I was going to title this "Some Introspection". But then I realized, Some Introspection?! Hellfire! That's all I do!

Goodbye and good riddance to 2005.

I got my oil lease money in January (yeah, I looking forward to doing my taxes this year). It was nice to be able to live, for a while at least, without having to think "Do I have the money, will I be able to pay my bills?" I crashed twice in 2005, the first time, in March?, April? In the middle of getting the new manufactered house, while living with the M-in-L (I will be homeless before I do that again!). It was the first time I was in group therapy and a (quasi) hospital setting. I had spent most, if not all of 2004, gaining weight, dutifully taking my Zoloft, and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Like most times, I'm in counselling, taking an anti-depressant - feel great. Then the world gets in the way. By-the-by, we're spinning you off to Trilegiant. They don't have Aetna, so you'll have to switch to Cigna. That, in and of itself, wan't bad - it was cheaper and covered more - except for my psychiatrist at the time (great guy - Dr. Chakraburti - Dr. Chak for short). Then there are problems with copays and coverage, and that just feeds into my (not quite so) irrational fear of spending money on myself.

My son enlisted in the Navy, being promised the nuclear program (evidently he went off the scale of whatever-the-hell test that is they go by), in February. For a good long while he tried to make me feel guilty for that - that I forced him to enlist. And there were low times that I bought into that, and felt incredibly guilty. But I realized I had spent all of his high school years picking out colleges for him. I wanted him to go to college, away from us, away from his (creepy, controlling) Dad. He was not going to be a loser. Period. I'm cool with his lacking direction, focus. I'm cool with his not knowing what he wanted to do. But you have to DO SOMETHING. You can always do something else later on. And it really has improved him (although, it hasn't made him taller, or gain weight - he says 10lbs). And it has limited contact with (creepy, controlling) dad. Now if he'll only realize he deserves a life of his own. He graduated in May, delivering the Pledge of Alliegiance at graduation, and went into the Navy in September.

Aaaaand September is when I crashed again - making a "suicidal gesture", clutching, but not taking, my husband's Lunesta I had stowed away, I drove myself to my doctor. At the crux of alot of things: Jimmy's leaving, my Aunt (pronounced ain't) Ninny's dying, money problems, company being sold - again, different health insurance - again. This time I spent 4 days inpatient at Saint Anthony's (wow! that was a trip), and then went to SHARE at Saint Anthony's. SHARE is great! If you're in the OKC area, it's the best. Expensive as hell, but at some time you have to decide you're worth it. It was there that it was suggested I may be Bipolar II, since my childhood wasn't that bad, but I was depressed anyway. I think so, but the diagnosis isn't official yet. I'm trying to keep watch over myself.

At the beginning of November, I had a great vacation in, and fell in love with, Charleston, SC - meeting Jimmy there after his graduation from basics. Yes, we're going back this year. The M-in-L threatens to go with us. I was at a happiness level that, in my imagination, was close to mania.

Now we're at the end of the year, which closes on the illness and loss of our beloved Cooter - my canine son. We will get a new puppy at some point, but as of yet are still in mourning.

So, now we're in 2006. The middle of January starts the 20th year of Jimmy, culminating in his birthday of October 15. Hopefully drilling will start on the Roger Mills County property, and I'll be rolling in dough (I know, I'm counting chickens). I'm looking to improve myself in some way - to be determined. I'd like to get out more, as money permits, whether the Hubby wants to or not. The big lesson from the latest group being, If I don't take care of myself, who will? And the lesser, but still important, I'm the only one I can fix.

I'm optimistic for the year.
This will be the year we start taking our country back from the Borg.
The constitution will stage an amazing comeback, with the realization NOBODY is above the law
A good portion of the Borg will not just fear for their jobs, but have prison time staring them in the face.
We'll either start to, or get out of, Iraq.
And I'm still waiting for my "Star Trek" future, where respect and tolerance rule the day.