Well, I have a two-week temp assignment (floral call-center's Valentine's Day overflow) coming up. But still no real desire to even LOOK for a job. Especially since, you know, I can't pass an interview to save my life.

I haven't seen any oil money. Have learned that my share may only add up to about $500 a month. Hell, I don't know if it's going to come to my house! Who knows? Maybe it won't come at all.

I'm hoping Friday (and my husband's Social Security), comes before my money runs out. I don't know how I'm going to make: my car payment, utilities, car insurance, phone. The mortgage will be taken care of though.

I'm not quite as depressed as I was (but without antidepressants, thats kind of a meaningless phrase), but hysteria (panic?) out the yin-yang.

I've been trying to think of something I could do for a living that I would enjoy. I'm kind of coming up blank. I can't imagine knitting for a living, I do that for fun (when I have money, and antidepressants - it's the first to go). Reading for a living would be cool, but is there really anything like that (in Oklahoma)? Selling my coloring as art would be cool (and no, I can't really discribe it - it's drawing a line that never crosses to make a design and finally connect the ends and color), but who am I kidding - it's coloring, not art.

oh, hell, maybe I should just go to Carl's Jr. or McD's - at least I'd get a meal.

If There Is Anybody Who Actually Reads This...

I need help!

I need to know why life is still worth living, because right now, I just don't see it.

Ya talk about your poop-outs! I got a little bit more sleet, but that was it.

And I know I need to be looking for a job, but it's just not there. All I can think of, is even if I get an interview, I'll just booger it up. The only jobs I had last year were temps. And how many jobs did I interview for? It's just too discouraging.

So, for right now at least, I'm going to be a lazy bum. But if it's any consolation, I hate myself.

Snow Storm 2007!!!!

The temporary assignment opening mail for the Christian Charity has ended. I could've stretched it out another week, but it would have been 4hr days only, and since I come from Guthrie, and have had to have the Hubby cart me around this week, that just didn't pay. We did part amicably. Even though I hated the job and was ready to go, I cried a little. I'm just not good with the unknown. I'm not exactly an optimist. They were having a blood drive yesterday, I tried but had low iron. Would having no breakfast count? It was just before lunch, and I was starving.

And speaking of having the Hubby cart me around...!!!!

I GOT OUT OF THE YARD ON MY OWN CAR'S POWER, FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS WEEK!!!! Of course, my road's still ice packed, and I had to back up until I found a place I could go forward (15 mph on the speedometer, about 2 in actual forward momentum). Once I was onto Industrial (in Guthrie), it was fine, ice spotty only in places, but fine. It was nice to be out and about today! Of course, it's all supposed to go to shit again today (tonight, tomorrow - whenever). Figures.

So, probably won't get out to the KATT blood drive tomorrow, my Literacy Tutor Training has been postponed for a couple of weeks. So, I'm free.

Now I'm at the point again of needing a job. I've been looking at job openings, but not really seriously. After all, I can't get through an interview to save my life. And there's always some, more competent, person (or a better bs'r) behind me, ready to mop up my mistakes.

I hate the unknown. The only thing wrong with me is depression (well, and high cholesterol). I should be able to look for, and get, a job. Maybe I should do what the M-in-L says and like go to Wal-Mart or McD's or so, don't they hire about anybody? I tried Target last year, 2 of them in fact. but guess what? Yes, I boogered up the interviews and didn't get the job. How am I supposed to get over this feeling of utter worthlessness? Because I'm not. worth. a. damn! So I don't feel good about myself! So what?! What kind of lazy bum am I that I can't get some kind of work (and waaay too shy to do the "Will work for food" scam)?!

I would like to know that life is ok and maybe will get better. But it just doesn't seem that way right now.

I hate the unknown.

ICE STORM 2007!!!!

Can the media just SHUT UP now?! At least here in Guthrie it's not as bad as it could have been, and certainly doesn't warrant 24 hour coverage by the local media. It's assinine! They better not interrupt 24 tonight!!

Well, the KATT blood drive was posponed until next Saturday, when I have the literacy tutoring session. So I have to decide whether I give blood at the charitable organization later this week or just go into the Edmond OBI location and hope to get a KATT t-shirt.

I was kind of hoping that the assignment was over, as it's getting kind of old. but they haven't told me, and I'll stay until they push me out the door. I'll just complain about it alot.

I did have a paragraph complaining about my life (what's new there?), but somehow the palm of my hand rested on buttons and deleted it. That's another thing I dislike about my husband's laptop. Oh well, it wasn't all that original anyway. Just prattling on about my depression. Not crashing like during my PMS week, more like white noise going on all the time.

You know there's nothing going on, when I can't think of anything to write about. Even of my favorite subject - me.

And of the SURGE, what was that old saw? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different outcome everytime?

According to my sitemeter stats, I have one reader. But do you realize what that means? I actually have someone who reads me?! Isn't that just so cool?!

Not much going on. My temp service called me on Friday just to see how the assignment was going. Excuse me? Are these the same people who ignored me after the SWA assignment? Are these the people who have given me grief for telling the people whose work I'm doing when I need to be off and not the people who pay my check (mainly because my shift starts 2-3 hours before my temp service opens)? Well, according to them my assignment still ends around mid-January. So, I guess that means I have 1 or 2 weeks to go. And then what?

Well I'm actually kind of ready for the assignment to be over. Even though I haven't a clue as to what to do next. Since I can't get through an interview to save my life, looking for a new job is kind of pointless.

More later, I guess.

And so it's 2007

Not a good time for me to mull over the past year and think about the one upcoming. I've been sad today. It may be PMS (can I STOP having a period now!!!), though. Completely unsure. My 47-year-old body is kinda wacko in that regard.

My son told me not to worry about his car troubles, he's handling it. Of course he is. He's a good kid, a smart kid, and not a kid (and when did THAT happen?). He called me last night, worried about me. Wow! What did I do to deserve a kid like that?!

I don't know.

I wish I had more talent. Then maybe I could get the stories that occupy my mind out. But then, for the two other people who read this, they could read these blogs to my right - they actually have talent.

And I still have no desire to look for a job that I won't get because I can't interview to save my life. So I have no idea what's going to happen when the current temp job ends. Of course it would be nice if I got my oil money by then. Then maybe I could go to the doctor's and get put on an antidepressant that works for me (like lexapro). And go to the eyedoctors and get new glasses, probably bifocals, so I'm not taking off or putting on my glasses constantly (currently on my forehead). And If it's a lot of money, I can pay off last years taxes, the unemployment their making me return, pay off my car, and start making a dent in old medical bills. And if it's an embarrassingly huge amount of money, buy a new truck and a 5th wheel camper and TRAVEL with the hubby and the children (yes, I mean the dogs). That would be nice.

And coming up this month, the KATT blood drive, and I start my literacy tutor training. I'm pretty psyched about that. I'm not real sure how good a teacher I'll be, being incredibly shy. But still.

I think Bubba (the Basset/hound dog mix) needs a puppy, but the Hubby says 3 dogs are enough. Cletus the rescue Basset still jumps on him, but I don't know why (it MAY be that butt-licking thing). And Ziva the dachshund is a princess, and usually too wrapped up in herself (or playing with her cat, Whiskers, if he's in the house). So it's clear (to me at least) Bubba needs a puppy.

Reading up on Bassets, (when we found Bubba) we learned they have a nose second only to a bloodhound. Today, over at the M-in-L's house, Cletus started sniffing around the couch, went behind the couch, and then back in front of me (sitting on the couch). Would have knocked me off it and lifted it up with just his nose if he could have manage it: there was a rawhide piece stuck inbetween sections. Amazing! He loves his rawhides (and pig ears)!

No, I didn't get the job. Yes, I have given up on looking. Because it doesn't matter if I can DO the job, if I can't get through the interview.

And, I learned yesterday, my son had car troubles in MS and flew back to Charleston, SC. Great parents we are.

But, you say, there would have been nothing you could have done. You didn't have the money to go, or the trailer to put his car on, and the Tahoe isn't in tiptop shape.

I should have done something!! I should have done something.

I left work early today because I thought the Hubby had OD'd. He didn't. Just scared the hoo out of me.

My sister called. Said she got a letter stating ConocoPhillips is taking over our contract and any direct deposit information we had with whoever the previous people were is null and void. AND that they send out checks the 25th of every month. AND this all goes into effect January. Does this mean we're about to get our oil/gas royalty money? Should we have already gotten some of said money? Anyway, she said I got a letter, too - at her house. Is Guthrie that hard to find?! Can they figure out I'm married. What the Hell?!

So, this morning I was feeling really crappy. Not suicidal, but close. I was planning to go to my car at lunch and have a good cry.

Now, I don't know. I'm feeling really optimistic about the future, but also thinking I shouldn't feel that way, because everytime something good happens to me - BAM!! The bottom drops out.

Oh and have I mentioned we have something under the house (it's a double-wide manufactured house, remember), that likes to make chewing, gnawing sounds at night, all night. We're not sure what it is, it doesn't bother the dogs, but sometimes does the cat, it sounds bigger than a mouse. But, We did put some rat poison under the house in a couple of places, but right now we're at the point of taking a gun to the floor. DIE!! DIE, CRITTER, DIE!! I woke up at 3am this morning was unable to get back to sleep. I guess an exterminator is the obvious answer, but that requires money. And I'm not enthused about pulling up the skirting to get to the underside, it never looks the same when you put it back.

Oh, and yesterday, after I told the Hubby about the latest job debacle, he started to cry and told me he wanted me to be happy.

Ditto.

Happy Freakin' Holidays

Ok, I said it, can it be over now?!

I had a job interview for a job I won't get. It kind of reminds me of the horrible anxiety I went through as a kid when taking tests and doing piano recitals (hell itself!). Well piano recitals mainly - I didn't know squat about whatever I took tests on. I never studied. I never did homework. Of course the worst tests were the standardized ones that proved (to me, at least) what a dumbshit I was. Yes, now with the blessing of adult hindsight, I can tell you it wasn't because I was dumb, it was because I didn't try. School was over for me after the Third Grade Debacle.

but on interviews, I DO try, I REALLY DO! To me it's like those Netflik radio ads, except I'm not one of the savvy contestants, I'm completely in the dark. I want to ask, "Is that the right answer? Did I get it?" Can I do the interview in writing?

There is the odd possibility I may get a permanent position at the Christian charitable organization I'm opening mail for. Yeah, the job that bites the big one. But, Hey! I won't have to interview!

I guess I don't even have to say there's no royalty news. Sigh.

And about the Hubby. I'm completely at a loss. I may come home one day soon and find him dead. Or not. I don't actually know any more. He feels like a failure, I tell him he's not, but he doesn't listen to me. His pain is out of control, nothing I can do about that. He's supposed to see a pain guy sometime early next year, but what the hell is he supposed to do that oxy's not doing now?! The Hubby has bad days and worse days, sometime hours.

I don't want my husband to die. I know that's kind of selfish. I'd rather he be here with me and in pain I can't even fathom, than to have his pain relieved in a permanent kind of way. But there's nothing that I can do. Nothing that I can say.

And Christmas. Bites. Blows. Sucks hard. Jimmy is back in Charleston. We don't have any money for presents (and shut up with the "that doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah," it DOES TOO). The mortgage is paid, but my car is behind and gas, electric and phone and cel phone and loan payment are all due (car will be paid). Tomorrow we'll go to the M-in-L's house and listen to the Hubby's blowhard, now lawyer brother and his wife (the Hubby's Ex) talk about how great they are, with the M-in-L eating it up. My sister will probably want us to come over on Christmas day, but geez, me and the Hubby are such downers (losers). I don't want to inflict myself on them.

I Just want it over with. I know I won't get what I want: a nice antidepressant (that works on me) and/or an antianxiety and to be able to pay for it. It would be nice to feel good.

At least I have something to look forward to next month: the KATT blood drive, and the literacy tutor classes.

Wow! It's been, like, forever since I posted last.

It was just a cold that knocked me on my ass. It was a weird cold, though. Fever, chills, nausea aren't what I usually have.

Jimmy's gone back to Charleston to start his six-month job training dealie on a real reactor. Then he'll learn what carrier they're putting him on. Since I'm gone almost 12 hours out of the day, with commute, and overtime, I didn't hardly get to see him. And since I don't have any appreciable money, we didn't get to do stuff. So he mostly sat around the house the first week, went to his dad's that weekend, and hung out with friends the last week. He left yesterday morning, while I was at work. I know, since he is 20 he's an "adult". But I sure worried about him driving that long way by himself. We kept telling him he ought to stop for the night and get a hotel room, but he didn't. He did stop for a while and sleep, but not at a hotel. They think they're so bulletproof at that age.

I got to drive his new, New Beetle. It was wonderful. It made my Kia look like the pathetic POS it is. It did develop a problem with the window. He said he'd take it back to the dealer when he got back to Charleston.

And since I mentioned it, yes, I'm still opening mail for the Christian Charity. Yes, it still blows. I have another offer of a state job opening, I'll call for an interview. But you know I won't get it! I can't interview to save my life. And that's not even counting the panic attacks I get going to the silly things.

They had a prayer meeting on Friday. I felt REALLY out of place. I don't know how to discuss it. I was angry. He was talking about what he called "the disaster after the disaster": how everyone's sooo concerned when it's fresh, but out of sight, out of mind just a while later. I guess I was angry, because it hit home. But if I could reach out, there would be people out there for me to talk to. But I don't, I can't. I mean, look, you read down these posts and there all the same. But it's what's inside of me. What I have to get out of me. I don't even like listening to me, I'm boring (not to mention grotesque looking). So how can I ask people to listen to me?

I'm so envious of Randy's medicare. Even though I don't think our doctor gives a hoot about me personally, I would like to be able to go and get a good antidepressant. But right now, healthcare is out of my price range.

And Randy? Kinda same ol', same ol' - horrible pain, life not worth living, threats to end it all. He's supposed to see a pain management guy sometime early next year (hopefully not the dick he saw once before).

No new news of the oil variety. Come in kinda handy right about now. But I did finally get my Dr Pepper t-shirt I ordered in August. Sweet! Oh! and I'm going to be trained as a Literacy Tutor next month (well one session in late January, One early Feb).

And that's it. Life right now is just existing.

Well.

I just got a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter from the one company I thought I had nailed. I was sure I had it. I. Give. Up. I just cannot get a worthwhile job. And to top it off, I'm afraid I may be fired from the temp job for too many absences (2 being days I was snowed in at home, 2 now sick). I've heard that 3 times and you're out. Yeah, it's a Christian organization all right.

Jimmy drove home all by himself for his about 2 week leave. That makes me happy, but it's not the way it was supposed to be. He's a good guy. One of the very few things I did right. Did I mention he was planned?

And yeah, I'm at home sick, I hope it's just a cold, but I'm afraid it's the flu. I guess it's wrong of me not to want to inflict myself on other people, and want to relax and get better. I guess I should have marched myself to work anyway. Hell, maybe I would have died there. Maybe I was supposed to.

No, I still haven't heard from my oil money. I read on the Oklahoma Corporation Commission's web site that the oil company has 6 months from first sale to pay royalties. OR?!! If after that, they have to pay interest. OOOOH, Scary!! I want my damn money.

It still feels like I'm being ignored by God. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do know. I can't get a job, because I can't interview to save my life. I don't like, and maybe fired from the temp job I have. Oil money is nonexisistant. What?! I'm scared and I need answers and they're just not there. Hello...?!! HELLO?!!!

And finally, I want to say how much I appreciate the few readers I have. Looking at my Sitemeter stats, I realized it couldn't be just me. I don't have a clue as to why you keep coming back, but Thank You very much for doing so. It means alot to me.

Rants: Same Ol', Same Ol'

Well.

At Thanksgiving I had to tell my son I couldn't come to see him graduate this Friday from the Nuke program, because we don't have the money to travel to Charleston. Well, I kinda palmed that off to the Hubby. He offered money, which we knew he would, he's a good kid. This like the story of my life, always disappointing somebody, especially Jimmy. I've always struggled for money, providing the roof over his head and food, but always coming up short in the extras. I guess I always relied on my ex to provide what I couldn't.

This has been the worst year, and it's all my fault. Yes, I hated working at Cendant, but why couldn't I just suck it up and follow their stupid no internet rules? I'd still have the good paying, but soul-sucking job I'd had for 4 years. And, possibly, probably, the money to go to charleston. But noooooo, I had to screw up and get fired, and then have problems getting a job, then take what I thought I should do, but that didn't pan out and now I'm opening mail.

But why couldn't I have gotten my oil money?! It's out there in Roger Mills County pumping away. I haven't seen one dime.

The Hubby is devastated, and blames himself. I think he's close to suicide, but there's nothing I can do. I'll be away from him at work most of the day. Mental health is one thing Medicare doesn't pay well. I don't want him to die, but I can't stop him.

And all we need is money. All we needed was a little miracle, so I could be with the Hubby, and we could go to Charleston to see my son graduate.

I told God I needed a miracle because I feared for the Hubby's life - nothing. Well, to be fair, God has until Wednesday.

It sounds so frivolous, but it's crushing us, and we have nobody to talk to.

Life just isn't worth living.

I have learned two things opening mail for the OKC based Christian Charity: opening mail is boring, and I will NEVER do anything else for Today's Staffing!! First of all, when I get there Friday (before last), they didn't even know I was coming! Now, last week, they call me during work, like it's some kind of emergency. What was it that was so all-fired important? That I needed to fax them my time card before 1pm Friday or I wouldn't get paid for that week until the next week. I'm told that the people I work for will just estimate my time for Friday and Saturday, that that's ok. Well, it wasn't really ok with them, but they did it anyway. And the card didn't get faxed until after 2pm, so I may be paid this week or not.

Oh, and I most likely won't be able to go see Jimmy next (not this) week. No money. DAMN IT!!! It's not like I'm asking for much. I'm asking for what's due to me already. I'm so proud of my son! I want to show my support!

And I did have 2 job interviews last week, I think I did okay at both. I'm cautiously optimistic. But, hell I've thought that before.

Happy Election Eve

Well.

I've rejoined the ranks of the employed. Openning mail and data entry at a local Christian Charity. It's a temp job. I'm not real sure I want it, but don't really seem to have an alternative. I did have an interview at the State Department of Health for a Admin Tech job, very interesting job, to me the interview seemed to go well, but I have a history of boogering interviews. That would be the one I want.

And, thank God election day is Tomorrow!! For me, the gist is: I am voting for NO Republicans. Since I don't live in Oklahoma County, I don't get the pleasure of voting against Mary Fallin and Wes Lane. The best I get is voting against Frank Lucas (that would be FOR Sue Barton - and I think she has a good chance).

And doesn't the Saddam verdict coming when it did seem awfully coincidental? And maybe I'm too much of a peacenik, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do right now. My husband completely disagrees. To me, it just seems like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Oh, and I STILL haven't received any royalty money. If the Little Well that Could out in Roger Mills County is pumping oil and natural gas out of the ground, the oil companies (or whoever) should be prying open their wallet to pay me. Why is it taking so long? I need that money so I can go to Jimmy's graduation at the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command in Charleston late November. He wants us there, we need to be there. period.

I've been really, really depressed, well I'd say lately, but it's actually been months. I really need to see a doctor and get put on a good antidepressant, like Lexapro, but that costs money I don't have.

I'm at the point where I know I need to write, but I don't have anything to write about, that I haven't already spewed on.

I guess I have to face it: I don't write well.

Well, of the family news, the Hubby has a sleep study tonight. His oxy just isn't working anymore, but since the doctor is moving to a new location in November, we're waiting until then to see him. At least he can go. My son, Jimmy, has a graduation ceremony from the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command on December 1, I got the invitation today. Hopefully, I'll have some kind of oil/gas money by then to be able to go. I really can't handle NOT being able to go! He wants us to help him buy a car to take to the next class location in NY. I'm sooo proud of him!

I wish he could be proud of me.

My Dream Job

I had the interview for said dream job today, Library Technician I at the blind and disabled library near the capitol. And the more I heard about it, the more it seemed like it was meant for just me. Actually there are 2 opennings, one involves making recordings of books, the other more librarian-ish. Could there be anything more perfect?

One problem, entry level though it is, I don't have any experience in audio making things. And, of course, the only library experience I have is as patron. The interview itself went very well, I think, I was friendly, open, only mildly terrified, and smiled and laughed (naturally!!) throughout. It left me with a high (again naturally!!) that lasted until just about an hour or so ago.

Yeah, that's my dream job alright. One is like reading for money (I can do out loud), both are being in a library all day long - how cool is that?!

And as cool as it is - I don't think I'm going to get it. Let me tell you, they interviewed maybe 10 people total, nobody - and I mean NOBODY - wanted more than I. But, again, there's the experience thing I went into above (yeah, I should cut and paste that part here, but hell, noone reads this anyway). So, now I falling apart - again.

We have no money - the Hubby has prescriptions he needs that we don't have the money for (and yeah, I mean the piddly copays). The oil money could show up anytime from now to Christmas - can't it happen now?! And it's all my fault!!

I did give blood today (and once again they had to stick both arms - little veins). So, maybe it'll work it's karma magic and something (ANYTHING!!) good will come of it.

Happy F'in Birthday To Me

Life bites.

Blogging the Library, Again

Yeah, well. I had a job interview yesterday. I'm pretty sure I tanked the interview. That's my problem, I don't interview well. It doesn't matter that I can do any type of clerical-y, customer service-y, call center-y job out there - you have to prove it in the interview. My mind and my body turn in to jello (human-flavored gelatin in case somebody complains about the copyright infringement). I was shaking. I'm pretty sure I was sweating. And maybe answered too truthfully for comfort. The Hubby says I shouldn't mention anything about my past problems with depression. Well, I have one more interview on the 19th, let's see if I screw that one up.

Sigh. I feel sooo worthless.

And stuck. Stuck in Guthrie.

As September comes to a close, let me do what I do best, obsess about myself.

Well, I may be getting unemployment, I should know by next week. And, since my period just ended, and PMS not yet begun, I actually feel....ok, not great, but ok. I DO have a job interview next week, and, yes, the thought of which is freaking me out. You know, I don't know if I want this position, I think I'd like the Library Tech position I'm interviewing for on Oct. 19 better. I still think working in a library, even if it's for the blind and disabled would be sooo cool! The hubby says I shouldn't mention depression at all, I should say I was concerned about my husband's illness, upset that he'll never get better. I said "I'm not good at lying." He told me it wasn't a lie. Then, why does it feel like it? And, how am I supposed to get over the feeling that it doesn't matter how well I can do the job, if I'm an incompetent interviewee. The interview is the all important thing.

The electricity got shut off yesterday for about 30 minutes. I didn't have close to the whole bill, but enough to pay the over-overdue portion. I guess the gas and phone will be next. And I also guess I'm no longer getting food stamps. One thing I've discovered, is that food stamps (actually an electronic card) are great! It was wonderful not having to worry about how you're going to buy food! There should be no shame involved at all! If you need it, it's there! Use it! I think the Hubby should be the one to go to the DHS to complain about not getting it anymore. He is the one on disability. And since my shyness right now is bordering on social phobia, it's almost impossible for me. Well, that's my excuse.

Politics has become impossible to talk about - me and the Hubby are 180 degrees away from each other. But basically only on Iraq and Bush. And geez, I hate confrontation. I got that from my first marriage, I guess.

I would still like to get the 5 or so stories out of my head, but I don't know how, or if they're any good. I'd like to talk to someone, a writer or so, about it, but that's another thing I get squeemish about (see shyness comment above).

Gotta go now. More later.

Still doing the "Poor little me" thing - not attractive.

Have a job interview next week - freaking out.

Have a new Grand-niece (?), named Piper, 7lbs 6oz.

Wow, this isn't even worth blogging! Add more later - I'm at the library, being timed out.