What The Hell...

...is wrong with me?

I was doing well- relatively happy. I've come to the realization that I hate my job, but what can I do? A call center is a call center is a call center, and I don't have nearly enough (any?) self-esteem to look for something new.

I'm both sad and anxious today. The last thing I want today is to hear from crappy-ass unhappy travelers. Hey, pity me, I don't get to travel at all! Today, I just feel like the rut I'm in is more like a chasm. Yeah, I'm being self-piteous and mopey, so sue me!
My (probably) irrational fears are taking hold:

That I'm going to be fired.
That I might secretly want to be fired.
The big, giant "What Now" if that were to happen (which feed into the self-esteem issues, and the absolute hatred of looking for a new job, which feeds into the self-esteem issues).
Because, being the breadwinner, everything is on me.

Now, I don't mind being the breadwinner, but the old fears from a few years back are still there - when I didn't have enough money for bills, and had to decide whether to pay them (and did I pray for a vicious, cold winter!) or live, when the Jeep was repossessed, the second one of a total of three in my life, (a fun car to drive, but a POS) and then the remainder of the loan garnished from my pay, and birthdays and Christmas were absolute hell.

And right now, I'm about half way through Wicked, but as down as I am, I don't know if I can finish it. Jimmy's reading Life of Pi now.