Hertz said "No, you can't come back here, you stupid, little woman. We don't want people like you." I'm paraphrasing.

I tried to explain my problems with depression and social anxiety keeping me from filling out their stupid form. That I didn't want to quit (well, without having meaningful employment). That life post-Hertz has been kinda crappy.

Didn't matter. I didn't give any notice when I quit.

And that's that.

As to what I do know, I don't have a clue. Right now I don't think I could make any kind of decision if my life depended on it. I can't trust myself to make it right.

Well, I may be really down on myself right now, but I'm still not crying. That's something. And I really didn't want to go back to Hertz. Beyond August 11, I need to be doing something. But right now, I feel like one of those dandelion seeds you blow off the puff, being blown along with the wind. Where will I land? And will I germinate?

Not In the Mood To Blog...

But, hey, I'm not crying!

Of course my period started and that could be part of the reason I reacted as I did.

The answer is....


no. No matter how well I am doing the job at this moment (and let me tell ya, I ROCK), I am not good enough for a permanent position at Southwest Airlines. Buuuuttt, I can apply again in six months!!! YAY!!

And now, it's a little hard to go to work. To top it off, they're offering more hours, up to 37.5 for the week until the end of the assignment. Since I kinda do need the money, I do the extended hours, even if my entire existence wants to say, "Screw you!"

I've heard tell you can't go home again, but that's exactly what I've attempted: I went back to Hertz last week and put in an app. I didn't get fired the first time out, I quit. And I didn't really want to quit, either. I just wanted the time off to settle my head, having finally crashed in June of 2000, after my mother's death in February of 1999. But it was like I was locked inside myself at the time, unable to tell my (then) doctor I needed more than 2 weeks off (aside - I had been off of work by then for about 3months, first I didn't get the form from work for the short-term disability, then when I got the replacement, the (then) doc only put down two weeks), and also unable to explain to Hertz Hoohahs that it wasn't money, I just wanted the time off and then was ready to go back to work. I had myself in a tight little box. I officially quit in October of 2000. If I had had the foresight to put 2 weeks in the future on that form, all this would be a moot point.

So. Now I am yet again at the point where I am to "THINK POSITIVELY". Kind of a foreign concept to me. But I am trying. The problem being getting a job and doing said job are entirely different skills. One I have not at all, the other I have out the ass. I'm almost at a point where I don't think I can get any job.

Hertz, give me a chance!! I did a great job, before my mother died. I never wanted to quit, I just wanted the time off! You know I can do the job!! Let me prove it!!

Still Being Punk'd by God

A week ago, after posting, I got the phone interview. I thought I did well, I thought I explained my firing by being honest, and explaining my problems with depression. Her last words to me were that I would either be called to schedule the in person, in depth interview or I would get the thanks, but no thanks letter.

I still haven't gotten the thanks, but no thanks letter, but everybody else who was in my training class got an interview scheduled right then on the phone. I was crushed. ok. My psyche was fragile enough already. So, except for when I was on the phone with customers, I been, pretty much, crying constantly. It's not a perfect job, I understand that. There are things about it which I don't like, low starting pay, few holidays, no mute button, no putting customers on hold unless you're calling a CSR. I liked it, and I was good at it.

Now they're telling me that I should be optimistic, that I don't know what's going to happen. Well, I do know that they're considering temps from other cities, whose center isn't hiring over me. Oh, they just called so-and-so just today (Friday), they can still call you. Keep doing a good job. have a good attitude.

God, I could scream. I can't be optimistic, I'm. A. Depressive!!!! I've had 3 major depressions in the last 3 years, each one worse. Life has no meaning for me. Yet I'm supposed to pull happy thoughts out of my butt?!

I guess I can kind of see their point. People who've never had a major depression just don't understand. It's supposed to be so easy to keep a positive outlook. They don't know any other way.
Well. Neither do I.

I can't chase rainbows. With the Hubby on disability, everything is on my shoulders. This means I have to, yet again, start looking for a job. A permanent job. And I hate looking for a job, I'm not good at it. I really suck at interviews, yet here I go again.


Maniacal laughter ensues.

Yes, I had to go through the whole rigamarole for SWA, posting resume online, and such, even though I'm already in the building, already doing the job. I did it. I decided I'd jump through their hoops. I understand what I'm in for, lousy hours, midweek days off, mandatory overtime, having to work the few official holidays, I'm game for that. I like the company, and I like what I'm doing. Yes. My sanity may be in question.

I get a note from my temp agency saying I'm going to be called in the next two days between 3:30 and 8:00 pm to schedule an interview. Wasn't called Wednesday or Thursday, and by Friday I was getting antsy. Friday I was given a packet to fill out, application, drug and felony junk, so still feeling like I'm jumping through their hoop, but maybe getting somewhere.

Now it's Saturday, still haven't been called for the interview (and, yes, DAMN IT, I'm already doing the job, why do I have to jump through the same hoops as Joe Nobody off the street?!), still need to finish filling out the app junk.

This is making me CRAZY. I want THIS JOB. I'm damn good at it. I actually enjoy it. But it doesn't do my shakey sanity any good to have my head messed with this way.

Any way.

My husband still hasn't checked himself into SHARE and St Anthony's yet. He did, however, find out that Medicare only pays 50% for mental health, so that kind of screws us. He doesn't just need anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills thrown at him, he needs therapy, too. Damn.

Part of me says he should just go ahead and do it, and just not pay the bill. That actually kind of works for me. Medicare is supposed to be there for him, all of him. I've had lots of doctor and hospital bills from the last year or so. The copays I couldn't pay used to bug the crap out of me. Was, in fact, one of my anxiety hot buttons. The last time I was in therapy, aside from learning I couldn't control my husbands feelings, was I'm not going to worry about those bills. Should I pay them? Yeah, but they're not the priority, that's the mortgage, car payment, utilities, last years taxes (yike). What?! Are they going to make my credit WORSE?!

HA, HA, HA, HA, HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh, god! Now that's funny!

So Out of the Loop...

Is Corndog back yet?


I guess that's a no. Anyway, still temping at Southwest, which MAY become permanent, but I don't want to jynx it. Even though it's crazy busy, I love every minute of it! My mind is trying to make me go on my kiddie rollercoaster again, but so far I'm resisting. I still think I may be bipolar II.

Jimmy was supposed to come home on leave tonight, but his flight out of Charleston was delayed past his connecting flight in Houston. Now it's tomorrow afternoon. Arrgh!

The Hubby needs the 4 days I had in the Booby Hatch last September, but will he? NOOOOO! Too proud, don't need it, don't have the money (true), blah, blah, blah. The one thing I DID learn the past September, his feelings are HIS FEELINGS. Understand he's in constant pain. Understand he's only going to get worse. But the feeling sorry for himself, annoys the piss out of me. He's better than that.

Since I've been busy, not to mention happy, I haven't been paying much attention to the news. Have we gotten rid of Bush, et al, and the rest of the Borg party yet?

Seems Like Forever

...since I've been here. First, let's have a moment of silence for Corndog's taking his huge talent home. I understand the motive, but the selfish brat (not that far down) in me just thinks it's sooo unfair.



Ok, really not much to say. Still temping at SouthWest Airlines. It's busier than sin - and I love it!! It may prove to be permanent, but I won't say more just yet, I don't want to jynx it.

The Hubby is in more pain than ever, but all I can do is sit back and watch.

My son has finished his first round of classes at Charleston and will be coming home on leave Friday. YAAY!!

And that's it!! I haven't had a whole lot of time to be on the internet, so I'm way behind. But, damn, I like being happy, being employed, and being happily employed.

later...

I'm Being Punk'd by God

That's kind of the way it feels.

My celphone display went on the fritz, so now I have a loaner from the M-in-L with my simcard in it.

My paycheck wasn't direct deposited on Friday like it was supposed to. One of the few times I was glad my M-in-L, who works at our bank, snooped into our account. I called my temp agency. They would look into it they said and get back to me. Later, while I'm walking the dogs (or, more likely, they're walking me) in the back-back, I hear something ringing. Sounds like some celphone, close but not real close. So, after looking around, I realize it's MY celphone. My temp agency tells me I was at the bottom of a list and didn't get processed. OOPS!! You'll get your pay by Tuesday.

Well, yay. I guess I didn't need it anyway. It's not like my car payment, the electricity bill, the natural gas bill, the phone bill are late!! Oh, wait...

And the Hubby isn't doing so good. Pain is overwhelming, depression almost at a breaking point, and I get to sit back and watch.

One good thing is my job, temporary as it is. I start on the phones Monday morning. I'm anxious and excited at the same time!! I was declared class Valedictorian, and given a really cute ceramic Southwest jet that holds paperclips, now in a place of honor on our entertainment center.

I tell people I'm going to do the best job that I can, as long as it lasts, and worry about August (the scheduled end date) in August. But who am I kidding? I'm going to love my job and expect it to go on forever and be crushed when it doesn't.

I'm being punk'd by God.

Not much to say.

I am temping now at Southwest Airlines, still in training but it's freakin' great!!

But I come home and crash. All of the worthless feelings seep back in. I may have gotten my first check, but it paid my mortgage. Normally the Hubbys Social Security check pays for it but I had to get car insurance (having lapsed the two months I was unemployed). My car payment will be my next check. Hopefully, I can some, if not all of the gas bill, phone bill and electric with the check after that. and it's starts all over again.

Right now, I'm drowning!

If I can get to work Monday afternoon, I'll be ok, I guess.

Odd Thoughts

Bubba's period of mourning (our late lamented Cooter) may be over. Finally. He's acting happier, eating more, and eating up our hugs.

Cletus is finally starting to blend in with Bubba and Ziva, he's actually wanting to play with Bubba sometimes! That freaks Bubba out kinda, but it's a slow process.

Ziva's potty training is excruciatingly slow. You still have to put her outside after she wakes up from a nap, but her pottying outside is kind of hit and miss, going outside is too much of an adventure (other dogs to bark at, cats to chase) and she forgets the reason she's actually outside.

I've been really, really sad lately. "Life's not worth living" sad. I'm trying to hang on, but it's so difficult. I know I have the SWA temp job starting next Monday. I have an orientation meeting tomorrow. I just don't believe it's going to happen. And even if it does, IT'S JUST A TEMP JOB. I'll have to go through this hell all over again in August.

I'll be sending my tax return off sans payment. Yeah, bad news, but I have no money. Yeah, I should've saved when I had it, but I didn't. So I screwed myself.

I really HATE myself. I am such a loser.

Anyway, finished Papillion, read the Hobbit (for, like, the thousandth time) and found three books cleaning out Jimmy's car: 2 Stephen King Dark Tower books (1 and 2 oddly enough), and Dostoyevsky's Brothers Karamozov. So I'm toying with Dostoyevsky right now. If anybody reads this: is Brothers Karamozov a book for a seriously depressed person to read? I really need to be in somebody elses world.

Cryin' Time Again

To borrow a phrase from the late, great Buck Owens. Ya know, Hee Haw was the Energizer Bunny of it's day - it went seemlessly from CBS to syndication, and all the while it was on I'd just cringe and ask myself, "Are they ever going to cancel this?!" But, REALLY OT, Roy Clark had the same smile as Daddy.

I found my kid's myspace.com space - it's under jimtheplatypus. My finding it kind of embarassed him no end, so I emailed him and said I wouldn't go there anymore, just write him either snail mail or regular email.

It turns out I have a myspace space, too. I really, REALLY don't fit in. I say in my mind it's because I'm so old, but the teen and twenties me wouldn't have fit in, either. But at least the teen me would've had someone to talk to. Being able to talk to someone without their seeing you is so freeing. They don't have to know you're a gargoyle.

I finished City of Falling Angels by John What'shisname - the guy who wrote Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Ehh. Readable but not interesting to me, but I don't know what to call it - pedestrian?

Have started on Papillon by Henri Charriere - my favorite book in Eighth Grade. True-life adventure, a little social commentary and light years beyond the movie.

If you haven't noticed, I'm kinda reading constantly, not unlike when I was a depressed kid. I can't say I want to die (well....), but living is such a drag. Nobody really believes the SWA job is going to happen - until it does. I do have another job interview tomorrow, but I'm not really interested. I have to do some research on the company today - but it just doesn't seem right for me.

But what the hell do I know? I've been unemployed for two months. My bad days are outnumbering my good days now (riding the ol' kiddy roller coaster of emotion, deep dips but no highs). And healthcare for me is a luxury I can't afford. I get so envious of the Hubby's medicare I can hardly stand it, but I hate feeling that way, because of how the Hubby even gets medicare in the first place. Like the Hubby says, we're in hell.

Two weeks and we'll see.

Two Reviews

I just finished Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond.

A very important precautionary tale, but only providing people pay attention. This is the second book by Jared Diamond I've read. I also read Guns, Germs and Steel. Funny, GG&S took me about a month to read, and I confess, I didn't completely finish it, I got to the last couple of chapters and declared myself done. So finishing Collapse, to me, is a big deal.

If I ever get enough dough to build my dream house, I'm definitely going with what the Hubby calls "the Hippy House": Strawbale infill, though I would prefer either loadbearing strawbale or cob, passive solar design, radiant underfloor heating, bamboo, linoleum or cork flooring, solar power but on grid (so extra goes back to the power co).

I've also finished Bob Kerrey's memoir, forget the name, it's in the living room and I'm in the retreat. A good book, I really can't say great. I wish the Hubby would read it, there's such a correlation to his life, but I doubt he will. While I can't say it's great, I do recommend it.

Weiging in on Birth Control

Yeah, I'm dipping my toes into the political arena. I'm not really good at it. Unlike those to the right. I know how I feel, but I'm not good at expressing it. I'm better at emotions. Hell, I spent alot (alot!!! HA, HA, how about all?) of time navel-gazing. Being introspective may not be interesting, but it's what I do.

But, that said, here I go:

I learned I had epilepsy when I was around 16 (30 years ago! ik!), when I had (what was called then) a grand mal seizure in front of my parents. This is how it was for me: one minute I was laying on the couch watching "The Prince of Central Park" on Channel 9, the next I didn't know where I was, I was strapped down and couldn't move, I may have been hyperventilating, and there was a guy in a blue shirt at my feet telling me to calm down (yeah, that was going to happen). Then I was in the Midwest City Memorial Hospital's Emergency Room with my parents, who were in a state I'd never seen before (and never wanted to see again). OT, they told Mama and Daddy they thought I was on drugs. After that debacle, Mama took me to the family doctor, I had an EEG at what I thought was a mental institution. I remember when he told me, he said I'd have to take these pills. I asked for how long, and it's like his answer echoed in my head: "For the rest of your life." I then knew I had actually had it most of my childhood.

Now we fast forward to around 84/85. A friend at work had a baby (I knitted a beautiful crimson bunting for her). I developed rabid BABY FEVER. I had been taking Dilantin faithfully ever since, but didn't want to risk birth defects. My ob/gyn at the time suggested going off Dilantin about 6 months before I got pregnant to get it out of my system and give me time to see if, and how bad, I have seizures. Well, I didn't quite wait the 6 months, I stopped taking Dilantin in September of 85. No seizures, stopped taking birth control in January 86, and BAM! I was pregnant (again OT, the last time I enjoyed sex with my ex). October 15, 1986, the most beautiful, big, healthy boy on the face of the planet was born (well except for the minor meconium aspiration thing)!

I can't even begin to imagine not taking The Pill during that time period. I can't begin to imagine just leaving it up to fate. Children should be wanted. Parents should be as healthy as possible (hell, I gave up coffee - which my son doesn't believe). Why can't people understand you MAY want to have sex without creating children. Sex is fun. Sex is healthy (yeah, I need to repeat those two over and over again now). I wanted to make sure I was healthy and he had the best environment to grow, both inside and outside of me.

What makes that hard to understand?

What makes that wrong?

I'm Done, Dammit!

I'm done looking for a job. I'm going to do the temp job for Southwest Airlines, and be happy as a clam for 4 months, starting next month. And while nothing may come of it, at least I'll be doing something I like (talking to people without being shy, making reservations instead of pushing something they may not want).

Looking for a job is hard. Especially when you realise you need to do something specifically suited to you - and you don't have a clue as to what that is.

Depression, low self-esteem, and shyness are all counter productive to the job search. I mean, I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out with pliers than do an interview.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Um, alive? Still living in Guthrie? Getting close to older than dirt?

"Tell me about a time where..."

Oh, just kill me now! I don't know! I've worked in call centers for 13 years. Taken hundreds of calls a day! I try not to take my job home. Take Hertz in the summer, there are calls on hold when you get there, and there'll be calls still on hold when you leave. And they're willing to hold so they can talk to a real person, personable and knowledgeable. God forbid the company spring for enough people to be on the phone in the first place. At the end of that day, you hope you made your customers happy, but you're numb. You don't want to do anything, but go home and sit. And I'm supposed to remember specifics? Is my ego supposed to be sooo big, that I (truthfully in my own mind) can say that company is afloat only because of me?

No, that's not me.

I can do any call center job. But it's like I said while I was at Hertz, everywhere else is everywhere else, the only place I'd (it turns out willingly) leave Hertz for is Southwest Airlines. I have that chance, if only for 4 months, and I'm taking it.

Coming Down, Kinda

Don't feel as good as yesterday, or the day before.

I'm trying to get myself into that job-getting mindset I had a month ago. But it's just not there. Target said no, Books-a-Million gave me the brushoff, Dell's just dicking with me, AOL said no (not really sad there), Cingular said no, pretty far down on the register for the state jobs I put in for. I still have the temp job for Southwest Airlines coming up in April for 4 months, but, to a degree, I won't believe I have it until I'm in training. So, I know I should still be looking for a job. I know I desperately need a job, I just don't want to. Like I said, it's just not there. I'd rather do some volunteer work, like teaching people to read. How cool would that be?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Of course, now's about the time I wished I believed more in God. I used to. While I've never had religion (it's what's wrong with the world), I had boatloads of faith(and faith is a beautiful thing). But it's kind of seeped away.

I also wish there were things as psychics, so I could ask them questions, talk to Mama, Daddy, Grandma.

Karma Rocks!

A couple of things. I have now joined the 21st Century - at this moment, I am blogging from H&H Gun Range, while the Hubby blows away paper bad guys (and, yeah, I wouldn't mind blowing away paper bad guys, but, hell, look what I'm doing)! Faster than the crappy-ass dial-up I'm stuck with at home. What I have left now, I guess, is posting pictures, and doing some design work on the look of the blog.

No, I haven't officially got a job yet, but I will be getting natural gas royalties soon, and recieved a little chunk for a pipeline they put in. Like I said, Karma rocks! I was able to pay bills, able to get gas and get the hell out of the house. My niece's son is having a birthday party on Saturday, at my sister's new house. Life is good. And right now, it doesn't matter that I don't have a job. I can breathe, if only for a while.

I've been reading, a LOT, lately. If I can't enjoy my world, I can enjoy someone elses. Reread all my Harry Potter books (and have come to the conclusion that the barman at the Hogs Head is Dumbledore's brother - and Dumbledore knew Snape was going to have to kill him and encouraged it, but I don't know why). I read Maus by Art Spiegelman (WOW, just WOW), 1776 by David McCollough (it just puts you there), A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut, am reading Collapse by Jared Diamond. And in big book news, have finally found the book I foolishly gave away about 15-16 years ago, my favorite book in 8th Grade: Papillon by Henri Chariere. The book that gives us the famed Papillon Effect, in which you always see the movie before reading the book, so you can actually enjoy both. Like I said it was my favorite book, then I learned they were making a movie of it (starring Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman) - movie sucked. But I might have enjoyed it if I hadn't read the book first. Anyway, I'm keeping it forever this time.

I feel GOOD. I even feel like knitting!

Better go, almost out of juice.

One Month

Actually, yesterday was one month.

I may have a temp position with really good pay, but it's not scheduled to start until April 10. I'm now signed up for Food Stamps (which aren't stamps at all, but a debit card). I guess I'm doing ok, but I feel so in limbo.

I'm still twisting in the wind with Dell and Target. Haven't heard yes or no. Of course, not hearing no is kind of a good thing. I'd rather just wait for the temp (it's at one of those places I've wanted to work at a loooong time). Of course, just living on The Hubby's disability is hard. I guess I'm just slightly discouraged.

To Balance out my karma, I gave blood yesterday (O neg). You know when they say to take it easy for a few hours? They're right. I walked the dogs when I got home, but Ziva, the Dachshund puppy wouldn't come in. Then she discovered the grey stray cat that hangs around, and decided to give chase. Telling the dog it wasn't "her cat (Whiskers)" didn't work. Down into the creek with me running behind her, she finally lost the cat. But still wouldn't come to me. Until I started calling, "Here kitty, kitty!" So, by the time I get back to the house, I'm so dizzy, I'm about to pass out. But I did wait until I was in the utility room before I fell down. Now I have a bump on my head, and my karma better be straightened out.

I'm Worried About the Hubby

No, it's more like, I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE HUBBY!!!

After the initial shock, I'm actually ok. Heck, it'll just be another bill I can't pay.

Wish me luck with Dell, the Library Tech job with the state (which I'd rather have), Books-a-Million, and/or Target.

Holy Hell!

I was going to title this "Can It Get Worse?" but it can always be worse.

Bought Turbo Tax and did my taxes today.

(pregnant pause)

I knew I was going to owe because of the oil leases.

(another pause)

But damn. Damn, Damn, DAMN!! I owe over $4000 Federal and about $1500 state. I might have $50 in my savings account. I don't NEED a Goddamn extension on filing! I need an extension on paying! What, you can't do that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell me how I should of put the money back last year when I had it. I had never had a windfall like that IN MY LIFE. We weren't exactly thinking ahead.

So now I'm unemployed (I have an interview with Dell Monday), and I have a huge tax bill I can't pay.

So, where's this God now? Where's this benevolent deity that's supposed to help me, watch over me? WHERE IS HE/SHE?!

The Cart's Back on an Even Track

I actually feel pretty good, considering. I got my last check last Friday, so only God knows how I'm going to pay for my car, electric, natural gas, phone (oh, hell, I'll just let that one go). I guess, theoretically, I can get on Food Stamps now that we're living on the Hubby's SSI. I would have my son's old car to drive if mine got repo'd (but since I know they won't get the money off the resale of the car, I'd still get to pay for a car I would no longer own - been there, done that). Of course it needs at least one tire, a power steering pump, and a thermostat (and a radio, but you can't always get what you want).

Have two prospects for jobs, cross your fingers. I turned in the 5 apps for state jobs and now have 8 tests to do. I took the test for Library Tech (which sounds way cool), but I think I crapped out - I don't know beans about the Dewey Decimal System (but I get the gist of it). It was at the Historical Society,too! Darn. The M-in-L is suggesting Wal-Mart or McDonalds. McD's, maybe, but Wal-Mart, NEVER! i was thinking of putting in an app at Target, and the bookstores I frequent.

I don't know. Can't money just fall from the sky? I'd give some of it to charity! It wouldn't make me some snotty, bigoted, society gal (I'm Ms Not Together, that's just not possible)! And I'm not asking for a Mercedes Benz (a VW New Beetle convertible would be nice, though), and I already have a color tv. I just need to be able to pay my bills, God. And I'm certainly not asking YOU to make the Hubby happy (that's just not possible). I need a job and I need money. Period.

Unemployment Benefits Denied

Seriously crashing.


The Hubby says I need to appeal the decision. I don't see the point. I mean, damn, they decided to make an archaic rule just for me (everybody else, now that I'm gone), and I broke it. Their rule. I broke it. Simple. It doesn't matter that it has nothing to do with productivity.

And how am I supposed to get a job when I'm quasi-suicidal (I'm not going to do it, just think about it - A LOT)? I have an interview at a wireless call center, that I've been turned down before, this time through a temp agency. I don't interview well. They want specifics. Let me tell you, if I remembered specifics at every call center I've worked at, I wouldn't just be depressed, I'd be psychotic. The Hubby says to make stuff up, which I'm also not good at.

So, I've gotten my last check. Right now I seem incapable of getting a job. But I have to do something, we can't live on the Hubby's disability (it pays the mortgage, but not much else).

I'm worthless.
I HATE myself!
I wish I were dead. But that wouldn't actually solve anything. It would make things worse, if possible. It just means I have to keep on existing (not unlike a slug).

Maybe you guys ought to go read the happier, actually talented people to the right. Because I'm a big downer.