Cry-y, Whiney Day

Guess what I ran out of on Friday?

The weekend was fine, and I started out today okay, but it's been a slow slide downhill.

I didn't actually start out okay, Cooter kept trying to wake me up, from about 3:30 on. And he's a persistant Coot - he'll stand on my chest and lick my face if it isn't covered, then nibble on my feet if they're not covered. If everything's covered (and I don't like my head being covered - I feel like I'm suffocating), he'll lay down and whine. I gave up at 4:30, walked the boys and napped on the couch (having weird dreams) until 6:30, when I had to get ready for work. To be fair to the boys, it was an hour later than normal.

I get to work, and there are already 13 people on hold. Geez, people, I don't give a crap about your travel problems today. Have some responsibility for your own reservations.

Jimmy is down to 10 days now. I'm looking forward to Charleston. I found a cool walking tour - Ghosts of Charleston - I found it on CNN. Just now, Googling, I also found this one, Ghosts & Legends of Charleston. Luckily Jimmy's going to be there a while, I can't see all I want to in just one little visit.

On a scale of 1 to 10:

My anxiety is an 8.
My depression is about a 7.

Can today just be over?

Well, I do still have a job. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Jimmy called on Saturday. On my cel phone. While I was at work. Kinda got in trouble with the supervisor. Horrors!! I didn't put my job before my family!! I took a personal call when I was supposed to be attached to the phone!!

I have only three words to say:
Kiss. My. Ass.

I didn't get to talk to him very long, but he sounds good. He wants us to blow off Chicago (Ha! Blow off! Ha!), because he goes to Charleston, SC just a couple hours later. He does want us to come to Charleston, because he'll have a 3 day liberty once he's processed (or whatever). I'm pretty sure I have the vacation time, but I'm not sure all the days are available.

Wow!! Who Knew?!

My blog is worth $1,693.62.
How much is your blog worth?

Via Skippy.

The New and Improved Me!

Well, maybe not new. I still have some negative thoughts running around my brain, but I'm trying to replace them.

I go back to work on Friday. There have been some issues about that. Like my work was never told by the Short Term Disability people that my claim had been approved. They told me on the phone and, silly me, assumed my work also knew, so I didn't call in. They had me counted as "No-Call, No-Show", which, in call center terms, is bad. My HR person at work told me to call them again, and I did, and they were supposed to refax to the claims department (does anybody know what the hell is going on?). That very day I get a letter saying my STD was approved. Jesus H. Christ!! Sooo, I never did call in, soooo we'll see Friday if I have a job. I'm not really worried about it (the unimproved me would have been), I have my letter and my new quasi-assertiveness going for me.

We'll see how it goes.

I need to visit the facilities, and then potty the boys, so I better go for now.

Sunday Thoughts

I finally got a letter from Jimmy at Great Lakes Naval Station. It turns out he had sent out an earlier letter but didn't put a stamp on the envelope.

Since I was up front about what happened to me, he reminded me that suicide is bad. He also says his life sucks, he gets yelled at all the time, has little time for calls, you know normal basic training stuff. He's wondering if he made the right decision. he called hope a plague.

He also said not to bother with graduation, because just a couple of hours later, he'll be going on the Charleston and Nuke School. He says it would be better to visit him during his 15 day leave at Christmastime. Yeah, good luck for me to get time off then.

But it was good to hear from him. He still has his wry sense of humor.

I'll probably have to go back to work at the end of next week. I may be ready, but I'm not looking forward to it. I am sooooo burned out of that job! I mean I love the people and the company has been pretty good to me, but I'm sick of it. I want to do something I enjoy, something I'm meant to do. I just don't have a clue as to what that is. I'd like to go to college. Maybe that would be a good first step.

And no, I still haven't done my therapy homework.

Re: "Recruit McNey Reporting for Duty"

It's been one month today. I just realized that. I've now sent him three letters and have only received one. Yes, I know he's busy. What can I say? I know he's a man now, but I'm still a mother.

A mother but not a mother hen; the ex has been calling pretty regularly (ik). First to see if Jimmy was still here, that he needed to say goodbye. Then to see if I had the address, and hell, yeah I did, but the Hubby didn't tell him that. The last time was to say (I guess) he'd had a call from Jimmy, and the Hubby, not gently, told him not to call anymore.

There's a part of me that says, "well he should have called me, too!!" Like I said just before, he's a man now. I'm going to let him be a man, even if I don't like it. And, again he IS busy, and he's never really been one to write, and if 3 of the 6 girls I've given his address to are in contact with him, who knows, he might not have any spare time left.

Today is day 2 of Birthday Week. Yesterday would have been Mama's 81st birthday. Today is my deceased F-in-L's birthday, tomorrow is MY BIRTHDAY, Friday is the B-in-L's birthday (but he doesn't count), and Saturday is Jimmy's. I've already told Jimmy he needs to aim for October 17th. No reaction.

Still being lazy about Therapy homework, journaling, timeline, letters to my parents. I'm starting to get a little apprehensive about going back to work. I need to find out what I want to do, and go back to school. I can't take any more mind-numbing, soul-destroying jobs. I really DO need to think about me and my needs. AAAAnnnndddd I need to be more assertive, and I need to set and keep boundaries.

I'm still working on those last two.

Well, I Should Be Working

I'm supposed to be doing a timeline and jounaling for my group therapy. But I haven't done either. Well, I've wrote down some of my past: 0-6 that I can remember and some of 7-12. But, damn, most of what I went through after 3rd grade (when I got spanked for not finishing my work, not a big deal to most, but I made it a big deal), it seems like I created myself. I still say, if I had taken Mama's advice (Laugh with them! Kind of in the mode of "Never let them see you sweat."), the merciless teasing would have went away. I decided to look at myself through depression-colored glasses (and just what color IS depression).

To a degree, I feel (look!! I'm using I statements!) like I'm both connected with my group, and disconnected. Most had really crappy childhoods (involving alcohol, abuse or both), but I didn't. I knew I was loved by a big group of people, Mama and Daddy, Aunt (pronounced Ain't) Ninnie, Grandma (technically my great-grandma), Grandma Ben (Mama's mama), Grandmother (Daddy's mom), and uncounted aunts and uncles and cousins, and even my sister. But I still had this huge sense of self loathing, and a raging social phobia that went light years beyond my natural reticence, that I can't really connect with anything.

And, I don't know what I said, but now their griping at the Hubby. Saying he's some kind of attention hog because of his disease, and that's not true. Now, if I try to get them to take that back, I'll be the one in denial. Yeah, the Hubby has his problems. Yeah, he should probably be the one in group therapy, doing his time line. But I'm the one who went beyond suicidal talk, to having the pills in my hand. I can only help me, and that's what I'm doing. But, I swear, get off my husband's back!! I'm not babying him, I care about him. I'll love him forever, and be with him until he or I die.

Oh, and there's a new guy in group. Bipolar, about 10 years older than me. I swear I get fucking annoyed (another I statement!) with him! It's like he's proud of the 35 years of therapy and hospitalizations and medications. Ok, maybe he should be proud of that, in a way, but does he have to lord it over us. I really can't stand know-it-alls, even mentally ill ones. I feel like he's trying to take over and show us all up (oooh! I'm getting good at that!).

So, maybe I should be ready to go back to work on Monday. Maybe I need to fly out of the nest, though if you would have asked me last week about that, I'd have said you're nuts.

As for me, I'm still leaning toward Bipolar II. But hell, I don't know.

Shocked...and Numb

Again, I want to thank my readers for their concern! It's really been a help.

On the insurance front, I still haven't received my cards, but was told by my HR that I could print out copies off the web. So I was able to do that. Since I got the low option, I still have to pay 30%, which for SHARE at ST Anthony's is around $66 A DAY.

Yeah, tell me that THAT doesn't push one of my anxiety buttons!

On the therapy front, I'm still trying to do my timeline, but my past wasn't that traumatic. My therapist has suggested I may be Bipolar. I was completely shocked, I mean, pick my jaw up off the floor time! In my mind, I have never been manic. Part of my homework, besides the timeline, was reading up on Bipolar. It seems like I may have Bipolar II, which has milder manic episodes, called "hypomania". Which, like I said, I can't tell you I've ever had. But also, you could have recurring depressive episodes (yes), be either resistant to antidepressants or they stop working after awhile (yes).

The only thing I can compare the way I'm feeling to is when I learned at around 16 I had epilepsy (no, I don't have seizures anymore). The shocked, numb feeling giving way to the "well, that answers that" feeling. Right now I'm still more shocked than relieved.

Oh, that brings up another thing I read, some study says (or implied, or whatever) that people with epilepsy are more prone to Bipolar.

I may have answers now, let's see what happens next.

A Big Thank You...

To those concerned about me.

I'm now in an outpatient program, also at St Anthony's. I'm really impressed by it. I'm feeling alot better, but have a ways to go.
But now I'm having insurance problems - with the switch from being an employee of Company A, to being an employee of a separate company, whose client is Company A, I was supposed change insurance. It was supposed to be as of October 1, I have recieved no new insurance information. My doctor's don't want me to go back to work, and I really have to agree, but right now feel like I may not have any choice. This sucks, it just goddamned well sucks!

I guess I owe my handful of readers an explanation.

I've been going downhill for a while now. Yeah, I know, "Like, I can't tell!!" Week before last with the anxiety, last week the Hubby found out about being overdrawn. And all of a sudden life didn't seem like living. I grabbed my secret stash of sleeping pills that didn't work right on the Hubby, a cup of water and went out to my car. The Hubby called me on the cell phone telling me he had called the sheriff. It was like something broke through, I still had the pills in a death grip, but I decided I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live, either.

I didn't wait for the sheriff. I drove to my family doctor (the really cute Jesse Ray XXXXXXXX). On the way there, the Hubby called me, frantic, asking me where I am. I told him I was going to the doctor. I called for an appointment from the parking lot. "I have an appointment at 11:15," the receptionist said, at 11:20. I told her that was ok since I was already in the parking lot. So, I pretty much got right in, pills still in the death grip.

"You know I can't let you leave." he said. From there, I went, by ambulance, to Deaconess ER. They said I was to be admitted to St. Anthony, but had to have a ride. So, I called the Hubby, who hadn't heard from me in a long time and was about sick.

I was inpatient in St Anthony for 4 days.

I talk more later, there's a thunderstorm coming.

I'm Back!!

From going around the bend!

And let me tell ya, the psych ward is a trip!

I'd tell ya now, but my boys need to go potty.

Breaking News

My Aunt (pronounced ain't) Ninny has died.

She was born August of 1924, to my Great Grandma, Virginia Pendergrass, and she was also named Virginia.

Mama was born October 11, 1924, to Grandma's Daughter, Ben. Since Grandma Ben was 15 at time, Mama was raised by Grandma, who she always called Mama. They were raised as twin sisters. Even though the only thing that made them look alike was their brunette hair, they were often confused (I could never figure that out). Mama would say they would ask her, "Are you you, or are you your sister?" To which Mama would reply, "I'm me!" (At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "Are the people you grew up with STUPID?")

Mama always called Virginia "Ninny". She said Aunt Ninny tried to get her to stop when they were in high school, but you can see how that worked.

Her life has never been easy: miscarriages, worthless-ass abusive, drunk husband, a daughter who died of ovarian cancer at 24, but she was always a survivor. And she always had a smart mouth.

She deserves her rest.

Spewing...Again

But, since I have no readers (or, if readers, no commenters), nobody to tell me "Just shut the fuck up!!"

The Hubby has now found out how overdrawn we are (but over half are bank fees - crooked-ass banks!), and demanded the checkbook and my debit card.

Now, it's like I'm split in two: the depressed half, who blames everything (including the weather) on herself, wants to die (Plan A is in my purse right now - and, no, it's not some messy-ass gun); and the angry half who says it's not (all) my fault. In fact, my angry half says, I'd lay the blame at the Hubby and the M-in-L's feet. I understand (well, as much as I can) that the Hubby isn't ever going to be pain free, his condition deteriorating as time goes by, so I understand him keeping himself busy with hobbies (guns, cars, motorcycles). Why do I have to be the one to tell him "NO, you shouldn't buy whatever now." He's an adult, can't he show some self-restraint? I know I'm nowhere near perfect, but at least my phobia (or it might be a superstition) of spending money on myself (bad things happen), kind of keeps me from crazy spending(kind of).

I just wish I could be Angry Grrl, or a variation, at home, but there I'm Weepy Wanda. Afraid of everything, taking the blame for everything, no life, no future.

Well, the Hubby is probably going to learn how horribly overdrawn I am today. One look at the checkbook (I put no numbers in, if they're negative), and he starts yelling at me. I know he'll ask his mom (who works at the bank) what's going on, and learn I'm almost 400.00 in the hole. And still over half are stupid-ass bank fees. And if the Hubby didn't get his latest gun we'd be ok. And yet it's still all my fault.

Jesus Christ!!! It's like I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to die!

"...Am Not Dead."

I finally heard from my son!! He says he dialed wrong and the phone ate his change and he had to keep moving. WHEW!! What a load off my mind.

He sounds either homesick or lonely, because he's asking for lots of letters, from family and 6 (yes, 6!) girl friends.

Being Spun

I've calmed down muchly. I'm still in the hole for almost 300.00 (and 162.00 of that are fees), but so are alot of my coworkers. And, yeah, this is really personal shit, but it has to come out. And you've got to think about the Katrina evacuees, who, like me, lived paycheck to paycheck, praying for payday when their account would be made whole (at least temporarily). Will their banks understand? I'm pretty sure the banks will be up and running before the evacuees. Will they be understanding (most likely in a "Noblesse Oblige" kind of way)? And can somebody tell me why it's ok to pay slave wages for rebuilding the Gulf Coast when the companies are probably going to make money hand over fist (in an Iraq kind of way)? And pollution should never be ok! And if I here one more thing from the Hubby and family about the poor president and it's not his fault and it's all the fault of the Mayor and the Governor - I'm just going to scream!

It makes me remember how seamless it was after the May 3rd, 1999 tornadoes. The little town of Mulhall, in Logan County north of Guthrie was pretty much wiped of the map. FEMA swept in and before you knew it the families were in temporary housing, the school was being rebuilt, and permanent houses soon followed. I know you really can't compare tornadoes to hurricanes, but you can compare the two different administrations reactions. There was the Big Dog, the last real president we had, President Clinton, it was like the day after - trash and debris everywhere (he toured Spiva Drive in Del City almost directly across from Tinker AFB - at the time I had an Aunt and a Niece who lived there) hugging and talking to real people, letting them break down and cry. It wasn't like a photo op, it wasn't manufactured, it wasn't spun.

Oh, and speaking of spinning, I am now working for somebody else, even though my job, job title, pay (so they say), location haven't changed. This change I'm not sure of. Three and a half years ago I started with one big conglomero - was spun off to one of their subsidiaries - who has now spun us off to something else - I'm not in the big conglomero at all, but they're my client!(?)

I'm Having a HUGE Anxiety Attack!!

And this is supposed to be a vacation. I didn't go anywhere, but I should be happy not to be at work.

Instead, I keep wishing I just went ahead and had a heart attack or stroke, so I didn't have to worry so much.

I'm overdrawn (waaay over), with no money coming in for a week (yes! a week!).

Damn!!

"Recruit McNey Reporting for Duty"

First he happened to say it to another recruit, so he had to start over.

"Recruit McNey reporting for duty," and he saluted smartly. "Permission to board?"
And so it has started. He doesn't actually leave until tomorrow. He has a drug test to do, and some paperwork.

Sigh.

And I bawled.

As cool as I was with his decision, I wasn't ready. Look at me, I'm about to cry now.

I've been needing to write for a while now, but what do you say? Being in the travel industry, I think the airlines could be doing more, but as they're a big money pit, they probably think they're bleeding money as it is. Hey, how 'bout you not pay your CEO's megamillions? Case in point, (and yes, I get the willies about blogging about work) a woman had purchased tickets to go to her dad's birthday (a big one, like 80), from New Orleans to wherever. The airline would either let her reissue without the fee (but would still have to pay the difference in fare to change the outbound city) or refund the whole thing. The passenger wanted to use the tickets, but didn't have the money to change, so is getting the refund. Can I repeat that? SHE WANTED TO USE THE TICKETS. Go to the airlines web page and read their arcane hurricane rules.

Less than a week to go. Really not sure if it's Monday or Tuesday. Still would like to see him off at the airport, or bus station (which in OKC, is not a great place to hang around), but I don't think that's possible. Still haven't planned any going away thing. I am SO not good at that (well, I am Ms. Not Together). I told Jimmy my sister (Ms. Together) asked if I was having a going away party. He said, "Are you happy I'm going away?" As always, Mr. Sarcasm.
"NOOOO!" I don't remember what else I said, except: "I don't know what to have. Ice Cream and cake were suggested."
"I like cake," Jimmy answered.

Who doesn't.

I've also kind of decided that recruiters need to make sure the recruit's mother isn't in or near PMS on the entry date. That's....part of my problem. And...it still seems like forever to me. He's such a great kid...guy. I'm really proud of him.

I've decided I'm as bleeding heart liberal as they come. Even if I have noone to talk/bitch to about our incompetent government. Katrina is another thing I can't discuss with the Hubby. And I'm not real sure about my family, either. I'm...different. But, I'll tell ya, I'd rather have a bleeding heart and want to try to help everyone, than a heart of stone that only softens to seven figures. I have never seen such callousness. They put Nixon to shame. There he is, (if there is a God) standing in Hell, weeping with joy.

If anybody reads this, I need someone to talk to.

A Couple Things...

I need to post about.

Friday my niece got remarried at the rose garden in Will Rogers Park. It was hotter'n hell, but otherwise a dream: a beautiful bride, a handsome groom, her brother-in-law officiating.

It almost makes you optimistic about society when you see two people so much in love, and the two families celebrating that love.

Two weeks now. Two weeks until Jimmy goes in. I need Monday off now - I'm not sure how that'll go. I don't think the day is available for vacation, so I'll have to ask the ONE (yes, only one) person who has Monday off in my department to trade. It's just so close.

The hubby has suggested that instead going to Graduation at Great Lakes in November, have a longer vacation during a liberty at wherever-the-hell he is next. I guess I can see his point. I'd only have the one day with him in Chicago, whereas later can be a longer time. But, damn, I don't get to go anywhere! This isn't over yet.