God Damn!

You would think that with just about everything blocked all to hell at work (internet-wise), that the freakin' thing would run faster.

BUT NOOOO!!! If anything, it's actually slower! And blocking the internet doesn't keep us (me) from screwing off at work. You just have to do the analog version - reading a book (right now Angels & Demons by Dan Brown) or newspaper, doodling, or writing the old fashioned way. And God knows, it's actually better for both the company and me to just let me screw off a little. I am in the death-throes of job burnout. But since I'm the main provider - I'm stuck.

Oh, have now heard horror stories coming from the new Dell call center here in OKC. Reminds me of when I was at Hertz. People left to go to AOL, To Sprint, To Lucent, etc. It was supposed to be soooo much better. The grass is greener, people. A call center is a call center is a call center, ad infinitem.

Anyway, I had a really good session with my therapist Thursday evening. He had given me an article on assertiveness to read. About the different catagories: Passive, Passive-Agressive, Agressive, and Assertive. After reading the article I decided I'm more Passive at home, but Passive-Agressive at work (Who, Me? No, surely you don't mean me?!). And since my passivity at home is based on irrational fears, I have to work on an independent, assertive me. I have to stop all negative thoughts, and turn them into positive ones. When somebody says something negative to me - I tell them I'm not going to take that anymore.

Easily said, hard to do.

Also, since I'm not exactly the biggest risk-taker, as a depressed child I did nothing that I thought would embarrass me, and my parent were always there to pick up the pieces. So I have to take risks now. One thing I've been positively ordered to do - is to start getting the 5 rotating stories out of my head and onto paper. Going to college would be easier for me. The thought of having my stories on paper where anybody can see them, criticize them (me), just scares the hoo out of me. I'm going to try, heck, I have to try. One of my (possibly irrational) fears is, what if they suck? That I like my stories is pointless.

Oooooh, Scary!