Needed to Vent

May?! Really?! Wow!

I'm writing here now because I need somewhere to spew, that's not out in the open, like Facebook. Not a lot has happened. Well, like one great big thing, and a couple of little things.

Well it came onto the end of November, the current oil lease was about up. I was hoping for a modest increase over January 2005's money. Tandye and I spoke to a really nice man named Alan, from Cordillera Engery, signed lots of papers, and for a really , REALLY short time was looking for a promised $144,000. Then, I think it was the next week, we learn the current lease holder (with 2 or 3 weeks left in the lease) was going to drill. To the uninitiated, it's "Wow!! Drilling a well!! Your going to be rolling in money from now on!!" Well, it doesn't end up that way. Originally, in December 2004, there were two leases. They drilled pretty quickly on the one lease. I kept waiting and waiting for that royalty money to roll in. I didn't get any until at least six months after the well was drilled. It started out to be a couple hundred a month (a life saver after I got fired from Cendant/Triliegiant/Whatever), then every other month, now I'm lucky if it's $90 a quarter. So when December 14 rolled around, the original end of the lease, Alan, the really handsome, nice man from Cordillera Energy, called to apologize. I kind of dumped on him. I think I apologized, at least I hope I did. And then I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried all day. I gave it the day, and felt a little better. I'm not getting a new (or new to me) car any time soon now. I can hope for a little of the surface damage money, and if so, I wish it would come soon, I'm down to a dollar in the checking account. (I'm kind of stupid with money).

So that was the big thing. I was getting $144,000, but now I'm not. In six to nine months I can hope for $90 a quarter.

My husband's in more and more pain. Everyday he says he wants to die. I tell him, unfortunately, his arthritis may cripple him, his Type II Diabetes might try to destroy his body, but they won't necessarily kill him. I get tired of living in the Pit of Despair. Maybe this is what it was like living with me when I was depressed, but I (at least in my mind) tried not to inflict my downerness on other people. And he's more and more into guns, into (yuck!) Glen Beck, and Rush Limbaugh (another yuck!), and is watching The 700 Club! Really?! We are sooo far apart anymore. I don't feel I matter. Not at all. A part of me wishes he would die, that that would be a relief on my part. But I would lose the house. I guess I just have to bear it.

The other thing bothering me, I haven't heard from my son in just over two weeks. I guess that's not long. He IS in Japan. But since Randy left a mean remark on Jimmy's Facebook page, I'm afraid he's blaming me. He's said repeatedly he doesn't blame me. But I do. He's such a good guy. I let Randy and his mother Sandy bully him. It IS my fault. Yet he loves me anyway.

I just haven't heard from him in a while, and that kinda drives me nuts.

Out With the Hot Flashes, In With....

Yeah.

Yeah.

On one hand, I haven't had many hot flashes lately, which is good. On the other, I've been depressed. Not the major - wake up crying - can't get a handle on it - depression, but an unrelenting sadness. My sister and her kids, they're happy, they're active, they're so...well, TOGETHER. Look at me, I'm practically house-bound. Work and home and work and home. Yes, I read and knit and crochet, but that's it. Maybe it should be enough, maybe I'm being selfish. But it's not. I hate being shy. I hate the thought of doing things alone, but if I don't, I won't. God, I think I've written this before. I'm a freakin broken record. I might as well write down how much I want to be on the View, how I want to do the Amazing Race, write my own novel. And yet...and yet, none of that is going to happen. And while I'm going on about things that are not going to happen, I guess I could go on about stuff I'm not going to have - an iPhone, a Macbook (or iPad), an iPod, the boxed set of the Beatles, my little strawbale house.

sigh.

Eh, Vacation

You know, the only reason I took the remainder of my vacation, was because I was getting kind of stressed at work. I'm a cashier at Wally world, and I've probably said this before, but I like it. I like my store. Weird. But it was getting to me, and I had to use or lose it by April 29, my anniversary date. But, jeez, I hate sitting at home. I want to GO and DO, but that takes money. I did get to see Greg Mortenson's lecture at Lloyd Noble Arena (Center?) yesterday. HE SIGNED MY BOOK!!!! I was too shy to talk :( Jeez, I hate being shy. I don't really hate my life, it's just soooo darn boring! And it's all on me. I could have extra money, if I got a second job. But the first one tires me out. I guess I'm just tired. Tired of hot flashes and night sweats. Tired of the Hubby railing against my president. Tired of the Hubby's gun obession. Tired of his nonstop adoration of Glenn Beck. Tired of being invisible. Tired of being yelled at for my beliefs. I'd kind of like to be alone, but I don't want to lose my house.

all done.
yeah, I think I'm mildly depressed.

Not a Damn Thing

That would be the answer to what I've been doing for the last 3 months. I've been mildly depressed. In January I got mononeucleosis, a fun, new experience for me. In February I got my updated mammogram and ultrasound (just the left boob). It's still fine. Around that time I got to see 3/4 of Avatar in Imax 3D, until one of the projectors boogered up and stopped the movie. I got a free pass, which I haven't used (and hopefully doesn't expire), and a refund. In March I started a new crochet project, still not done because I underestimated how much yarn I would need. It's about 7 or 8 rows from being done. I've got another in mind, but haven't purchased the yarn for it yet. You know what the pattern said I would need is crap. I even made sure I was getting my gauge (unimportant really for an afghan). I'm still a beginner to crochet, but hell, I've been knitting for 30 years and I still suck at gauge swatches. I get bored and say, "That's enough for a measurment." Anyway, I will finish my afghan project (a possible future christmas or birthday present), and start the next one. I also have a couple of different sock yarns to mess with, but the blues are kinda putting the kibosh on that.

My son is in Yokosuka, Japan. That's where his ship, the USS George Washington, is. He's busy and has friends to hang around with, and doesn't really see eye to eye with Randy. It's hard to think of him as a grown man. And yes, that would be Mama, laughing at me from Heaven.

I'm still at Wal-Mart. Almost at my 3 year mark. I know I should be looking for the "good job" that pays more and stuff, but I like my job and my store and the people I work with and for. And for retail, I get paid pretty good.

As for the Hubby, I still feel all but invisible. I'd like to think that I matter, but I don't. Case in point, I told him I wanted an iPod so I can listen to music while I walk the dogs, but he bought some cheapie that he found in Walgreens, a $20 or $30 knockoff. He didn't even go there specifically to buy that, but was there to pick up a prescription. So. I'm an afterthought. And god forbid I talk politics. We use to not be that far apart, now it's a gulf. sad.

Well I got that off my chest.