the volume of calls in are low enough to let people go early (or in my case, come in late) without pay.  They said no, so I spoke to my direct supervisor, who at first referred me back to Workforce, I told her I did that, then she spoke to her supervisor.  She gave me Low Call until 3:30PM.
We spent more time getting to the DMV, than the test took.

**SIGH**

Right turn on red AFTER STOP!
We get to try again next week. 

A New Week

I did remember to take my pill today (but forgot yesterday).
I sent a little egreetings to some friends about this blog.  I'm kind of out there now.  Yeah, little scary.
Hopefully, my son will take his driving test tomorrow morning (those slots fill up quick).  And hopefully, he will pass and be a fully liscensed driver (and I don't have to stay up 'til midnight to pick him up at work).  The Hubby thinks we'll need to leave the house around 7:00AM, I'm thinking more around 6:30AM.  If it's first come, first served, I want to be first.
And everything comes to a standstill on Wednesday.  My Mother-in-Law has open-heart surgery to replace her nonfunctioning mitral valve (she's getting plastic).  She has to be at the hospital at 5:30AM.  Some of the info she received said she'd be getting ready for 4/5 hours.  People have these things all the time.  She'll be ok.  Well, for the Hubby's sake, she needs to be ok.
And speaking of the Hubby,  he's pretty much reached the limit of what he can take.  Worrying about my son.  Worrying about his mother.  Worrying about his low-life brother.  Worrying about his own body's decline.  I think, for what it's worth, his increase in pain is because of all the stress he's under.  If he could just chill, I think his pain would lessen.
Right now, I'm not thinking beyond Wednesday.  After Wednesday, I'll start thinking again.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

 

UPDATE:  I think I have it now.  It just takes me a while.

Yes, I Have

Added Haloscan comments

Yes, I know they're in there twice.

I am Ms. Not Together!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Remember I Said I Could Handle My Depression?

I lied.  I crashed big this morning.  I've recovered some, I don't want to kill myself because I forgot to pay the electric bill (I paid it over the phone).  I could still spew self-hatred for, like, hours on end.  Yeah.  Way interesting stuff.

I got my Zoloft refilled today.  So, If I can remember to take the silly things, I'll be ok.  It doesn't get completely rid of it, but I get to a point where I can function.  I'm not there today.

I'm tired.  I just want to sleep.

Yet Another...

Call Center.  Yeah, I'm happy about the new jobs.  But, jeez, doesn't it seem like we're painting ourselves into a corner?  Let's see,  there's Hertz, Southwest, Cingular, AT&T Wirless (for now), Dobson Communications (for now), Cendant Travel, Convergys (DirecTV - who I wouldn't work for for any amount of money - when the tornado went thru Moore, May 2003, they made them stay on the phone - a tornado is half a mile away!) ,  AOL, the Hartford, Farmers, Williams-Sonoma, it just seems to go on and on and on.  You're not going to make $35,000 a year (or more)  at any call center.  They give you sick leave, and then penalize you for using it.  No, not every call is recorded.  Certain calls are for monitoring - making sure you're saying everything you're supposed to say - making sure you're treating the customers well.  And your immediate supervisor may or may not have been on the phone (and if not, that means  they're telling you how to do your job, when they've never done it themselves).  You may be slammed.  You may be sitting on your ass for 8 hours. 

Don't we as Oklahomans deserve better?

Creepy Deluxe!

Ick.

Just ick.

I was cruising the news, I may be at work, but I like to keep myself apprised.  I found this article about Lassiter Drug. 

-snip-

"They can get an original refill, but after that they have to go mail-order, and that's hurting our economy more than (the chain pharmacies)," he said, claiming the insurance companies have caused the problem. Lassiter cited a study that several years ago alleged mail-order is more expensive to health care providers than local pharmacies, whether it's a chain or independent.
"There's more wastage – it's 30 percent," he said. "People get a three- or six-month supply today and go to the doctor tomorrow and he changes the medicine, so that's all down the drain."

-snip-

 

Yes!!  I feel vindicated!  Of course my prescription coverage says I don't have to do the insane mail order thing, I can pay more instead.  So I do.  I kind of wish I lived closer to Del City now, Guthrie's about 45 miles away.  So, show Lassiter Drug some love.  They deserve it.

 

 

The Heart Beat

Yeah, I know!  When I don't feel like writing is when I need to write the most!  And I have forgotten to take my pill for a couple of days (or so).  The Zoloft may be working better than I think it does.
My Mother-in-Law went to her cardiologist today.  She has Mitral Valve Prolapse, if you haven't gone to the link, it's the valve between the left atrium and left ventricle, which has caused Mitral Valve Regurgitation.  She had an arteriogram about a week and a half ago.  It showed that instead of being just leaky, it's stuck open.  She's going to have to have the valve replaced.  Here's a presentation I found about the surgery.
This is kind of knocking the Hubby for a loop.  I think the extra stress is wreaking havoc with his arthritis (it is an autoimmune disorder).  I think I've gone into it before, but he has Ankylosing Sondylitis, a form of arthritis that affects the spine, etc.  All of a sudden, everything hurts more than usual - spine, shoulders, knees - with no relief.    There are other things going on at the same time, family things.  Things that have been going on since the dawn of time.  Things that he just needs to let go because nothing's going to change, and worrying  doesn't help.

My Opinion Is

Ok, Looking through different sites to see if there was any OK news worth commenting on (and, goddamn, we have no news), and then I see this on KFOR.COM. 
 
James Nichols, you're a lying sack of shit!  You can't tell me you had nothing to do with the Murrah bombing. You're involved up to your eyeballs.  You were just smart enough to not have any evidence traceable back to you. 
 
Hopefully, justice will be served, and your frivolous lawsuit will be thrown out.  That and maybe now your (not as smart) brother will start singing.

Irony

A depressed person (me) having to be a cheerleader for another depressed person(the hubby).  My depression I can deal with.  My hubby's knocks me for a loop.
 
The best thing I could say, "I need you! What would I do without you?"
"You would probably die!"
"That's right!  Don't you forget it!"

I think that made him feel a little better.

God Love Him

The good General, I mean.  A true patriot.    As an Oklahoman, I salute you.

 
 
For background, let me refer you to this.  Coburn has new ads now, putting him at the right hand of God, spouting everything a good Borg, uh, Republican should say.  
More views of the Oklahoma Senate horserace, Humphreys is gunning for my man, Brad Carson, Anthony is gunning for Humphreys, and both Anthony and Humphreys are giving the cold shoulder to Coburn, like he didn't even exist. *SHIVER*
Brad, may I call you Brad, is staying above the fray,  has two fantastic, positive ads (a la Brad Henry) which you can see here and here. 

3:25 AM

That's when the dog alarm went off this morning. And what did he do? Did he really need to walk or potty? NO! He had to eat grass and leaves, then vomit. That couldn't have waited until 5:00 AM?!

Needless to say, I went back to bed.

And yes he did wake me up at 5:00 AM. He's pretty regular.

It Just Started Out Bad...

And then didn't get better.

5:00 AM: The dog alarm goes off. What is the dog alarm? That's when our Basset Hound, Bubba, decided he needed to go potty. He usually goes off at 5:00, but sometimes at 4:00. I walk him and the entourage: Rogue the Dachshund, Heidi the Shepard Mix, Whiskers and Midnight the cats. He potties and we come back in and I fall asleep on the recliner for two hours or so. That's how it's supposed to go. I get Bubba outside, first I notice the neighbor's dogs are barking (but that's not actually news), then it was like a ghost, a tall, white dog running back to our back yard - Cheyenne the wolf hybrid was loose. Luckily, she comes when you call. I put her in the house and wait for my husband to wake up. I tried to sleep, but no, Cheyenne was too hyper, like a two-year-old child. And Bubba became Humpy.
So, from 5:00AM to 7:30AM it was, ""No, Cheyenne!" or "Get off, Bubba!"
At 7:30, I openned our bedroom door and Cheyenne and Bubba ran in and jumped on their Daddy.
Sweet relief, since they both love their Daddy! Cheyenne was put back and fed in the backyard. I made breakfast. Then we watched Once Upon A Time In Mexico (Oh my God, Antonio Banderas!). 11:00AM rolls around, hubby goes to mow, I'm relaxing on the futon, since I have to leave for work at 11:30(which gives me a 10 to 15 minute window when I get there). The next thing I know, Midnight the cat is happily purring away, laying on my neck. It's 11:40. I grab lunch and go. From Guthrie to Moore is about 43 miles, but I35 all the way. I notice a shimmy at higher speeds. I slow down, but it doesn't help. The car feels like it's skating. Passing Edmond, I hear a CLUNK coming from the back end. Car noise is louder than normal. I turn up the radio, but I'm at the freakout point as it is. The shimmy is getting worse. Let me say this - I HATE CAR TROUBLE! I hear more clunks around SE66th, and I pull over. No tires flat, nothing looks wrong, I get back in and start praying I can make it to work. I get into Moore, just north of the Shields overpass, and I hear CLUNK, FLAP, FLAP, FLAP. Yay. It's 12:26, my shift starts at 12:30. I pull over, I discover, that while all my tires do have air in them, the passenger side rear no longer has tread.
Now, I can change a tire. The only problem I have is loosening the lug nuts (damn impact wrenches!). I can't the the lugs loosened. Now I'm crying. I call my work, tell them I'll be late. I call my husband, basically to cry, because he's 40 miles away, and unable to help. Thankfully, a semi-truck driver,with Swift, stopped and changed my tire. Thank you, Swift Driver!!
I spent my lunch, plus an extra hour and 15 minutes, a total of an hour and 45 minutes, at Wal-Mart buying two tires. So I can not drive home on a temporary tire.
God, I'm tired.

UPDATE: The tires I bought are crap. I was supposed to buy some other brand. And why didn't I buy just one tire, these other tires are still good. Hubby: Do I have to do everything? Me: Tire-wise, Yes!
**SIGH**

Can Nobody Help Me?

I've been using this blog as a way to spew. As a person who's normally shy, introverted (and no, that's not necessarily an oxymoron), and depressed (how many years now?), it's cheap therapy. And although I could, I'm not going to rant again about my health insurance, copays, my ignorant prescription coverage, it serves no purpose. At least I have health insurance, for now.
I am a complete newbie. I just started reading blogs this year. I have my regulars, Eric Alterman, Kevin Drum (OT - why are there so many bloggers named Kevin?), Atrios, not to mention my boys at Pandagon. I can't help but think that is so cool. It's why I started this.

Depressed Me says: I get so frustrated, though. I'm not nearly in their league, why am I trying? Who am I trying to kid? Just who do you think you are? This is worthless crap. (please, somebody stop me!)

Not Depressed Me says: This is fantastic! I can say anything I want. People from everywhere can read it, or not, that doesn't matter. You know I need to read up on web design and html, I can make this the best damn site nobody reads!

And then I have this genetic hatred of being ignored, I've had it all my life (and yes, I realize the irony of being shy and hating to be ignored).
I don't know what I'm trying to say, this post. My mind is a jumbled mess. But then, I am Ms. Not Together.

I'm Psyched!

Kerry-Edwards!! Freakin' fantastic!!!

I almost voted for Edwards in the Primary. You know his "Two Americas" really spoke to me, but I thought he was too nice and the Republican machine would eat him up. I voted for Dean.

But I should have remembered our last Governors election. Steve Largent deigned to descend from heaven (Washington DC), to accept the mantle of governorship. His campaign was considered a juggernaut, unbeatable. The main opponent, former Republican, restauranteur Vince Orza. Then out of left field (well, more like center), comes Brad Henry. His first ads were just basic introductions, himself (then a state representative from Shawnee), his wife (a teacher in Shawnee), and his 3 girls. You came away thinking, "What a nice guy. Largent would tear him to pieces."
So, sorry Brad, I voted for Orza in the primary, even though I liked Henry, because I wanted someone winnable. Brad Henry won the primary and went on to win the election because he's a nice guy, and Largent showed himself to be the nasty, self-absorbed prick that he is.

I guess that's what the difference is in this election. Since the government is supposed to be "...of the people, by the people and for the people..." it ends up being a reflection of all us. What are we showing now? What do we want to show?
I want my government to be about the best of all of us, strength, compassion, tolerance, hope, optimism, resolve.

And on the Other Hand...

Here's the site for the guy I'm actually going to vote for, Brad Carson. He's still a little too conservative for my blood, but, hey, I'm a blue blue person in a red state, I'll settle.

So, why am I so big on Bob Anthony? Well, he's the least objectionable of the three. Kirk Humphreys is just plain repellant. Coburn has that hilarious commercial that was produced by Growth for America, and whereever the hell they're from - it's not Oklahoma.

Actually, I thought that Bob rode the regulated corporation a little hard.

So, I'm sorry Bob. I'm an unrepentant LIBERAL Democrat, you'd have to do a lot of convincing to get me.

Hey, Brad, Call me!

Givin a Shout Out!

To my man, Bob Anthony! Sink those teeth into Kirk Humphreys!

Can Somebody Tell Me...

Why the hell this suprises people?!
Jesus Christ! I deal with this every day! I end up feeling guilty for being depressed, because it just means $20 lost going to the doctor, and $10 on up for the prescription, which may or may not work. God forbid my doctor recommends a therapist (another at least $20 a pop). And that's just me. My husband has Ankylosing Spondylitis, a form of arthritis that causes bone to grow and fuse the spine together (but, no, he doesn't have the associated gene: HLA/B27). Right now he has 5 different prescriptions, starting at $10. He's on disability, so if there's a medical bill (copay, whatever) that I can't pay upfront, yeah, there's a good possibility it's going to be put off.

It's a Woman Thing?

I'm having one of those sad and inadequate days. Yes, I did forget to take my antidepressants today. And yes, I maybe in the throes of PMS (one gripe, I'm not going to have anymore children, why am I still having a freakin' period?! Periods suck).
The more I think about it, the more I think it is PMS, because lately I've actually been, if not happy, then also not sad. Depression is basically the one PMS symptom I have that's still reliable. I don't have the zit on my chin anymore. My breasts aren't reliably sore anymore. Cramps are only after I start to flow. Bloating, I don't notice, I'm fat all the time. And I don't really have the undying hunger that I used to.
I am kind of worried that when the meno does pause, will I be depressed all the time (hah! Like I'm not now!)? With no antidepressants that work reliably (or that I can afford)?
Note to the odd person who reads this: I can't take Welbutrin - I have a history of seizures.
I also feel kinda funny about asking my young, male (cute) doctor about menopause, perimenopause, and everything related. Yeah, I know, it's mostly a head thing, he's a really good (cute) doctor.

I wish I could talk to Mama.

Can't Believe My Eyes!

I was looking at Pandagon today (sorry, I'm new at this and don't know how to link. Also I usually do this at work, and the Help is blocked but posting to my blog isn't - go figure), laughing at The Club for Growth's completely inane add supposedly for W (it just doesn't play that way). Anyway, I'm at their site and the second add is...

Tom Coburn's Baby add!
You know the one says he's delivered all these babies, he's SINGLEHANDEDLY got some legislation or so (I pay so much attention) passed.
Yeah, singlehandedly! That's a riot!
Geez, the thing that really stinks, (although I know it's pretty much a given anymore) is here is an out of state, completely outsider group shilling for Coburn.
What?! Are Anthony and Humphreys not republican enough? Hell, Humphreys (I'm sorry, can't stand him) has all our in state republicans shilling for him. I still say, if you're Republican, there is only one choice - Bob Anthony. As Corporation Commissioner he's been a pretty good watch dog. He actually has done more for Oklahomans than Coburn or Humphreys.


UPDATE I finally paid more attention to that commercial, well, than I usually do. They claim he singlehandedly saved $1 billion in wasted! Sounds like a goddamn superhero to me!
PS I think I've figured that link thing. We'll see.

Dear Mama,

I know it's been awhile since I've wrote. I don't really have much of an excuse, life just kinda gets in the way.
I'm having one of those "I really need to talk to you" days. I can't seem to shake off this depression. I'm not dreadfully unhappy, and certianly not suicidal (right now), I'm, well, in Purgatory. I am on Zoloft, but it's not working real well. I'm sure you've heard my rants on my health insurance. I don't want to be this way forever, but everything costs so much. And I still have to think about RW. I know, I know, I have to think of myself. Yes, I remember Grandmother taking care of not one, but two elderly relatives, who outlived her. But, he's not getting better, Mama, although he might be getting worse at a slower pace than before. That maybe my wishful thinking. His arthritis (ankylosing spondylitis, DISH, whatever) pretty much covers his entire skeleton. So shoot me, I worry.
I don't worry about JW, though! Can you believe he's a Senior now?! I'm not sure he'll make it to the 5'7" I always told him he'll be, but he is taller than me (barely). And very handsome. Yeah, still shy. He's working at Braum's now. Soon we'll get Daddy's van for him. It's big, it's old, but that's just too damn bad, it's free. RW might be getting him interested in the Navy. I can see his point. He doesn't really know what he wants to do, or where he wants to do it (aside from out of Oklahoma). It would give him structure and a guaranteed, pretty good paying job. I'm pretty out of the loop on this. I want him to go to college. It can be the Naval Academy, it can be ROTC at a regular college. Like I said, I'm out of the loop, and it's driving me crazy.
JW's quit band, but is on the yearbook staff, and is Vice-President of the Senior class. He'll be taking AP English, Honors Calculus, Honors Physics, Yearbook staff is one of the classes, and I forget the others. The band director tried to get him to stay, but Jw said he wanted to have time to do other things. This is the person you'd swear was glued to the couch, his Gameboy fused to his hands. I think he wants to enjoy his Senior year.
He maybe joining the Navy, I don't have enough info now, though. RW says they're pretty taken with JW. If it's what he wants, I'm all for it, but I need to learn more.
My life is pretty boring. It's mostly between home and work. I work in Moore and live in Guthrie, it's time consuming. It gets old. I'm getting weird signals at work. They say they're not closing the center, but the underlying vibe says something different. If not closing altogether, then a big shakeup. That scares the crap out of me. I hate looking for a job. I still wish I hadn't of screwed myself out of Hertz. Yeah, I know, I hated Hertz. I wish I could make a living at this blog. You always thought I should be a writer. I know it's little more than an online diary (or therapy), but I'm published for everyone to see (or not)! You would be so proud! But then, you're proud of me already.
I love you, Mama.
I miss you.


I have to put a little addendum here. My mother died in February 1999. The year was hard, my grief unending, my depression deepening. On Thanksgiving, well it was bad. My husband, RW, said "Why don't you go outside and talk to your Mom?"
Well, I'm not a talker. So I started writing letters. I write when I need to talk to my Mom.

Stream of (Semi-)Consciousness

I've been thinking (and yes, it is hard work). I think I need to throw a party. I know what you're thinking, "But you're Ms. Not Together, how does a not together person throw a party?"
Yeah, that's crossed my mind, too. It gets worse. Outside of the blogiverse, I'm very shy, very introverted. Suppose I actually (which is kind of unlikely, since thinking and doing are two different things), throw said party, would I actually talk to people? But, if I'm inviting the people I know, the people I'm comfortable with, theoretically, I could talk my ass off (which would be a good thing, you should see my ass).
Ok, here's what I see: I would have it at my mother-in-law's house. That's because I live in a crappy mobile home in Meth-Lab Estates. Put citronella candles around the yard, maybe a string or two of lights in the big elm tree in the back. Randy would cook (certainly not me!).
Good music, good drink, good food, good friends.

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Antidepressants!

I just need to go to parties and get drunk!
A co-worker had a party on Saturday, a bunch of us from work, and a few of his friends. Since I did bring my husband, I was able to drink.
And I did.
A rum punch (plastic Coca-Cola glass)- too much rum, not enough punch.
A Bacardi raspberry thing (basically flavored beer) - really good.
A shot of whiskey. - ehh, not a whiskey person (my mother made cough syrup out of it.)
A shot of tequila. I still say tequila would be good in a Sonic Cherry Limeade, but Sherri swears vodka (I've never drank vodka). Oh, the Sonic Sunrise (which is a Cherry Limeade made with orange juice), too.
Another shot of tequila (because Kory didn't see me do the first one).
and half of a margarita (in my same Coca-Cola glass).
I laughed, I talked, I had a damn good time! I didn't have a sad or worthless thought all weekend!
And it was worth being nauseous all the next day!

Zionists, Riiiight!

So, Saudi Arabia says Al Qaida is in league with "Zionists". I guess that's as believeable as Saddam/Al Qaida/911 connections.

Customer Service Bites

And I'm the CS Rep! I really, really HATE Ch*******ets!! I also hate people who say, "well, aren't you my travel agent?!"
Well, aren't you the person who doesn't look at their itinerary until the day before travel, only to discover some "mistake" we made?
Or maybe you're the person who can't read a car rental agreement to save your life (the rate we give is after discounts, but not including any fees or taxes). And, no, god damn it, we can't confirm a specific make of car! And if you don't have a major credit card with your name on it, most likely you're not getting a car. And, yes, we did tell you that, you chose not to listen.
People, be proactive. Don't trust us. Double check everything we do. We're human, we can make mistakes. The quicker you catch a mistake, the easier (and cheaper) it is to fix.
Oh, and when you need to call customer service, drop the 'tude. If you have a 'tude, we get a 'tude. Besides, you're getting to travel, I don't have that luxury, so shut up!

I'm Trying

Okay, I'm back. Well, trying to get back. This depression is really kicking my ass. Not to mention, my crappy prescription coverage at work. And that I hate to go to the doctor. I hate to spend money on myself. Compared to my husbands health problems, my puny depression isn't shit. AAAAnd I don't a real good opinion of myself.
Now here I am spouting off in my cheap (re: free) form of psychotherapy. I've said it before, right now I want to be sitting in front of the tv, my mind numb.

I'm Just A Little Down

Pretty much same ol', same ol'. I'd like to be happy. At least, not unhappy. It is so hard to write when I feel this way. God! I hate this! Is this the rest of my life?!
I've asked this time and again, Why is it that my head was screwed on the tighted, I was happy, I was positive, during my first (abusive) marriage? Are the one or two people who've read this out there? Can you tell me?

Bubba Dumb!

Well, that's what my son says when he's petting our basset hound, Bubba. I would always protest. Bubba's not dumb, I would say. But I'm not so sure.
When I was walking him (and our entourage: Whiskers & Midnight the cats, and Rogue the dachshund) this morning, he got scared of a rock. Yes, a rock! A red sandstone rock about the size of a high-top sneaker. We come almost up to it, he stops, "WOOOOOOF!"
I kick it over with my foot and say, "Bubba, it's only a rock!" As I kicked it over he jumped back, then, very slowly, very carefully, got closer to it, and sniffed it.
Bubba is the sweetest dog, but maybe "Bubba Dumb."

Bob Anthony

I just noticed he's running for senate, too. At least you know he's someone who hasn't just bent over for big business. As corporation commissioner, he's made sure our utilies have been fair to us. That's way more than I can say of Humpreys.

New Kirk Humphreys Ad

Again, he acts like he's anointed by God, sent directly from heaven to Oklahoma. Hopefully that'll work as well for him as it did for Steve Largent (Who? HA HA HA HA HA!)
Again he spouts off about all he's done for OKC. Excuse me?! He didn't do SQUAT! MAPS & MAPS For Kids were Ron Norick's babies. All Humphreys did was shove Bass Pro down our throats! And now THEY'RE building an equal-sized store in Broken Arrow, and Broken Arrow isn't paying a dime. 13 million in taxpayer money for a store that was supposed to be exclusive. Assurances that the city was going to make that up in sales tax and more. Didn't matter that it was a huge slap in the face to the sporting goods/hunting/boating stores (Academy, Great Outdoors, etc.) already here. They didn't get anything at the city trough. I'm sure they'd have built in Bricktown if the city had paid them to do it.

OT - Why is it good for the country for rich people and big giant corporations to get thrown money and crap from the government, but people in need - it's bad? Just Curious.

One thing I DO have to thank Kirk Humphreys for, if I wanted to go to Bricktown I don't have to pay for parking - I can just park at Bass Pro!

In Memoram

Ronald Reagan has died. Of course, he'd had alzheimers for God knows how long, so actually death was a relief.
I really have no positive feelings, memories of the man. He wasn't 1/10th the man my dad was!
My dad, William Jesse McAbee, born in Clinton, OK, January 3rd(or 4th), 1919. Loved swing music. He told me he wanted a Zoot Suit when he was in high school (when I was a kid, his high school was a junior high, but I haven't been back in 20 years), but his mother said no.
His mother, Lib, was the original SuperMom, divorced, raised 2 kids, worked so long for the City of Clinton, when she died, the city declared a holiday. Had a spotless (sterile) house, and cared for everyone but herself.
Daddy was the first to go to college, Southwestern State in Weatherford. He learned to fly. He was in the Army Air Corps, later the Air Force. He told me he was at a movie in San Antonio on Pearl Harbor Day, and was called back to base. He fixed airplanes in the South Pacific in WWII, and then at Tinker AFB until he retired (bleeding ulsers and hemophilia don't really go together). I can't tell you much about his first marriage, except it was short and childless.
When I was little, I had Mama retell how she and Daddy met all the time. It's a great story. Even if it is only one paragraph.
Me: Mama how did you meet Daddy?
Mama: Well, your Uncle David worked at Tinker then. One day he came home and said, "I've met the Man for you!" He kept pestering me and pestering me until I just gave up and agreed to go out with him. Darned if he wasn't right!
Me: (grins)
And no, Mama wasn't as good as Grandmother at keeping house, but as I understand it, she kinda lost her temper, and asked him if he liked living in a sterile house. He had to admit, no, he didn't actually like a house so spotless as to be sterile (I know Grandmother's house was hell for me- you know, the one dirt jumps on). And while this was Mama's first and only marriage, that doesn't mean she didn't have baggage. Mama's family. You know there is not one picture, in Mama's wedding album, of Grandma (Mama's Grandmother) smiling. Mama said Grandma was afraid she wasn't going to be taken care of anymore. Daddy got a lifelong partner, Mama got the man of her dreams, Mama's family got the responsible man who may have wanted to run far away, but didn't.
I had a fantastic Daddy. Not perfect. Not touchy-feely. But fantastic - a real renaissance man. He was into radio-controlled models, first airplanes, then boats. He painted beautiful landscapes as a kid. He could build. He was okay at fixing cars, but usually took it to a mechanic.
Late in life, Daddy told me he regretted not hugging us enough.
Oh, Daddy!!

I'm Going Insane!

I'm bored. I'm depressed. I want to go home. And it's only Thursday. Make me wish I had Friday and Saturday off again. I want to sit in my chair and watch tv. period.
I read my regular blogs: Atrios, Kevin Drum, Kos, Pandagon, etc. I end up thinking, "I'm not worthy to even read the comments, much less make one."
They're so smart! I'm so...not.

Hey, I have learned, the characters that run around in my head, are plausible!! The stories in my head may not be good (but I like them), but they are actually realistic. Maybe, one day, I get them out of my head.

Happy Anniversary!

To me and Randy! 10 years today! And I actually remembered! Well, sort of. Yesterday, I realized it was June and our anniversary was soon. So, I whipped out the ol' marriage liscense (yes, it's been in a succession of purses for 10 years) to verify the date. TODAY!!

I Should've Worked

I had Monday off. Too bad I spent the day crying. I mean, I CRASHED!! I know I've gone off before how I don't think Zoloft is completely working, but I think yesterday was PMS. Today, I've leveled off, while I'm not happy, I'm not unduly sad, either. So, that's why I was thinking I should've worked. At least then I'd have a reason to be cranky.

Randy spent the weekend fishing. And he wondered why I didn't.