No, I didn't get the job. Yes, I have given up on looking. Because it doesn't matter if I can DO the job, if I can't get through the interview.

And, I learned yesterday, my son had car troubles in MS and flew back to Charleston, SC. Great parents we are.

But, you say, there would have been nothing you could have done. You didn't have the money to go, or the trailer to put his car on, and the Tahoe isn't in tiptop shape.

I should have done something!! I should have done something.

I left work early today because I thought the Hubby had OD'd. He didn't. Just scared the hoo out of me.

My sister called. Said she got a letter stating ConocoPhillips is taking over our contract and any direct deposit information we had with whoever the previous people were is null and void. AND that they send out checks the 25th of every month. AND this all goes into effect January. Does this mean we're about to get our oil/gas royalty money? Should we have already gotten some of said money? Anyway, she said I got a letter, too - at her house. Is Guthrie that hard to find?! Can they figure out I'm married. What the Hell?!

So, this morning I was feeling really crappy. Not suicidal, but close. I was planning to go to my car at lunch and have a good cry.

Now, I don't know. I'm feeling really optimistic about the future, but also thinking I shouldn't feel that way, because everytime something good happens to me - BAM!! The bottom drops out.

Oh and have I mentioned we have something under the house (it's a double-wide manufactured house, remember), that likes to make chewing, gnawing sounds at night, all night. We're not sure what it is, it doesn't bother the dogs, but sometimes does the cat, it sounds bigger than a mouse. But, We did put some rat poison under the house in a couple of places, but right now we're at the point of taking a gun to the floor. DIE!! DIE, CRITTER, DIE!! I woke up at 3am this morning was unable to get back to sleep. I guess an exterminator is the obvious answer, but that requires money. And I'm not enthused about pulling up the skirting to get to the underside, it never looks the same when you put it back.

Oh, and yesterday, after I told the Hubby about the latest job debacle, he started to cry and told me he wanted me to be happy.

Ditto.

Happy Freakin' Holidays

Ok, I said it, can it be over now?!

I had a job interview for a job I won't get. It kind of reminds me of the horrible anxiety I went through as a kid when taking tests and doing piano recitals (hell itself!). Well piano recitals mainly - I didn't know squat about whatever I took tests on. I never studied. I never did homework. Of course the worst tests were the standardized ones that proved (to me, at least) what a dumbshit I was. Yes, now with the blessing of adult hindsight, I can tell you it wasn't because I was dumb, it was because I didn't try. School was over for me after the Third Grade Debacle.

but on interviews, I DO try, I REALLY DO! To me it's like those Netflik radio ads, except I'm not one of the savvy contestants, I'm completely in the dark. I want to ask, "Is that the right answer? Did I get it?" Can I do the interview in writing?

There is the odd possibility I may get a permanent position at the Christian charitable organization I'm opening mail for. Yeah, the job that bites the big one. But, Hey! I won't have to interview!

I guess I don't even have to say there's no royalty news. Sigh.

And about the Hubby. I'm completely at a loss. I may come home one day soon and find him dead. Or not. I don't actually know any more. He feels like a failure, I tell him he's not, but he doesn't listen to me. His pain is out of control, nothing I can do about that. He's supposed to see a pain guy sometime early next year, but what the hell is he supposed to do that oxy's not doing now?! The Hubby has bad days and worse days, sometime hours.

I don't want my husband to die. I know that's kind of selfish. I'd rather he be here with me and in pain I can't even fathom, than to have his pain relieved in a permanent kind of way. But there's nothing that I can do. Nothing that I can say.

And Christmas. Bites. Blows. Sucks hard. Jimmy is back in Charleston. We don't have any money for presents (and shut up with the "that doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah," it DOES TOO). The mortgage is paid, but my car is behind and gas, electric and phone and cel phone and loan payment are all due (car will be paid). Tomorrow we'll go to the M-in-L's house and listen to the Hubby's blowhard, now lawyer brother and his wife (the Hubby's Ex) talk about how great they are, with the M-in-L eating it up. My sister will probably want us to come over on Christmas day, but geez, me and the Hubby are such downers (losers). I don't want to inflict myself on them.

I Just want it over with. I know I won't get what I want: a nice antidepressant (that works on me) and/or an antianxiety and to be able to pay for it. It would be nice to feel good.

At least I have something to look forward to next month: the KATT blood drive, and the literacy tutor classes.

Wow! It's been, like, forever since I posted last.

It was just a cold that knocked me on my ass. It was a weird cold, though. Fever, chills, nausea aren't what I usually have.

Jimmy's gone back to Charleston to start his six-month job training dealie on a real reactor. Then he'll learn what carrier they're putting him on. Since I'm gone almost 12 hours out of the day, with commute, and overtime, I didn't hardly get to see him. And since I don't have any appreciable money, we didn't get to do stuff. So he mostly sat around the house the first week, went to his dad's that weekend, and hung out with friends the last week. He left yesterday morning, while I was at work. I know, since he is 20 he's an "adult". But I sure worried about him driving that long way by himself. We kept telling him he ought to stop for the night and get a hotel room, but he didn't. He did stop for a while and sleep, but not at a hotel. They think they're so bulletproof at that age.

I got to drive his new, New Beetle. It was wonderful. It made my Kia look like the pathetic POS it is. It did develop a problem with the window. He said he'd take it back to the dealer when he got back to Charleston.

And since I mentioned it, yes, I'm still opening mail for the Christian Charity. Yes, it still blows. I have another offer of a state job opening, I'll call for an interview. But you know I won't get it! I can't interview to save my life. And that's not even counting the panic attacks I get going to the silly things.

They had a prayer meeting on Friday. I felt REALLY out of place. I don't know how to discuss it. I was angry. He was talking about what he called "the disaster after the disaster": how everyone's sooo concerned when it's fresh, but out of sight, out of mind just a while later. I guess I was angry, because it hit home. But if I could reach out, there would be people out there for me to talk to. But I don't, I can't. I mean, look, you read down these posts and there all the same. But it's what's inside of me. What I have to get out of me. I don't even like listening to me, I'm boring (not to mention grotesque looking). So how can I ask people to listen to me?

I'm so envious of Randy's medicare. Even though I don't think our doctor gives a hoot about me personally, I would like to be able to go and get a good antidepressant. But right now, healthcare is out of my price range.

And Randy? Kinda same ol', same ol' - horrible pain, life not worth living, threats to end it all. He's supposed to see a pain management guy sometime early next year (hopefully not the dick he saw once before).

No new news of the oil variety. Come in kinda handy right about now. But I did finally get my Dr Pepper t-shirt I ordered in August. Sweet! Oh! and I'm going to be trained as a Literacy Tutor next month (well one session in late January, One early Feb).

And that's it. Life right now is just existing.

Well.

I just got a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter from the one company I thought I had nailed. I was sure I had it. I. Give. Up. I just cannot get a worthwhile job. And to top it off, I'm afraid I may be fired from the temp job for too many absences (2 being days I was snowed in at home, 2 now sick). I've heard that 3 times and you're out. Yeah, it's a Christian organization all right.

Jimmy drove home all by himself for his about 2 week leave. That makes me happy, but it's not the way it was supposed to be. He's a good guy. One of the very few things I did right. Did I mention he was planned?

And yeah, I'm at home sick, I hope it's just a cold, but I'm afraid it's the flu. I guess it's wrong of me not to want to inflict myself on other people, and want to relax and get better. I guess I should have marched myself to work anyway. Hell, maybe I would have died there. Maybe I was supposed to.

No, I still haven't heard from my oil money. I read on the Oklahoma Corporation Commission's web site that the oil company has 6 months from first sale to pay royalties. OR?!! If after that, they have to pay interest. OOOOH, Scary!! I want my damn money.

It still feels like I'm being ignored by God. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do know. I can't get a job, because I can't interview to save my life. I don't like, and maybe fired from the temp job I have. Oil money is nonexisistant. What?! I'm scared and I need answers and they're just not there. Hello...?!! HELLO?!!!

And finally, I want to say how much I appreciate the few readers I have. Looking at my Sitemeter stats, I realized it couldn't be just me. I don't have a clue as to why you keep coming back, but Thank You very much for doing so. It means alot to me.

Rants: Same Ol', Same Ol'

Well.

At Thanksgiving I had to tell my son I couldn't come to see him graduate this Friday from the Nuke program, because we don't have the money to travel to Charleston. Well, I kinda palmed that off to the Hubby. He offered money, which we knew he would, he's a good kid. This like the story of my life, always disappointing somebody, especially Jimmy. I've always struggled for money, providing the roof over his head and food, but always coming up short in the extras. I guess I always relied on my ex to provide what I couldn't.

This has been the worst year, and it's all my fault. Yes, I hated working at Cendant, but why couldn't I just suck it up and follow their stupid no internet rules? I'd still have the good paying, but soul-sucking job I'd had for 4 years. And, possibly, probably, the money to go to charleston. But noooooo, I had to screw up and get fired, and then have problems getting a job, then take what I thought I should do, but that didn't pan out and now I'm opening mail.

But why couldn't I have gotten my oil money?! It's out there in Roger Mills County pumping away. I haven't seen one dime.

The Hubby is devastated, and blames himself. I think he's close to suicide, but there's nothing I can do. I'll be away from him at work most of the day. Mental health is one thing Medicare doesn't pay well. I don't want him to die, but I can't stop him.

And all we need is money. All we needed was a little miracle, so I could be with the Hubby, and we could go to Charleston to see my son graduate.

I told God I needed a miracle because I feared for the Hubby's life - nothing. Well, to be fair, God has until Wednesday.

It sounds so frivolous, but it's crushing us, and we have nobody to talk to.

Life just isn't worth living.

I have learned two things opening mail for the OKC based Christian Charity: opening mail is boring, and I will NEVER do anything else for Today's Staffing!! First of all, when I get there Friday (before last), they didn't even know I was coming! Now, last week, they call me during work, like it's some kind of emergency. What was it that was so all-fired important? That I needed to fax them my time card before 1pm Friday or I wouldn't get paid for that week until the next week. I'm told that the people I work for will just estimate my time for Friday and Saturday, that that's ok. Well, it wasn't really ok with them, but they did it anyway. And the card didn't get faxed until after 2pm, so I may be paid this week or not.

Oh, and I most likely won't be able to go see Jimmy next (not this) week. No money. DAMN IT!!! It's not like I'm asking for much. I'm asking for what's due to me already. I'm so proud of my son! I want to show my support!

And I did have 2 job interviews last week, I think I did okay at both. I'm cautiously optimistic. But, hell I've thought that before.

Happy Election Eve

Well.

I've rejoined the ranks of the employed. Openning mail and data entry at a local Christian Charity. It's a temp job. I'm not real sure I want it, but don't really seem to have an alternative. I did have an interview at the State Department of Health for a Admin Tech job, very interesting job, to me the interview seemed to go well, but I have a history of boogering interviews. That would be the one I want.

And, thank God election day is Tomorrow!! For me, the gist is: I am voting for NO Republicans. Since I don't live in Oklahoma County, I don't get the pleasure of voting against Mary Fallin and Wes Lane. The best I get is voting against Frank Lucas (that would be FOR Sue Barton - and I think she has a good chance).

And doesn't the Saddam verdict coming when it did seem awfully coincidental? And maybe I'm too much of a peacenik, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do right now. My husband completely disagrees. To me, it just seems like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Oh, and I STILL haven't received any royalty money. If the Little Well that Could out in Roger Mills County is pumping oil and natural gas out of the ground, the oil companies (or whoever) should be prying open their wallet to pay me. Why is it taking so long? I need that money so I can go to Jimmy's graduation at the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command in Charleston late November. He wants us there, we need to be there. period.

I've been really, really depressed, well I'd say lately, but it's actually been months. I really need to see a doctor and get put on a good antidepressant, like Lexapro, but that costs money I don't have.

I'm at the point where I know I need to write, but I don't have anything to write about, that I haven't already spewed on.

I guess I have to face it: I don't write well.

Well, of the family news, the Hubby has a sleep study tonight. His oxy just isn't working anymore, but since the doctor is moving to a new location in November, we're waiting until then to see him. At least he can go. My son, Jimmy, has a graduation ceremony from the Naval Nuclear Power Training Command on December 1, I got the invitation today. Hopefully, I'll have some kind of oil/gas money by then to be able to go. I really can't handle NOT being able to go! He wants us to help him buy a car to take to the next class location in NY. I'm sooo proud of him!

I wish he could be proud of me.

My Dream Job

I had the interview for said dream job today, Library Technician I at the blind and disabled library near the capitol. And the more I heard about it, the more it seemed like it was meant for just me. Actually there are 2 opennings, one involves making recordings of books, the other more librarian-ish. Could there be anything more perfect?

One problem, entry level though it is, I don't have any experience in audio making things. And, of course, the only library experience I have is as patron. The interview itself went very well, I think, I was friendly, open, only mildly terrified, and smiled and laughed (naturally!!) throughout. It left me with a high (again naturally!!) that lasted until just about an hour or so ago.

Yeah, that's my dream job alright. One is like reading for money (I can do out loud), both are being in a library all day long - how cool is that?!

And as cool as it is - I don't think I'm going to get it. Let me tell you, they interviewed maybe 10 people total, nobody - and I mean NOBODY - wanted more than I. But, again, there's the experience thing I went into above (yeah, I should cut and paste that part here, but hell, noone reads this anyway). So, now I falling apart - again.

We have no money - the Hubby has prescriptions he needs that we don't have the money for (and yeah, I mean the piddly copays). The oil money could show up anytime from now to Christmas - can't it happen now?! And it's all my fault!!

I did give blood today (and once again they had to stick both arms - little veins). So, maybe it'll work it's karma magic and something (ANYTHING!!) good will come of it.

Happy F'in Birthday To Me

Life bites.

Blogging the Library, Again

Yeah, well. I had a job interview yesterday. I'm pretty sure I tanked the interview. That's my problem, I don't interview well. It doesn't matter that I can do any type of clerical-y, customer service-y, call center-y job out there - you have to prove it in the interview. My mind and my body turn in to jello (human-flavored gelatin in case somebody complains about the copyright infringement). I was shaking. I'm pretty sure I was sweating. And maybe answered too truthfully for comfort. The Hubby says I shouldn't mention anything about my past problems with depression. Well, I have one more interview on the 19th, let's see if I screw that one up.

Sigh. I feel sooo worthless.

And stuck. Stuck in Guthrie.

As September comes to a close, let me do what I do best, obsess about myself.

Well, I may be getting unemployment, I should know by next week. And, since my period just ended, and PMS not yet begun, I actually feel....ok, not great, but ok. I DO have a job interview next week, and, yes, the thought of which is freaking me out. You know, I don't know if I want this position, I think I'd like the Library Tech position I'm interviewing for on Oct. 19 better. I still think working in a library, even if it's for the blind and disabled would be sooo cool! The hubby says I shouldn't mention depression at all, I should say I was concerned about my husband's illness, upset that he'll never get better. I said "I'm not good at lying." He told me it wasn't a lie. Then, why does it feel like it? And, how am I supposed to get over the feeling that it doesn't matter how well I can do the job, if I'm an incompetent interviewee. The interview is the all important thing.

The electricity got shut off yesterday for about 30 minutes. I didn't have close to the whole bill, but enough to pay the over-overdue portion. I guess the gas and phone will be next. And I also guess I'm no longer getting food stamps. One thing I've discovered, is that food stamps (actually an electronic card) are great! It was wonderful not having to worry about how you're going to buy food! There should be no shame involved at all! If you need it, it's there! Use it! I think the Hubby should be the one to go to the DHS to complain about not getting it anymore. He is the one on disability. And since my shyness right now is bordering on social phobia, it's almost impossible for me. Well, that's my excuse.

Politics has become impossible to talk about - me and the Hubby are 180 degrees away from each other. But basically only on Iraq and Bush. And geez, I hate confrontation. I got that from my first marriage, I guess.

I would still like to get the 5 or so stories out of my head, but I don't know how, or if they're any good. I'd like to talk to someone, a writer or so, about it, but that's another thing I get squeemish about (see shyness comment above).

Gotta go now. More later.

Still doing the "Poor little me" thing - not attractive.

Have a job interview next week - freaking out.

Have a new Grand-niece (?), named Piper, 7lbs 6oz.

Wow, this isn't even worth blogging! Add more later - I'm at the library, being timed out.

I'm at a point where I need to write, but the problem is, I'm not going to say anything I haven't already wrote/complained/whined about. And if you're only going to be redundant, why write at all?

Well, for me, this is my therapy. This is me being able to say everything normally compacted into a little ball somewhere around my stomach.

I guess this is Suicide Prevention Month, I heard it somewhere (Parade maybe). I don't know how you stop someone who wants to, both of my "gestures", I stopped myself. Because as much as I didn't want to live, I didn't want to die, either. I know when you're in the black pit, there is no up. Right now, I'm in a gray pit, I can see up - I just can't get there.

I'm scared for the Hubby. All he sees is a future of pain and immobility, and a past of failure. One of these days, he'll end his pain. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to do that?!

You know the rest, still unemployed, have no money, haven't seen promised royalities from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. All I want to do is sit and eat, and read. I've been reading alot lately. I'm a bum.

One Month

Reunemployment, that is. I took a crap-load of tests for State of Oklahoma jobs, so far I've done ok. Hopefully, the offers will come rolling in.

But I have to admit, I don't really want to leave the Hubby alone. He swears he's not going to DO THE DEED, but I don't know. He's awfully down. I mean at the bottom. Scary stuff! Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, if I just hang around him constantly, maybe he won't.

I haven't seen anything from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. I could use the money NOW, if you please. I know it will come, in it's own sweet time. I just wish that time was now.

Not quite as down as I have been, just worried. I used to think all I needed was money, because stuff is stuff and it's worthless. But, I need a job, but for that I need self-confidence, and I need to know I can talk myself around the Cendant and Hertz debacles. Depression, and it's aftermath, sucks.

Keep Your Hands and Arms Inside the Car....

I think I'm approaching menopause, but I'm not sure. Like, I've been really hot this summer, but then, it's been a really, really hot summer. And last night I woke up drenched in sweat. And my ongoing problems with depression.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Like, how can it be, if I'm still having a FREAKIN' period?! Can't that stop first?! I'm pretty sure what I'm going through is some kind of normal bodily process. I am, after all, almost 47 (in October).

Hell, I don't Know!

Catharsis

My first week of unemployment done (not done?).

Supposedly, there is a well out in Roger Mills County that's been pumping away for about 2 months, but I haven't seen a dime's worth of royalties (come in handy right about now). My Cousin the Lawyer is handling all that stuff for us. On the upside, I got a chunk of change for something called a seismograph.

Also, my Father-in-Law, deceased for 4 years now, was one of those Depression-era babies. He saved almost everything "for retirement": aluminum cans (a shed and a 40 ft stock trailerful - thankfully gone now), aluminum crap, for lack of a better term, like chair bodies, ect; copper tubing, old (decaying) electrical cords (we filled an old stock watering tank full, for God's sake!); also brass fittings and iron and steel and old cars. What's left now (well, you can't really be sure what's buried in the weeds out in the pasture), is the iron and steel and old cars. But we're not sure it would pay to bring them into the recycler.

So, right now anyway, we're ok. We're still waiting on the royalty money, and getting kind of discouraged. Even though it should come soon, it doesn't seem like it's going to, y'know? And, I have to admit I haven't really been looking for a job, well, seriously. I scan the Sunday ads, shoot a glance at Monster.com and careerbuilder.com, have perused OK state jobs and federal jobs (through firstgov.gov). But it's like I don't want to work. NO, no, no, its EXACTLY that I don't want to work.

With the Hubby's health (physical and mental) in decline, I don't want to be 20, 30, 40 or more miles away for 8, 10, 12 hours a day! I know he's a grown man and can still, mostly, take care of himself. But that's part of it. I'm not making myself understood.

I want to be with him and do things with him while he still can. But, unless the mythical royalty money comes I won't be able to do that. And, I don't think I can get a job. My mind isn't in it. Interviewing requires a skill I just don't have. It doesn't matter how well you do the job, it only matters how well you interview (Southwest proved that).

OH yeah, depression covers this house like a fog, thinner for me, thicker for the Hubby. Hell, the Hubby I would catagorize as quasi-suicidal. He's not over the edge yet, but he can see it, and, right now at least, keep himself from it. Me, all I need is a good Lexapro prescription. But I don't have insurance, and the Hubby's Medicare only pays 50% for mental health - and, yeah he needs the excellent St Anthony's treatment I had (close to a year ago).

Well, I thought I should write. I wish I had more than 2 or 3 readers.

Unemployed Again, Naturally

Friday last came and went and I didn't cry once. I feel horribly drained now, though.

But I have come up with a drinking game: every time the M-in-L says something about someone hiring, take a shot.

The Hubby is seriously crashing, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Yeah, life is great.

One Week

One more week and I join the ranks of the unemployed again. But hey! I did get to shake CEO Gary Kelly's hand on Friday. Unfortuneately, I was on the phone WORKING at the time, unable to say boo to him about my predicament. And then he was gone.

I feel like such a loser. A whiney baby loser. I may be a nobody, but I should be able to get some form of employment. Being shy bites. Being fired (unfairly!) bites. having to explain it to prospective employers without somehow turning them off, bites. Life bites.

Haven't gotten any oil money yet. Would come in kinda handy right about now.

AAARRRGGGHHH!! What's wrong with me?! Why can't I just STAND UP for myself, for the things I believe in, for my country?!! Why does it scare me so?! Why is it SO HARD?! I'd say, you push and you push and you push but you never get anywhere, but I'm not sure I'm even pushing. It's like I'm some lazy, dumbass just waiting for it to fall out of the sky. And I know I've said it before, but IT BITES!! I'm like locked away inside myself with only this glimpse inside. I'm alone and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do next. And, God! this doesn't even go into the Hubby's problems! He's in pain, and feels worthless, and that life's a burden, but so far, he doesn't want to kill him self, he's just tired of living.

I guess I could call my friend Lakenda or my sister, but that doesn't seem right. I'll just be a downer. I don't want to inflict myself on them. They have their own lives, good lives, and they deserve it.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go now.

Just Two More Weeks

Two more weeks at SWA.

The looming unemployement is pretty much knocking me on my ass. Today's Staffing so far has been very unhelpful. Not to mention my raging PMS.

I guess I'm bitter. I kinda have a right to be bitter, in February I was full of righteous indignation over being unfairly (but completely within their rights) fired, now I just feel useless, worthless. I don't feel like I can get a job. Just worn down to a nub. As I've said before, getting a job and doing a job are two different things (unless you're a used car salesperson). I can do the job, almost any job (though mostly clerical and call center), but I just feel incapable of getting it.

Y'know what I'd like?

Really?

I'd like to win the lottery. To not have to worry about having a job or paying bills or deciding which bills I'm just going to ignore. To be able to go places and do things with the Hubby, while he's still mostly mobile enough to enjoy them. To be able to go to school just for the sheer joy of learning. To be able to buy the land the Hubby wants to disappear on (but still within an hour of the city), and build my hippie house on it. To have cars we want, instead of cars we can afford. To volunteer to teach people to read or be a docent at a museum. I want to be able to go to the doctor when I'm sick. My doctor not just any doctor. To be able to get prescriptions (say, the antidepressant, Lexapro).

I never want to have to worry about being unemployed EVER AGAIN!

No new news. Just feeling sad and alone.

Playing With the VidCam

Here I am! Not quite as ugly as usual! Ready for the Big Time!

Oh, and dig that Mona Lisa smile!

Some Random Musings

I don't understand the whole Israel, Hamas/Palestinian, Hezzbolah (however you spell it) thing. There are no good guys and no real bad guys (I mean really bad, bad guys), just a bunch of people overreacting. What do you do? It doesn't seem really right to support one group over another. Israel's going to exist whether you want it to or not. Palestinians have a right to respect and live their lives and vote for whatever stupidheads they want to (hello! we do that all the time!). I'm not real sure where Hezzbolah falls into the loop, but they seem to be among the fundamentalists that treat women like crap. Like, can someone tell me why it's women's fault that men are attracted to us (well not me particularly), that some fundies tell us to cover ourselves up or ugly ourselves up? Don't men have any restraint on their own?

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Something like 4 more weeks at Southwest Airlines. Thanksgiving is now open - and almost sold out. Flights are starting in Dulles early October, but, alas, not Charleston, SC. I learned they can make you come in on your day off to work mandatory overtime. I feel like I've dodged a bullet. But I'm not looking forward to looking for a new job. I don't know if I can rely on the temp service to drop something wonderful in my lap. And I'm still pretty nil on the self-confidence level. Self-hatred levels have lowered, but not elimanated. Social-phobia level still pretty high. Right now I'm still in cruise control. Hoping something will drop out of the sky.

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Oil/Gas money hasn't started rolling in yet. I'll still belive it only when I see it. And yet I hope it's alot, and lasts for a long time. That way, if I don't get a "good job" relatively quickly, it won't matter. And I might do something else that matters to me, like adult literacy, or reading to kids. And, I still get my own version of the Beverly Hillbillies theme running through my head:

First thing you know ol' Pattye's a millionaire,
the kin folk say, "Pattye, move away from there,
Gaillardia's the place you ought to be,"
So we loaded up the truck and moved to OKC-

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I've switched the story running through my head to yet another one, one of my oldest. It also has no real end. Yet in this one the middle kind of falls apart, too. But I still like it.

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I've decided I like Jari Askins for leiutenant Governor. At least SOMEBODY learned from current and future Governor Brad Henry. And I'm glad I'm not in the 5th district. I would vote for unnamed democrat before any of the GOP clones (not to mention that I would do that anyway). But geez, they all say the same things, not a one can think for themselves. And channel 52 took off Magnum PI for Mick Cornetts slickly produced HOUR LONG tribute to himself. We get it! you prefer Mick!! Of course I also remember you aired the Swift Boat crapola too. Just bring back Magnum, and leave off politiking.

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I haven't heard from my kid lately. Which means I'll have to call him. Which I hate to do because I don't want to bother him. I want him to have a life of his own, but I want to hear about it from time to time.

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Barbara Walters people haven't called me yet. I'm sure it's just an oversight.

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I finished a really, freakin' fantastic book day before yesterday: A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. OMG!! It's amazing the Guthrie Library would have it. Hat's off to you.

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Well, gonna go now - kinda drained out my mind for now. Need to go put more crap in it.

I've decided that however devastating being turned down by Southwest Airlines (for NO GOOD REASON!!), and it was devastating, it was for the best. There are just too many things I don't agree with: mandatory overtime, really low starting pay, 3 weeks unpaid training (who can afford that?), few, if any, paid holidays (I know of 2: Thanksgiving and Christmas), almost guaranteed bad hours and odd days off, no mute button, no putting customers on hold, in fact I think the phone system is way out of date.

And yet, like Hertz, they really know how to treat their customers. Would that they could give their employees similar concern. At least Southwest is unionized, I don't think they really understand call center issues, though, or they just kinda roll over and play dead. And of the airlines, at least the ones I've dealt with, Southwest is tops. No extra change fees when you change a reservation, no $5.00 charge when you call the res center instead of booking online, your res agent will be in the US, and will know every airport SWA flys to.

I guess one of my main gripes is the treatment of employees with mental illnesses. Yeah, it's going to affect the way we do our job. Although, for both Cendant (Trilegiant, Clientlogic), and Hertz, it didn't so much affect my job performance (not at all for C,t,c) as affect the other arbitrary rules. The more I think about it, the less I feel being let go was justified.

But water under the bridge. I am kinda worried about how it will affect me getting a job. But on the otherhand, and completely unrelated, my completely forgotten about land in Roger Mills County now (on the portion with 7 heirs), has an oil/gas well on it. Oil/Gas royalties to follow. Rock. Maybe it'll be enough where I don't have to worry about getting a job quick when the SWA temp job is over.

In other family news, the Hubby thinks his arthitis is spreading to his rib cage, and starting to calcify them. Jimmy, my son, is now in his 2nd of 3 nuke classes in Charleston, SC. I have a niece going to have her 2nd child, a girl, in September. It's already all scheduled, since she had a caesarean the first time around. My sister is in her new house now, on a wooded acreage near Newalla. She and her husband both work at Tinker, so have money out the ass. But hey, more power to them. It's a tough place to work, and they've been there forever.

And I've also decided I need to be the new fat chick on the View. I think introverted, social-phobic, depressed women with low self-esteem are sorely underrepresented on tv. I have opinions, it just may be pulling teeth to get them out of me. I would consider myself well-read. I'm a quick learner. I don't mind being on camera, as long as I don't have to look at myself. I'm not ugly. So, Barbara, Ms. Walters, I'm here, come get me. Because the thought of me putting myself out there, kind of makes my stomach upset.

Hertz said "No, you can't come back here, you stupid, little woman. We don't want people like you." I'm paraphrasing.

I tried to explain my problems with depression and social anxiety keeping me from filling out their stupid form. That I didn't want to quit (well, without having meaningful employment). That life post-Hertz has been kinda crappy.

Didn't matter. I didn't give any notice when I quit.

And that's that.

As to what I do know, I don't have a clue. Right now I don't think I could make any kind of decision if my life depended on it. I can't trust myself to make it right.

Well, I may be really down on myself right now, but I'm still not crying. That's something. And I really didn't want to go back to Hertz. Beyond August 11, I need to be doing something. But right now, I feel like one of those dandelion seeds you blow off the puff, being blown along with the wind. Where will I land? And will I germinate?

Not In the Mood To Blog...

But, hey, I'm not crying!

Of course my period started and that could be part of the reason I reacted as I did.

The answer is....


no. No matter how well I am doing the job at this moment (and let me tell ya, I ROCK), I am not good enough for a permanent position at Southwest Airlines. Buuuuttt, I can apply again in six months!!! YAY!!

And now, it's a little hard to go to work. To top it off, they're offering more hours, up to 37.5 for the week until the end of the assignment. Since I kinda do need the money, I do the extended hours, even if my entire existence wants to say, "Screw you!"

I've heard tell you can't go home again, but that's exactly what I've attempted: I went back to Hertz last week and put in an app. I didn't get fired the first time out, I quit. And I didn't really want to quit, either. I just wanted the time off to settle my head, having finally crashed in June of 2000, after my mother's death in February of 1999. But it was like I was locked inside myself at the time, unable to tell my (then) doctor I needed more than 2 weeks off (aside - I had been off of work by then for about 3months, first I didn't get the form from work for the short-term disability, then when I got the replacement, the (then) doc only put down two weeks), and also unable to explain to Hertz Hoohahs that it wasn't money, I just wanted the time off and then was ready to go back to work. I had myself in a tight little box. I officially quit in October of 2000. If I had had the foresight to put 2 weeks in the future on that form, all this would be a moot point.

So. Now I am yet again at the point where I am to "THINK POSITIVELY". Kind of a foreign concept to me. But I am trying. The problem being getting a job and doing said job are entirely different skills. One I have not at all, the other I have out the ass. I'm almost at a point where I don't think I can get any job.

Hertz, give me a chance!! I did a great job, before my mother died. I never wanted to quit, I just wanted the time off! You know I can do the job!! Let me prove it!!

Still Being Punk'd by God

A week ago, after posting, I got the phone interview. I thought I did well, I thought I explained my firing by being honest, and explaining my problems with depression. Her last words to me were that I would either be called to schedule the in person, in depth interview or I would get the thanks, but no thanks letter.

I still haven't gotten the thanks, but no thanks letter, but everybody else who was in my training class got an interview scheduled right then on the phone. I was crushed. ok. My psyche was fragile enough already. So, except for when I was on the phone with customers, I been, pretty much, crying constantly. It's not a perfect job, I understand that. There are things about it which I don't like, low starting pay, few holidays, no mute button, no putting customers on hold unless you're calling a CSR. I liked it, and I was good at it.

Now they're telling me that I should be optimistic, that I don't know what's going to happen. Well, I do know that they're considering temps from other cities, whose center isn't hiring over me. Oh, they just called so-and-so just today (Friday), they can still call you. Keep doing a good job. have a good attitude.

God, I could scream. I can't be optimistic, I'm. A. Depressive!!!! I've had 3 major depressions in the last 3 years, each one worse. Life has no meaning for me. Yet I'm supposed to pull happy thoughts out of my butt?!

I guess I can kind of see their point. People who've never had a major depression just don't understand. It's supposed to be so easy to keep a positive outlook. They don't know any other way.
Well. Neither do I.

I can't chase rainbows. With the Hubby on disability, everything is on my shoulders. This means I have to, yet again, start looking for a job. A permanent job. And I hate looking for a job, I'm not good at it. I really suck at interviews, yet here I go again.


Maniacal laughter ensues.

Yes, I had to go through the whole rigamarole for SWA, posting resume online, and such, even though I'm already in the building, already doing the job. I did it. I decided I'd jump through their hoops. I understand what I'm in for, lousy hours, midweek days off, mandatory overtime, having to work the few official holidays, I'm game for that. I like the company, and I like what I'm doing. Yes. My sanity may be in question.

I get a note from my temp agency saying I'm going to be called in the next two days between 3:30 and 8:00 pm to schedule an interview. Wasn't called Wednesday or Thursday, and by Friday I was getting antsy. Friday I was given a packet to fill out, application, drug and felony junk, so still feeling like I'm jumping through their hoop, but maybe getting somewhere.

Now it's Saturday, still haven't been called for the interview (and, yes, DAMN IT, I'm already doing the job, why do I have to jump through the same hoops as Joe Nobody off the street?!), still need to finish filling out the app junk.

This is making me CRAZY. I want THIS JOB. I'm damn good at it. I actually enjoy it. But it doesn't do my shakey sanity any good to have my head messed with this way.

Any way.

My husband still hasn't checked himself into SHARE and St Anthony's yet. He did, however, find out that Medicare only pays 50% for mental health, so that kind of screws us. He doesn't just need anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills thrown at him, he needs therapy, too. Damn.

Part of me says he should just go ahead and do it, and just not pay the bill. That actually kind of works for me. Medicare is supposed to be there for him, all of him. I've had lots of doctor and hospital bills from the last year or so. The copays I couldn't pay used to bug the crap out of me. Was, in fact, one of my anxiety hot buttons. The last time I was in therapy, aside from learning I couldn't control my husbands feelings, was I'm not going to worry about those bills. Should I pay them? Yeah, but they're not the priority, that's the mortgage, car payment, utilities, last years taxes (yike). What?! Are they going to make my credit WORSE?!

HA, HA, HA, HA, HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh, god! Now that's funny!

So Out of the Loop...

Is Corndog back yet?


I guess that's a no. Anyway, still temping at Southwest, which MAY become permanent, but I don't want to jynx it. Even though it's crazy busy, I love every minute of it! My mind is trying to make me go on my kiddie rollercoaster again, but so far I'm resisting. I still think I may be bipolar II.

Jimmy was supposed to come home on leave tonight, but his flight out of Charleston was delayed past his connecting flight in Houston. Now it's tomorrow afternoon. Arrgh!

The Hubby needs the 4 days I had in the Booby Hatch last September, but will he? NOOOOO! Too proud, don't need it, don't have the money (true), blah, blah, blah. The one thing I DID learn the past September, his feelings are HIS FEELINGS. Understand he's in constant pain. Understand he's only going to get worse. But the feeling sorry for himself, annoys the piss out of me. He's better than that.

Since I've been busy, not to mention happy, I haven't been paying much attention to the news. Have we gotten rid of Bush, et al, and the rest of the Borg party yet?

Seems Like Forever

...since I've been here. First, let's have a moment of silence for Corndog's taking his huge talent home. I understand the motive, but the selfish brat (not that far down) in me just thinks it's sooo unfair.



Ok, really not much to say. Still temping at SouthWest Airlines. It's busier than sin - and I love it!! It may prove to be permanent, but I won't say more just yet, I don't want to jynx it.

The Hubby is in more pain than ever, but all I can do is sit back and watch.

My son has finished his first round of classes at Charleston and will be coming home on leave Friday. YAAY!!

And that's it!! I haven't had a whole lot of time to be on the internet, so I'm way behind. But, damn, I like being happy, being employed, and being happily employed.

later...

I'm Being Punk'd by God

That's kind of the way it feels.

My celphone display went on the fritz, so now I have a loaner from the M-in-L with my simcard in it.

My paycheck wasn't direct deposited on Friday like it was supposed to. One of the few times I was glad my M-in-L, who works at our bank, snooped into our account. I called my temp agency. They would look into it they said and get back to me. Later, while I'm walking the dogs (or, more likely, they're walking me) in the back-back, I hear something ringing. Sounds like some celphone, close but not real close. So, after looking around, I realize it's MY celphone. My temp agency tells me I was at the bottom of a list and didn't get processed. OOPS!! You'll get your pay by Tuesday.

Well, yay. I guess I didn't need it anyway. It's not like my car payment, the electricity bill, the natural gas bill, the phone bill are late!! Oh, wait...

And the Hubby isn't doing so good. Pain is overwhelming, depression almost at a breaking point, and I get to sit back and watch.

One good thing is my job, temporary as it is. I start on the phones Monday morning. I'm anxious and excited at the same time!! I was declared class Valedictorian, and given a really cute ceramic Southwest jet that holds paperclips, now in a place of honor on our entertainment center.

I tell people I'm going to do the best job that I can, as long as it lasts, and worry about August (the scheduled end date) in August. But who am I kidding? I'm going to love my job and expect it to go on forever and be crushed when it doesn't.

I'm being punk'd by God.

Not much to say.

I am temping now at Southwest Airlines, still in training but it's freakin' great!!

But I come home and crash. All of the worthless feelings seep back in. I may have gotten my first check, but it paid my mortgage. Normally the Hubbys Social Security check pays for it but I had to get car insurance (having lapsed the two months I was unemployed). My car payment will be my next check. Hopefully, I can some, if not all of the gas bill, phone bill and electric with the check after that. and it's starts all over again.

Right now, I'm drowning!

If I can get to work Monday afternoon, I'll be ok, I guess.

Odd Thoughts

Bubba's period of mourning (our late lamented Cooter) may be over. Finally. He's acting happier, eating more, and eating up our hugs.

Cletus is finally starting to blend in with Bubba and Ziva, he's actually wanting to play with Bubba sometimes! That freaks Bubba out kinda, but it's a slow process.

Ziva's potty training is excruciatingly slow. You still have to put her outside after she wakes up from a nap, but her pottying outside is kind of hit and miss, going outside is too much of an adventure (other dogs to bark at, cats to chase) and she forgets the reason she's actually outside.

I've been really, really sad lately. "Life's not worth living" sad. I'm trying to hang on, but it's so difficult. I know I have the SWA temp job starting next Monday. I have an orientation meeting tomorrow. I just don't believe it's going to happen. And even if it does, IT'S JUST A TEMP JOB. I'll have to go through this hell all over again in August.

I'll be sending my tax return off sans payment. Yeah, bad news, but I have no money. Yeah, I should've saved when I had it, but I didn't. So I screwed myself.

I really HATE myself. I am such a loser.

Anyway, finished Papillion, read the Hobbit (for, like, the thousandth time) and found three books cleaning out Jimmy's car: 2 Stephen King Dark Tower books (1 and 2 oddly enough), and Dostoyevsky's Brothers Karamozov. So I'm toying with Dostoyevsky right now. If anybody reads this: is Brothers Karamozov a book for a seriously depressed person to read? I really need to be in somebody elses world.

Cryin' Time Again

To borrow a phrase from the late, great Buck Owens. Ya know, Hee Haw was the Energizer Bunny of it's day - it went seemlessly from CBS to syndication, and all the while it was on I'd just cringe and ask myself, "Are they ever going to cancel this?!" But, REALLY OT, Roy Clark had the same smile as Daddy.

I found my kid's myspace.com space - it's under jimtheplatypus. My finding it kind of embarassed him no end, so I emailed him and said I wouldn't go there anymore, just write him either snail mail or regular email.

It turns out I have a myspace space, too. I really, REALLY don't fit in. I say in my mind it's because I'm so old, but the teen and twenties me wouldn't have fit in, either. But at least the teen me would've had someone to talk to. Being able to talk to someone without their seeing you is so freeing. They don't have to know you're a gargoyle.

I finished City of Falling Angels by John What'shisname - the guy who wrote Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Ehh. Readable but not interesting to me, but I don't know what to call it - pedestrian?

Have started on Papillon by Henri Charriere - my favorite book in Eighth Grade. True-life adventure, a little social commentary and light years beyond the movie.

If you haven't noticed, I'm kinda reading constantly, not unlike when I was a depressed kid. I can't say I want to die (well....), but living is such a drag. Nobody really believes the SWA job is going to happen - until it does. I do have another job interview tomorrow, but I'm not really interested. I have to do some research on the company today - but it just doesn't seem right for me.

But what the hell do I know? I've been unemployed for two months. My bad days are outnumbering my good days now (riding the ol' kiddy roller coaster of emotion, deep dips but no highs). And healthcare for me is a luxury I can't afford. I get so envious of the Hubby's medicare I can hardly stand it, but I hate feeling that way, because of how the Hubby even gets medicare in the first place. Like the Hubby says, we're in hell.

Two weeks and we'll see.

Two Reviews

I just finished Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond.

A very important precautionary tale, but only providing people pay attention. This is the second book by Jared Diamond I've read. I also read Guns, Germs and Steel. Funny, GG&S took me about a month to read, and I confess, I didn't completely finish it, I got to the last couple of chapters and declared myself done. So finishing Collapse, to me, is a big deal.

If I ever get enough dough to build my dream house, I'm definitely going with what the Hubby calls "the Hippy House": Strawbale infill, though I would prefer either loadbearing strawbale or cob, passive solar design, radiant underfloor heating, bamboo, linoleum or cork flooring, solar power but on grid (so extra goes back to the power co).

I've also finished Bob Kerrey's memoir, forget the name, it's in the living room and I'm in the retreat. A good book, I really can't say great. I wish the Hubby would read it, there's such a correlation to his life, but I doubt he will. While I can't say it's great, I do recommend it.

Weiging in on Birth Control

Yeah, I'm dipping my toes into the political arena. I'm not really good at it. Unlike those to the right. I know how I feel, but I'm not good at expressing it. I'm better at emotions. Hell, I spent alot (alot!!! HA, HA, how about all?) of time navel-gazing. Being introspective may not be interesting, but it's what I do.

But, that said, here I go:

I learned I had epilepsy when I was around 16 (30 years ago! ik!), when I had (what was called then) a grand mal seizure in front of my parents. This is how it was for me: one minute I was laying on the couch watching "The Prince of Central Park" on Channel 9, the next I didn't know where I was, I was strapped down and couldn't move, I may have been hyperventilating, and there was a guy in a blue shirt at my feet telling me to calm down (yeah, that was going to happen). Then I was in the Midwest City Memorial Hospital's Emergency Room with my parents, who were in a state I'd never seen before (and never wanted to see again). OT, they told Mama and Daddy they thought I was on drugs. After that debacle, Mama took me to the family doctor, I had an EEG at what I thought was a mental institution. I remember when he told me, he said I'd have to take these pills. I asked for how long, and it's like his answer echoed in my head: "For the rest of your life." I then knew I had actually had it most of my childhood.

Now we fast forward to around 84/85. A friend at work had a baby (I knitted a beautiful crimson bunting for her). I developed rabid BABY FEVER. I had been taking Dilantin faithfully ever since, but didn't want to risk birth defects. My ob/gyn at the time suggested going off Dilantin about 6 months before I got pregnant to get it out of my system and give me time to see if, and how bad, I have seizures. Well, I didn't quite wait the 6 months, I stopped taking Dilantin in September of 85. No seizures, stopped taking birth control in January 86, and BAM! I was pregnant (again OT, the last time I enjoyed sex with my ex). October 15, 1986, the most beautiful, big, healthy boy on the face of the planet was born (well except for the minor meconium aspiration thing)!

I can't even begin to imagine not taking The Pill during that time period. I can't begin to imagine just leaving it up to fate. Children should be wanted. Parents should be as healthy as possible (hell, I gave up coffee - which my son doesn't believe). Why can't people understand you MAY want to have sex without creating children. Sex is fun. Sex is healthy (yeah, I need to repeat those two over and over again now). I wanted to make sure I was healthy and he had the best environment to grow, both inside and outside of me.

What makes that hard to understand?

What makes that wrong?

I'm Done, Dammit!

I'm done looking for a job. I'm going to do the temp job for Southwest Airlines, and be happy as a clam for 4 months, starting next month. And while nothing may come of it, at least I'll be doing something I like (talking to people without being shy, making reservations instead of pushing something they may not want).

Looking for a job is hard. Especially when you realise you need to do something specifically suited to you - and you don't have a clue as to what that is.

Depression, low self-esteem, and shyness are all counter productive to the job search. I mean, I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out with pliers than do an interview.
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Um, alive? Still living in Guthrie? Getting close to older than dirt?

"Tell me about a time where..."

Oh, just kill me now! I don't know! I've worked in call centers for 13 years. Taken hundreds of calls a day! I try not to take my job home. Take Hertz in the summer, there are calls on hold when you get there, and there'll be calls still on hold when you leave. And they're willing to hold so they can talk to a real person, personable and knowledgeable. God forbid the company spring for enough people to be on the phone in the first place. At the end of that day, you hope you made your customers happy, but you're numb. You don't want to do anything, but go home and sit. And I'm supposed to remember specifics? Is my ego supposed to be sooo big, that I (truthfully in my own mind) can say that company is afloat only because of me?

No, that's not me.

I can do any call center job. But it's like I said while I was at Hertz, everywhere else is everywhere else, the only place I'd (it turns out willingly) leave Hertz for is Southwest Airlines. I have that chance, if only for 4 months, and I'm taking it.

Coming Down, Kinda

Don't feel as good as yesterday, or the day before.

I'm trying to get myself into that job-getting mindset I had a month ago. But it's just not there. Target said no, Books-a-Million gave me the brushoff, Dell's just dicking with me, AOL said no (not really sad there), Cingular said no, pretty far down on the register for the state jobs I put in for. I still have the temp job for Southwest Airlines coming up in April for 4 months, but, to a degree, I won't believe I have it until I'm in training. So, I know I should still be looking for a job. I know I desperately need a job, I just don't want to. Like I said, it's just not there. I'd rather do some volunteer work, like teaching people to read. How cool would that be?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Of course, now's about the time I wished I believed more in God. I used to. While I've never had religion (it's what's wrong with the world), I had boatloads of faith(and faith is a beautiful thing). But it's kind of seeped away.

I also wish there were things as psychics, so I could ask them questions, talk to Mama, Daddy, Grandma.

Karma Rocks!

A couple of things. I have now joined the 21st Century - at this moment, I am blogging from H&H Gun Range, while the Hubby blows away paper bad guys (and, yeah, I wouldn't mind blowing away paper bad guys, but, hell, look what I'm doing)! Faster than the crappy-ass dial-up I'm stuck with at home. What I have left now, I guess, is posting pictures, and doing some design work on the look of the blog.

No, I haven't officially got a job yet, but I will be getting natural gas royalties soon, and recieved a little chunk for a pipeline they put in. Like I said, Karma rocks! I was able to pay bills, able to get gas and get the hell out of the house. My niece's son is having a birthday party on Saturday, at my sister's new house. Life is good. And right now, it doesn't matter that I don't have a job. I can breathe, if only for a while.

I've been reading, a LOT, lately. If I can't enjoy my world, I can enjoy someone elses. Reread all my Harry Potter books (and have come to the conclusion that the barman at the Hogs Head is Dumbledore's brother - and Dumbledore knew Snape was going to have to kill him and encouraged it, but I don't know why). I read Maus by Art Spiegelman (WOW, just WOW), 1776 by David McCollough (it just puts you there), A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut, am reading Collapse by Jared Diamond. And in big book news, have finally found the book I foolishly gave away about 15-16 years ago, my favorite book in 8th Grade: Papillon by Henri Chariere. The book that gives us the famed Papillon Effect, in which you always see the movie before reading the book, so you can actually enjoy both. Like I said it was my favorite book, then I learned they were making a movie of it (starring Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman) - movie sucked. But I might have enjoyed it if I hadn't read the book first. Anyway, I'm keeping it forever this time.

I feel GOOD. I even feel like knitting!

Better go, almost out of juice.

One Month

Actually, yesterday was one month.

I may have a temp position with really good pay, but it's not scheduled to start until April 10. I'm now signed up for Food Stamps (which aren't stamps at all, but a debit card). I guess I'm doing ok, but I feel so in limbo.

I'm still twisting in the wind with Dell and Target. Haven't heard yes or no. Of course, not hearing no is kind of a good thing. I'd rather just wait for the temp (it's at one of those places I've wanted to work at a loooong time). Of course, just living on The Hubby's disability is hard. I guess I'm just slightly discouraged.

To Balance out my karma, I gave blood yesterday (O neg). You know when they say to take it easy for a few hours? They're right. I walked the dogs when I got home, but Ziva, the Dachshund puppy wouldn't come in. Then she discovered the grey stray cat that hangs around, and decided to give chase. Telling the dog it wasn't "her cat (Whiskers)" didn't work. Down into the creek with me running behind her, she finally lost the cat. But still wouldn't come to me. Until I started calling, "Here kitty, kitty!" So, by the time I get back to the house, I'm so dizzy, I'm about to pass out. But I did wait until I was in the utility room before I fell down. Now I have a bump on my head, and my karma better be straightened out.

I'm Worried About the Hubby

No, it's more like, I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE HUBBY!!!

After the initial shock, I'm actually ok. Heck, it'll just be another bill I can't pay.

Wish me luck with Dell, the Library Tech job with the state (which I'd rather have), Books-a-Million, and/or Target.

Holy Hell!

I was going to title this "Can It Get Worse?" but it can always be worse.

Bought Turbo Tax and did my taxes today.

(pregnant pause)

I knew I was going to owe because of the oil leases.

(another pause)

But damn. Damn, Damn, DAMN!! I owe over $4000 Federal and about $1500 state. I might have $50 in my savings account. I don't NEED a Goddamn extension on filing! I need an extension on paying! What, you can't do that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell me how I should of put the money back last year when I had it. I had never had a windfall like that IN MY LIFE. We weren't exactly thinking ahead.

So now I'm unemployed (I have an interview with Dell Monday), and I have a huge tax bill I can't pay.

So, where's this God now? Where's this benevolent deity that's supposed to help me, watch over me? WHERE IS HE/SHE?!

The Cart's Back on an Even Track

I actually feel pretty good, considering. I got my last check last Friday, so only God knows how I'm going to pay for my car, electric, natural gas, phone (oh, hell, I'll just let that one go). I guess, theoretically, I can get on Food Stamps now that we're living on the Hubby's SSI. I would have my son's old car to drive if mine got repo'd (but since I know they won't get the money off the resale of the car, I'd still get to pay for a car I would no longer own - been there, done that). Of course it needs at least one tire, a power steering pump, and a thermostat (and a radio, but you can't always get what you want).

Have two prospects for jobs, cross your fingers. I turned in the 5 apps for state jobs and now have 8 tests to do. I took the test for Library Tech (which sounds way cool), but I think I crapped out - I don't know beans about the Dewey Decimal System (but I get the gist of it). It was at the Historical Society,too! Darn. The M-in-L is suggesting Wal-Mart or McDonalds. McD's, maybe, but Wal-Mart, NEVER! i was thinking of putting in an app at Target, and the bookstores I frequent.

I don't know. Can't money just fall from the sky? I'd give some of it to charity! It wouldn't make me some snotty, bigoted, society gal (I'm Ms Not Together, that's just not possible)! And I'm not asking for a Mercedes Benz (a VW New Beetle convertible would be nice, though), and I already have a color tv. I just need to be able to pay my bills, God. And I'm certainly not asking YOU to make the Hubby happy (that's just not possible). I need a job and I need money. Period.

Unemployment Benefits Denied

Seriously crashing.


The Hubby says I need to appeal the decision. I don't see the point. I mean, damn, they decided to make an archaic rule just for me (everybody else, now that I'm gone), and I broke it. Their rule. I broke it. Simple. It doesn't matter that it has nothing to do with productivity.

And how am I supposed to get a job when I'm quasi-suicidal (I'm not going to do it, just think about it - A LOT)? I have an interview at a wireless call center, that I've been turned down before, this time through a temp agency. I don't interview well. They want specifics. Let me tell you, if I remembered specifics at every call center I've worked at, I wouldn't just be depressed, I'd be psychotic. The Hubby says to make stuff up, which I'm also not good at.

So, I've gotten my last check. Right now I seem incapable of getting a job. But I have to do something, we can't live on the Hubby's disability (it pays the mortgage, but not much else).

I'm worthless.
I HATE myself!
I wish I were dead. But that wouldn't actually solve anything. It would make things worse, if possible. It just means I have to keep on existing (not unlike a slug).

Maybe you guys ought to go read the happier, actually talented people to the right. Because I'm a big downer.

One Week

Well, I guess it's lucky I don't want to work at one of OKC's many, many call centers - they don't seem to want me either.

You know, there were times I loved working at Hertz, and there were times I liked (but never loved) working for Cendant. At Hertz, it was when I went to International, around May of '93. At that time you only had to do General (domestic) backup once or twice a week. At that time, International was da bomb, what I did was interesting, and except for travel agents, you didn't have to speak to stupid people. But it changed, having to do backup constantly, being treated like the ugly stepchild, and of course, my reaction to my mother's death. At Cendant (Trilegiant/Affinion, Clientlogic), I started out as a travel agent. But I really sucked at it, I can't sell for beans (you want to fly - you buy, you don't want to buy - the fare probably isn't going to be available when you call back. Tough Toenails to you), so I switched to customer service. I really seemed to have a knack for it and the incentives were fantastic. The incentives went bye-bye, we switched from Sabre to Apollo (which the company had purchased) and during the switch it was a nightmare. In fact, it precipitated a major depression. But I was never the same. I started to be treated like the dopey sidekick, so I started acting like it. I needed to disconnect more and more.

Well, I'm putting in for 5 state jobs. After that I guess I go for clerical jobbies. But it's hard to get out of my mind noone wants me.

That's Why I Don't Like to Go Hunting

The Hubby's (an avid gun hobbyist) reaction to Der Veep.

I'm Not Crying Anymore!

I still feel worthless, although now I realize that I shouldn't. The job was crappy, and getting worse. I knew I needed a change but didn't do anything about it. Now the change has been forced on me.

Looking for a job is HARD. I don't have a clue as to what I want to do. And I hate interviews! I never know if I said the right thing!

The Hubby is signing up for parts B and D of medicare: D to take affect in March and B to take affect in July. Those should knock about $100 off his Social Security each month. But, hey, then I don't have to worry about him - much.

I'd like to think this as a turning point, that it was meant to happen. Ya know, that was said to me after Hertz, and look at me now.

Hi. My name is Pattye Van McKinney. I blog as, hell I am, Ms. Not Together. And I had a crappy day today.

I got fired today.

I can't say I didn't see it coming, they'd been gunning for me for the better part of a year. erTo my mind, still, they wanted me gone no matter what. So, to me, what I got fired for is damn bogus.

I didn't blog much about my job, too many prying eyes. I have said I had a crappy call center job. Well, customer service sucks, especially when it's customer service for a travel agency, and that travel agency farmed out all it's agents to Tijuana, Mexico and Manilla, Philippines. I'd worked there for four years, and crashed three times, twice last year alone. It used to be you got better service over the phone, than doing it yourself on the web. When I was a reservation agent at Hertz (great place to rent a really expensive car, crappy place to work), I would tell customers to always doublecheck what your travel agent books, and that 60% were in competent. Well, to my mind, it's more like 80% today. Today, you don't know who you're going to get, or where, or if they care enough to do it right. Then, the good ol' CS Agents get to mop up.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I would kind of disconnect, or else explode or, more likely, implode, either way leaving a (probably figurative) bloody mess at my desk. Customer service requires putting notes about what you're doing, and why on the record, and to do that means you need to stop taking calls while you're doing so. That's called after-call. So, to disconnect, I would go into, or stay in after call after I was finished with the record. And go onto the internet. Was it right? No. All I can say is I did what I did to keep my sanity.

That didn't work too well.

Right now I HATE myself and I want to die.

And with that attitude I have to look for a job. I'm the breadwinner, you know. The Hubby's on Social Security Disability. Everything's on my shoulders.

Yeah, I've done SOOO well.

Off to look for non-existant or low paying jobs.

I love the Hubby. I do. He's my big, giant teddy bear with blue eyes and a wacky immune system. But I can't stand his politics.

Before the Iraq mess, we were actually pretty close, me a moderate democrat, him a moderate republican (actually, more of a Jesse Ventura Independent). But since then, it's like the things we agree on don't matter. He treats George Bush like he's a babe in the woods. Nothing is his fault, it's all those bad, bad people surrounding him. And now, the NSA spying - it's okay - they listened to Al Queda (yeah, I don't know how to spell it) people, and they had to do it, and on, and on. I was dumbfounded.

I tried to tell him that even "bad" people have rights in this country, but it was like he just shut down.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to convince him of how corrupt all republicans are. Any help from whatever readers I have would be appreciated.

I've Made A Decision

I don't want to work anymore.

It's not getting me anywhere. I mean, goddamn, I'm barely out of poverty level (just over $13 per hour). And if you're supposed to do something you love, I'm screwed there, too. Everything I'd like to do is free: teach people to read, read to children, work at a museum. Working a a bookstore would be cool, too, but it's just over minimum wage.

Yeah, I know I'm being whiney and selfish. I ought to just be thankful for what I have. And I do have much to be thankful for.

I can't get over the feeling of being an idling car, with the idle stuck too high, I need to be going somewhere.

Found a Great Book!

The First American,
The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin

By H.W. Brands.


So far, I'm only up to the 1750's, and the French and Indian War, but Ben Franklin Rocks!!

Bastard Child

Mental Illness, I mean. It always seems to be the last to be considered. The last to be treated as an illness. Mix-ups in the first weeks of the Medicare drug benefit have vexed many beneficiaries and pharmacists. Dr. Steven S. Sharfstein, president of the American Psychiatric Association, said the transition from Medicaid to Medicare had had a particularly severe impact on low-income patients with serious, persistent mental illnesses. States Robert Pear in this article in the NY Times (registration may be required). Can anyone say they didn't see this coming?

I've spent most of my life battling depression (it's sitting on my doorstep right now), The last episodes my main problem being what my insurance did or did not cover (which plays into one of my main irrational fears - not having enough money - or spending money on myself): large copays or deductibles, is the antidepressant covered under the formulary, otherwise is there a reduced price I can pay because if I have to pay full price, I probably won't buy it (see irrational fear above).

I don't know why I get depressed (I'm still leaning toward bipolarII), and why so often, and why for little or no reason. It's an illness. I kind of wish my mother were still alive, not just for me to talk to (pre-stroke), but to realize there was nothing she and Daddy could have done when I was a kid to make me happy, since the drugs didn't exist then.

Goddamn I hate the insurance industry.Health Care should be a right, not a privledge. It should be available to everybody, rich, poor and inbetween.

A Pretty Good Weekend

Though, technically, the middle of my work week.

I had told the Hubby of my dream to own 2 Bassets and 2 Dachshunds: 2 big wienie dogs and 2 little wienie dogs. Besides, we have to have some sort of watchdog, even if she's just an alarm. Bassets are big love puppies. They just don't know strangers. Dachshunds are fierce watchdogs, with more courage than brains. Like this story, from a couple years ago, where a doxie attacks a bear. Typical.

Well, the Hubby still isn't ready for another Basset - and even further since the setbacks of last week, but warmed to the idea of a dachshund puppy. So, Saturday, I was at work, looking online at the Oklahoman's dog classified ads - no Bassets, lots of Dachshunds.
"So, I should buy a paper?" the Hubby asks (I call him on breaks, otherwise I go insane), when I tell him about the ads I saw.
"I guess so."
At lunch he told me he was thrown out of Wal-Mart because he brought in a dog. A doxie female we've named "Ziva" after the Israeli agent on NCIS. We're calling her dappled, because we really don't know, she's brown and black and right now the size of a rat. Bubba's still intimidating to her (he's delighted, and so gentle with her), but she loves the cat! Luckily, even though he's a neutered male, he's very maternal, and lets Ziva play with him (for a while), and even licked her face (which Ziva really didn't like).

Sunday was a settling in day. Not expecting anything to happen. Playing with the puppy. Making sure Bubba wasn't jealous. Watching the previous weeks recorded tv shows. We get a phone call. I don't recognize the number or person, which usually means I don't answer the phone, but this time I did. It was a representative from Ozark Mountain Basset Rescue! And while concerned with Bubba's full manhood, it wasn't an automatic decline, and not having a fenced yard was also not an automatic decline! She wanted to make sure Bubba's up to date with his vacinations (he is!), and we'll have to have a home visit, and then we pick which one we want!!

Oh, I sooo don't want to jinx this!!

God-Forbid I Wanted A Child

All I wanted was to get a companion for Bubba and the Hubby. Since Cooter's passing, Bubba wants to be walked about every two hours, less to potty than to find a friend to play with.

Since there haven't been any Basset puppies in the paper, I thought, hey, how about a shelter or rescue Basset, not unlike our own Bubba, once a stray in the neighborhood. Looked up on petfinders.com, found Beatrice in Yukon, OK. I thought, Wow, a sign from God! My Mother's name was (is?) Bea. We get there, and while I was walking Bubba, excited from all the dogs there, the Hubby went inside. Well, he was asked A LEADING QUESTION: do you have a fenced yard? Unfortuneatly, the Hubby answered honestly - no, we live on about an acre and a half outside of town. Our dogs are inside dogs, going out to potty on a leash, (or, in the case of Heidi and Rogue just letting them out - they weren't Basset Hounds and stayed in the yard). Always in our sight. Didn't matter, that was their rule. Too bad, so sad.

Well, The Hubby and Bubba were crushed, and I felt like a crumb for having suggested it. Not to mention, if there is a God (which I doubt), he (she/it) is toying with us. I don't appreciate it.

I decided to try a rescue operation. Filled out the app online. Just heard back from one (I filled out 2), because Bubba (who, remember, just wandered into our lives) wasn't neutered and our cat doesn't have his vacinations we can't adopt. It doesn't matter that we're good canine and feline parents. That we treat them better than some people do their actual kids.

Oh, well, I guess we wait for a puppy. I know Bubba's lonely, but his whining is really getting on my nerves.
I'd like to say I tried, but I only feel so worthless. I can't even get a throwaway dog.

SIGH....You Talk About Your UPHILL Battles!

I have to come clean.

I am a cronic petition signer. There isn't hardly a petition or "let your Congressman know!" that goes by that doesn't get me into a later. Impeaching Bush (HELL YEAH!! I'll give him his constitutional rights, which is alot more than he's giving us); Saying no to Alito; drilling in ANWR; the past (ghastly) budget, and on and on.

Now Coburn may be a nutball, typical borg drone - not a thought in his head that doesn't come from the RNC - but he does answer his email.

In fact, here's his answer to impeachment:

Dear Ms. Not Together (yes, it was to my real name):

Thank you for your e-mail regarding impeachment proceedings for PresidentBush. I am opposed to any effort to impeach the President based upon hisdecision to go to War with Iraq.

There are no grounds that exist (aside: Can you BELIEVE this?!) for one to legitimately seek the impeachment of George W. Bush. Impeachment proceedings have only occurred twice in the history of ourRepublic. The rarity of impeachment underscores what I believe to be the central importance of elected representatives exercising great caution when contemplating impeachment. Impeachment is not meant as a partisan political weapon nor should it be used as a vehicle to discredit an individual at the nation's ultimate expense(Ha, hahahahaha!!). It should be used as theFounding Fathers wished - as a way to uphold the moral authority of the office of the president and serve as a check on the power of the executive should that person through criminal misconduct no longer be able to carryout the laws of the United States. The calls for impeachment against the President today are politicallymotivated efforts by members of the minority party to remove him fromoffice. The primary reason cited for this is the President's mishandlingof pre-Iraq War intelligence. The bi-partisan Senate Select Committee onIntelligence already has conducted an investigation into pre-Iraq warintelligence. This committee found no evidence intelligence was distortedto make the case for war. The Robb-Silberman Commission also reached thesame conclusion and found, in addition, the intelligence presented tosenators was less dramatic than that seen by the President. Thisintelligence led 77 senators to support the war resolution. I amconvinced the President made his decision to go to Iraq based upon theinformation he was presented at the time. Even President Clinton -operating upon the same intelligence - reached the conclusion in 1998 thatSaddam Hussein should be removed. Given these facts, I am more thanconvinced the President is not in any danger of being impeached byCongress. Once again, thank you very much for contacting me. Sincerely, A Tom Coburn United States Senator

It just makes me want to beat my head against the wall.

Am I Wrong?

Maybe I'm wrong.

Had an argument with the Hubby. Or should I say another one. This one about changing banks. I've wanted to for a long time. Tried once, with BOK, with them screwing us, so we went back. I have my reasons to want to change. I want not just online banking, but online bill pay free. Aaaaand the M-in-L works for our bank.

Now you can guess what the argument was about. He likes having her as a cushion to fall back on. I don't like that she has ultimate say-so over what we do. I want to sink or swim on our own.

Am I wrong?

GOD!!! I MISS MY MOTHER!!!

Guess I Oughta Comment

On the story about the Tulsa pastor who got his "hands" caught in the cookie jar here in OKC.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!
(wipes tears from eyes)

Oh, my.

You know, that's probably the reason the TULSA pastor was in OKC. "Ministering to police" he says.

I'm sure.

Random Thoughts

What kind of freakin' masochist am I that I added Sitemeter?! I can count my readers on one hand!

Oh, and another thing that came to me: Does it make me a lesbian to like my own boobs? Yeah, I'll admit to being big, not gross, but big. At the most cute, but not pretty. But I have some nice boobs, IMHO. And not just nice for a 46-year-old.

I was going to title this "Some Introspection". But then I realized, Some Introspection?! Hellfire! That's all I do!

Goodbye and good riddance to 2005.

I got my oil lease money in January (yeah, I looking forward to doing my taxes this year). It was nice to be able to live, for a while at least, without having to think "Do I have the money, will I be able to pay my bills?" I crashed twice in 2005, the first time, in March?, April? In the middle of getting the new manufactered house, while living with the M-in-L (I will be homeless before I do that again!). It was the first time I was in group therapy and a (quasi) hospital setting. I had spent most, if not all of 2004, gaining weight, dutifully taking my Zoloft, and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Like most times, I'm in counselling, taking an anti-depressant - feel great. Then the world gets in the way. By-the-by, we're spinning you off to Trilegiant. They don't have Aetna, so you'll have to switch to Cigna. That, in and of itself, wan't bad - it was cheaper and covered more - except for my psychiatrist at the time (great guy - Dr. Chakraburti - Dr. Chak for short). Then there are problems with copays and coverage, and that just feeds into my (not quite so) irrational fear of spending money on myself.

My son enlisted in the Navy, being promised the nuclear program (evidently he went off the scale of whatever-the-hell test that is they go by), in February. For a good long while he tried to make me feel guilty for that - that I forced him to enlist. And there were low times that I bought into that, and felt incredibly guilty. But I realized I had spent all of his high school years picking out colleges for him. I wanted him to go to college, away from us, away from his (creepy, controlling) Dad. He was not going to be a loser. Period. I'm cool with his lacking direction, focus. I'm cool with his not knowing what he wanted to do. But you have to DO SOMETHING. You can always do something else later on. And it really has improved him (although, it hasn't made him taller, or gain weight - he says 10lbs). And it has limited contact with (creepy, controlling) dad. Now if he'll only realize he deserves a life of his own. He graduated in May, delivering the Pledge of Alliegiance at graduation, and went into the Navy in September.

Aaaaand September is when I crashed again - making a "suicidal gesture", clutching, but not taking, my husband's Lunesta I had stowed away, I drove myself to my doctor. At the crux of alot of things: Jimmy's leaving, my Aunt (pronounced ain't) Ninny's dying, money problems, company being sold - again, different health insurance - again. This time I spent 4 days inpatient at Saint Anthony's (wow! that was a trip), and then went to SHARE at Saint Anthony's. SHARE is great! If you're in the OKC area, it's the best. Expensive as hell, but at some time you have to decide you're worth it. It was there that it was suggested I may be Bipolar II, since my childhood wasn't that bad, but I was depressed anyway. I think so, but the diagnosis isn't official yet. I'm trying to keep watch over myself.

At the beginning of November, I had a great vacation in, and fell in love with, Charleston, SC - meeting Jimmy there after his graduation from basics. Yes, we're going back this year. The M-in-L threatens to go with us. I was at a happiness level that, in my imagination, was close to mania.

Now we're at the end of the year, which closes on the illness and loss of our beloved Cooter - my canine son. We will get a new puppy at some point, but as of yet are still in mourning.

So, now we're in 2006. The middle of January starts the 20th year of Jimmy, culminating in his birthday of October 15. Hopefully drilling will start on the Roger Mills County property, and I'll be rolling in dough (I know, I'm counting chickens). I'm looking to improve myself in some way - to be determined. I'd like to get out more, as money permits, whether the Hubby wants to or not. The big lesson from the latest group being, If I don't take care of myself, who will? And the lesser, but still important, I'm the only one I can fix.

I'm optimistic for the year.
This will be the year we start taking our country back from the Borg.
The constitution will stage an amazing comeback, with the realization NOBODY is above the law
A good portion of the Borg will not just fear for their jobs, but have prison time staring them in the face.
We'll either start to, or get out of, Iraq.
And I'm still waiting for my "Star Trek" future, where respect and tolerance rule the day.