SCREAM!! And Scream Again

My stepson got fired today from the Cingular job he's had for a few years. This sent Randy down the pipes, since he had phone service on his son's employee plan. Then, of course, he goes over EVERY concievable wrong EVER in his life. God is against him... He ought to die....

He needs to be in the hospital. And NOT because of his bones! I'm tired of it. It's not my fault. There's nothing I can do about it. I just have to endure it, because nobody listens to me. I'm the moron of the family. Granted, Medicare pays jacks**t on mental health, but then what healthcare plan, insurance, etc. DOES?!

Things have to change for the better.

PLEASE?!

Oh, and in an open letter to Owen Wilson:

Dear Mr. Wilson,

Heard about your hospital stay (who hasn't). But I think you should have been in the Psych Ward with the rest of the public, instead of locked away in a cushy, private room. Please, hear me out. In September, 2005, I had my own "suicidal gesture", and spent 4-5 days in St. Anthony's Hospital, downtown OKC. It was an eye opener. Of course at first my thought was, "These guys are CRAZY!" Then, as I got to know them, I realized their problems weren't that different from mine. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone.
Your family certainly cares for you, but if they've never had any type of mental illness, they just don't know how to react. Then you may end up feeling bad for feeling bad. Been there, done that - not good. Also not good - illicit drugs to make you feel better. Take the meds your doctor prescribes, if it doesn't work, try another one. I've been on lots of different anti-depressants. I'm not on one right now (and probably should be), but I won't be eligible for health insurance until the end of next month.
You need to know you're not alone.
You are not alone.

Take Care,
Ms. Not Together

I want to MOVE

Away. From. Here.

I'm tired of MethLab Estates. I'm tired of dogs running loose.

Why? The proverbial straw?

Monday Morning. Of course Bubba starts moaning (mooing?) to go potty. I get up at around 5:30 am and take the dogs, Bubba, Cletus and Ziva out to potty and let out the cat, Whiskers (stupid name, but I got him about 10 years ago a year old and already named). Whiskers stays outside.

Sometime around or after 6:00 am I hear Whiskers screaming. I run outside but I don't see him right away. I DO see a medium sized dog, and I'm pretty sure it was the brindle pit bull from across the street running away. All of a sudden, Whiskers falls out of a tree. Not bleeding, but spitty and with obvious internal injuries. It looks like it's just a back leg. I think (hope) he'll recover. I'm sure he'll be ok.

But damn! My beloved Wickers!! Attacked in his own yard! MY OWN YARD!! And if I had gotten out there sooner, it could've been me! I called the sheriff (at the Hubby's insistence), but was told since we live outside of town and there's no law against loose dogs, and no county animal control there was nothing he could do. He did advise if we were threaten by any animal in our own yard -- shoot it.

So this is your warning. Your stupid-ass loose dog, the one you have no control over, the one not spade or neutered, the one without any vaccinations - comes into my yard again, threatening me and mine - it's DEAD!! YOU HEAR ME!!

Another reason I'm sick of not having money.

Life Lessons You Never Think You Have to Say

Don't go out without pants or shoes. Picking up the paper in your underwear is (well, gross enough) one thing, but getting groceries at the store is another. If someone needs to tell you to put on clothes before you go out, maybe you shouldn't go out.

Checking out customers on Monday, close to the end of my day. I get an older dude (my age or older), reminding me roughly of David Crosby. Wearing a long, dirty, white t-shirt. First I notice he's not wearing shoes (disgusting!), then (scanning up, I guess) I notice he's NOT WEARING PANTS!! This is one of those times where being quiet and introverted comes in handy. I finish checking him out, I give him his bags, I may have told him to have a good day.

Then I (quietly) freaked out. A Supervisor tried to tell me they were bike shorts. No Way!!! I know the difference. Thank God my day was almost over.

Needed to Vent

Today I feel kind of down. I know, it's kind of a same ol', same ol' sort of thing. It gets me thinking about the books I'd like to write, but probably won't because I'm not talented enough. Having the stories in your head just isn't enough.

I'd like to be able to pay off my car (hell, make a car payment even!). I'd like me and the Hubby to travel while he can still move (his orthopedic doctors say he needs both hips replaced and bone spurs scraped off his shoulders). I'd just like not to worry all the time. But the main things I worry about are the Hubby and Money. I keep thinking if we could just do things together, travel, whatever, then maybe that'll take his mind off his pain and his future. That requires money. I think I'll be able to make a car payment this week (I get paid), but I'm about 2 months behind and (possibly irrationally) freak out with every truck noise that passes.

It's like all I do is work. Work, go home, work, go home, work, go home, maybe get on the internet (which, also, isn't as much fun as it used to be), watch tv (no cable, no dish), sleep, repeat. It's killing me. This just doesn't feel like a life.

Thank you for letting me vent. Oh, who am I kidding?! Nobody reads this!

I Just Finished...

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I cried.

I cried and cried and cried.

OMG, what a GREAT book!!!

One More Thing You Should NOT Have to Say to Your Dog

Bubba!! Get your nose out of my butt!!

Once again, I'm at the point where I feel competent, alive and ready at work, but worthless and useless at home.

Geez, how I hate myself! I know, it's all I write about, but it kind of consumes me. I guess that's the way depression is.

You know depression is treatable?

Well, duh! You know I don't have either available money or health insurance?!

Right now, I don't feel there is really, REALLY a point to me being alive!!

First, Things You Shouldn't Have to Say to Your Dog:

Ziva! Put down that rabbit rearend!! (and yes, it was JUST the back half of the dearly departed bunny)

Second, I'd call it an update, but nothing's really changed:

I'm still working at Wally World, actually kind of like it (weird!), not looking for anything better, higher paying, more fulfilling, etc. I'm done.

Maybe someday I'll actually write one of my 5 or so stories.

The shot's Randy had in his shoulders are no longer working - though he can't have any more for another two months. They're suggesting, well I don't know what it's called, but it amounts to scraping the bone spurs off his shoulders. Oh, and now they've seen xrays of his hips, and are suggesting replacements (for both! but not at the same time). To stave off replacements he went to Mercy today and got steroid shots in both hips. We'll see if that does anything. He's still really down, feeling there's not much life to live. I don't blame him - constant pain, arthritis in every part of his skeleton. And not enough money to do things that might take his mind off of his pain.

My son is now on his ship, or at least at the base where his ship is. We had a good time while he was here. Although, I did learn he smokes. IKK!! Right now just very occasionally. But my mother smoked like a chimney and it eventually killed her, so NO, I don't like it. My wanting my son to be his own man, and not beholding to me or his dad, has come back to bite me on the rear. Oh well, hopefully he'll come to his senses soon enough. Other than that, he's a great guy! Took me out several times! Bought me stuff! Wow! just Wow!

Anyway, I think animals want to potty, so I'll be off. I can't be here often, but I'm not giving up.

I tanked at yet another interview, for a job that paid more money, but I wasn't sure I wanted anyway. But see, whether I wanted it or not isn't the point. The point is I suck at interviews. The point is I wanted to be the one to tell them "no".

I'm going to be at WalMart forever. And, yeah, I know that's not necessarily a bad thing. But I'm not going to have time or money to travel. My son's out on leave now, before going to his ship in Norfolk, VA. But it's actual duty station is in Japan. So, unless things change for the better, the month I have with him now, is going to be it for a long, long time.

Oh, the M-in-L took over the checkbook when I boogered it up (again). Sigh. That's me. An incompetent moron.
How did I get such a great son?

Cashiering at WalMart hasn't been that bad. I've almost gotten used to standing all day. I've got another interview coming up, also.

So I should be happy. So why aren't I? I'm so anxious I feel like I could explode. And sad, too. Not a suicidal depression, just a sort-of life-is-worthless-I-am-worthless kind of thing.

I think it's money. I still can't bring my utilities and car payment up to date. Well, no reason to rehash old problems.

I'm going to slow down on this for a while. Not that it really matters. Working's taking a lot of my time and the computer is unreliable. And I don't really have anything new to say.

But I do wish I mattered.

Gainfully, If Not Meaningfully, Employed

Yes, I am now in the ranks of the employed. I am a cashier-in-training at a Wal-mart. Hopefully I can get my bills caught up. I'd still rather win the lottery.

It seems odd to me that in my entire life, I've either gone sideways or backwards job-wise (I can't say I've ever had a career). I get to $12.75 an hour, and somehow my life needs a correction (divorce, depression, getting canned), and I have to start over. All those job interviews I went on, and all I had to do was go to walmart.com. Freaky.

In other news, my son has a really great post on religion over at his myspace space, but this computer at the library is stupid, and I couldn't copy the link - so go check out jimtheplatypus at myspace.

Also, my husband's arthritis has turned his shoulder into (what?!) crap. He's gotten yet another pain pill, and a referral to an orthopedic doctor. SIGH. I wish there was something I could do. I wish it wasn't his entire body. At this point, it seems like only death will ease his pain. That's just not fair.

Kinda Anticlimatic

I would like to do so much with this blog, but right now I'm so wrapped up in myself, it's hard to think straight. I'm still unemployed. I keep going on interviews that lead to nothing. It seems like the Hubby hates me now. He says suicide would be stupid, but then critizes what I do, or don't do. I can't change who I am. I tell him I can't change. He doesn't really give me an answer how it can be stupid when I'm pretty useless as is.

Whether I'm suicidal or not kind of depends on the hour. I don't feel like I'm worthwhile. Nobody needs me. Right now it seems like I could win the lottery just as easily as get a job.

Right now I'm writing because I need to write, not because I have anything to say (has that ever stopped me?). I've got so much in my head, but I can't seem to get much out of it.

I think alot about it (suicide, that is). How to do it. Where to do it. What kind of impact it would make (not much). Even down to funeral expenses (donate my body to science, and there won't be any). But even without suicide, I would prefer to leave my body to science. Funerals are creepy.

Right now, money-wise, I'm ok, my son has both sent me some money and brought my car payment up to date. He's a great kid. I'm taking credit for that.

Well, at the library, so off for now

...And Back Down, Again

No, I did not get the position that made me so incredibly happy. But, instead of just being turned down, they didn't fill the position. Yes, I crashed. Life is not worth living, wish I was dead, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am back up to a not nearly happy, but not technically sad point of view.

Go to Cingular tomorrow. Since I've interviewed with them twice in the past, it doesn't bode well. They tend to ask inane questions I just can't answer. Oh well, one more (maybe two) iron in the fire before I give completely up.

Shout Out!

I had a really great interview today at the Physician Manpower Training Commision! I went in almost (ALMOST? right) panicking, and came out confident the job was mine. So, I have to give a SHOUT OUT to my interviewers, Michelle and Charlotte!! YOU GO, GIRLS!!!

God willing, I will either have won the lottery or be gainfully employed within the next 2 weeks!

See? This is me trying to turn my back on my giant-ass negative side.

Still Alive...

Oh, yeah, post number 397.

Haven't heard anything from the interview last week. Yeah, like I am. I've heard from some insurance benefits call center that may have a temporary Customer Svc position opening in June or July.

Sigh.

I think I need to talk to somebody. Because I don't want to work. No, no, no that's not quite true. I want to work on my own terms. Something that fits just me. Something where I can take off and travel (money willing). Something where I can be by the Hubby's side anytime he needs me, or I can go to doctors or therapists anytime I need to. Something fulfilling. Something I won't get sick of in six months, or make my skin crawl in a year, or do anything to disconnect (oh, like surfing the web at work when you're not supposed to, although everybody did it), no matter the cost. Kind of o-t, I've noticed my total cholesterol (God Bless the OBI!!) has gone down, still elevated though, since I got fired.

I'd still like to be someone like Erma Bombeck, newspaper columnist, used to be on Good Morning America - how cool would that be?! I could do it, too!! I know I can. I still say I could be the fat chick on the View. I could be a beacon for the fat, the depressed, the shy and the social phobics, the people without a voice who, on there own volition, fade into the background terrified of the outside world and the thought of interacting in it. Definately not easy, but I could do it. I ought to do it!

Sigh.

I just don't know how. You know, Good morning America or Dr. Phil could just come here, or call me, or email me and say, "Hey! How would you like to be on TV?!" (not unlike the ancient commercial: "Hey! How would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?") SURE!!

I'd like to go back to college (though, geez, can we leave the math stuff alone?), but again, lack of money rears its ugly head. No, I won't do loans I can't pay off.

I mean, I don't necessarily want a degree (though, yeah, cool), I want to learn for the sake of learning. I want to look back and say, "Well, duh, I already knew that!" Because, sometimes, we have to be shown just what we're capable of.

No. 396 or Call Me a Melodramatist

Yeah, I'm still here. I still don't see a point to living. I still think I'm unemployable, and would rather win the lottery. But, for now at least, I have stepped back just a little from the brink of suicide.

I'm not going to apologize for what I wrote. It's what I felt at the time. No, sometimes this blog is all that's keeping me here. I don't have many friends, those I do have I don't want to bother with my problems. And even though they loom large in me, my problems are pretty minor in the scheme of things. So I write, well, spew it all out here. And I appreciate those who come back and read my drivel time after time.

I read this in yesterday's NY Times:
Washington
Proposals for Mental Health Parity Pit a Father’s Pragmatism Against a Son’s Passion
By ROBERT PEAR
Published: March 19, 2007
Two Kennedys are facing off over competing versions of legislation that would provide more generous benefits to people with mental illness.

I've been hospitalized once (an interesting 4 - maybe 5 - days back in the fall of 2005), and have been in outpatient programs twice (I prefer the ST Anthony's Share program to the Integris program - even though I prefered Integris' Dr. Chakraburty to the psychiatrists of ST Anthony's) and each time I've had to battle my insurance. Every time I've had to change my insurance, I've had to make sure I got the plan with the best mental health coverage, which still tended to be a joke. How many times I can see a therapist? Is the therapist/psychiatrist I'm already seeing covered? Are the meds they're giving me covered? Or what do I have to settle for? Will the med I had to settle for DO any damn thing for me? And why can't the copay be the same as my PCP?

So YAY!! YAY to the Kennedys!! I would prefer Kennedy fils plan to Kennedy pere's, but I'll accept either. But what am I saying?! I'm unemployed, uninsured, and SOL right now. What I wouldn't do for some Lexapro. And a job. But I'd prefer to win the lottery and not have to worry about any of that.

No. 395

I've been thinking about what to write for post no. 400. I've been thinking it should be a "State of My State" message. But I'm not sure I'm going to be around for it.

I have a handsome, wonderful husband, with a crappy, debilitating illness. He blames himself for our problems. You know, Man Stuff. Please.

I don't blame him. I put the blame squarely where it belongs: ME. I'm the one who got fired last year. I'm the one who can get to an interview, but not past it. I'm the one who either considers herself too good for a McJob, or more likely, so shy the thought of being around people makes her physically ill.

I just want to crawl into the ground and die. I may be missed but things would be better off without me. Without me the Hubby could get the cheap electric, phone and gas. Or his son could move in with him. I know the M-in-L wouldn't cry much. The only bad thing is my son would probably be devistated.

I want to feel like I make a difference in this world, but I don't. I am NOTHING! And all of our money woes are my fault. I have a job interview this week, one next week, but you know I won't get the job. I'm tired. I'm just sooo tired. I think I need to squirrel away some of the Hubby's generic Xanax. He shouldn't miss it. One ought to be prepared.

And for anybody suggesting that this is just my depression: Yeah, So What?!! Getting help for my depression is just another thing that costs money! Me being a leech!

God! I'm disgusting!

No. 394 or Waiting for 24

Two more state job interviews coming up. Two more chances to booger up the interviews.

Have seen no jobs in the paper that trip my trigger. I don't want a call center job anymore, they stress me out too much. I want a job that has actual sick leave - and the taking of which doesn't count as an absence. I'd prefer a job that I like, but I don't see that happening. I don't want to work at Wal-Mart, or any fast food place, or Magic Bait (down the road from me - makes stinky bait for fish). I know that sounds kind of stuck up. Shouldn't I be taking anything to be bringing in money, even if it breaks my will to live? Am I being selfish? Does that matter? People tell me I need to take care of myself. Shouldn't I have a job that reflects who I am? But what the hell is it?!

Anyway, need to shut off, 24's about to come on. Will Jack get out of the Russian Consulate? Is everybody in the consulate involved somehow? Will President Palmer wake up and tell his Veep to shove it? How is the ex-president guy's wife going to be involved? Will the arab dude with the nukes learn he's really just a patsy for the Russian dude? And how are they going to find the Arab dude and the Russian dude? And will it be before his drones take off?

Let's go see......

Post No. 393 - AKA Trying Not to Cry

Didn't get the OSBI job. But, curiously, I am getting a 2nd interview at the place I didn't think I was qualified. They mentioned software they use that I don't even know what it is!

Damn! I said I wouldn't cry!

What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I get a job?

No, no, no, no, no! Why can't I just go ahead and win the Powerball, so I don't have to worry about money. So I don't have to worry about the Hubby taking the ultimate pain relief. So I can be with him instead of being 40 miles away at some job I'll just get sick of within 6 months.

Money is just sooo worthless, and yet it's all I need.

Maybe I should just lay down and die, too. But, no I don't want to die. Like I've always told my son, Life is an adventure. Not always fun, not always easy, but always an adventure.

My adventure is just starting.

The Hubby and I went to a pain management guy off of May Ave. and 63rd St. yesterday. What a freakin' waste of time. 2 freakin' hours there! Making the Hubby move in ways he doesn't really move anymore, telling me to be quiet, only to be told he needs to see a rheumatologist and needs to do stretching exercises (for parts that don't move anymore)! Muscle pain and arthitis, now go away! Who the hell does he deal with?! Addicts?!! Now he feels even more suicidal than before! And as much as I hate to say it, I don't blame him. A pain guy tells him he can't help his pain?! Christ!

I'm still unemployed, haven't heard NO from the OSBI, but I think it's still too early in their hiring process (kind of a long, drawn out thing). And aside from that, I don't even want to look for a job! And I can't tell you why. Just a lazy bum I guess.

Still worried about losing my car, though I don't really know why.

Still riding the kiddie roller coaster of depression (and still envying the manic phase of Bi-Polar disorder). I really would like to be on Lexapro, or so. But that's not going to happen.

And this will make post no. 392. Eight more posts to #400!

Blogging the Library

Well my 3 job interviews are now past. One I think I did real well, One I think I did ok, One - I'm just not qualified. And that was ok, I didn't like the looks of the place anyway. I think I did well at the OSBI, but I've said that about other interviews, too. They said it was a pretty long and drawn out process. There was only one opening available, and, it seemed, boatloads of interviewees. Hopefully I made an impression. I liked the place, I liked the people, but now it's down to fate.

I'm trying to stay optimistic, but that is excruciatingly hard for me. I just don't automatically come that way.

And my anxiety level has been skyrocketing lately. I keep imagining my car being reposessed. I am a month behind. I've had that happen before, and still had to pay off the car loan. The Hubby stresses over medical bills. I don't. If I can't pay them, I don't worry about it. I'll worry about other bills. Thank God I don't have a credit card!

Sorry about the absense, I guess I need to bring my 2 or 3 readers up to speed.

My dreams of being not unlike Jed Clampett have been dashed upon the rocks of reality. My royalties are not what I had hoped, but better than nothing. There goes my dream of being an old, fat Paris Hilton (though more well read)!

I had a temp job at Teleflora for 2 weeks, and discovered I DON'T WANT TO WORK AT A CALL CENTER EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN!!! I'm just too burned out. Flowers this time. Flowers did me in, orders and complaints. I may have burned my bridges there, but I don't care.

3 job interviews this week! One was Wednesday at the Payne County Health Department, the other two are tomorrow. One at the OSBI, the other I know the address, but that's about all. The one on Wednesday went well, I think, but I've said that before without getting the job. The Hubby swears this time is it! That's what his psychic powers are telling him. How come psychic powers never give you the lottery numbers? Hopefully next week tells a different, better, story.

And, I got my hair cut for the first time in a year, year 1/2. It's looks good, I think. My self-esteem is too poor to be sure. About 3 inches are gone - in long layers (fine hair), face framed. I'm considering color. Not to color my gray, being dark blond, my grays don't stand out that much.

So, I'm having fair days and bad days. There was a day last week (or early this week) when I was ready to kill myself because I burned the Hubby's toast!

And about other things:

I really couldn't care less about Anna Nichole Smith. Her death may be natural, but it looks suspicious. She should be next to her son, and not pawned off to a mother she hadn't talked to in years. I really feel for the baby, Danilynn. Noone seems to care for her. It's all about money. That's sad.

Now there are two presidential candidates I will not vote for: Hilliary Clinton, and (big surprise) John McCain. Actually there's more than two, I won't vote for any Republican. And does the election REALLY have to start a year early. Can't it be about the issues, and not how much money a certain candidate has? Am I naive? To me, the money just corrupts everybody, it does no good.

Jimmy, in the Navy, is in the last portion of his training, he'll be assigned to a ship around June. He called me the day before Valentine's day. It's like pulling teeth to get either of us to talk, so it was a short conversation. He says he in "the bottom of the top". He's doing well, he's just driven enough not to think so.

My stepson has gotten a tattoo. A black and red star, nice, but kind of plain. he say's he's going to add to it later.

I guess that's about it for now. I appreciate everyone who has hung with me. These rants are my only outlet for my depression. I appreciate you staying to listen. Thank you.

Well, I have a two-week temp assignment (floral call-center's Valentine's Day overflow) coming up. But still no real desire to even LOOK for a job. Especially since, you know, I can't pass an interview to save my life.

I haven't seen any oil money. Have learned that my share may only add up to about $500 a month. Hell, I don't know if it's going to come to my house! Who knows? Maybe it won't come at all.

I'm hoping Friday (and my husband's Social Security), comes before my money runs out. I don't know how I'm going to make: my car payment, utilities, car insurance, phone. The mortgage will be taken care of though.

I'm not quite as depressed as I was (but without antidepressants, thats kind of a meaningless phrase), but hysteria (panic?) out the yin-yang.

I've been trying to think of something I could do for a living that I would enjoy. I'm kind of coming up blank. I can't imagine knitting for a living, I do that for fun (when I have money, and antidepressants - it's the first to go). Reading for a living would be cool, but is there really anything like that (in Oklahoma)? Selling my coloring as art would be cool (and no, I can't really discribe it - it's drawing a line that never crosses to make a design and finally connect the ends and color), but who am I kidding - it's coloring, not art.

oh, hell, maybe I should just go to Carl's Jr. or McD's - at least I'd get a meal.

If There Is Anybody Who Actually Reads This...

I need help!

I need to know why life is still worth living, because right now, I just don't see it.

Ya talk about your poop-outs! I got a little bit more sleet, but that was it.

And I know I need to be looking for a job, but it's just not there. All I can think of, is even if I get an interview, I'll just booger it up. The only jobs I had last year were temps. And how many jobs did I interview for? It's just too discouraging.

So, for right now at least, I'm going to be a lazy bum. But if it's any consolation, I hate myself.

Snow Storm 2007!!!!

The temporary assignment opening mail for the Christian Charity has ended. I could've stretched it out another week, but it would have been 4hr days only, and since I come from Guthrie, and have had to have the Hubby cart me around this week, that just didn't pay. We did part amicably. Even though I hated the job and was ready to go, I cried a little. I'm just not good with the unknown. I'm not exactly an optimist. They were having a blood drive yesterday, I tried but had low iron. Would having no breakfast count? It was just before lunch, and I was starving.

And speaking of having the Hubby cart me around...!!!!

I GOT OUT OF THE YARD ON MY OWN CAR'S POWER, FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS WEEK!!!! Of course, my road's still ice packed, and I had to back up until I found a place I could go forward (15 mph on the speedometer, about 2 in actual forward momentum). Once I was onto Industrial (in Guthrie), it was fine, ice spotty only in places, but fine. It was nice to be out and about today! Of course, it's all supposed to go to shit again today (tonight, tomorrow - whenever). Figures.

So, probably won't get out to the KATT blood drive tomorrow, my Literacy Tutor Training has been postponed for a couple of weeks. So, I'm free.

Now I'm at the point again of needing a job. I've been looking at job openings, but not really seriously. After all, I can't get through an interview to save my life. And there's always some, more competent, person (or a better bs'r) behind me, ready to mop up my mistakes.

I hate the unknown. The only thing wrong with me is depression (well, and high cholesterol). I should be able to look for, and get, a job. Maybe I should do what the M-in-L says and like go to Wal-Mart or McD's or so, don't they hire about anybody? I tried Target last year, 2 of them in fact. but guess what? Yes, I boogered up the interviews and didn't get the job. How am I supposed to get over this feeling of utter worthlessness? Because I'm not. worth. a. damn! So I don't feel good about myself! So what?! What kind of lazy bum am I that I can't get some kind of work (and waaay too shy to do the "Will work for food" scam)?!

I would like to know that life is ok and maybe will get better. But it just doesn't seem that way right now.

I hate the unknown.

ICE STORM 2007!!!!

Can the media just SHUT UP now?! At least here in Guthrie it's not as bad as it could have been, and certainly doesn't warrant 24 hour coverage by the local media. It's assinine! They better not interrupt 24 tonight!!

Well, the KATT blood drive was posponed until next Saturday, when I have the literacy tutoring session. So I have to decide whether I give blood at the charitable organization later this week or just go into the Edmond OBI location and hope to get a KATT t-shirt.

I was kind of hoping that the assignment was over, as it's getting kind of old. but they haven't told me, and I'll stay until they push me out the door. I'll just complain about it alot.

I did have a paragraph complaining about my life (what's new there?), but somehow the palm of my hand rested on buttons and deleted it. That's another thing I dislike about my husband's laptop. Oh well, it wasn't all that original anyway. Just prattling on about my depression. Not crashing like during my PMS week, more like white noise going on all the time.

You know there's nothing going on, when I can't think of anything to write about. Even of my favorite subject - me.

And of the SURGE, what was that old saw? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different outcome everytime?

According to my sitemeter stats, I have one reader. But do you realize what that means? I actually have someone who reads me?! Isn't that just so cool?!

Not much going on. My temp service called me on Friday just to see how the assignment was going. Excuse me? Are these the same people who ignored me after the SWA assignment? Are these the people who have given me grief for telling the people whose work I'm doing when I need to be off and not the people who pay my check (mainly because my shift starts 2-3 hours before my temp service opens)? Well, according to them my assignment still ends around mid-January. So, I guess that means I have 1 or 2 weeks to go. And then what?

Well I'm actually kind of ready for the assignment to be over. Even though I haven't a clue as to what to do next. Since I can't get through an interview to save my life, looking for a new job is kind of pointless.

More later, I guess.

And so it's 2007

Not a good time for me to mull over the past year and think about the one upcoming. I've been sad today. It may be PMS (can I STOP having a period now!!!), though. Completely unsure. My 47-year-old body is kinda wacko in that regard.

My son told me not to worry about his car troubles, he's handling it. Of course he is. He's a good kid, a smart kid, and not a kid (and when did THAT happen?). He called me last night, worried about me. Wow! What did I do to deserve a kid like that?!

I don't know.

I wish I had more talent. Then maybe I could get the stories that occupy my mind out. But then, for the two other people who read this, they could read these blogs to my right - they actually have talent.

And I still have no desire to look for a job that I won't get because I can't interview to save my life. So I have no idea what's going to happen when the current temp job ends. Of course it would be nice if I got my oil money by then. Then maybe I could go to the doctor's and get put on an antidepressant that works for me (like lexapro). And go to the eyedoctors and get new glasses, probably bifocals, so I'm not taking off or putting on my glasses constantly (currently on my forehead). And If it's a lot of money, I can pay off last years taxes, the unemployment their making me return, pay off my car, and start making a dent in old medical bills. And if it's an embarrassingly huge amount of money, buy a new truck and a 5th wheel camper and TRAVEL with the hubby and the children (yes, I mean the dogs). That would be nice.

And coming up this month, the KATT blood drive, and I start my literacy tutor training. I'm pretty psyched about that. I'm not real sure how good a teacher I'll be, being incredibly shy. But still.

I think Bubba (the Basset/hound dog mix) needs a puppy, but the Hubby says 3 dogs are enough. Cletus the rescue Basset still jumps on him, but I don't know why (it MAY be that butt-licking thing). And Ziva the dachshund is a princess, and usually too wrapped up in herself (or playing with her cat, Whiskers, if he's in the house). So it's clear (to me at least) Bubba needs a puppy.

Reading up on Bassets, (when we found Bubba) we learned they have a nose second only to a bloodhound. Today, over at the M-in-L's house, Cletus started sniffing around the couch, went behind the couch, and then back in front of me (sitting on the couch). Would have knocked me off it and lifted it up with just his nose if he could have manage it: there was a rawhide piece stuck inbetween sections. Amazing! He loves his rawhides (and pig ears)!

No, I didn't get the job. Yes, I have given up on looking. Because it doesn't matter if I can DO the job, if I can't get through the interview.

And, I learned yesterday, my son had car troubles in MS and flew back to Charleston, SC. Great parents we are.

But, you say, there would have been nothing you could have done. You didn't have the money to go, or the trailer to put his car on, and the Tahoe isn't in tiptop shape.

I should have done something!! I should have done something.

I left work early today because I thought the Hubby had OD'd. He didn't. Just scared the hoo out of me.

My sister called. Said she got a letter stating ConocoPhillips is taking over our contract and any direct deposit information we had with whoever the previous people were is null and void. AND that they send out checks the 25th of every month. AND this all goes into effect January. Does this mean we're about to get our oil/gas royalty money? Should we have already gotten some of said money? Anyway, she said I got a letter, too - at her house. Is Guthrie that hard to find?! Can they figure out I'm married. What the Hell?!

So, this morning I was feeling really crappy. Not suicidal, but close. I was planning to go to my car at lunch and have a good cry.

Now, I don't know. I'm feeling really optimistic about the future, but also thinking I shouldn't feel that way, because everytime something good happens to me - BAM!! The bottom drops out.

Oh and have I mentioned we have something under the house (it's a double-wide manufactured house, remember), that likes to make chewing, gnawing sounds at night, all night. We're not sure what it is, it doesn't bother the dogs, but sometimes does the cat, it sounds bigger than a mouse. But, We did put some rat poison under the house in a couple of places, but right now we're at the point of taking a gun to the floor. DIE!! DIE, CRITTER, DIE!! I woke up at 3am this morning was unable to get back to sleep. I guess an exterminator is the obvious answer, but that requires money. And I'm not enthused about pulling up the skirting to get to the underside, it never looks the same when you put it back.

Oh, and yesterday, after I told the Hubby about the latest job debacle, he started to cry and told me he wanted me to be happy.

Ditto.

Happy Freakin' Holidays

Ok, I said it, can it be over now?!

I had a job interview for a job I won't get. It kind of reminds me of the horrible anxiety I went through as a kid when taking tests and doing piano recitals (hell itself!). Well piano recitals mainly - I didn't know squat about whatever I took tests on. I never studied. I never did homework. Of course the worst tests were the standardized ones that proved (to me, at least) what a dumbshit I was. Yes, now with the blessing of adult hindsight, I can tell you it wasn't because I was dumb, it was because I didn't try. School was over for me after the Third Grade Debacle.

but on interviews, I DO try, I REALLY DO! To me it's like those Netflik radio ads, except I'm not one of the savvy contestants, I'm completely in the dark. I want to ask, "Is that the right answer? Did I get it?" Can I do the interview in writing?

There is the odd possibility I may get a permanent position at the Christian charitable organization I'm opening mail for. Yeah, the job that bites the big one. But, Hey! I won't have to interview!

I guess I don't even have to say there's no royalty news. Sigh.

And about the Hubby. I'm completely at a loss. I may come home one day soon and find him dead. Or not. I don't actually know any more. He feels like a failure, I tell him he's not, but he doesn't listen to me. His pain is out of control, nothing I can do about that. He's supposed to see a pain guy sometime early next year, but what the hell is he supposed to do that oxy's not doing now?! The Hubby has bad days and worse days, sometime hours.

I don't want my husband to die. I know that's kind of selfish. I'd rather he be here with me and in pain I can't even fathom, than to have his pain relieved in a permanent kind of way. But there's nothing that I can do. Nothing that I can say.

And Christmas. Bites. Blows. Sucks hard. Jimmy is back in Charleston. We don't have any money for presents (and shut up with the "that doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah," it DOES TOO). The mortgage is paid, but my car is behind and gas, electric and phone and cel phone and loan payment are all due (car will be paid). Tomorrow we'll go to the M-in-L's house and listen to the Hubby's blowhard, now lawyer brother and his wife (the Hubby's Ex) talk about how great they are, with the M-in-L eating it up. My sister will probably want us to come over on Christmas day, but geez, me and the Hubby are such downers (losers). I don't want to inflict myself on them.

I Just want it over with. I know I won't get what I want: a nice antidepressant (that works on me) and/or an antianxiety and to be able to pay for it. It would be nice to feel good.

At least I have something to look forward to next month: the KATT blood drive, and the literacy tutor classes.

Wow! It's been, like, forever since I posted last.

It was just a cold that knocked me on my ass. It was a weird cold, though. Fever, chills, nausea aren't what I usually have.

Jimmy's gone back to Charleston to start his six-month job training dealie on a real reactor. Then he'll learn what carrier they're putting him on. Since I'm gone almost 12 hours out of the day, with commute, and overtime, I didn't hardly get to see him. And since I don't have any appreciable money, we didn't get to do stuff. So he mostly sat around the house the first week, went to his dad's that weekend, and hung out with friends the last week. He left yesterday morning, while I was at work. I know, since he is 20 he's an "adult". But I sure worried about him driving that long way by himself. We kept telling him he ought to stop for the night and get a hotel room, but he didn't. He did stop for a while and sleep, but not at a hotel. They think they're so bulletproof at that age.

I got to drive his new, New Beetle. It was wonderful. It made my Kia look like the pathetic POS it is. It did develop a problem with the window. He said he'd take it back to the dealer when he got back to Charleston.

And since I mentioned it, yes, I'm still opening mail for the Christian Charity. Yes, it still blows. I have another offer of a state job opening, I'll call for an interview. But you know I won't get it! I can't interview to save my life. And that's not even counting the panic attacks I get going to the silly things.

They had a prayer meeting on Friday. I felt REALLY out of place. I don't know how to discuss it. I was angry. He was talking about what he called "the disaster after the disaster": how everyone's sooo concerned when it's fresh, but out of sight, out of mind just a while later. I guess I was angry, because it hit home. But if I could reach out, there would be people out there for me to talk to. But I don't, I can't. I mean, look, you read down these posts and there all the same. But it's what's inside of me. What I have to get out of me. I don't even like listening to me, I'm boring (not to mention grotesque looking). So how can I ask people to listen to me?

I'm so envious of Randy's medicare. Even though I don't think our doctor gives a hoot about me personally, I would like to be able to go and get a good antidepressant. But right now, healthcare is out of my price range.

And Randy? Kinda same ol', same ol' - horrible pain, life not worth living, threats to end it all. He's supposed to see a pain management guy sometime early next year (hopefully not the dick he saw once before).

No new news of the oil variety. Come in kinda handy right about now. But I did finally get my Dr Pepper t-shirt I ordered in August. Sweet! Oh! and I'm going to be trained as a Literacy Tutor next month (well one session in late January, One early Feb).

And that's it. Life right now is just existing.

Well.

I just got a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter from the one company I thought I had nailed. I was sure I had it. I. Give. Up. I just cannot get a worthwhile job. And to top it off, I'm afraid I may be fired from the temp job for too many absences (2 being days I was snowed in at home, 2 now sick). I've heard that 3 times and you're out. Yeah, it's a Christian organization all right.

Jimmy drove home all by himself for his about 2 week leave. That makes me happy, but it's not the way it was supposed to be. He's a good guy. One of the very few things I did right. Did I mention he was planned?

And yeah, I'm at home sick, I hope it's just a cold, but I'm afraid it's the flu. I guess it's wrong of me not to want to inflict myself on other people, and want to relax and get better. I guess I should have marched myself to work anyway. Hell, maybe I would have died there. Maybe I was supposed to.

No, I still haven't heard from my oil money. I read on the Oklahoma Corporation Commission's web site that the oil company has 6 months from first sale to pay royalties. OR?!! If after that, they have to pay interest. OOOOH, Scary!! I want my damn money.

It still feels like I'm being ignored by God. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do know. I can't get a job, because I can't interview to save my life. I don't like, and maybe fired from the temp job I have. Oil money is nonexisistant. What?! I'm scared and I need answers and they're just not there. Hello...?!! HELLO?!!!

And finally, I want to say how much I appreciate the few readers I have. Looking at my Sitemeter stats, I realized it couldn't be just me. I don't have a clue as to why you keep coming back, but Thank You very much for doing so. It means alot to me.

Rants: Same Ol', Same Ol'

Well.

At Thanksgiving I had to tell my son I couldn't come to see him graduate this Friday from the Nuke program, because we don't have the money to travel to Charleston. Well, I kinda palmed that off to the Hubby. He offered money, which we knew he would, he's a good kid. This like the story of my life, always disappointing somebody, especially Jimmy. I've always struggled for money, providing the roof over his head and food, but always coming up short in the extras. I guess I always relied on my ex to provide what I couldn't.

This has been the worst year, and it's all my fault. Yes, I hated working at Cendant, but why couldn't I just suck it up and follow their stupid no internet rules? I'd still have the good paying, but soul-sucking job I'd had for 4 years. And, possibly, probably, the money to go to charleston. But noooooo, I had to screw up and get fired, and then have problems getting a job, then take what I thought I should do, but that didn't pan out and now I'm opening mail.

But why couldn't I have gotten my oil money?! It's out there in Roger Mills County pumping away. I haven't seen one dime.

The Hubby is devastated, and blames himself. I think he's close to suicide, but there's nothing I can do. I'll be away from him at work most of the day. Mental health is one thing Medicare doesn't pay well. I don't want him to die, but I can't stop him.

And all we need is money. All we needed was a little miracle, so I could be with the Hubby, and we could go to Charleston to see my son graduate.

I told God I needed a miracle because I feared for the Hubby's life - nothing. Well, to be fair, God has until Wednesday.

It sounds so frivolous, but it's crushing us, and we have nobody to talk to.

Life just isn't worth living.

I have learned two things opening mail for the OKC based Christian Charity: opening mail is boring, and I will NEVER do anything else for Today's Staffing!! First of all, when I get there Friday (before last), they didn't even know I was coming! Now, last week, they call me during work, like it's some kind of emergency. What was it that was so all-fired important? That I needed to fax them my time card before 1pm Friday or I wouldn't get paid for that week until the next week. I'm told that the people I work for will just estimate my time for Friday and Saturday, that that's ok. Well, it wasn't really ok with them, but they did it anyway. And the card didn't get faxed until after 2pm, so I may be paid this week or not.

Oh, and I most likely won't be able to go see Jimmy next (not this) week. No money. DAMN IT!!! It's not like I'm asking for much. I'm asking for what's due to me already. I'm so proud of my son! I want to show my support!

And I did have 2 job interviews last week, I think I did okay at both. I'm cautiously optimistic. But, hell I've thought that before.

Happy Election Eve

Well.

I've rejoined the ranks of the employed. Openning mail and data entry at a local Christian Charity. It's a temp job. I'm not real sure I want it, but don't really seem to have an alternative. I did have an interview at the State Department of Health for a Admin Tech job, very interesting job, to me the interview seemed to go well, but I have a history of boogering interviews. That would be the one I want.

And, thank God election day is Tomorrow!! For me, the gist is: I am voting for NO Republicans. Since I don't live in Oklahoma County, I don't get the pleasure of voting against Mary Fallin and Wes Lane. The best I get is voting against Frank Lucas (that would be FOR Sue Barton - and I think she has a good chance).

And doesn't the Saddam verdict coming when it did seem awfully coincidental? And maybe I'm too much of a peacenik, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do right now. My husband completely disagrees. To me, it just seems like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Oh, and I STILL haven't received any royalty money. If the Little Well that Could out in Roger Mills County is pumping oil and natural gas out of the ground, the oil companies (or whoever) should be prying open their wallet to pay me. Why is it taking so long? I need that money so I can go to Jimmy's graduation at the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command in Charleston late November. He wants us there, we need to be there. period.

I've been really, really depressed, well I'd say lately, but it's actually been months. I really need to see a doctor and get put on a good antidepressant, like Lexapro, but that costs money I don't have.

I'm at the point where I know I need to write, but I don't have anything to write about, that I haven't already spewed on.

I guess I have to face it: I don't write well.

Well, of the family news, the Hubby has a sleep study tonight. His oxy just isn't working anymore, but since the doctor is moving to a new location in November, we're waiting until then to see him. At least he can go. My son, Jimmy, has a graduation ceremony from the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command on December 1, I got the invitation today. Hopefully, I'll have some kind of oil/gas money by then to be able to go. I really can't handle NOT being able to go! He wants us to help him buy a car to take to the next class location in NY. I'm sooo proud of him!

I wish he could be proud of me.

My Dream Job

I had the interview for said dream job today, Library Technician I at the blind and disabled library near the capitol. And the more I heard about it, the more it seemed like it was meant for just me. Actually there are 2 opennings, one involves making recordings of books, the other more librarian-ish. Could there be anything more perfect?

One problem, entry level though it is, I don't have any experience in audio making things. And, of course, the only library experience I have is as patron. The interview itself went very well, I think, I was friendly, open, only mildly terrified, and smiled and laughed (naturally!!) throughout. It left me with a high (again naturally!!) that lasted until just about an hour or so ago.

Yeah, that's my dream job alright. One is like reading for money (I can do out loud), both are being in a library all day long - how cool is that?!

And as cool as it is - I don't think I'm going to get it. Let me tell you, they interviewed maybe 10 people total, nobody - and I mean NOBODY - wanted more than I. But, again, there's the experience thing I went into above (yeah, I should cut and paste that part here, but hell, noone reads this anyway). So, now I falling apart - again.

We have no money - the Hubby has prescriptions he needs that we don't have the money for (and yeah, I mean the piddly copays). The oil money could show up anytime from now to Christmas - can't it happen now?! And it's all my fault!!

I did give blood today (and once again they had to stick both arms - little veins). So, maybe it'll work it's karma magic and something (ANYTHING!!) good will come of it.

Happy F'in Birthday To Me

Life bites.

Blogging the Library, Again

Yeah, well. I had a job interview yesterday. I'm pretty sure I tanked the interview. That's my problem, I don't interview well. It doesn't matter that I can do any type of clerical-y, customer service-y, call center-y job out there - you have to prove it in the interview. My mind and my body turn in to jello (human-flavored gelatin in case somebody complains about the copyright infringement). I was shaking. I'm pretty sure I was sweating. And maybe answered too truthfully for comfort. The Hubby says I shouldn't mention anything about my past problems with depression. Well, I have one more interview on the 19th, let's see if I screw that one up.

Sigh. I feel sooo worthless.

And stuck. Stuck in Guthrie.

As September comes to a close, let me do what I do best, obsess about myself.

Well, I may be getting unemployment, I should know by next week. And, since my period just ended, and PMS not yet begun, I actually feel....ok, not great, but ok. I DO have a job interview next week, and, yes, the thought of which is freaking me out. You know, I don't know if I want this position, I think I'd like the Library Tech position I'm interviewing for on Oct. 19 better. I still think working in a library, even if it's for the blind and disabled would be sooo cool! The hubby says I shouldn't mention depression at all, I should say I was concerned about my husband's illness, upset that he'll never get better. I said "I'm not good at lying." He told me it wasn't a lie. Then, why does it feel like it? And, how am I supposed to get over the feeling that it doesn't matter how well I can do the job, if I'm an incompetent interviewee. The interview is the all important thing.

The electricity got shut off yesterday for about 30 minutes. I didn't have close to the whole bill, but enough to pay the over-overdue portion. I guess the gas and phone will be next. And I also guess I'm no longer getting food stamps. One thing I've discovered, is that food stamps (actually an electronic card) are great! It was wonderful not having to worry about how you're going to buy food! There should be no shame involved at all! If you need it, it's there! Use it! I think the Hubby should be the one to go to the DHS to complain about not getting it anymore. He is the one on disability. And since my shyness right now is bordering on social phobia, it's almost impossible for me. Well, that's my excuse.

Politics has become impossible to talk about - me and the Hubby are 180 degrees away from each other. But basically only on Iraq and Bush. And geez, I hate confrontation. I got that from my first marriage, I guess.

I would still like to get the 5 or so stories out of my head, but I don't know how, or if they're any good. I'd like to talk to someone, a writer or so, about it, but that's another thing I get squeemish about (see shyness comment above).

Gotta go now. More later.

Still doing the "Poor little me" thing - not attractive.

Have a job interview next week - freaking out.

Have a new Grand-niece (?), named Piper, 7lbs 6oz.

Wow, this isn't even worth blogging! Add more later - I'm at the library, being timed out.

I'm at a point where I need to write, but the problem is, I'm not going to say anything I haven't already wrote/complained/whined about. And if you're only going to be redundant, why write at all?

Well, for me, this is my therapy. This is me being able to say everything normally compacted into a little ball somewhere around my stomach.

I guess this is Suicide Prevention Month, I heard it somewhere (Parade maybe). I don't know how you stop someone who wants to, both of my "gestures", I stopped myself. Because as much as I didn't want to live, I didn't want to die, either. I know when you're in the black pit, there is no up. Right now, I'm in a gray pit, I can see up - I just can't get there.

I'm scared for the Hubby. All he sees is a future of pain and immobility, and a past of failure. One of these days, he'll end his pain. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to do that?!

You know the rest, still unemployed, have no money, haven't seen promised royalities from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. All I want to do is sit and eat, and read. I've been reading alot lately. I'm a bum.

One Month

Reunemployment, that is. I took a crap-load of tests for State of Oklahoma jobs, so far I've done ok. Hopefully, the offers will come rolling in.

But I have to admit, I don't really want to leave the Hubby alone. He swears he's not going to DO THE DEED, but I don't know. He's awfully down. I mean at the bottom. Scary stuff! Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, if I just hang around him constantly, maybe he won't.

I haven't seen anything from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. I could use the money NOW, if you please. I know it will come, in it's own sweet time. I just wish that time was now.

Not quite as down as I have been, just worried. I used to think all I needed was money, because stuff is stuff and it's worthless. But, I need a job, but for that I need self-confidence, and I need to know I can talk myself around the Cendant and Hertz debacles. Depression, and it's aftermath, sucks.

Keep Your Hands and Arms Inside the Car....

I think I'm approaching menopause, but I'm not sure. Like, I've been really hot this summer, but then, it's been a really, really hot summer. And last night I woke up drenched in sweat. And my ongoing problems with depression.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Like, how can it be, if I'm still having a FREAKIN' period?! Can't that stop first?! I'm pretty sure what I'm going through is some kind of normal bodily process. I am, after all, almost 47 (in October).

Hell, I don't Know!

Catharsis

My first week of unemployment done (not done?).

Supposedly, there is a well out in Roger Mills County that's been pumping away for about 2 months, but I haven't seen a dime's worth of royalties (come in handy right about now). My Cousin the Lawyer is handling all that stuff for us. On the upside, I got a chunk of change for something called a seismograph.

Also, my Father-in-Law, deceased for 4 years now, was one of those Depression-era babies. He saved almost everything "for retirement": aluminum cans (a shed and a 40 ft stock trailerful - thankfully gone now), aluminum crap, for lack of a better term, like chair bodies, ect; copper tubing, old (decaying) electrical cords (we filled an old stock watering tank full, for God's sake!); also brass fittings and iron and steel and old cars. What's left now (well, you can't really be sure what's buried in the weeds out in the pasture), is the iron and steel and old cars. But we're not sure it would pay to bring them into the recycler.

So, right now anyway, we're ok. We're still waiting on the royalty money, and getting kind of discouraged. Even though it should come soon, it doesn't seem like it's going to, y'know? And, I have to admit I haven't really been looking for a job, well, seriously. I scan the Sunday ads, shoot a glance at Monster.com and careerbuilder.com, have perused OK state jobs and federal jobs (through firstgov.gov). But it's like I don't want to work. NO, no, no, its EXACTLY that I don't want to work.

With the Hubby's health (physical and mental) in decline, I don't want to be 20, 30, 40 or more miles away for 8, 10, 12 hours a day! I know he's a grown man and can still, mostly, take care of himself. But that's part of it. I'm not making myself understood.

I want to be with him and do things with him while he still can. But, unless the mythical royalty money comes I won't be able to do that. And, I don't think I can get a job. My mind isn't in it. Interviewing requires a skill I just don't have. It doesn't matter how well you do the job, it only matters how well you interview (Southwest proved that).

OH yeah, depression covers this house like a fog, thinner for me, thicker for the Hubby. Hell, the Hubby I would catagorize as quasi-suicidal. He's not over the edge yet, but he can see it, and, right now at least, keep himself from it. Me, all I need is a good Lexapro prescription. But I don't have insurance, and the Hubby's Medicare only pays 50% for mental health - and, yeah he needs the excellent St Anthony's treatment I had (close to a year ago).

Well, I thought I should write. I wish I had more than 2 or 3 readers.

Unemployed Again, Naturally

Friday last came and went and I didn't cry once. I feel horribly drained now, though.

But I have come up with a drinking game: every time the M-in-L says something about someone hiring, take a shot.

The Hubby is seriously crashing, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Yeah, life is great.

One Week

One more week and I join the ranks of the unemployed again. But hey! I did get to shake CEO Gary Kelly's hand on Friday. Unfortuneately, I was on the phone WORKING at the time, unable to say boo to him about my predicament. And then he was gone.

I feel like such a loser. A whiney baby loser. I may be a nobody, but I should be able to get some form of employment. Being shy bites. Being fired (unfairly!) bites. having to explain it to prospective employers without somehow turning them off, bites. Life bites.

Haven't gotten any oil money yet. Would come in kinda handy right about now.

AAARRRGGGHHH!! What's wrong with me?! Why can't I just STAND UP for myself, for the things I believe in, for my country?!! Why does it scare me so?! Why is it SO HARD?! I'd say, you push and you push and you push but you never get anywhere, but I'm not sure I'm even pushing. It's like I'm some lazy, dumbass just waiting for it to fall out of the sky. And I know I've said it before, but IT BITES!! I'm like locked away inside myself with only this glimpse inside. I'm alone and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do next. And, God! this doesn't even go into the Hubby's problems! He's in pain, and feels worthless, and that life's a burden, but so far, he doesn't want to kill him self, he's just tired of living.

I guess I could call my friend Lakenda or my sister, but that doesn't seem right. I'll just be a downer. I don't want to inflict myself on them. They have their own lives, good lives, and they deserve it.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go now.

Just Two More Weeks

Two more weeks at SWA.

The looming unemployement is pretty much knocking me on my ass. Today's Staffing so far has been very unhelpful. Not to mention my raging PMS.

I guess I'm bitter. I kinda have a right to be bitter, in February I was full of righteous indignation over being unfairly (but completely within their rights) fired, now I just feel useless, worthless. I don't feel like I can get a job. Just worn down to a nub. As I've said before, getting a job and doing a job are two different things (unless you're a used car salesperson). I can do the job, almost any job (though mostly clerical and call center), but I just feel incapable of getting it.

Y'know what I'd like?

Really?

I'd like to win the lottery. To not have to worry about having a job or paying bills or deciding which bills I'm just going to ignore. To be able to go places and do things with the Hubby, while he's still mostly mobile enough to enjoy them. To be able to go to school just for the sheer joy of learning. To be able to buy the land the Hubby wants to disappear on (but still within an hour of the city), and build my hippie house on it. To have cars we want, instead of cars we can afford. To volunteer to teach people to read or be a docent at a museum. I want to be able to go to the doctor when I'm sick. My doctor not just any doctor. To be able to get prescriptions (say, the antidepressant, Lexapro).

I never want to have to worry about being unemployed EVER AGAIN!

No new news. Just feeling sad and alone.

Playing With the VidCam

Here I am! Not quite as ugly as usual! Ready for the Big Time!

Oh, and dig that Mona Lisa smile!

Some Random Musings

I don't understand the whole Israel, Hamas/Palestinian, Hezzbolah (however you spell it) thing. There are no good guys and no real bad guys (I mean really bad, bad guys), just a bunch of people overreacting. What do you do? It doesn't seem really right to support one group over another. Israel's going to exist whether you want it to or not. Palestinians have a right to respect and live their lives and vote for whatever stupidheads they want to (hello! we do that all the time!). I'm not real sure where Hezzbolah falls into the loop, but they seem to be among the fundamentalists that treat women like crap. Like, can someone tell me why it's women's fault that men are attracted to us (well not me particularly), that some fundies tell us to cover ourselves up or ugly ourselves up? Don't men have any restraint on their own?

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Something like 4 more weeks at Southwest Airlines. Thanksgiving is now open - and almost sold out. Flights are starting in Dulles early October, but, alas, not Charleston, SC. I learned they can make you come in on your day off to work mandatory overtime. I feel like I've dodged a bullet. But I'm not looking forward to looking for a new job. I don't know if I can rely on the temp service to drop something wonderful in my lap. And I'm still pretty nil on the self-confidence level. Self-hatred levels have lowered, but not elimanated. Social-phobia level still pretty high. Right now I'm still in cruise control. Hoping something will drop out of the sky.

**********************

Oil/Gas money hasn't started rolling in yet. I'll still belive it only when I see it. And yet I hope it's alot, and lasts for a long time. That way, if I don't get a "good job" relatively quickly, it won't matter. And I might do something else that matters to me, like adult literacy, or reading to kids. And, I still get my own version of the Beverly Hillbillies theme running through my head:

First thing you know ol' Pattye's a millionaire,
the kin folk say, "Pattye, move away from there,
Gaillardia's the place you ought to be,"
So we loaded up the truck and moved to OKC-

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I've switched the story running through my head to yet another one, one of my oldest. It also has no real end. Yet in this one the middle kind of falls apart, too. But I still like it.

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I've decided I like Jari Askins for leiutenant Governor. At least SOMEBODY learned from current and future Governor Brad Henry. And I'm glad I'm not in the 5th district. I would vote for unnamed democrat before any of the GOP clones (not to mention that I would do that anyway). But geez, they all say the same things, not a one can think for themselves. And channel 52 took off Magnum PI for Mick Cornetts slickly produced HOUR LONG tribute to himself. We get it! you prefer Mick!! Of course I also remember you aired the Swift Boat crapola too. Just bring back Magnum, and leave off politiking.

*************************

I haven't heard from my kid lately. Which means I'll have to call him. Which I hate to do because I don't want to bother him. I want him to have a life of his own, but I want to hear about it from time to time.

*************************

Barbara Walters people haven't called me yet. I'm sure it's just an oversight.

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I finished a really, freakin' fantastic book day before yesterday: A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. OMG!! It's amazing the Guthrie Library would have it. Hat's off to you.

*************************

Well, gonna go now - kinda drained out my mind for now. Need to go put more crap in it.

I've decided that however devastating being turned down by Southwest Airlines (for NO GOOD REASON!!), and it was devastating, it was for the best. There are just too many things I don't agree with: mandatory overtime, really low starting pay, 3 weeks unpaid training (who can afford that?), few, if any, paid holidays (I know of 2: Thanksgiving and Christmas), almost guaranteed bad hours and odd days off, no mute button, no putting customers on hold, in fact I think the phone system is way out of date.

And yet, like Hertz, they really know how to treat their customers. Would that they could give their employees similar concern. At least Southwest is unionized, I don't think they really understand call center issues, though, or they just kinda roll over and play dead. And of the airlines, at least the ones I've dealt with, Southwest is tops. No extra change fees when you change a reservation, no $5.00 charge when you call the res center instead of booking online, your res agent will be in the US, and will know every airport SWA flys to.

I guess one of my main gripes is the treatment of employees with mental illnesses. Yeah, it's going to affect the way we do our job. Although, for both Cendant (Trilegiant, Clientlogic), and Hertz, it didn't so much affect my job performance (not at all for C,t,c) as affect the other arbitrary rules. The more I think about it, the less I feel being let go was justified.

But water under the bridge. I am kinda worried about how it will affect me getting a job. But on the otherhand, and completely unrelated, my completely forgotten about land in Roger Mills County now (on the portion with 7 heirs), has an oil/gas well on it. Oil/Gas royalties to follow. Rock. Maybe it'll be enough where I don't have to worry about getting a job quick when the SWA temp job is over.

In other family news, the Hubby thinks his arthitis is spreading to his rib cage, and starting to calcify them. Jimmy, my son, is now in his 2nd of 3 nuke classes in Charleston, SC. I have a niece going to have her 2nd child, a girl, in September. It's already all scheduled, since she had a caesarean the first time around. My sister is in her new house now, on a wooded acreage near Newalla. She and her husband both work at Tinker, so have money out the ass. But hey, more power to them. It's a tough place to work, and they've been there forever.

And I've also decided I need to be the new fat chick on the View. I think introverted, social-phobic, depressed women with low self-esteem are sorely underrepresented on tv. I have opinions, it just may be pulling teeth to get them out of me. I would consider myself well-read. I'm a quick learner. I don't mind being on camera, as long as I don't have to look at myself. I'm not ugly. So, Barbara, Ms. Walters, I'm here, come get me. Because the thought of me putting myself out there, kind of makes my stomach upset.

Hertz said "No, you can't come back here, you stupid, little woman. We don't want people like you." I'm paraphrasing.

I tried to explain my problems with depression and social anxiety keeping me from filling out their stupid form. That I didn't want to quit (well, without having meaningful employment). That life post-Hertz has been kinda crappy.

Didn't matter. I didn't give any notice when I quit.

And that's that.

As to what I do know, I don't have a clue. Right now I don't think I could make any kind of decision if my life depended on it. I can't trust myself to make it right.

Well, I may be really down on myself right now, but I'm still not crying. That's something. And I really didn't want to go back to Hertz. Beyond August 11, I need to be doing something. But right now, I feel like one of those dandelion seeds you blow off the puff, being blown along with the wind. Where will I land? And will I germinate?

Not In the Mood To Blog...

But, hey, I'm not crying!

Of course my period started and that could be part of the reason I reacted as I did.

The answer is....


no. No matter how well I am doing the job at this moment (and let me tell ya, I ROCK), I am not good enough for a permanent position at Southwest Airlines. Buuuuttt, I can apply again in six months!!! YAY!!

And now, it's a little hard to go to work. To top it off, they're offering more hours, up to 37.5 for the week until the end of the assignment. Since I kinda do need the money, I do the extended hours, even if my entire existence wants to say, "Screw you!"

I've heard tell you can't go home again, but that's exactly what I've attempted: I went back to Hertz last week and put in an app. I didn't get fired the first time out, I quit. And I didn't really want to quit, either. I just wanted the time off to settle my head, having finally crashed in June of 2000, after my mother's death in February of 1999. But it was like I was locked inside myself at the time, unable to tell my (then) doctor I needed more than 2 weeks off (aside - I had been off of work by then for about 3months, first I didn't get the form from work for the short-term disability, then when I got the replacement, the (then) doc only put down two weeks), and also unable to explain to Hertz Hoohahs that it wasn't money, I just wanted the time off and then was ready to go back to work. I had myself in a tight little box. I officially quit in October of 2000. If I had had the foresight to put 2 weeks in the future on that form, all this would be a moot point.

So. Now I am yet again at the point where I am to "THINK POSITIVELY". Kind of a foreign concept to me. But I am trying. The problem being getting a job and doing said job are entirely different skills. One I have not at all, the other I have out the ass. I'm almost at a point where I don't think I can get any job.

Hertz, give me a chance!! I did a great job, before my mother died. I never wanted to quit, I just wanted the time off! You know I can do the job!! Let me prove it!!

Still Being Punk'd by God

A week ago, after posting, I got the phone interview. I thought I did well, I thought I explained my firing by being honest, and explaining my problems with depression. Her last words to me were that I would either be called to schedule the in person, in depth interview or I would get the thanks, but no thanks letter.

I still haven't gotten the thanks, but no thanks letter, but everybody else who was in my training class got an interview scheduled right then on the phone. I was crushed. ok. My psyche was fragile enough already. So, except for when I was on the phone with customers, I been, pretty much, crying constantly. It's not a perfect job, I understand that. There are things about it which I don't like, low starting pay, few holidays, no mute button, no putting customers on hold unless you're calling a CSR. I liked it, and I was good at it.

Now they're telling me that I should be optimistic, that I don't know what's going to happen. Well, I do know that they're considering temps from other cities, whose center isn't hiring over me. Oh, they just called so-and-so just today (Friday), they can still call you. Keep doing a good job. have a good attitude.

God, I could scream. I can't be optimistic, I'm. A. Depressive!!!! I've had 3 major depressions in the last 3 years, each one worse. Life has no meaning for me. Yet I'm supposed to pull happy thoughts out of my butt?!

I guess I can kind of see their point. People who've never had a major depression just don't understand. It's supposed to be so easy to keep a positive outlook. They don't know any other way.
Well. Neither do I.

I can't chase rainbows. With the Hubby on disability, everything is on my shoulders. This means I have to, yet again, start looking for a job. A permanent job. And I hate looking for a job, I'm not good at it. I really suck at interviews, yet here I go again.


Maniacal laughter ensues.

Yes, I had to go through the whole rigamarole for SWA, posting resume online, and such, even though I'm already in the building, already doing the job. I did it. I decided I'd jump through their hoops. I understand what I'm in for, lousy hours, midweek days off, mandatory overtime, having to work the few official holidays, I'm game for that. I like the company, and I like what I'm doing. Yes. My sanity may be in question.

I get a note from my temp agency saying I'm going to be called in the next two days between 3:30 and 8:00 pm to schedule an interview. Wasn't called Wednesday or Thursday, and by Friday I was getting antsy. Friday I was given a packet to fill out, application, drug and felony junk, so still feeling like I'm jumping through their hoop, but maybe getting somewhere.

Now it's Saturday, still haven't been called for the interview (and, yes, DAMN IT, I'm already doing the job, why do I have to jump through the same hoops as Joe Nobody off the street?!), still need to finish filling out the app junk.

This is making me CRAZY. I want THIS JOB. I'm damn good at it. I actually enjoy it. But it doesn't do my shakey sanity any good to have my head messed with this way.

Any way.

My husband still hasn't checked himself into SHARE and St Anthony's yet. He did, however, find out that Medicare only pays 50% for mental health, so that kind of screws us. He doesn't just need anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills thrown at him, he needs therapy, too. Damn.

Part of me says he should just go ahead and do it, and just not pay the bill. That actually kind of works for me. Medicare is supposed to be there for him, all of him. I've had lots of doctor and hospital bills from the last year or so. The copays I couldn't pay used to bug the crap out of me. Was, in fact, one of my anxiety hot buttons. The last time I was in therapy, aside from learning I couldn't control my husbands feelings, was I'm not going to worry about those bills. Should I pay them? Yeah, but they're not the priority, that's the mortgage, car payment, utilities, last years taxes (yike). What?! Are they going to make my credit WORSE?!

HA, HA, HA, HA, HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh, god! Now that's funny!

So Out of the Loop...

Is Corndog back yet?


I guess that's a no. Anyway, still temping at Southwest, which MAY become permanent, but I don't want to jynx it. Even though it's crazy busy, I love every minute of it! My mind is trying to make me go on my kiddie rollercoaster again, but so far I'm resisting. I still think I may be bipolar II.

Jimmy was supposed to come home on leave tonight, but his flight out of Charleston was delayed past his connecting flight in Houston. Now it's tomorrow afternoon. Arrgh!

The Hubby needs the 4 days I had in the Booby Hatch last September, but will he? NOOOOO! Too proud, don't need it, don't have the money (true), blah, blah, blah. The one thing I DID learn the past September, his feelings are HIS FEELINGS. Understand he's in constant pain. Understand he's only going to get worse. But the feeling sorry for himself, annoys the piss out of me. He's better than that.

Since I've been busy, not to mention happy, I haven't been paying much attention to the news. Have we gotten rid of Bush, et al, and the rest of the Borg party yet?

Seems Like Forever

...since I've been here. First, let's have a moment of silence for Corndog's taking his huge talent home. I understand the motive, but the selfish brat (not that far down) in me just thinks it's sooo unfair.



Ok, really not much to say. Still temping at SouthWest Airlines. It's busier than sin - and I love it!! It may prove to be permanent, but I won't say more just yet, I don't want to jynx it.

The Hubby is in more pain than ever, but all I can do is sit back and watch.

My son has finished his first round of classes at Charleston and will be coming home on leave Friday. YAAY!!

And that's it!! I haven't had a whole lot of time to be on the internet, so I'm way behind. But, damn, I like being happy, being employed, and being happily employed.

later...

I'm Being Punk'd by God

That's kind of the way it feels.

My celphone display went on the fritz, so now I have a loaner from the M-in-L with my simcard in it.

My paycheck wasn't direct deposited on Friday like it was supposed to. One of the few times I was glad my M-in-L, who works at our bank, snooped into our account. I called my temp agency. They would look into it they said and get back to me. Later, while I'm walking the dogs (or, more likely, they're walking me) in the back-back, I hear something ringing. Sounds like some celphone, close but not real close. So, after looking around, I realize it's MY celphone. My temp agency tells me I was at the bottom of a list and didn't get processed. OOPS!! You'll get your pay by Tuesday.

Well, yay. I guess I didn't need it anyway. It's not like my car payment, the electricity bill, the natural gas bill, the phone bill are late!! Oh, wait...

And the Hubby isn't doing so good. Pain is overwhelming, depression almost at a breaking point, and I get to sit back and watch.

One good thing is my job, temporary as it is. I start on the phones Monday morning. I'm anxious and excited at the same time!! I was declared class Valedictorian, and given a really cute ceramic Southwest jet that holds paperclips, now in a place of honor on our entertainment center.

I tell people I'm going to do the best job that I can, as long as it lasts, and worry about August (the scheduled end date) in August. But who am I kidding? I'm going to love my job and expect it to go on forever and be crushed when it doesn't.

I'm being punk'd by God.

Not much to say.

I am temping now at Southwest Airlines, still in training but it's freakin' great!!

But I come home and crash. All of the worthless feelings seep back in. I may have gotten my first check, but it paid my mortgage. Normally the Hubbys Social Security check pays for it but I had to get car insurance (having lapsed the two months I was unemployed). My car payment will be my next check. Hopefully, I can some, if not all of the gas bill, phone bill and electric with the check after that. and it's starts all over again.

Right now, I'm drowning!

If I can get to work Monday afternoon, I'll be ok, I guess.

Odd Thoughts

Bubba's period of mourning (our late lamented Cooter) may be over. Finally. He's acting happier, eating more, and eating up our hugs.

Cletus is finally starting to blend in with Bubba and Ziva, he's actually wanting to play with Bubba sometimes! That freaks Bubba out kinda, but it's a slow process.

Ziva's potty training is excruciatingly slow. You still have to put her outside after she wakes up from a nap, but her pottying outside is kind of hit and miss, going outside is too much of an adventure (other dogs to bark at, cats to chase) and she forgets the reason she's actually outside.

I've been really, really sad lately. "Life's not worth living" sad. I'm trying to hang on, but it's so difficult. I know I have the SWA temp job starting next Monday. I have an orientation meeting tomorrow. I just don't believe it's going to happen. And even if it does, IT'S JUST A TEMP JOB. I'll have to go through this hell all over again in August.

I'll be sending my tax return off sans payment. Yeah, bad news, but I have no money. Yeah, I should've saved when I had it, but I didn't. So I screwed myself.

I really HATE myself. I am such a loser.

Anyway, finished Papillion, read the Hobbit (for, like, the thousandth time) and found three books cleaning out Jimmy's car: 2 Stephen King Dark Tower books (1 and 2 oddly enough), and Dostoyevsky's Brothers Karamozov. So I'm toying with Dostoyevsky right now. If anybody reads this: is Brothers Karamozov a book for a seriously depressed person to read? I really need to be in somebody elses world.

Cryin' Time Again

To borrow a phrase from the late, great Buck Owens. Ya know, Hee Haw was the Energizer Bunny of it's day - it went seemlessly from CBS to syndication, and all the while it was on I'd just cringe and ask myself, "Are they ever going to cancel this?!" But, REALLY OT, Roy Clark had the same smile as Daddy.

I found my kid's myspace.com space - it's under jimtheplatypus. My finding it kind of embarassed him no end, so I emailed him and said I wouldn't go there anymore, just write him either snail mail or regular email.

It turns out I have a myspace space, too. I really, REALLY don't fit in. I say in my mind it's because I'm so old, but the teen and twenties me wouldn't have fit in, either. But at least the teen me would've had someone to talk to. Being able to talk to someone without their seeing you is so freeing. They don't have to know you're a gargoyle.

I finished City of Falling Angels by John What'shisname - the guy who wrote Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Ehh. Readable but not interesting to me, but I don't know what to call it - pedestrian?

Have started on Papillon by Henri Charriere - my favorite book in Eighth Grade. True-life adventure, a little social commentary and light years beyond the movie.

If you haven't noticed, I'm kinda reading constantly, not unlike when I was a depressed kid. I can't say I want to die (well....), but living is such a drag. Nobody really believes the SWA job is going to happen - until it does. I do have another job interview tomorrow, but I'm not really interested. I have to do some research on the company today - but it just doesn't seem right for me.

But what the hell do I know? I've been unemployed for two months. My bad days are outnumbering my good days now (riding the ol' kiddy roller coaster of emotion, deep dips but no highs). And healthcare for me is a luxury I can't afford. I get so envious of the Hubby's medicare I can hardly stand it, but I hate feeling that way, because of how the Hubby even gets medicare in the first place. Like the Hubby says, we're in hell.

Two weeks and we'll see.

Two Reviews

I just finished Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond.

A very important precautionary tale, but only providing people pay attention. This is the second book by Jared Diamond I've read. I also read Guns, Germs and Steel. Funny, GG&S took me about a month to read, and I confess, I didn't completely finish it, I got to the last couple of chapters and declared myself done. So finishing Collapse, to me, is a big deal.

If I ever get enough dough to build my dream house, I'm definitely going with what the Hubby calls "the Hippy House": Strawbale infill, though I would prefer either loadbearing strawbale or cob, passive solar design, radiant underfloor heating, bamboo, linoleum or cork flooring, solar power but on grid (so extra goes back to the power co).

I've also finished Bob Kerrey's memoir, forget the name, it's in the living room and I'm in the retreat. A good book, I really can't say great. I wish the Hubby would read it, there's such a correlation to his life, but I doubt he will. While I can't say it's great, I do recommend it.

Weiging in on Birth Control

Yeah, I'm dipping my toes into the political arena. I'm not really good at it. Unlike those to the right. I know how I feel, but I'm not good at expressing it. I'm better at emotions. Hell, I spent alot (alot!!! HA, HA, how about all?) of time navel-gazing. Being introspective may not be interesting, but it's what I do.

But, that said, here I go:

I learned I had epilepsy when I was around 16 (30 years ago! ik!), when I had (what was called then) a grand mal seizure in front of my parents. This is how it was for me: one minute I was laying on the couch watching "The Prince of Central Park" on Channel 9, the next I didn't know where I was, I was strapped down and couldn't move, I may have been hyperventilating, and there was a guy in a blue shirt at my feet telling me to calm down (yeah, that was going to happen). Then I was in the Midwest City Memorial Hospital's Emergency Room with my parents, who were in a state I'd never seen before (and never wanted to see again). OT, they told Mama and Daddy they thought I was on drugs. After that debacle, Mama took me to the family doctor, I had an EEG at what I thought was a mental institution. I remember when he told me, he said I'd have to take these pills. I asked for how long, and it's like his answer echoed in my head: "For the rest of your life." I then knew I had actually had it most of my childhood.

Now we fast forward to around 84/85. A friend at work had a baby (I knitted a beautiful crimson bunting for her). I developed rabid BABY FEVER. I had been taking Dilantin faithfully ever since, but didn't want to risk birth defects. My ob/gyn at the time suggested going off Dilantin about 6 months before I got pregnant to get it out of my system and give me time to see if, and how bad, I have seizures. Well, I didn't quite wait the 6 months, I stopped taking Dilantin in September of 85. No seizures, stopped taking birth control in January 86, and BAM! I was pregnant (again OT, the last time I enjoyed sex with my ex). October 15, 1986, the most beautiful, big, healthy boy on the face of the planet was born (well except for the minor meconium aspiration thing)!

I can't even begin to imagine not taking The Pill during that time period. I can't begin to imagine just leaving it up to fate. Children should be wanted. Parents should be as healthy as possible (hell, I gave up coffee - which my son doesn't believe). Why can't people understand you MAY want to have sex without creating children. Sex is fun. Sex is healthy (yeah, I need to repeat those two over and over again now). I wanted to make sure I was healthy and he had the best environment to grow, both inside and outside of me.

What makes that hard to understand?

What makes that wrong?

I'm Done, Dammit!

I'm done looking for a job. I'm going to do the temp job for Southwest Airlines, and be happy as a clam for 4 months, starting next month. And while nothing may come of it, at least I'll be doing something I like (talking to people without being shy, making reservations instead of pushing something they may not want).

Looking for a job is hard. Especially when you realise you need to do something specifically suited to you - and you don't have a clue as to what that is.

Depression, low self-esteem, and shyness are all counter productive to the job search. I mean, I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out with pliers than do an interview.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Um, alive? Still living in Guthrie? Getting close to older than dirt?

"Tell me about a time where..."

Oh, just kill me now! I don't know! I've worked in call centers for 13 years. Taken hundreds of calls a day! I try not to take my job home. Take Hertz in the summer, there are calls on hold when you get there, and there'll be calls still on hold when you leave. And they're willing to hold so they can talk to a real person, personable and knowledgeable. God forbid the company spring for enough people to be on the phone in the first place. At the end of that day, you hope you made your customers happy, but you're numb. You don't want to do anything, but go home and sit. And I'm supposed to remember specifics? Is my ego supposed to be sooo big, that I (truthfully in my own mind) can say that company is afloat only because of me?

No, that's not me.

I can do any call center job. But it's like I said while I was at Hertz, everywhere else is everywhere else, the only place I'd (it turns out willingly) leave Hertz for is Southwest Airlines. I have that chance, if only for 4 months, and I'm taking it.

Coming Down, Kinda

Don't feel as good as yesterday, or the day before.

I'm trying to get myself into that job-getting mindset I had a month ago. But it's just not there. Target said no, Books-a-Million gave me the brushoff, Dell's just dicking with me, AOL said no (not really sad there), Cingular said no, pretty far down on the register for the state jobs I put in for. I still have the temp job for Southwest Airlines coming up in April for 4 months, but, to a degree, I won't believe I have it until I'm in training. So, I know I should still be looking for a job. I know I desperately need a job, I just don't want to. Like I said, it's just not there. I'd rather do some volunteer work, like teaching people to read. How cool would that be?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Of course, now's about the time I wished I believed more in God. I used to. While I've never had religion (it's what's wrong with the world), I had boatloads of faith(and faith is a beautiful thing). But it's kind of seeped away.

I also wish there were things as psychics, so I could ask them questions, talk to Mama, Daddy, Grandma.

Karma Rocks!

A couple of things. I have now joined the 21st Century - at this moment, I am blogging from H&H Gun Range, while the Hubby blows away paper bad guys (and, yeah, I wouldn't mind blowing away paper bad guys, but, hell, look what I'm doing)! Faster than the crappy-ass dial-up I'm stuck with at home. What I have left now, I guess, is posting pictures, and doing some design work on the look of the blog.

No, I haven't officially got a job yet, but I will be getting natural gas royalties soon, and recieved a little chunk for a pipeline they put in. Like I said, Karma rocks! I was able to pay bills, able to get gas and get the hell out of the house. My niece's son is having a birthday party on Saturday, at my sister's new house. Life is good. And right now, it doesn't matter that I don't have a job. I can breathe, if only for a while.

I've been reading, a LOT, lately. If I can't enjoy my world, I can enjoy someone elses. Reread all my Harry Potter books (and have come to the conclusion that the barman at the Hogs Head is Dumbledore's brother - and Dumbledore knew Snape was going to have to kill him and encouraged it, but I don't know why). I read Maus by Art Spiegelman (WOW, just WOW), 1776 by David McCollough (it just puts you there), A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut, am reading Collapse by Jared Diamond. And in big book news, have finally found the book I foolishly gave away about 15-16 years ago, my favorite book in 8th Grade: Papillon by Henri Chariere. The book that gives us the famed Papillon Effect, in which you always see the movie before reading the book, so you can actually enjoy both. Like I said it was my favorite book, then I learned they were making a movie of it (starring Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman) - movie sucked. But I might have enjoyed it if I hadn't read the book first. Anyway, I'm keeping it forever this time.

I feel GOOD. I even feel like knitting!

Better go, almost out of juice.

One Month

Actually, yesterday was one month.

I may have a temp position with really good pay, but it's not scheduled to start until April 10. I'm now signed up for Food Stamps (which aren't stamps at all, but a debit card). I guess I'm doing ok, but I feel so in limbo.

I'm still twisting in the wind with Dell and Target. Haven't heard yes or no. Of course, not hearing no is kind of a good thing. I'd rather just wait for the temp (it's at one of those places I've wanted to work at a loooong time). Of course, just living on The Hubby's disability is hard. I guess I'm just slightly discouraged.

To Balance out my karma, I gave blood yesterday (O neg). You know when they say to take it easy for a few hours? They're right. I walked the dogs when I got home, but Ziva, the Dachshund puppy wouldn't come in. Then she discovered the grey stray cat that hangs around, and decided to give chase. Telling the dog it wasn't "her cat (Whiskers)" didn't work. Down into the creek with me running behind her, she finally lost the cat. But still wouldn't come to me. Until I started calling, "Here kitty, kitty!" So, by the time I get back to the house, I'm so dizzy, I'm about to pass out. But I did wait until I was in the utility room before I fell down. Now I have a bump on my head, and my karma better be straightened out.