As September comes to a close, let me do what I do best, obsess about myself.

Well, I may be getting unemployment, I should know by next week. And, since my period just ended, and PMS not yet begun, I actually feel....ok, not great, but ok. I DO have a job interview next week, and, yes, the thought of which is freaking me out. You know, I don't know if I want this position, I think I'd like the Library Tech position I'm interviewing for on Oct. 19 better. I still think working in a library, even if it's for the blind and disabled would be sooo cool! The hubby says I shouldn't mention depression at all, I should say I was concerned about my husband's illness, upset that he'll never get better. I said "I'm not good at lying." He told me it wasn't a lie. Then, why does it feel like it? And, how am I supposed to get over the feeling that it doesn't matter how well I can do the job, if I'm an incompetent interviewee. The interview is the all important thing.

The electricity got shut off yesterday for about 30 minutes. I didn't have close to the whole bill, but enough to pay the over-overdue portion. I guess the gas and phone will be next. And I also guess I'm no longer getting food stamps. One thing I've discovered, is that food stamps (actually an electronic card) are great! It was wonderful not having to worry about how you're going to buy food! There should be no shame involved at all! If you need it, it's there! Use it! I think the Hubby should be the one to go to the DHS to complain about not getting it anymore. He is the one on disability. And since my shyness right now is bordering on social phobia, it's almost impossible for me. Well, that's my excuse.

Politics has become impossible to talk about - me and the Hubby are 180 degrees away from each other. But basically only on Iraq and Bush. And geez, I hate confrontation. I got that from my first marriage, I guess.

I would still like to get the 5 or so stories out of my head, but I don't know how, or if they're any good. I'd like to talk to someone, a writer or so, about it, but that's another thing I get squeemish about (see shyness comment above).

Gotta go now. More later.

Still doing the "Poor little me" thing - not attractive.

Have a job interview next week - freaking out.

Have a new Grand-niece (?), named Piper, 7lbs 6oz.

Wow, this isn't even worth blogging! Add more later - I'm at the library, being timed out.

I'm at a point where I need to write, but the problem is, I'm not going to say anything I haven't already wrote/complained/whined about. And if you're only going to be redundant, why write at all?

Well, for me, this is my therapy. This is me being able to say everything normally compacted into a little ball somewhere around my stomach.

I guess this is Suicide Prevention Month, I heard it somewhere (Parade maybe). I don't know how you stop someone who wants to, both of my "gestures", I stopped myself. Because as much as I didn't want to live, I didn't want to die, either. I know when you're in the black pit, there is no up. Right now, I'm in a gray pit, I can see up - I just can't get there.

I'm scared for the Hubby. All he sees is a future of pain and immobility, and a past of failure. One of these days, he'll end his pain. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to do that?!

You know the rest, still unemployed, have no money, haven't seen promised royalities from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. All I want to do is sit and eat, and read. I've been reading alot lately. I'm a bum.

One Month

Reunemployment, that is. I took a crap-load of tests for State of Oklahoma jobs, so far I've done ok. Hopefully, the offers will come rolling in.

But I have to admit, I don't really want to leave the Hubby alone. He swears he's not going to DO THE DEED, but I don't know. He's awfully down. I mean at the bottom. Scary stuff! Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, if I just hang around him constantly, maybe he won't.

I haven't seen anything from the Little Well That Could out in Roger Mills County. I could use the money NOW, if you please. I know it will come, in it's own sweet time. I just wish that time was now.

Not quite as down as I have been, just worried. I used to think all I needed was money, because stuff is stuff and it's worthless. But, I need a job, but for that I need self-confidence, and I need to know I can talk myself around the Cendant and Hertz debacles. Depression, and it's aftermath, sucks.