Falling into the Donut Hole

Today, I have paid the most, MOST! money I have ever paid for a 30-day prescription: $655.21. That's right, one single prescription, $655.21. Holy crap!!

And I have to give a hearty THANK YOU! to GWB for his Medicare Part D prescription program.

The hubby went on Part D when I was unceremoniously canned from Cendant/Trilegiant/Whateverthehell It Ended Up Being in February 2006. At the same time I had gone to DHS and they put us on a program to cover the Part D copays and premiums. That ended the end of 2007, after I had gotten the job at the old Stillwater Wal-Mart.

First we noticed the premiums, bad, but not horrible. But, hey, that was the cost for the program, right? That's going to cover all of the Hubby's prescriptions, right? Then after the new year, we get these warning letters stating that we're getting close to the "donut hole". What is the "donut hole" you ask? Well, with Part D, or at least the Hubby's Humana, we pay copays up to a certain amount, then we pay all of the next $4,000-odd, then they pony up the rest. Who the hell thought this up?! Who the hell thought this was a good idea?!

Little did I know how much that was. How did I know that one, ONE, prescription was going to be $655.21. So, using the very helpful printout from my wonderful pharmacy, I know that it's going to take roughly the rest of the year to pay off the "hole". At which time, I think, it's starts all over again. I would be nice if the "hole" was a one time thing, but YEARLY?!

I make too much for the low income supplement (although I did reapply today). So the Hubby's vaunted Part D will only pay 2 1/2 months?!! And we're stuck paying THE REST the rest of the year?!

What the hell?!

Just. WHAT. THE. HELL.

None of this makes any fucking sense.

So Much To Do

So, why aren't I doing it?

I feel kind of paralyzed.
I need to be doing laundry. I need to be looking for a pin for my son in his mail. I need to walk the dogs again. I need to be planning the trip to Norfolk, VA to see my son one last time before his ship leaves for Japan. I need to take a library book back. I need go to the drug store and see if the Hubby's 'scrips are ready. I need to be thinking about my future and whether I want it to be with Wally World forever.

None. of. it.

I keep having these things run through my head, but do I write them down? Am I doing it now?

No.

sigh.

Anyway, Randy had the bone spur from hell removed from his right shoulder. Complete pain. Can't use the arm (yet). Have heard horror stories from people at work about similar surgeries gone wrong. How they lost the use of the arm because they didn't have physical therapy.

Hopefully I'm, once again, making a mountain out of a molehill. I do that quite well.

We now have high speed satellite internet. But we didn't get a copy of the paperwork, our printer out of ink. The installer put it into the hubby's laptop, but we can only find something password protected. We got a temp username and password, but they don't work. Why? Well, for some reason they show we have 5 accounts, and they're not sure which account the password works for. What?! Am I paying for 5 accounts? I better not be!! We keep getting, excuse the language, dicked around. Right now I'm no. 2 in the queue for their tech chat. Will I get answers? Well, probably not, but we'll see.

Let's see, while I wait...

Politics: I was a staunch Edwards supporter. So I guess now I'm for Obama, because I can't stand Hillary Clinton. She's just too much like a republican. Too calculating, from the beginning - moving from Arkansas to New York just to run for the senate, which was a springboard for the presidency. Did working for the public good factor into any of this?

And Wow!! the Bush years were sooo GREAT!! We just want to continue same ol', same ol' with McCain!!

Didn't we learn from Nixon that dirty tricks, while maybe effective, is BAD?!

At what point is selling your soul for the office you seek, ok?

Why is being nice wrong?

chatting now, got to go. Oh, and the children ( the dogs) need to go potty.

Kiss My Ass, Cap One

Did I tell you I got a new oil lease? Well I did. I'm not as happy as I was in 2005. But I think that's more a screwup in my head than anything. Because I should be, it maybe only temporary, but I should enjoy it while I have it.

Anyway, I've had problems making my car payment since being unemployed. And as a shy person, I'm easily cowed by the calls and the pressure. My son helped me bring it up to date once, but it got behind again before I started at Wally World. They wanted me to make him do that again. I said no. They want me to pay either over the phone or through Western Union. I said no. They're threatening me with repossession, even though I may be behind, I pay what I can and regularly. Well all that ends. IT ENDS. I wasn't actually planning to pay off the car with my windfall, but they're pissing me off. So. I called them. I asked what the payoff is (waaay too much for my POS), and I'm sending them a check on Monday. Then my POS will be MY POS.

yay!

Hopefully, I can save a chunk of it this time. At least to pay the taxes on it next year. I don't really want anything. I'd like to travel. I'd like to see my friends again. I HATE losing track of people. And I have a lifetime of that. My sister seems to keep in touch with all of her old friends. I'd like to have a party. A LOUD party. A loud, rockin', raucous party! One that guarantees the dog woman next door would call the sheriff.
Seriously cool.

The Hubby starts his couselling today. Hurray!! I hope something will come from it. I guess it would be too much to ask for to have him let go of his past.

Not much is going on in my life. I'm getting an assload of money any day now, but, as I've said before, it's not making me happy, the opposite in fact. My job is secure, but it still seems weird to be going backwards in my "career". And I DO mean "career" loosely, I've never really done anything that suited me, I've always just had "jobs". I mean I don't know what I was supposed to do when I grew up. Is it too late? I'd like to go to college, but I don't have a head for math. Can I cherry pick the classes I take (which I would have the money for only this year)? I'd like to travel, but I don't have a reliable car (and, again, I'd only have money this year). I'd like to be on The Amazing Race (with David from Cendant), and on the View, but let's face it, I'm a shy, quiet nobody from nowheresville, Oklahoma. I'm 48 years old, and I feel life is passing me by, and it royally pisses me off.

Well, dogs want to potty. I'd better go.

Has It Been Two Whole Months?

Geez, where has the time (and my energy) gone?
I'm still cashiering at the old Stillwater Wally World. I got to see firsthand an after Thanksgiving sale. I had never bothered with them as a consumer. It was really interesting to watch. There were some good buys. I was an extra cashier in Jewelry. I had a 5am to 2pm shift that day. It was just kind of freaky to see how many people were waiting for the sales to start. It seemed to me that it wasn't as busy as it should have been, and that was confirmed by others who'd worked previous "blitzes".
I don't get on the internet as much as I would like to. Free time, slow computer, and dialup internet service seem to be conspiring against me. And I know I need to write more, but it's like it's not there, it's slipping away.
Randy is the same. He signed up for (hopefully) a Part C gap insurance so he can get the surgeries he needs this year. Starting with his shoulders bone spurs. And then maybe hip replacements. Oh and starting next week he'll be seeing a counselor for his depression (yay!!).
Me? I still don't seem to have much of a life. I think I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm getting some more oil lease money (more than last time!) just after the new year. But instead of making me happy (like last time), I'm just apprehensive. I'm not sure if I should pay off my car. I know I'll be able, finally, to pay the taxes on 2005, and hopefully put back enough to pay this years. But, this time, I don't think it's going to make a difference in my life. I can't move. I can't get a new car. I can't really do anything with it. Whatever I do, It'll be gone before I'm ready, and then I'll just go back to the way it was before. My life - in shades of grey. I want color, but I'm not sure how to do that.

I'm not a hell of alot happier, but I'm not much sadder, either. The Hubby continues his downward spiral. Nothing I can do about it. He doesn't listen to me. It's like I don't exist. I wish I had friends. I wish there were some masochistic people who read this tripe. I could use readers.

Up and Down on the Mini-Coaster!!

First off, even though nobody reads this, I wish Tbogg and extended Cali family well. Just remember, stuff is stuff, as long as family is safe, stuff can be replaced.

My life is the same. Birthday sucked. BIG. But now I'm 48 and trying to get used to it. I still feel like life has passed me by. I had always thought I was meant for something, something big. What was that?! Cashiering at Wal-Mart (not that there's anything wrong with that, I actually LIKE the job)? I still feel like I'm meant to do (be) something else. What are the things I'm passionate about? Well, reading to children. And not crap (which is my one gripe about my store). And don't act like reading's a chore. If you don't like to read, why should your children. Find something you'll both enjoy, then reading it over and over won't be a hassle. And read different books and stories, a real variety. I read The Hobbit to my son when he was in First Grade, it took about 3 months (and first he griped that the book had to have pictures, then when I found a book with pictures, he griped that the pictures were wrong). And I still have the, like, 5 stories whirling around in my head. I try to put them on paper, and they sound stilted and trite. I don't have a clue as to how to get them out of my head the way they are in my head. Does that make sense? And I'd love to travel, but that requires money.

The Hubby. sigh. Sincerely needs counseling, but again requires money. I didn't know self-pity could reach such depths. And I just cannot relate. I don't know anybody with arthritis as bad as him. I wish I did. Especially if they're still happy. Knock some sense into the Hubby.

I don't feel to bad today. I never feel great. My life isn't too bad. I just wish I had something fulfilling to do. I am knitting again - an (well at some future point) afghan made of mitred corner squares, Pretty and easy. Keeping myself into it has been a chore.

And let's just not talk about the M-in-L. I feel okay today.

The Hubby alternates between wanting to die and having no reason to live.

What do I do? What CAN I do?

This is making me sick.

Oh, wait, ha ha, that was a joke, right? I don't have insurance yet. I can't get sick.

He's going to the orthopedic guy next Wednesday to get the shoulder shots that don't work. I think he should just go ahead and the scraping done - it may not be forever, but will last longer than the shot. Arthritis really sucks.

Oh the M-in-L says she's going to pay for a new engine for the Tahoe. yay. One more thing to be beholden to her.

Tired, So Tired, So Damn Tired

New news, (I think): Stepson Jason lost his job at a wireless companies call center (not counting when his attendance fell off).

My husband's car needs a new engine. Of course, I'd 've thought a, like, 3-year-old, Jasper engine with less that 25,000 miles on it would still be pretty new. I'd never consider the noise his '95 Tahoe was making was his NEW engine going out! Unfortately, the warranty (only for a year or 16,000 miles) expired last year. but, again, I'd 've thought that the company would stand behind it's product and would want to know why an engine went out so soon when it was babied (hell, the Hubby now drives like an old man), but no. And that's on top of needing his four-wheel-drive fixed.

I just got 2 of the 4 new tires I need. Of course, they're just going to go bad as fast as the previous tires (none orginal), since I need struts, and possibly another alignment.

Since I just got paid, we got a tire for Jimmy's old Honda (an '86 or so Accord that runs better than my '02 Kia), so the Hubby's going to bring the tag up to date and get insurance for it and drive it until the money falls from the sky to fix the Tahoe. Oh and it needs a power steering pump and a radio (the latter stolen at Ouail Springs Mall). But, I guess, those are quibbles.

I just don't know what to say about the hubby. He's in pain. He's suicidal. To me, he's done more in his life than I've even thought about. To him, it's all failure in the past, and pain in the future. I'm at my wit's end. I wish money would fall out of the sky. I wish we would win the powerball.

Oh, and I'm behind on my car payment by $905.

I guess I could use some of that money falling out of the sky.

Today is a down day. In a month, I'll turn 48 (ik), and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. There are things I wanted to do and things I wanted to see and it seems all of it costs money. I'd like slightly more hours than they're giving me at work, but lack the nerve (resolve?) to ask for it.

Politics seems to be rearing it's ugly head at home. Me and the Hubby are 180 degrees apart.

sigh.

SCREAM!! And Scream Again

My stepson got fired today from the Cingular job he's had for a few years. This sent Randy down the pipes, since he had phone service on his son's employee plan. Then, of course, he goes over EVERY concievable wrong EVER in his life. God is against him... He ought to die....

He needs to be in the hospital. And NOT because of his bones! I'm tired of it. It's not my fault. There's nothing I can do about it. I just have to endure it, because nobody listens to me. I'm the moron of the family. Granted, Medicare pays jacks**t on mental health, but then what healthcare plan, insurance, etc. DOES?!

Things have to change for the better.

PLEASE?!

Oh, and in an open letter to Owen Wilson:

Dear Mr. Wilson,

Heard about your hospital stay (who hasn't). But I think you should have been in the Psych Ward with the rest of the public, instead of locked away in a cushy, private room. Please, hear me out. In September, 2005, I had my own "suicidal gesture", and spent 4-5 days in St. Anthony's Hospital, downtown OKC. It was an eye opener. Of course at first my thought was, "These guys are CRAZY!" Then, as I got to know them, I realized their problems weren't that different from mine. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone.
Your family certainly cares for you, but if they've never had any type of mental illness, they just don't know how to react. Then you may end up feeling bad for feeling bad. Been there, done that - not good. Also not good - illicit drugs to make you feel better. Take the meds your doctor prescribes, if it doesn't work, try another one. I've been on lots of different anti-depressants. I'm not on one right now (and probably should be), but I won't be eligible for health insurance until the end of next month.
You need to know you're not alone.
You are not alone.

Take Care,
Ms. Not Together

I want to MOVE

Away. From. Here.

I'm tired of MethLab Estates. I'm tired of dogs running loose.

Why? The proverbial straw?

Monday Morning. Of course Bubba starts moaning (mooing?) to go potty. I get up at around 5:30 am and take the dogs, Bubba, Cletus and Ziva out to potty and let out the cat, Whiskers (stupid name, but I got him about 10 years ago a year old and already named). Whiskers stays outside.

Sometime around or after 6:00 am I hear Whiskers screaming. I run outside but I don't see him right away. I DO see a medium sized dog, and I'm pretty sure it was the brindle pit bull from across the street running away. All of a sudden, Whiskers falls out of a tree. Not bleeding, but spitty and with obvious internal injuries. It looks like it's just a back leg. I think (hope) he'll recover. I'm sure he'll be ok.

But damn! My beloved Wickers!! Attacked in his own yard! MY OWN YARD!! And if I had gotten out there sooner, it could've been me! I called the sheriff (at the Hubby's insistence), but was told since we live outside of town and there's no law against loose dogs, and no county animal control there was nothing he could do. He did advise if we were threaten by any animal in our own yard -- shoot it.

So this is your warning. Your stupid-ass loose dog, the one you have no control over, the one not spade or neutered, the one without any vaccinations - comes into my yard again, threatening me and mine - it's DEAD!! YOU HEAR ME!!

Another reason I'm sick of not having money.

Life Lessons You Never Think You Have to Say

Don't go out without pants or shoes. Picking up the paper in your underwear is (well, gross enough) one thing, but getting groceries at the store is another. If someone needs to tell you to put on clothes before you go out, maybe you shouldn't go out.

Checking out customers on Monday, close to the end of my day. I get an older dude (my age or older), reminding me roughly of David Crosby. Wearing a long, dirty, white t-shirt. First I notice he's not wearing shoes (disgusting!), then (scanning up, I guess) I notice he's NOT WEARING PANTS!! This is one of those times where being quiet and introverted comes in handy. I finish checking him out, I give him his bags, I may have told him to have a good day.

Then I (quietly) freaked out. A Supervisor tried to tell me they were bike shorts. No Way!!! I know the difference. Thank God my day was almost over.

Needed to Vent

Today I feel kind of down. I know, it's kind of a same ol', same ol' sort of thing. It gets me thinking about the books I'd like to write, but probably won't because I'm not talented enough. Having the stories in your head just isn't enough.

I'd like to be able to pay off my car (hell, make a car payment even!). I'd like me and the Hubby to travel while he can still move (his orthopedic doctors say he needs both hips replaced and bone spurs scraped off his shoulders). I'd just like not to worry all the time. But the main things I worry about are the Hubby and Money. I keep thinking if we could just do things together, travel, whatever, then maybe that'll take his mind off his pain and his future. That requires money. I think I'll be able to make a car payment this week (I get paid), but I'm about 2 months behind and (possibly irrationally) freak out with every truck noise that passes.

It's like all I do is work. Work, go home, work, go home, work, go home, maybe get on the internet (which, also, isn't as much fun as it used to be), watch tv (no cable, no dish), sleep, repeat. It's killing me. This just doesn't feel like a life.

Thank you for letting me vent. Oh, who am I kidding?! Nobody reads this!

I Just Finished...

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

I cried.

I cried and cried and cried.

OMG, what a GREAT book!!!

One More Thing You Should NOT Have to Say to Your Dog

Bubba!! Get your nose out of my butt!!

Once again, I'm at the point where I feel competent, alive and ready at work, but worthless and useless at home.

Geez, how I hate myself! I know, it's all I write about, but it kind of consumes me. I guess that's the way depression is.

You know depression is treatable?

Well, duh! You know I don't have either available money or health insurance?!

Right now, I don't feel there is really, REALLY a point to me being alive!!

First, Things You Shouldn't Have to Say to Your Dog:

Ziva! Put down that rabbit rearend!! (and yes, it was JUST the back half of the dearly departed bunny)

Second, I'd call it an update, but nothing's really changed:

I'm still working at Wally World, actually kind of like it (weird!), not looking for anything better, higher paying, more fulfilling, etc. I'm done.

Maybe someday I'll actually write one of my 5 or so stories.

The shot's Randy had in his shoulders are no longer working - though he can't have any more for another two months. They're suggesting, well I don't know what it's called, but it amounts to scraping the bone spurs off his shoulders. Oh, and now they've seen xrays of his hips, and are suggesting replacements (for both! but not at the same time). To stave off replacements he went to Mercy today and got steroid shots in both hips. We'll see if that does anything. He's still really down, feeling there's not much life to live. I don't blame him - constant pain, arthritis in every part of his skeleton. And not enough money to do things that might take his mind off of his pain.

My son is now on his ship, or at least at the base where his ship is. We had a good time while he was here. Although, I did learn he smokes. IKK!! Right now just very occasionally. But my mother smoked like a chimney and it eventually killed her, so NO, I don't like it. My wanting my son to be his own man, and not beholding to me or his dad, has come back to bite me on the rear. Oh well, hopefully he'll come to his senses soon enough. Other than that, he's a great guy! Took me out several times! Bought me stuff! Wow! just Wow!

Anyway, I think animals want to potty, so I'll be off. I can't be here often, but I'm not giving up.

I tanked at yet another interview, for a job that paid more money, but I wasn't sure I wanted anyway. But see, whether I wanted it or not isn't the point. The point is I suck at interviews. The point is I wanted to be the one to tell them "no".

I'm going to be at WalMart forever. And, yeah, I know that's not necessarily a bad thing. But I'm not going to have time or money to travel. My son's out on leave now, before going to his ship in Norfolk, VA. But it's actual duty station is in Japan. So, unless things change for the better, the month I have with him now, is going to be it for a long, long time.

Oh, the M-in-L took over the checkbook when I boogered it up (again). Sigh. That's me. An incompetent moron.
How did I get such a great son?

Cashiering at WalMart hasn't been that bad. I've almost gotten used to standing all day. I've got another interview coming up, also.

So I should be happy. So why aren't I? I'm so anxious I feel like I could explode. And sad, too. Not a suicidal depression, just a sort-of life-is-worthless-I-am-worthless kind of thing.

I think it's money. I still can't bring my utilities and car payment up to date. Well, no reason to rehash old problems.