Happy Freakin' Holidays

Ok, I said it, can it be over now?!

I had a job interview for a job I won't get. It kind of reminds me of the horrible anxiety I went through as a kid when taking tests and doing piano recitals (hell itself!). Well piano recitals mainly - I didn't know squat about whatever I took tests on. I never studied. I never did homework. Of course the worst tests were the standardized ones that proved (to me, at least) what a dumbshit I was. Yes, now with the blessing of adult hindsight, I can tell you it wasn't because I was dumb, it was because I didn't try. School was over for me after the Third Grade Debacle.

but on interviews, I DO try, I REALLY DO! To me it's like those Netflik radio ads, except I'm not one of the savvy contestants, I'm completely in the dark. I want to ask, "Is that the right answer? Did I get it?" Can I do the interview in writing?

There is the odd possibility I may get a permanent position at the Christian charitable organization I'm opening mail for. Yeah, the job that bites the big one. But, Hey! I won't have to interview!

I guess I don't even have to say there's no royalty news. Sigh.

And about the Hubby. I'm completely at a loss. I may come home one day soon and find him dead. Or not. I don't actually know any more. He feels like a failure, I tell him he's not, but he doesn't listen to me. His pain is out of control, nothing I can do about that. He's supposed to see a pain guy sometime early next year, but what the hell is he supposed to do that oxy's not doing now?! The Hubby has bad days and worse days, sometime hours.

I don't want my husband to die. I know that's kind of selfish. I'd rather he be here with me and in pain I can't even fathom, than to have his pain relieved in a permanent kind of way. But there's nothing that I can do. Nothing that I can say.

And Christmas. Bites. Blows. Sucks hard. Jimmy is back in Charleston. We don't have any money for presents (and shut up with the "that doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah," it DOES TOO). The mortgage is paid, but my car is behind and gas, electric and phone and cel phone and loan payment are all due (car will be paid). Tomorrow we'll go to the M-in-L's house and listen to the Hubby's blowhard, now lawyer brother and his wife (the Hubby's Ex) talk about how great they are, with the M-in-L eating it up. My sister will probably want us to come over on Christmas day, but geez, me and the Hubby are such downers (losers). I don't want to inflict myself on them.

I Just want it over with. I know I won't get what I want: a nice antidepressant (that works on me) and/or an antianxiety and to be able to pay for it. It would be nice to feel good.

At least I have something to look forward to next month: the KATT blood drive, and the literacy tutor classes.