Rants: Same Ol', Same Ol'

Well.

At Thanksgiving I had to tell my son I couldn't come to see him graduate this Friday from the Nuke program, because we don't have the money to travel to Charleston. Well, I kinda palmed that off to the Hubby. He offered money, which we knew he would, he's a good kid. This like the story of my life, always disappointing somebody, especially Jimmy. I've always struggled for money, providing the roof over his head and food, but always coming up short in the extras. I guess I always relied on my ex to provide what I couldn't.

This has been the worst year, and it's all my fault. Yes, I hated working at Cendant, but why couldn't I just suck it up and follow their stupid no internet rules? I'd still have the good paying, but soul-sucking job I'd had for 4 years. And, possibly, probably, the money to go to charleston. But noooooo, I had to screw up and get fired, and then have problems getting a job, then take what I thought I should do, but that didn't pan out and now I'm opening mail.

But why couldn't I have gotten my oil money?! It's out there in Roger Mills County pumping away. I haven't seen one dime.

The Hubby is devastated, and blames himself. I think he's close to suicide, but there's nothing I can do. I'll be away from him at work most of the day. Mental health is one thing Medicare doesn't pay well. I don't want him to die, but I can't stop him.

And all we need is money. All we needed was a little miracle, so I could be with the Hubby, and we could go to Charleston to see my son graduate.

I told God I needed a miracle because I feared for the Hubby's life - nothing. Well, to be fair, God has until Wednesday.

It sounds so frivolous, but it's crushing us, and we have nobody to talk to.

Life just isn't worth living.

I have learned two things opening mail for the OKC based Christian Charity: opening mail is boring, and I will NEVER do anything else for Today's Staffing!! First of all, when I get there Friday (before last), they didn't even know I was coming! Now, last week, they call me during work, like it's some kind of emergency. What was it that was so all-fired important? That I needed to fax them my time card before 1pm Friday or I wouldn't get paid for that week until the next week. I'm told that the people I work for will just estimate my time for Friday and Saturday, that that's ok. Well, it wasn't really ok with them, but they did it anyway. And the card didn't get faxed until after 2pm, so I may be paid this week or not.

Oh, and I most likely won't be able to go see Jimmy next (not this) week. No money. DAMN IT!!! It's not like I'm asking for much. I'm asking for what's due to me already. I'm so proud of my son! I want to show my support!

And I did have 2 job interviews last week, I think I did okay at both. I'm cautiously optimistic. But, hell I've thought that before.

Happy Election Eve

Well.

I've rejoined the ranks of the employed. Openning mail and data entry at a local Christian Charity. It's a temp job. I'm not real sure I want it, but don't really seem to have an alternative. I did have an interview at the State Department of Health for a Admin Tech job, very interesting job, to me the interview seemed to go well, but I have a history of boogering interviews. That would be the one I want.

And, thank God election day is Tomorrow!! For me, the gist is: I am voting for NO Republicans. Since I don't live in Oklahoma County, I don't get the pleasure of voting against Mary Fallin and Wes Lane. The best I get is voting against Frank Lucas (that would be FOR Sue Barton - and I think she has a good chance).

And doesn't the Saddam verdict coming when it did seem awfully coincidental? And maybe I'm too much of a peacenik, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do right now. My husband completely disagrees. To me, it just seems like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Oh, and I STILL haven't received any royalty money. If the Little Well that Could out in Roger Mills County is pumping oil and natural gas out of the ground, the oil companies (or whoever) should be prying open their wallet to pay me. Why is it taking so long? I need that money so I can go to Jimmy's graduation at the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command in Charleston late November. He wants us there, we need to be there. period.

I've been really, really depressed, well I'd say lately, but it's actually been months. I really need to see a doctor and get put on a good antidepressant, like Lexapro, but that costs money I don't have.

I'm at the point where I know I need to write, but I don't have anything to write about, that I haven't already spewed on.

I guess I have to face it: I don't write well.

Well, of the family news, the Hubby has a sleep study tonight. His oxy just isn't working anymore, but since the doctor is moving to a new location in November, we're waiting until then to see him. At least he can go. My son, Jimmy, has a graduation ceremony from the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command on December 1, I got the invitation today. Hopefully, I'll have some kind of oil/gas money by then to be able to go. I really can't handle NOT being able to go! He wants us to help him buy a car to take to the next class location in NY. I'm sooo proud of him!

I wish he could be proud of me.

My Dream Job

I had the interview for said dream job today, Library Technician I at the blind and disabled library near the capitol. And the more I heard about it, the more it seemed like it was meant for just me. Actually there are 2 opennings, one involves making recordings of books, the other more librarian-ish. Could there be anything more perfect?

One problem, entry level though it is, I don't have any experience in audio making things. And, of course, the only library experience I have is as patron. The interview itself went very well, I think, I was friendly, open, only mildly terrified, and smiled and laughed (naturally!!) throughout. It left me with a high (again naturally!!) that lasted until just about an hour or so ago.

Yeah, that's my dream job alright. One is like reading for money (I can do out loud), both are being in a library all day long - how cool is that?!

And as cool as it is - I don't think I'm going to get it. Let me tell you, they interviewed maybe 10 people total, nobody - and I mean NOBODY - wanted more than I. But, again, there's the experience thing I went into above (yeah, I should cut and paste that part here, but hell, noone reads this anyway). So, now I falling apart - again.

We have no money - the Hubby has prescriptions he needs that we don't have the money for (and yeah, I mean the piddly copays). The oil money could show up anytime from now to Christmas - can't it happen now?! And it's all my fault!!

I did give blood today (and once again they had to stick both arms - little veins). So, maybe it'll work it's karma magic and something (ANYTHING!!) good will come of it.

Happy F'in Birthday To Me

Life bites.

Blogging the Library, Again

Yeah, well. I had a job interview yesterday. I'm pretty sure I tanked the interview. That's my problem, I don't interview well. It doesn't matter that I can do any type of clerical-y, customer service-y, call center-y job out there - you have to prove it in the interview. My mind and my body turn in to jello (human-flavored gelatin in case somebody complains about the copyright infringement). I was shaking. I'm pretty sure I was sweating. And maybe answered too truthfully for comfort. The Hubby says I shouldn't mention anything about my past problems with depression. Well, I have one more interview on the 19th, let's see if I screw that one up.

Sigh. I feel sooo worthless.

And stuck. Stuck in Guthrie.

As September comes to a close, let me do what I do best, obsess about myself.

Well, I may be getting unemployment, I should know by next week. And, since my period just ended, and PMS not yet begun, I actually feel....ok, not great, but ok. I DO have a job interview next week, and, yes, the thought of which is freaking me out. You know, I don't know if I want this position, I think I'd like the Library Tech position I'm interviewing for on Oct. 19 better. I still think working in a library, even if it's for the blind and disabled would be sooo cool! The hubby says I shouldn't mention depression at all, I should say I was concerned about my husband's illness, upset that he'll never get better. I said "I'm not good at lying." He told me it wasn't a lie. Then, why does it feel like it? And, how am I supposed to get over the feeling that it doesn't matter how well I can do the job, if I'm an incompetent interviewee. The interview is the all important thing.

The electricity got shut off yesterday for about 30 minutes. I didn't have close to the whole bill, but enough to pay the over-overdue portion. I guess the gas and phone will be next. And I also guess I'm no longer getting food stamps. One thing I've discovered, is that food stamps (actually an electronic card) are great! It was wonderful not having to worry about how you're going to buy food! There should be no shame involved at all! If you need it, it's there! Use it! I think the Hubby should be the one to go to the DHS to complain about not getting it anymore. He is the one on disability. And since my shyness right now is bordering on social phobia, it's almost impossible for me. Well, that's my excuse.

Politics has become impossible to talk about - me and the Hubby are 180 degrees away from each other. But basically only on Iraq and Bush. And geez, I hate confrontation. I got that from my first marriage, I guess.

I would still like to get the 5 or so stories out of my head, but I don't know how, or if they're any good. I'd like to talk to someone, a writer or so, about it, but that's another thing I get squeemish about (see shyness comment above).

Gotta go now. More later.

Still doing the "Poor little me" thing - not attractive.

Have a job interview next week - freaking out.

Have a new Grand-niece (?), named Piper, 7lbs 6oz.

Wow, this isn't even worth blogging! Add more later - I'm at the library, being timed out.

I'm at a point where I need to write, but the problem is, I'm not going to say anything I haven't already wrote/complained/whined about. And if you're only going to be redundant, why write at all?

Well, for me, this is my therapy. This is me being able to say everything normally compacted into a little ball somewhere around my stomach.

I guess this is Suicide Prevention Month, I heard it somewhere (Parade maybe). I don't know how you stop someone who wants to, both of my "gestures", I stopped myself. Because as much as I didn't want to live, I didn't want to die, either. I know when you're in the black pit, there is no up. Right now, I'm in a gray pit, I can see up - I just can't get there.

I'm scared for the Hubby. All he sees is a future of pain and immobility, and a past of failure. One of these days, he'll end his pain. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to do that?!

You know the rest, still unemployed, have no money, haven't seen promised royalities from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. All I want to do is sit and eat, and read. I've been reading alot lately. I'm a bum.

One Month

Reunemployment, that is. I took a crap-load of tests for State of Oklahoma jobs, so far I've done ok. Hopefully, the offers will come rolling in.

But I have to admit, I don't really want to leave the Hubby alone. He swears he's not going to DO THE DEED, but I don't know. He's awfully down. I mean at the bottom. Scary stuff! Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, if I just hang around him constantly, maybe he won't.

I haven't seen anything from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. I could use the money NOW, if you please. I know it will come, in it's own sweet time. I just wish that time was now.

Not quite as down as I have been, just worried. I used to think all I needed was money, because stuff is stuff and it's worthless. But, I need a job, but for that I need self-confidence, and I need to know I can talk myself around the Cendant and Hertz debacles. Depression, and it's aftermath, sucks.

Keep Your Hands and Arms Inside the Car....

I think I'm approaching menopause, but I'm not sure. Like, I've been really hot this summer, but then, it's been a really, really hot summer. And last night I woke up drenched in sweat. And my ongoing problems with depression.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Like, how can it be, if I'm still having a FREAKIN' period?! Can't that stop first?! I'm pretty sure what I'm going through is some kind of normal bodily process. I am, after all, almost 47 (in October).

Hell, I don't Know!

Catharsis

My first week of unemployment done (not done?).

Supposedly, there is a well out in Roger Mills County that's been pumping away for about 2 months, but I haven't seen a dime's worth of royalties (come in handy right about now). My Cousin the Lawyer is handling all that stuff for us. On the upside, I got a chunk of change for something called a seismograph.

Also, my Father-in-Law, deceased for 4 years now, was one of those Depression-era babies. He saved almost everything "for retirement": aluminum cans (a shed and a 40 ft stock trailerful - thankfully gone now), aluminum crap, for lack of a better term, like chair bodies, ect; copper tubing, old (decaying) electrical cords (we filled an old stock watering tank full, for God's sake!); also brass fittings and iron and steel and old cars. What's left now (well, you can't really be sure what's buried in the weeds out in the pasture), is the iron and steel and old cars. But we're not sure it would pay to bring them into the recycler.

So, right now anyway, we're ok. We're still waiting on the royalty money, and getting kind of discouraged. Even though it should come soon, it doesn't seem like it's going to, y'know? And, I have to admit I haven't really been looking for a job, well, seriously. I scan the Sunday ads, shoot a glance at Monster.com and careerbuilder.com, have perused OK state jobs and federal jobs (through firstgov.gov). But it's like I don't want to work. NO, no, no, its EXACTLY that I don't want to work.

With the Hubby's health (physical and mental) in decline, I don't want to be 20, 30, 40 or more miles away for 8, 10, 12 hours a day! I know he's a grown man and can still, mostly, take care of himself. But that's part of it. I'm not making myself understood.

I want to be with him and do things with him while he still can. But, unless the mythical royalty money comes I won't be able to do that. And, I don't think I can get a job. My mind isn't in it. Interviewing requires a skill I just don't have. It doesn't matter how well you do the job, it only matters how well you interview (Southwest proved that).

OH yeah, depression covers this house like a fog, thinner for me, thicker for the Hubby. Hell, the Hubby I would catagorize as quasi-suicidal. He's not over the edge yet, but he can see it, and, right now at least, keep himself from it. Me, all I need is a good Lexapro prescription. But I don't have insurance, and the Hubby's Medicare only pays 50% for mental health - and, yeah he needs the excellent St Anthony's treatment I had (close to a year ago).

Well, I thought I should write. I wish I had more than 2 or 3 readers.

Unemployed Again, Naturally

Friday last came and went and I didn't cry once. I feel horribly drained now, though.

But I have come up with a drinking game: every time the M-in-L says something about someone hiring, take a shot.

The Hubby is seriously crashing, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Yeah, life is great.

One Week

One more week and I join the ranks of the unemployed again. But hey! I did get to shake CEO Gary Kelly's hand on Friday. Unfortuneately, I was on the phone WORKING at the time, unable to say boo to him about my predicament. And then he was gone.

I feel like such a loser. A whiney baby loser. I may be a nobody, but I should be able to get some form of employment. Being shy bites. Being fired (unfairly!) bites. having to explain it to prospective employers without somehow turning them off, bites. Life bites.

Haven't gotten any oil money yet. Would come in kinda handy right about now.

AAARRRGGGHHH!! What's wrong with me?! Why can't I just STAND UP for myself, for the things I believe in, for my country?!! Why does it scare me so?! Why is it SO HARD?! I'd say, you push and you push and you push but you never get anywhere, but I'm not sure I'm even pushing. It's like I'm some lazy, dumbass just waiting for it to fall out of the sky. And I know I've said it before, but IT BITES!! I'm like locked away inside myself with only this glimpse inside. I'm alone and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do next. And, God! this doesn't even go into the Hubby's problems! He's in pain, and feels worthless, and that life's a burden, but so far, he doesn't want to kill him self, he's just tired of living.

I guess I could call my friend Lakenda or my sister, but that doesn't seem right. I'll just be a downer. I don't want to inflict myself on them. They have their own lives, good lives, and they deserve it.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go now.

Just Two More Weeks

Two more weeks at SWA.

The looming unemployement is pretty much knocking me on my ass. Today's Staffing so far has been very unhelpful. Not to mention my raging PMS.

I guess I'm bitter. I kinda have a right to be bitter, in February I was full of righteous indignation over being unfairly (but completely within their rights) fired, now I just feel useless, worthless. I don't feel like I can get a job. Just worn down to a nub. As I've said before, getting a job and doing a job are two different things (unless you're a used car salesperson). I can do the job, almost any job (though mostly clerical and call center), but I just feel incapable of getting it.

Y'know what I'd like?

Really?

I'd like to win the lottery. To not have to worry about having a job or paying bills or deciding which bills I'm just going to ignore. To be able to go places and do things with the Hubby, while he's still mostly mobile enough to enjoy them. To be able to go to school just for the sheer joy of learning. To be able to buy the land the Hubby wants to disappear on (but still within an hour of the city), and build my hippie house on it. To have cars we want, instead of cars we can afford. To volunteer to teach people to read or be a docent at a museum. I want to be able to go to the doctor when I'm sick. My doctor not just any doctor. To be able to get prescriptions (say, the antidepressant, Lexapro).

I never want to have to worry about being unemployed EVER AGAIN!

No new news. Just feeling sad and alone.

Playing With the VidCam

Here I am! Not quite as ugly as usual! Ready for the Big Time!

Oh, and dig that Mona Lisa smile!

Some Random Musings

I don't understand the whole Israel, Hamas/Palestinian, Hezzbolah (however you spell it) thing. There are no good guys and no real bad guys (I mean really bad, bad guys), just a bunch of people overreacting. What do you do? It doesn't seem really right to support one group over another. Israel's going to exist whether you want it to or not. Palestinians have a right to respect and live their lives and vote for whatever stupidheads they want to (hello! we do that all the time!). I'm not real sure where Hezzbolah falls into the loop, but they seem to be among the fundamentalists that treat women like crap. Like, can someone tell me why it's women's fault that men are attracted to us (well not me particularly), that some fundies tell us to cover ourselves up or ugly ourselves up? Don't men have any restraint on their own?

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Something like 4 more weeks at Southwest Airlines. Thanksgiving is now open - and almost sold out. Flights are starting in Dulles early October, but, alas, not Charleston, SC. I learned they can make you come in on your day off to work mandatory overtime. I feel like I've dodged a bullet. But I'm not looking forward to looking for a new job. I don't know if I can rely on the temp service to drop something wonderful in my lap. And I'm still pretty nil on the self-confidence level. Self-hatred levels have lowered, but not elimanated. Social-phobia level still pretty high. Right now I'm still in cruise control. Hoping something will drop out of the sky.

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Oil/Gas money hasn't started rolling in yet. I'll still belive it only when I see it. And yet I hope it's alot, and lasts for a long time. That way, if I don't get a "good job" relatively quickly, it won't matter. And I might do something else that matters to me, like adult literacy, or reading to kids. And, I still get my own version of the Beverly Hillbillies theme running through my head:

First thing you know ol' Pattye's a millionaire,
the kin folk say, "Pattye, move away from there,
Gaillardia's the place you ought to be,"
So we loaded up the truck and moved to OKC-

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I've switched the story running through my head to yet another one, one of my oldest. It also has no real end. Yet in this one the middle kind of falls apart, too. But I still like it.

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I've decided I like Jari Askins for leiutenant Governor. At least SOMEBODY learned from current and future Governor Brad Henry. And I'm glad I'm not in the 5th district. I would vote for unnamed democrat before any of the GOP clones (not to mention that I would do that anyway). But geez, they all say the same things, not a one can think for themselves. And channel 52 took off Magnum PI for Mick Cornetts slickly produced HOUR LONG tribute to himself. We get it! you prefer Mick!! Of course I also remember you aired the Swift Boat crapola too. Just bring back Magnum, and leave off politiking.

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I haven't heard from my kid lately. Which means I'll have to call him. Which I hate to do because I don't want to bother him. I want him to have a life of his own, but I want to hear about it from time to time.

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Barbara Walters people haven't called me yet. I'm sure it's just an oversight.

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I finished a really, freakin' fantastic book day before yesterday: A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. OMG!! It's amazing the Guthrie Library would have it. Hat's off to you.

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Well, gonna go now - kinda drained out my mind for now. Need to go put more crap in it.

I've decided that however devastating being turned down by Southwest Airlines (for NO GOOD REASON!!), and it was devastating, it was for the best. There are just too many things I don't agree with: mandatory overtime, really low starting pay, 3 weeks unpaid training (who can afford that?), few, if any, paid holidays (I know of 2: Thanksgiving and Christmas), almost guaranteed bad hours and odd days off, no mute button, no putting customers on hold, in fact I think the phone system is way out of date.

And yet, like Hertz, they really know how to treat their customers. Would that they could give their employees similar concern. At least Southwest is unionized, I don't think they really understand call center issues, though, or they just kinda roll over and play dead. And of the airlines, at least the ones I've dealt with, Southwest is tops. No extra change fees when you change a reservation, no $5.00 charge when you call the res center instead of booking online, your res agent will be in the US, and will know every airport SWA flys to.

I guess one of my main gripes is the treatment of employees with mental illnesses. Yeah, it's going to affect the way we do our job. Although, for both Cendant (Trilegiant, Clientlogic), and Hertz, it didn't so much affect my job performance (not at all for C,t,c) as affect the other arbitrary rules. The more I think about it, the less I feel being let go was justified.

But water under the bridge. I am kinda worried about how it will affect me getting a job. But on the otherhand, and completely unrelated, my completely forgotten about land in Roger Mills County now (on the portion with 7 heirs), has an oil/gas well on it. Oil/Gas royalties to follow. Rock. Maybe it'll be enough where I don't have to worry about getting a job quick when the SWA temp job is over.

In other family news, the Hubby thinks his arthitis is spreading to his rib cage, and starting to calcify them. Jimmy, my son, is now in his 2nd of 3 nuke classes in Charleston, SC. I have a niece going to have her 2nd child, a girl, in September. It's already all scheduled, since she had a caesarean the first time around. My sister is in her new house now, on a wooded acreage near Newalla. She and her husband both work at Tinker, so have money out the ass. But hey, more power to them. It's a tough place to work, and they've been there forever.

And I've also decided I need to be the new fat chick on the View. I think introverted, social-phobic, depressed women with low self-esteem are sorely underrepresented on tv. I have opinions, it just may be pulling teeth to get them out of me. I would consider myself well-read. I'm a quick learner. I don't mind being on camera, as long as I don't have to look at myself. I'm not ugly. So, Barbara, Ms. Walters, I'm here, come get me. Because the thought of me putting myself out there, kind of makes my stomach upset.