Shout Out!

I had a really great interview today at the Physician Manpower Training Commision! I went in almost (ALMOST? right) panicking, and came out confident the job was mine. So, I have to give a SHOUT OUT to my interviewers, Michelle and Charlotte!! YOU GO, GIRLS!!!

God willing, I will either have won the lottery or be gainfully employed within the next 2 weeks!

See? This is me trying to turn my back on my giant-ass negative side.

Still Alive...

Oh, yeah, post number 397.

Haven't heard anything from the interview last week. Yeah, like I am. I've heard from some insurance benefits call center that may have a temporary Customer Svc position opening in June or July.

Sigh.

I think I need to talk to somebody. Because I don't want to work. No, no, no that's not quite true. I want to work on my own terms. Something that fits just me. Something where I can take off and travel (money willing). Something where I can be by the Hubby's side anytime he needs me, or I can go to doctors or therapists anytime I need to. Something fulfilling. Something I won't get sick of in six months, or make my skin crawl in a year, or do anything to disconnect (oh, like surfing the web at work when you're not supposed to, although everybody did it), no matter the cost. Kind of o-t, I've noticed my total cholesterol (God Bless the OBI!!) has gone down, still elevated though, since I got fired.

I'd still like to be someone like Erma Bombeck, newspaper columnist, used to be on Good Morning America - how cool would that be?! I could do it, too!! I know I can. I still say I could be the fat chick on the View. I could be a beacon for the fat, the depressed, the shy and the social phobics, the people without a voice who, on there own volition, fade into the background terrified of the outside world and the thought of interacting in it. Definately not easy, but I could do it. I ought to do it!

Sigh.

I just don't know how. You know, Good morning America or Dr. Phil could just come here, or call me, or email me and say, "Hey! How would you like to be on TV?!" (not unlike the ancient commercial: "Hey! How would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?") SURE!!

I'd like to go back to college (though, geez, can we leave the math stuff alone?), but again, lack of money rears its ugly head. No, I won't do loans I can't pay off.

I mean, I don't necessarily want a degree (though, yeah, cool), I want to learn for the sake of learning. I want to look back and say, "Well, duh, I already knew that!" Because, sometimes, we have to be shown just what we're capable of.

No. 396 or Call Me a Melodramatist

Yeah, I'm still here. I still don't see a point to living. I still think I'm unemployable, and would rather win the lottery. But, for now at least, I have stepped back just a little from the brink of suicide.

I'm not going to apologize for what I wrote. It's what I felt at the time. No, sometimes this blog is all that's keeping me here. I don't have many friends, those I do have I don't want to bother with my problems. And even though they loom large in me, my problems are pretty minor in the scheme of things. So I write, well, spew it all out here. And I appreciate those who come back and read my drivel time after time.

I read this in yesterday's NY Times:
Washington
Proposals for Mental Health Parity Pit a Father’s Pragmatism Against a Son’s Passion
By ROBERT PEAR
Published: March 19, 2007
Two Kennedys are facing off over competing versions of legislation that would provide more generous benefits to people with mental illness.

I've been hospitalized once (an interesting 4 - maybe 5 - days back in the fall of 2005), and have been in outpatient programs twice (I prefer the ST Anthony's Share program to the Integris program - even though I prefered Integris' Dr. Chakraburty to the psychiatrists of ST Anthony's) and each time I've had to battle my insurance. Every time I've had to change my insurance, I've had to make sure I got the plan with the best mental health coverage, which still tended to be a joke. How many times I can see a therapist? Is the therapist/psychiatrist I'm already seeing covered? Are the meds they're giving me covered? Or what do I have to settle for? Will the med I had to settle for DO any damn thing for me? And why can't the copay be the same as my PCP?

So YAY!! YAY to the Kennedys!! I would prefer Kennedy fils plan to Kennedy pere's, but I'll accept either. But what am I saying?! I'm unemployed, uninsured, and SOL right now. What I wouldn't do for some Lexapro. And a job. But I'd prefer to win the lottery and not have to worry about any of that.

No. 395

I've been thinking about what to write for post no. 400. I've been thinking it should be a "State of My State" message. But I'm not sure I'm going to be around for it.

I have a handsome, wonderful husband, with a crappy, debilitating illness. He blames himself for our problems. You know, Man Stuff. Please.

I don't blame him. I put the blame squarely where it belongs: ME. I'm the one who got fired last year. I'm the one who can get to an interview, but not past it. I'm the one who either considers herself too good for a McJob, or more likely, so shy the thought of being around people makes her physically ill.

I just want to crawl into the ground and die. I may be missed but things would be better off without me. Without me the Hubby could get the cheap electric, phone and gas. Or his son could move in with him. I know the M-in-L wouldn't cry much. The only bad thing is my son would probably be devistated.

I want to feel like I make a difference in this world, but I don't. I am NOTHING! And all of our money woes are my fault. I have a job interview this week, one next week, but you know I won't get the job. I'm tired. I'm just sooo tired. I think I need to squirrel away some of the Hubby's generic Xanax. He shouldn't miss it. One ought to be prepared.

And for anybody suggesting that this is just my depression: Yeah, So What?!! Getting help for my depression is just another thing that costs money! Me being a leech!

God! I'm disgusting!

No. 394 or Waiting for 24

Two more state job interviews coming up. Two more chances to booger up the interviews.

Have seen no jobs in the paper that trip my trigger. I don't want a call center job anymore, they stress me out too much. I want a job that has actual sick leave - and the taking of which doesn't count as an absence. I'd prefer a job that I like, but I don't see that happening. I don't want to work at Wal-Mart, or any fast food place, or Magic Bait (down the road from me - makes stinky bait for fish). I know that sounds kind of stuck up. Shouldn't I be taking anything to be bringing in money, even if it breaks my will to live? Am I being selfish? Does that matter? People tell me I need to take care of myself. Shouldn't I have a job that reflects who I am? But what the hell is it?!

Anyway, need to shut off, 24's about to come on. Will Jack get out of the Russian Consulate? Is everybody in the consulate involved somehow? Will President Palmer wake up and tell his Veep to shove it? How is the ex-president guy's wife going to be involved? Will the arab dude with the nukes learn he's really just a patsy for the Russian dude? And how are they going to find the Arab dude and the Russian dude? And will it be before his drones take off?

Let's go see......

Post No. 393 - AKA Trying Not to Cry

Didn't get the OSBI job. But, curiously, I am getting a 2nd interview at the place I didn't think I was qualified. They mentioned software they use that I don't even know what it is!

Damn! I said I wouldn't cry!

What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can't I get a job?

No, no, no, no, no! Why can't I just go ahead and win the Powerball, so I don't have to worry about money. So I don't have to worry about the Hubby taking the ultimate pain relief. So I can be with him instead of being 40 miles away at some job I'll just get sick of within 6 months.

Money is just sooo worthless, and yet it's all I need.

Maybe I should just lay down and die, too. But, no I don't want to die. Like I've always told my son, Life is an adventure. Not always fun, not always easy, but always an adventure.

My adventure is just starting.

The Hubby and I went to a pain management guy off of May Ave. and 63rd St. yesterday. What a freakin' waste of time. 2 freakin' hours there! Making the Hubby move in ways he doesn't really move anymore, telling me to be quiet, only to be told he needs to see a rheumatologist and needs to do stretching exercises (for parts that don't move anymore)! Muscle pain and arthitis, now go away! Who the hell does he deal with?! Addicts?!! Now he feels even more suicidal than before! And as much as I hate to say it, I don't blame him. A pain guy tells him he can't help his pain?! Christ!

I'm still unemployed, haven't heard NO from the OSBI, but I think it's still too early in their hiring process (kind of a long, drawn out thing). And aside from that, I don't even want to look for a job! And I can't tell you why. Just a lazy bum I guess.

Still worried about losing my car, though I don't really know why.

Still riding the kiddie roller coaster of depression (and still envying the manic phase of Bi-Polar disorder). I really would like to be on Lexapro, or so. But that's not going to happen.

And this will make post no. 392. Eight more posts to #400!

Blogging the Library

Well my 3 job interviews are now past. One I think I did real well, One I think I did ok, One - I'm just not qualified. And that was ok, I didn't like the looks of the place anyway. I think I did well at the OSBI, but I've said that about other interviews, too. They said it was a pretty long and drawn out process. There was only one opening available, and, it seemed, boatloads of interviewees. Hopefully I made an impression. I liked the place, I liked the people, but now it's down to fate.

I'm trying to stay optimistic, but that is excruciatingly hard for me. I just don't automatically come that way.

And my anxiety level has been skyrocketing lately. I keep imagining my car being reposessed. I am a month behind. I've had that happen before, and still had to pay off the car loan. The Hubby stresses over medical bills. I don't. If I can't pay them, I don't worry about it. I'll worry about other bills. Thank God I don't have a credit card!

Sorry about the absense, I guess I need to bring my 2 or 3 readers up to speed.

My dreams of being not unlike Jed Clampett have been dashed upon the rocks of reality. My royalties are not what I had hoped, but better than nothing. There goes my dream of being an old, fat Paris Hilton (though more well read)!

I had a temp job at Teleflora for 2 weeks, and discovered I DON'T WANT TO WORK AT A CALL CENTER EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN!!! I'm just too burned out. Flowers this time. Flowers did me in, orders and complaints. I may have burned my bridges there, but I don't care.

3 job interviews this week! One was Wednesday at the Payne County Health Department, the other two are tomorrow. One at the OSBI, the other I know the address, but that's about all. The one on Wednesday went well, I think, but I've said that before without getting the job. The Hubby swears this time is it! That's what his psychic powers are telling him. How come psychic powers never give you the lottery numbers? Hopefully next week tells a different, better, story.

And, I got my hair cut for the first time in a year, year 1/2. It's looks good, I think. My self-esteem is too poor to be sure. About 3 inches are gone - in long layers (fine hair), face framed. I'm considering color. Not to color my gray, being dark blond, my grays don't stand out that much.

So, I'm having fair days and bad days. There was a day last week (or early this week) when I was ready to kill myself because I burned the Hubby's toast!

And about other things:

I really couldn't care less about Anna Nichole Smith. Her death may be natural, but it looks suspicious. She should be next to her son, and not pawned off to a mother she hadn't talked to in years. I really feel for the baby, Danilynn. Noone seems to care for her. It's all about money. That's sad.

Now there are two presidential candidates I will not vote for: Hilliary Clinton, and (big surprise) John McCain. Actually there's more than two, I won't vote for any Republican. And does the election REALLY have to start a year early. Can't it be about the issues, and not how much money a certain candidate has? Am I naive? To me, the money just corrupts everybody, it does no good.

Jimmy, in the Navy, is in the last portion of his training, he'll be assigned to a ship around June. He called me the day before Valentine's day. It's like pulling teeth to get either of us to talk, so it was a short conversation. He says he in "the bottom of the top". He's doing well, he's just driven enough not to think so.

My stepson has gotten a tattoo. A black and red star, nice, but kind of plain. he say's he's going to add to it later.

I guess that's about it for now. I appreciate everyone who has hung with me. These rants are my only outlet for my depression. I appreciate you staying to listen. Thank you.

Well, I have a two-week temp assignment (floral call-center's Valentine's Day overflow) coming up. But still no real desire to even LOOK for a job. Especially since, you know, I can't pass an interview to save my life.

I haven't seen any oil money. Have learned that my share may only add up to about $500 a month. Hell, I don't know if it's going to come to my house! Who knows? Maybe it won't come at all.

I'm hoping Friday (and my husband's Social Security), comes before my money runs out. I don't know how I'm going to make: my car payment, utilities, car insurance, phone. The mortgage will be taken care of though.

I'm not quite as depressed as I was (but without antidepressants, thats kind of a meaningless phrase), but hysteria (panic?) out the yin-yang.

I've been trying to think of something I could do for a living that I would enjoy. I'm kind of coming up blank. I can't imagine knitting for a living, I do that for fun (when I have money, and antidepressants - it's the first to go). Reading for a living would be cool, but is there really anything like that (in Oklahoma)? Selling my coloring as art would be cool (and no, I can't really discribe it - it's drawing a line that never crosses to make a design and finally connect the ends and color), but who am I kidding - it's coloring, not art.

oh, hell, maybe I should just go to Carl's Jr. or McD's - at least I'd get a meal.

If There Is Anybody Who Actually Reads This...

I need help!

I need to know why life is still worth living, because right now, I just don't see it.

Ya talk about your poop-outs! I got a little bit more sleet, but that was it.

And I know I need to be looking for a job, but it's just not there. All I can think of, is even if I get an interview, I'll just booger it up. The only jobs I had last year were temps. And how many jobs did I interview for? It's just too discouraging.

So, for right now at least, I'm going to be a lazy bum. But if it's any consolation, I hate myself.

Snow Storm 2007!!!!

The temporary assignment opening mail for the Christian Charity has ended. I could've stretched it out another week, but it would have been 4hr days only, and since I come from Guthrie, and have had to have the Hubby cart me around this week, that just didn't pay. We did part amicably. Even though I hated the job and was ready to go, I cried a little. I'm just not good with the unknown. I'm not exactly an optimist. They were having a blood drive yesterday, I tried but had low iron. Would having no breakfast count? It was just before lunch, and I was starving.

And speaking of having the Hubby cart me around...!!!!

I GOT OUT OF THE YARD ON MY OWN CAR'S POWER, FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS WEEK!!!! Of course, my road's still ice packed, and I had to back up until I found a place I could go forward (15 mph on the speedometer, about 2 in actual forward momentum). Once I was onto Industrial (in Guthrie), it was fine, ice spotty only in places, but fine. It was nice to be out and about today! Of course, it's all supposed to go to shit again today (tonight, tomorrow - whenever). Figures.

So, probably won't get out to the KATT blood drive tomorrow, my Literacy Tutor Training has been postponed for a couple of weeks. So, I'm free.

Now I'm at the point again of needing a job. I've been looking at job openings, but not really seriously. After all, I can't get through an interview to save my life. And there's always some, more competent, person (or a better bs'r) behind me, ready to mop up my mistakes.

I hate the unknown. The only thing wrong with me is depression (well, and high cholesterol). I should be able to look for, and get, a job. Maybe I should do what the M-in-L says and like go to Wal-Mart or McD's or so, don't they hire about anybody? I tried Target last year, 2 of them in fact. but guess what? Yes, I boogered up the interviews and didn't get the job. How am I supposed to get over this feeling of utter worthlessness? Because I'm not. worth. a. damn! So I don't feel good about myself! So what?! What kind of lazy bum am I that I can't get some kind of work (and waaay too shy to do the "Will work for food" scam)?!

I would like to know that life is ok and maybe will get better. But it just doesn't seem that way right now.

I hate the unknown.

ICE STORM 2007!!!!

Can the media just SHUT UP now?! At least here in Guthrie it's not as bad as it could have been, and certainly doesn't warrant 24 hour coverage by the local media. It's assinine! They better not interrupt 24 tonight!!

Well, the KATT blood drive was posponed until next Saturday, when I have the literacy tutoring session. So I have to decide whether I give blood at the charitable organization later this week or just go into the Edmond OBI location and hope to get a KATT t-shirt.

I was kind of hoping that the assignment was over, as it's getting kind of old. but they haven't told me, and I'll stay until they push me out the door. I'll just complain about it alot.

I did have a paragraph complaining about my life (what's new there?), but somehow the palm of my hand rested on buttons and deleted it. That's another thing I dislike about my husband's laptop. Oh well, it wasn't all that original anyway. Just prattling on about my depression. Not crashing like during my PMS week, more like white noise going on all the time.

You know there's nothing going on, when I can't think of anything to write about. Even of my favorite subject - me.

And of the SURGE, what was that old saw? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different outcome everytime?

According to my sitemeter stats, I have one reader. But do you realize what that means? I actually have someone who reads me?! Isn't that just so cool?!

Not much going on. My temp service called me on Friday just to see how the assignment was going. Excuse me? Are these the same people who ignored me after the SWA assignment? Are these the people who have given me grief for telling the people whose work I'm doing when I need to be off and not the people who pay my check (mainly because my shift starts 2-3 hours before my temp service opens)? Well, according to them my assignment still ends around mid-January. So, I guess that means I have 1 or 2 weeks to go. And then what?

Well I'm actually kind of ready for the assignment to be over. Even though I haven't a clue as to what to do next. Since I can't get through an interview to save my life, looking for a new job is kind of pointless.

More later, I guess.

And so it's 2007

Not a good time for me to mull over the past year and think about the one upcoming. I've been sad today. It may be PMS (can I STOP having a period now!!!), though. Completely unsure. My 47-year-old body is kinda wacko in that regard.

My son told me not to worry about his car troubles, he's handling it. Of course he is. He's a good kid, a smart kid, and not a kid (and when did THAT happen?). He called me last night, worried about me. Wow! What did I do to deserve a kid like that?!

I don't know.

I wish I had more talent. Then maybe I could get the stories that occupy my mind out. But then, for the two other people who read this, they could read these blogs to my right - they actually have talent.

And I still have no desire to look for a job that I won't get because I can't interview to save my life. So I have no idea what's going to happen when the current temp job ends. Of course it would be nice if I got my oil money by then. Then maybe I could go to the doctor's and get put on an antidepressant that works for me (like lexapro). And go to the eyedoctors and get new glasses, probably bifocals, so I'm not taking off or putting on my glasses constantly (currently on my forehead). And If it's a lot of money, I can pay off last years taxes, the unemployment their making me return, pay off my car, and start making a dent in old medical bills. And if it's an embarrassingly huge amount of money, buy a new truck and a 5th wheel camper and TRAVEL with the hubby and the children (yes, I mean the dogs). That would be nice.

And coming up this month, the KATT blood drive, and I start my literacy tutor training. I'm pretty psyched about that. I'm not real sure how good a teacher I'll be, being incredibly shy. But still.

I think Bubba (the Basset/hound dog mix) needs a puppy, but the Hubby says 3 dogs are enough. Cletus the rescue Basset still jumps on him, but I don't know why (it MAY be that butt-licking thing). And Ziva the dachshund is a princess, and usually too wrapped up in herself (or playing with her cat, Whiskers, if he's in the house). So it's clear (to me at least) Bubba needs a puppy.

Reading up on Bassets, (when we found Bubba) we learned they have a nose second only to a bloodhound. Today, over at the M-in-L's house, Cletus started sniffing around the couch, went behind the couch, and then back in front of me (sitting on the couch). Would have knocked me off it and lifted it up with just his nose if he could have manage it: there was a rawhide piece stuck inbetween sections. Amazing! He loves his rawhides (and pig ears)!

No, I didn't get the job. Yes, I have given up on looking. Because it doesn't matter if I can DO the job, if I can't get through the interview.

And, I learned yesterday, my son had car troubles in MS and flew back to Charleston, SC. Great parents we are.

But, you say, there would have been nothing you could have done. You didn't have the money to go, or the trailer to put his car on, and the Tahoe isn't in tiptop shape.

I should have done something!! I should have done something.

I left work early today because I thought the Hubby had OD'd. He didn't. Just scared the hoo out of me.

My sister called. Said she got a letter stating ConocoPhillips is taking over our contract and any direct deposit information we had with whoever the previous people were is null and void. AND that they send out checks the 25th of every month. AND this all goes into effect January. Does this mean we're about to get our oil/gas royalty money? Should we have already gotten some of said money? Anyway, she said I got a letter, too - at her house. Is Guthrie that hard to find?! Can they figure out I'm married. What the Hell?!

So, this morning I was feeling really crappy. Not suicidal, but close. I was planning to go to my car at lunch and have a good cry.

Now, I don't know. I'm feeling really optimistic about the future, but also thinking I shouldn't feel that way, because everytime something good happens to me - BAM!! The bottom drops out.

Oh and have I mentioned we have something under the house (it's a double-wide manufactured house, remember), that likes to make chewing, gnawing sounds at night, all night. We're not sure what it is, it doesn't bother the dogs, but sometimes does the cat, it sounds bigger than a mouse. But, We did put some rat poison under the house in a couple of places, but right now we're at the point of taking a gun to the floor. DIE!! DIE, CRITTER, DIE!! I woke up at 3am this morning was unable to get back to sleep. I guess an exterminator is the obvious answer, but that requires money. And I'm not enthused about pulling up the skirting to get to the underside, it never looks the same when you put it back.

Oh, and yesterday, after I told the Hubby about the latest job debacle, he started to cry and told me he wanted me to be happy.

Ditto.

Happy Freakin' Holidays

Ok, I said it, can it be over now?!

I had a job interview for a job I won't get. It kind of reminds me of the horrible anxiety I went through as a kid when taking tests and doing piano recitals (hell itself!). Well piano recitals mainly - I didn't know squat about whatever I took tests on. I never studied. I never did homework. Of course the worst tests were the standardized ones that proved (to me, at least) what a dumbshit I was. Yes, now with the blessing of adult hindsight, I can tell you it wasn't because I was dumb, it was because I didn't try. School was over for me after the Third Grade Debacle.

but on interviews, I DO try, I REALLY DO! To me it's like those Netflik radio ads, except I'm not one of the savvy contestants, I'm completely in the dark. I want to ask, "Is that the right answer? Did I get it?" Can I do the interview in writing?

There is the odd possibility I may get a permanent position at the Christian charitable organization I'm opening mail for. Yeah, the job that bites the big one. But, Hey! I won't have to interview!

I guess I don't even have to say there's no royalty news. Sigh.

And about the Hubby. I'm completely at a loss. I may come home one day soon and find him dead. Or not. I don't actually know any more. He feels like a failure, I tell him he's not, but he doesn't listen to me. His pain is out of control, nothing I can do about that. He's supposed to see a pain guy sometime early next year, but what the hell is he supposed to do that oxy's not doing now?! The Hubby has bad days and worse days, sometime hours.

I don't want my husband to die. I know that's kind of selfish. I'd rather he be here with me and in pain I can't even fathom, than to have his pain relieved in a permanent kind of way. But there's nothing that I can do. Nothing that I can say.

And Christmas. Bites. Blows. Sucks hard. Jimmy is back in Charleston. We don't have any money for presents (and shut up with the "that doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah," it DOES TOO). The mortgage is paid, but my car is behind and gas, electric and phone and cel phone and loan payment are all due (car will be paid). Tomorrow we'll go to the M-in-L's house and listen to the Hubby's blowhard, now lawyer brother and his wife (the Hubby's Ex) talk about how great they are, with the M-in-L eating it up. My sister will probably want us to come over on Christmas day, but geez, me and the Hubby are such downers (losers). I don't want to inflict myself on them.

I Just want it over with. I know I won't get what I want: a nice antidepressant (that works on me) and/or an antianxiety and to be able to pay for it. It would be nice to feel good.

At least I have something to look forward to next month: the KATT blood drive, and the literacy tutor classes.

Wow! It's been, like, forever since I posted last.

It was just a cold that knocked me on my ass. It was a weird cold, though. Fever, chills, nausea aren't what I usually have.

Jimmy's gone back to Charleston to start his six-month job training dealie on a real reactor. Then he'll learn what carrier they're putting him on. Since I'm gone almost 12 hours out of the day, with commute, and overtime, I didn't hardly get to see him. And since I don't have any appreciable money, we didn't get to do stuff. So he mostly sat around the house the first week, went to his dad's that weekend, and hung out with friends the last week. He left yesterday morning, while I was at work. I know, since he is 20 he's an "adult". But I sure worried about him driving that long way by himself. We kept telling him he ought to stop for the night and get a hotel room, but he didn't. He did stop for a while and sleep, but not at a hotel. They think they're so bulletproof at that age.

I got to drive his new, New Beetle. It was wonderful. It made my Kia look like the pathetic POS it is. It did develop a problem with the window. He said he'd take it back to the dealer when he got back to Charleston.

And since I mentioned it, yes, I'm still opening mail for the Christian Charity. Yes, it still blows. I have another offer of a state job opening, I'll call for an interview. But you know I won't get it! I can't interview to save my life. And that's not even counting the panic attacks I get going to the silly things.

They had a prayer meeting on Friday. I felt REALLY out of place. I don't know how to discuss it. I was angry. He was talking about what he called "the disaster after the disaster": how everyone's sooo concerned when it's fresh, but out of sight, out of mind just a while later. I guess I was angry, because it hit home. But if I could reach out, there would be people out there for me to talk to. But I don't, I can't. I mean, look, you read down these posts and there all the same. But it's what's inside of me. What I have to get out of me. I don't even like listening to me, I'm boring (not to mention grotesque looking). So how can I ask people to listen to me?

I'm so envious of Randy's medicare. Even though I don't think our doctor gives a hoot about me personally, I would like to be able to go and get a good antidepressant. But right now, healthcare is out of my price range.

And Randy? Kinda same ol', same ol' - horrible pain, life not worth living, threats to end it all. He's supposed to see a pain management guy sometime early next year (hopefully not the dick he saw once before).

No new news of the oil variety. Come in kinda handy right about now. But I did finally get my Dr Pepper t-shirt I ordered in August. Sweet! Oh! and I'm going to be trained as a Literacy Tutor next month (well one session in late January, One early Feb).

And that's it. Life right now is just existing.

Well.

I just got a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter from the one company I thought I had nailed. I was sure I had it. I. Give. Up. I just cannot get a worthwhile job. And to top it off, I'm afraid I may be fired from the temp job for too many absences (2 being days I was snowed in at home, 2 now sick). I've heard that 3 times and you're out. Yeah, it's a Christian organization all right.

Jimmy drove home all by himself for his about 2 week leave. That makes me happy, but it's not the way it was supposed to be. He's a good guy. One of the very few things I did right. Did I mention he was planned?

And yeah, I'm at home sick, I hope it's just a cold, but I'm afraid it's the flu. I guess it's wrong of me not to want to inflict myself on other people, and want to relax and get better. I guess I should have marched myself to work anyway. Hell, maybe I would have died there. Maybe I was supposed to.

No, I still haven't heard from my oil money. I read on the Oklahoma Corporation Commission's web site that the oil company has 6 months from first sale to pay royalties. OR?!! If after that, they have to pay interest. OOOOH, Scary!! I want my damn money.

It still feels like I'm being ignored by God. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do know. I can't get a job, because I can't interview to save my life. I don't like, and maybe fired from the temp job I have. Oil money is nonexisistant. What?! I'm scared and I need answers and they're just not there. Hello...?!! HELLO?!!!

And finally, I want to say how much I appreciate the few readers I have. Looking at my Sitemeter stats, I realized it couldn't be just me. I don't have a clue as to why you keep coming back, but Thank You very much for doing so. It means alot to me.