I guess I owe my handful of readers an explanation.

I've been going downhill for a while now. Yeah, I know, "Like, I can't tell!!" Week before last with the anxiety, last week the Hubby found out about being overdrawn. And all of a sudden life didn't seem like living. I grabbed my secret stash of sleeping pills that didn't work right on the Hubby, a cup of water and went out to my car. The Hubby called me on the cell phone telling me he had called the sheriff. It was like something broke through, I still had the pills in a death grip, but I decided I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live, either.

I didn't wait for the sheriff. I drove to my family doctor (the really cute Jesse Ray XXXXXXXX). On the way there, the Hubby called me, frantic, asking me where I am. I told him I was going to the doctor. I called for an appointment from the parking lot. "I have an appointment at 11:15," the receptionist said, at 11:20. I told her that was ok since I was already in the parking lot. So, I pretty much got right in, pills still in the death grip.

"You know I can't let you leave." he said. From there, I went, by ambulance, to Deaconess ER. They said I was to be admitted to St. Anthony, but had to have a ride. So, I called the Hubby, who hadn't heard from me in a long time and was about sick.

I was inpatient in St Anthony for 4 days.

I talk more later, there's a thunderstorm coming.

I'm Back!!

From going around the bend!

And let me tell ya, the psych ward is a trip!

I'd tell ya now, but my boys need to go potty.

Breaking News

My Aunt (pronounced ain't) Ninny has died.

She was born August of 1924, to my Great Grandma, Virginia Pendergrass, and she was also named Virginia.

Mama was born October 11, 1924, to Grandma's Daughter, Ben. Since Grandma Ben was 15 at time, Mama was raised by Grandma, who she always called Mama. They were raised as twin sisters. Even though the only thing that made them look alike was their brunette hair, they were often confused (I could never figure that out). Mama would say they would ask her, "Are you you, or are you your sister?" To which Mama would reply, "I'm me!" (At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "Are the people you grew up with STUPID?")

Mama always called Virginia "Ninny". She said Aunt Ninny tried to get her to stop when they were in high school, but you can see how that worked.

Her life has never been easy: miscarriages, worthless-ass abusive, drunk husband, a daughter who died of ovarian cancer at 24, but she was always a survivor. And she always had a smart mouth.

She deserves her rest.

Spewing...Again

But, since I have no readers (or, if readers, no commenters), nobody to tell me "Just shut the fuck up!!"

The Hubby has now found out how overdrawn we are (but over half are bank fees - crooked-ass banks!), and demanded the checkbook and my debit card.

Now, it's like I'm split in two: the depressed half, who blames everything (including the weather) on herself, wants to die (Plan A is in my purse right now - and, no, it's not some messy-ass gun); and the angry half who says it's not (all) my fault. In fact, my angry half says, I'd lay the blame at the Hubby and the M-in-L's feet. I understand (well, as much as I can) that the Hubby isn't ever going to be pain free, his condition deteriorating as time goes by, so I understand him keeping himself busy with hobbies (guns, cars, motorcycles). Why do I have to be the one to tell him "NO, you shouldn't buy whatever now." He's an adult, can't he show some self-restraint? I know I'm nowhere near perfect, but at least my phobia (or it might be a superstition) of spending money on myself (bad things happen), kind of keeps me from crazy spending(kind of).

I just wish I could be Angry Grrl, or a variation, at home, but there I'm Weepy Wanda. Afraid of everything, taking the blame for everything, no life, no future.

Well, the Hubby is probably going to learn how horribly overdrawn I am today. One look at the checkbook (I put no numbers in, if they're negative), and he starts yelling at me. I know he'll ask his mom (who works at the bank) what's going on, and learn I'm almost 400.00 in the hole. And still over half are stupid-ass bank fees. And if the Hubby didn't get his latest gun we'd be ok. And yet it's still all my fault.

Jesus Christ!!! It's like I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to die!

"...Am Not Dead."

I finally heard from my son!! He says he dialed wrong and the phone ate his change and he had to keep moving. WHEW!! What a load off my mind.

He sounds either homesick or lonely, because he's asking for lots of letters, from family and 6 (yes, 6!) girl friends.

Being Spun

I've calmed down muchly. I'm still in the hole for almost 300.00 (and 162.00 of that are fees), but so are alot of my coworkers. And, yeah, this is really personal shit, but it has to come out. And you've got to think about the Katrina evacuees, who, like me, lived paycheck to paycheck, praying for payday when their account would be made whole (at least temporarily). Will their banks understand? I'm pretty sure the banks will be up and running before the evacuees. Will they be understanding (most likely in a "Noblesse Oblige" kind of way)? And can somebody tell me why it's ok to pay slave wages for rebuilding the Gulf Coast when the companies are probably going to make money hand over fist (in an Iraq kind of way)? And pollution should never be ok! And if I here one more thing from the Hubby and family about the poor president and it's not his fault and it's all the fault of the Mayor and the Governor - I'm just going to scream!

It makes me remember how seamless it was after the May 3rd, 1999 tornadoes. The little town of Mulhall, in Logan County north of Guthrie was pretty much wiped of the map. FEMA swept in and before you knew it the families were in temporary housing, the school was being rebuilt, and permanent houses soon followed. I know you really can't compare tornadoes to hurricanes, but you can compare the two different administrations reactions. There was the Big Dog, the last real president we had, President Clinton, it was like the day after - trash and debris everywhere (he toured Spiva Drive in Del City almost directly across from Tinker AFB - at the time I had an Aunt and a Niece who lived there) hugging and talking to real people, letting them break down and cry. It wasn't like a photo op, it wasn't manufactured, it wasn't spun.

Oh, and speaking of spinning, I am now working for somebody else, even though my job, job title, pay (so they say), location haven't changed. This change I'm not sure of. Three and a half years ago I started with one big conglomero - was spun off to one of their subsidiaries - who has now spun us off to something else - I'm not in the big conglomero at all, but they're my client!(?)

I'm Having a HUGE Anxiety Attack!!

And this is supposed to be a vacation. I didn't go anywhere, but I should be happy not to be at work.

Instead, I keep wishing I just went ahead and had a heart attack or stroke, so I didn't have to worry so much.

I'm overdrawn (waaay over), with no money coming in for a week (yes! a week!).

Damn!!

"Recruit McNey Reporting for Duty"

First he happened to say it to another recruit, so he had to start over.

"Recruit McNey reporting for duty," and he saluted smartly. "Permission to board?"
And so it has started. He doesn't actually leave until tomorrow. He has a drug test to do, and some paperwork.

Sigh.

And I bawled.

As cool as I was with his decision, I wasn't ready. Look at me, I'm about to cry now.

I've been needing to write for a while now, but what do you say? Being in the travel industry, I think the airlines could be doing more, but as they're a big money pit, they probably think they're bleeding money as it is. Hey, how 'bout you not pay your CEO's megamillions? Case in point, (and yes, I get the willies about blogging about work) a woman had purchased tickets to go to her dad's birthday (a big one, like 80), from New Orleans to wherever. The airline would either let her reissue without the fee (but would still have to pay the difference in fare to change the outbound city) or refund the whole thing. The passenger wanted to use the tickets, but didn't have the money to change, so is getting the refund. Can I repeat that? SHE WANTED TO USE THE TICKETS. Go to the airlines web page and read their arcane hurricane rules.

Less than a week to go. Really not sure if it's Monday or Tuesday. Still would like to see him off at the airport, or bus station (which in OKC, is not a great place to hang around), but I don't think that's possible. Still haven't planned any going away thing. I am SO not good at that (well, I am Ms. Not Together). I told Jimmy my sister (Ms. Together) asked if I was having a going away party. He said, "Are you happy I'm going away?" As always, Mr. Sarcasm.
"NOOOO!" I don't remember what else I said, except: "I don't know what to have. Ice Cream and cake were suggested."
"I like cake," Jimmy answered.

Who doesn't.

I've also kind of decided that recruiters need to make sure the recruit's mother isn't in or near PMS on the entry date. That's....part of my problem. And...it still seems like forever to me. He's such a great kid...guy. I'm really proud of him.

I've decided I'm as bleeding heart liberal as they come. Even if I have noone to talk/bitch to about our incompetent government. Katrina is another thing I can't discuss with the Hubby. And I'm not real sure about my family, either. I'm...different. But, I'll tell ya, I'd rather have a bleeding heart and want to try to help everyone, than a heart of stone that only softens to seven figures. I have never seen such callousness. They put Nixon to shame. There he is, (if there is a God) standing in Hell, weeping with joy.

If anybody reads this, I need someone to talk to.