Dear Mama,

I know it's been awhile since I've wrote. I don't really have much of an excuse, life just kinda gets in the way.
I'm having one of those "I really need to talk to you" days. I can't seem to shake off this depression. I'm not dreadfully unhappy, and certianly not suicidal (right now), I'm, well, in Purgatory. I am on Zoloft, but it's not working real well. I'm sure you've heard my rants on my health insurance. I don't want to be this way forever, but everything costs so much. And I still have to think about RW. I know, I know, I have to think of myself. Yes, I remember Grandmother taking care of not one, but two elderly relatives, who outlived her. But, he's not getting better, Mama, although he might be getting worse at a slower pace than before. That maybe my wishful thinking. His arthritis (ankylosing spondylitis, DISH, whatever) pretty much covers his entire skeleton. So shoot me, I worry.
I don't worry about JW, though! Can you believe he's a Senior now?! I'm not sure he'll make it to the 5'7" I always told him he'll be, but he is taller than me (barely). And very handsome. Yeah, still shy. He's working at Braum's now. Soon we'll get Daddy's van for him. It's big, it's old, but that's just too damn bad, it's free. RW might be getting him interested in the Navy. I can see his point. He doesn't really know what he wants to do, or where he wants to do it (aside from out of Oklahoma). It would give him structure and a guaranteed, pretty good paying job. I'm pretty out of the loop on this. I want him to go to college. It can be the Naval Academy, it can be ROTC at a regular college. Like I said, I'm out of the loop, and it's driving me crazy.
JW's quit band, but is on the yearbook staff, and is Vice-President of the Senior class. He'll be taking AP English, Honors Calculus, Honors Physics, Yearbook staff is one of the classes, and I forget the others. The band director tried to get him to stay, but Jw said he wanted to have time to do other things. This is the person you'd swear was glued to the couch, his Gameboy fused to his hands. I think he wants to enjoy his Senior year.
He maybe joining the Navy, I don't have enough info now, though. RW says they're pretty taken with JW. If it's what he wants, I'm all for it, but I need to learn more.
My life is pretty boring. It's mostly between home and work. I work in Moore and live in Guthrie, it's time consuming. It gets old. I'm getting weird signals at work. They say they're not closing the center, but the underlying vibe says something different. If not closing altogether, then a big shakeup. That scares the crap out of me. I hate looking for a job. I still wish I hadn't of screwed myself out of Hertz. Yeah, I know, I hated Hertz. I wish I could make a living at this blog. You always thought I should be a writer. I know it's little more than an online diary (or therapy), but I'm published for everyone to see (or not)! You would be so proud! But then, you're proud of me already.
I love you, Mama.
I miss you.


I have to put a little addendum here. My mother died in February 1999. The year was hard, my grief unending, my depression deepening. On Thanksgiving, well it was bad. My husband, RW, said "Why don't you go outside and talk to your Mom?"
Well, I'm not a talker. So I started writing letters. I write when I need to talk to my Mom.