Cry-y, Whiney Day

Guess what I ran out of on Friday?

The weekend was fine, and I started out today okay, but it's been a slow slide downhill.

I didn't actually start out okay, Cooter kept trying to wake me up, from about 3:30 on. And he's a persistant Coot - he'll stand on my chest and lick my face if it isn't covered, then nibble on my feet if they're not covered. If everything's covered (and I don't like my head being covered - I feel like I'm suffocating), he'll lay down and whine. I gave up at 4:30, walked the boys and napped on the couch (having weird dreams) until 6:30, when I had to get ready for work. To be fair to the boys, it was an hour later than normal.

I get to work, and there are already 13 people on hold. Geez, people, I don't give a crap about your travel problems today. Have some responsibility for your own reservations.

Jimmy is down to 10 days now. I'm looking forward to Charleston. I found a cool walking tour - Ghosts of Charleston - I found it on CNN. Just now, Googling, I also found this one, Ghosts & Legends of Charleston. Luckily Jimmy's going to be there a while, I can't see all I want to in just one little visit.

On a scale of 1 to 10:

My anxiety is an 8.
My depression is about a 7.

Can today just be over?

Well, I do still have a job. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Jimmy called on Saturday. On my cel phone. While I was at work. Kinda got in trouble with the supervisor. Horrors!! I didn't put my job before my family!! I took a personal call when I was supposed to be attached to the phone!!

I have only three words to say:
Kiss. My. Ass.

I didn't get to talk to him very long, but he sounds good. He wants us to blow off Chicago (Ha! Blow off! Ha!), because he goes to Charleston, SC just a couple hours later. He does want us to come to Charleston, because he'll have a 3 day liberty once he's processed (or whatever). I'm pretty sure I have the vacation time, but I'm not sure all the days are available.

Wow!! Who Knew?!

My blog is worth $1,693.62.
How much is your blog worth?

Via Skippy.

The New and Improved Me!

Well, maybe not new. I still have some negative thoughts running around my brain, but I'm trying to replace them.

I go back to work on Friday. There have been some issues about that. Like my work was never told by the Short Term Disability people that my claim had been approved. They told me on the phone and, silly me, assumed my work also knew, so I didn't call in. They had me counted as "No-Call, No-Show", which, in call center terms, is bad. My HR person at work told me to call them again, and I did, and they were supposed to refax to the claims department (does anybody know what the hell is going on?). That very day I get a letter saying my STD was approved. Jesus H. Christ!! Sooo, I never did call in, soooo we'll see Friday if I have a job. I'm not really worried about it (the unimproved me would have been), I have my letter and my new quasi-assertiveness going for me.

We'll see how it goes.

I need to visit the facilities, and then potty the boys, so I better go for now.

Sunday Thoughts

I finally got a letter from Jimmy at Great Lakes Naval Station. It turns out he had sent out an earlier letter but didn't put a stamp on the envelope.

Since I was up front about what happened to me, he reminded me that suicide is bad. He also says his life sucks, he gets yelled at all the time, has little time for calls, you know normal basic training stuff. He's wondering if he made the right decision. he called hope a plague.

He also said not to bother with graduation, because just a couple of hours later, he'll be going on the Charleston and Nuke School. He says it would be better to visit him during his 15 day leave at Christmastime. Yeah, good luck for me to get time off then.

But it was good to hear from him. He still has his wry sense of humor.

I'll probably have to go back to work at the end of next week. I may be ready, but I'm not looking forward to it. I am sooooo burned out of that job! I mean I love the people and the company has been pretty good to me, but I'm sick of it. I want to do something I enjoy, something I'm meant to do. I just don't have a clue as to what that is. I'd like to go to college. Maybe that would be a good first step.

And no, I still haven't done my therapy homework.

Re: "Recruit McNey Reporting for Duty"

It's been one month today. I just realized that. I've now sent him three letters and have only received one. Yes, I know he's busy. What can I say? I know he's a man now, but I'm still a mother.

A mother but not a mother hen; the ex has been calling pretty regularly (ik). First to see if Jimmy was still here, that he needed to say goodbye. Then to see if I had the address, and hell, yeah I did, but the Hubby didn't tell him that. The last time was to say (I guess) he'd had a call from Jimmy, and the Hubby, not gently, told him not to call anymore.

There's a part of me that says, "well he should have called me, too!!" Like I said just before, he's a man now. I'm going to let him be a man, even if I don't like it. And, again he IS busy, and he's never really been one to write, and if 3 of the 6 girls I've given his address to are in contact with him, who knows, he might not have any spare time left.

Today is day 2 of Birthday Week. Yesterday would have been Mama's 81st birthday. Today is my deceased F-in-L's birthday, tomorrow is MY BIRTHDAY, Friday is the B-in-L's birthday (but he doesn't count), and Saturday is Jimmy's. I've already told Jimmy he needs to aim for October 17th. No reaction.

Still being lazy about Therapy homework, journaling, timeline, letters to my parents. I'm starting to get a little apprehensive about going back to work. I need to find out what I want to do, and go back to school. I can't take any more mind-numbing, soul-destroying jobs. I really DO need to think about me and my needs. AAAAnnnndddd I need to be more assertive, and I need to set and keep boundaries.

I'm still working on those last two.

Well, I Should Be Working

I'm supposed to be doing a timeline and jounaling for my group therapy. But I haven't done either. Well, I've wrote down some of my past: 0-6 that I can remember and some of 7-12. But, damn, most of what I went through after 3rd grade (when I got spanked for not finishing my work, not a big deal to most, but I made it a big deal), it seems like I created myself. I still say, if I had taken Mama's advice (Laugh with them! Kind of in the mode of "Never let them see you sweat."), the merciless teasing would have went away. I decided to look at myself through depression-colored glasses (and just what color IS depression).

To a degree, I feel (look!! I'm using I statements!) like I'm both connected with my group, and disconnected. Most had really crappy childhoods (involving alcohol, abuse or both), but I didn't. I knew I was loved by a big group of people, Mama and Daddy, Aunt (pronounced Ain't) Ninnie, Grandma (technically my great-grandma), Grandma Ben (Mama's mama), Grandmother (Daddy's mom), and uncounted aunts and uncles and cousins, and even my sister. But I still had this huge sense of self loathing, and a raging social phobia that went light years beyond my natural reticence, that I can't really connect with anything.

And, I don't know what I said, but now their griping at the Hubby. Saying he's some kind of attention hog because of his disease, and that's not true. Now, if I try to get them to take that back, I'll be the one in denial. Yeah, the Hubby has his problems. Yeah, he should probably be the one in group therapy, doing his time line. But I'm the one who went beyond suicidal talk, to having the pills in my hand. I can only help me, and that's what I'm doing. But, I swear, get off my husband's back!! I'm not babying him, I care about him. I'll love him forever, and be with him until he or I die.

Oh, and there's a new guy in group. Bipolar, about 10 years older than me. I swear I get fucking annoyed (another I statement!) with him! It's like he's proud of the 35 years of therapy and hospitalizations and medications. Ok, maybe he should be proud of that, in a way, but does he have to lord it over us. I really can't stand know-it-alls, even mentally ill ones. I feel like he's trying to take over and show us all up (oooh! I'm getting good at that!).

So, maybe I should be ready to go back to work on Monday. Maybe I need to fly out of the nest, though if you would have asked me last week about that, I'd have said you're nuts.

As for me, I'm still leaning toward Bipolar II. But hell, I don't know.

Shocked...and Numb

Again, I want to thank my readers for their concern! It's really been a help.

On the insurance front, I still haven't received my cards, but was told by my HR that I could print out copies off the web. So I was able to do that. Since I got the low option, I still have to pay 30%, which for SHARE at ST Anthony's is around $66 A DAY.

Yeah, tell me that THAT doesn't push one of my anxiety buttons!

On the therapy front, I'm still trying to do my timeline, but my past wasn't that traumatic. My therapist has suggested I may be Bipolar. I was completely shocked, I mean, pick my jaw up off the floor time! In my mind, I have never been manic. Part of my homework, besides the timeline, was reading up on Bipolar. It seems like I may have Bipolar II, which has milder manic episodes, called "hypomania". Which, like I said, I can't tell you I've ever had. But also, you could have recurring depressive episodes (yes), be either resistant to antidepressants or they stop working after awhile (yes).

The only thing I can compare the way I'm feeling to is when I learned at around 16 I had epilepsy (no, I don't have seizures anymore). The shocked, numb feeling giving way to the "well, that answers that" feeling. Right now I'm still more shocked than relieved.

Oh, that brings up another thing I read, some study says (or implied, or whatever) that people with epilepsy are more prone to Bipolar.

I may have answers now, let's see what happens next.

A Big Thank You...

To those concerned about me.

I'm now in an outpatient program, also at St Anthony's. I'm really impressed by it. I'm feeling alot better, but have a ways to go.
But now I'm having insurance problems - with the switch from being an employee of Company A, to being an employee of a separate company, whose client is Company A, I was supposed change insurance. It was supposed to be as of October 1, I have recieved no new insurance information. My doctor's don't want me to go back to work, and I really have to agree, but right now feel like I may not have any choice. This sucks, it just goddamned well sucks!