Friday, June 23, 2006

Hertz said "No, you can't come back here, you stupid, little woman. We don't want people like you." I'm paraphrasing.

I tried to explain my problems with depression and social anxiety keeping me from filling out their stupid form. That I didn't want to quit (well, without having meaningful employment). That life post-Hertz has been kinda crappy.

Didn't matter. I didn't give any notice when I quit.

And that's that.

As to what I do know, I don't have a clue. Right now I don't think I could make any kind of decision if my life depended on it. I can't trust myself to make it right.

Well, I may be really down on myself right now, but I'm still not crying. That's something. And I really didn't want to go back to Hertz. Beyond August 11, I need to be doing something. But right now, I feel like one of those dandelion seeds you blow off the puff, being blown along with the wind. Where will I land? And will I germinate?

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Not In the Mood To Blog...

But, hey, I'm not crying!

Of course my period started and that could be part of the reason I reacted as I did.

The answer is....


no. No matter how well I am doing the job at this moment (and let me tell ya, I ROCK), I am not good enough for a permanent position at Southwest Airlines. Buuuuttt, I can apply again in six months!!! YAY!!

And now, it's a little hard to go to work. To top it off, they're offering more hours, up to 37.5 for the week until the end of the assignment. Since I kinda do need the money, I do the extended hours, even if my entire existence wants to say, "Screw you!"

I've heard tell you can't go home again, but that's exactly what I've attempted: I went back to Hertz last week and put in an app. I didn't get fired the first time out, I quit. And I didn't really want to quit, either. I just wanted the time off to settle my head, having finally crashed in June of 2000, after my mother's death in February of 1999. But it was like I was locked inside myself at the time, unable to tell my (then) doctor I needed more than 2 weeks off (aside - I had been off of work by then for about 3months, first I didn't get the form from work for the short-term disability, then when I got the replacement, the (then) doc only put down two weeks), and also unable to explain to Hertz Hoohahs that it wasn't money, I just wanted the time off and then was ready to go back to work. I had myself in a tight little box. I officially quit in October of 2000. If I had had the foresight to put 2 weeks in the future on that form, all this would be a moot point.

So. Now I am yet again at the point where I am to "THINK POSITIVELY". Kind of a foreign concept to me. But I am trying. The problem being getting a job and doing said job are entirely different skills. One I have not at all, the other I have out the ass. I'm almost at a point where I don't think I can get any job.

Hertz, give me a chance!! I did a great job, before my mother died. I never wanted to quit, I just wanted the time off! You know I can do the job!! Let me prove it!!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Still Being Punk'd by God

A week ago, after posting, I got the phone interview. I thought I did well, I thought I explained my firing by being honest, and explaining my problems with depression. Her last words to me were that I would either be called to schedule the in person, in depth interview or I would get the thanks, but no thanks letter.

I still haven't gotten the thanks, but no thanks letter, but everybody else who was in my training class got an interview scheduled right then on the phone. I was crushed. ok. My psyche was fragile enough already. So, except for when I was on the phone with customers, I been, pretty much, crying constantly. It's not a perfect job, I understand that. There are things about it which I don't like, low starting pay, few holidays, no mute button, no putting customers on hold unless you're calling a CSR. I liked it, and I was good at it.

Now they're telling me that I should be optimistic, that I don't know what's going to happen. Well, I do know that they're considering temps from other cities, whose center isn't hiring over me. Oh, they just called so-and-so just today (Friday), they can still call you. Keep doing a good job. have a good attitude.

God, I could scream. I can't be optimistic, I'm. A. Depressive!!!! I've had 3 major depressions in the last 3 years, each one worse. Life has no meaning for me. Yet I'm supposed to pull happy thoughts out of my butt?!

I guess I can kind of see their point. People who've never had a major depression just don't understand. It's supposed to be so easy to keep a positive outlook. They don't know any other way.
Well. Neither do I.

I can't chase rainbows. With the Hubby on disability, everything is on my shoulders. This means I have to, yet again, start looking for a job. A permanent job. And I hate looking for a job, I'm not good at it. I really suck at interviews, yet here I go again.


Maniacal laughter ensues.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Yes, I had to go through the whole rigamarole for SWA, posting resume online, and such, even though I'm already in the building, already doing the job. I did it. I decided I'd jump through their hoops. I understand what I'm in for, lousy hours, midweek days off, mandatory overtime, having to work the few official holidays, I'm game for that. I like the company, and I like what I'm doing. Yes. My sanity may be in question.

I get a note from my temp agency saying I'm going to be called in the next two days between 3:30 and 8:00 pm to schedule an interview. Wasn't called Wednesday or Thursday, and by Friday I was getting antsy. Friday I was given a packet to fill out, application, drug and felony junk, so still feeling like I'm jumping through their hoop, but maybe getting somewhere.

Now it's Saturday, still haven't been called for the interview (and, yes, DAMN IT, I'm already doing the job, why do I have to jump through the same hoops as Joe Nobody off the street?!), still need to finish filling out the app junk.

This is making me CRAZY. I want THIS JOB. I'm damn good at it. I actually enjoy it. But it doesn't do my shakey sanity any good to have my head messed with this way.

Any way.

My husband still hasn't checked himself into SHARE and St Anthony's yet. He did, however, find out that Medicare only pays 50% for mental health, so that kind of screws us. He doesn't just need anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills thrown at him, he needs therapy, too. Damn.

Part of me says he should just go ahead and do it, and just not pay the bill. That actually kind of works for me. Medicare is supposed to be there for him, all of him. I've had lots of doctor and hospital bills from the last year or so. The copays I couldn't pay used to bug the crap out of me. Was, in fact, one of my anxiety hot buttons. The last time I was in therapy, aside from learning I couldn't control my husbands feelings, was I'm not going to worry about those bills. Should I pay them? Yeah, but they're not the priority, that's the mortgage, car payment, utilities, last years taxes (yike). What?! Are they going to make my credit WORSE?!

HA, HA, HA, HA, HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh, god! Now that's funny!