Lazy Sunday

I'm still into HP4. Taking a break from it.

I think I'm not going to leave anybody comments anymore. The reasons?
Let's see:

1. I'm prone to serious depression.
2. I have no self-esteem.
3. I have little self-confidence.

I have to say I'm not completely untalented, I know people who can talk all day long, but can't put two words together in writing. Yeah, I can write forever, but basically about myself and the things around me. And my life is boring. I just end up feeling SO STUPID!

How can I say my 5 or 6 stories that cycle in my head are any good? Just because I like them doesn't make them good. I may not be exactly stupid, but I'm certainly not smart.

You know, as a fat, shy, ugly kid, all I wanted was to belong. Because I didn't. All I wanted to be when I grew up was RICH AND FAMOUS. I guess that's why I always loved the odd times we picked Mama up at the Black Hotel. Everybody knew me and said hello to me.

I always felt like I was meant for something, that I was special. But I'm nothing. I'm nobody. And, yeah, knowing that kind of hurts.

Well, I'm going back to lose my self in HP4.

It's a workday Saturday. Hopefully not busy.

HP-wise, I've now finished 3 and am on 4. I'm still not convinced Snape is all bad. Jimmy's reading Guns, Germs and Steel - and evidently it's a slow read, it's been, like, a week and he hasn't finished it yet. I'll read it next.

And I have informed both the Hubby and Jimmy that I am not in their little war. I've also informed the Hubby that I think he's being to hard on Jimmy. His room isn't messy, and his closet is mostly still moving boxes full of old toys (and if you don't like it, don't look in it). I've told the Hubby that this is what normal kids go through at the 14-16 range (when Jimmy was busy being an honor student). And, if you think about it, The Hubby ought to be glad he's having such a hard time with Jimmy. It means, well, to me at least, Jimmy has fatherish feelings towards The Hubby, that he cares enough to rebel against. Does that make sense to anybody but me?

Oh, and the dog alarm has been going off between 5:00am and 5:30am. Bubba's woofs I can ignore, but Cooter licks and nibbles, first me then The Hubby.

The Hubby's getting a new engine put in his '95 Tahoe to match the new transmission put in early in the year. The new engine and transmission are still way cheaper than buying a new car. So I have now pinned the Hubby down as driving to Chicago in November. YAY!! I love to travel!!

I just don't get to do it much.

I finished 2, have started 3.

I'm still slightly blue. I'm at work, grudgingly. But I don't want to be at home either. The Hubby had a big giant fight with Jimmy. Same old stuff, messy room (I don't think so), messy car that he doesn't take care of, except this time he added about not sended thank you cards. I had called home at lunch, the Hubby didn't sound like he felt well (chest pains and the like), so I asked him what was wrong and he told me of the fight. And, again, that he's going to kick Jimmy out. Then he went on to add that nobody does anything unless he tells them to. I got angry (because I was included in his list) and hung up.

I hate my life. I'm not sure I want to be in it anymore.

I did get an odd letter yesterday. Some nobody oil company wants to buy my mineral rights for $650.00 an acre. I was shocked. It makes me think I'll actually get royalties some day. But to me the oil lease money was nice, and I did get a nice house and got to live like I wanted to for, like, 2-3 months, but I never expected to get anything else out of it.

more later.

Now To Do What I Do Best...

Obsess about myself.

Now that I'm working the 4-day, 10-hour shift, my days off are Thursday, Friday and Sunday. I have no excuse to miss going to the M-in-L for breakfast and to read the paper. The hubby's brother and his wife (aka Mr. and Mrs. Know it all - Mrs. K-it-A just happens to be the Hubby's ex) are usually there - hogging the paper, and talking about how important they are, making me wish I was at work.

Mrs. K-it-A asks me when Jimmy goes in. I tell her the middle of September.
"Well, that's a long time!" she says.
Mr. K-it-A chuckles and says, "Not really!"

So why did that bother me? To me September feels like tomorrow. And then my son's going to be gone forever, and I'm the only one who cares.

I realize that's probably irrational (such is my life), but I can't seem to shake it. And I was always the one who wanted him to go to college outside of the OK-TX area, so he could be his own man. What the hell is wrong with me?! If he's strong, pretty level headed and has a wide independent (or stubborn) streak, doesn't that mean I did SOMETHING right?!

I just can't shake it. It gets tied up in the memories of visiting Grandmother (Daddy's Mom), Sundays in Clinton, OK - less than once a month. Except now it's going to be me.

Again I ask: What the HELL is wrong with me?!!

Well, I finished The Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon. It is really good, but left me thinking about the character Sammy Clay.

But...but...but... What about Sammy?

It was one of those books, I could really get into the characters. But the ending left me feeling, "And then what?" I almost couldn't finish it (a la Wicked), but I forced myself.

I need to see if Jimmy has anymore books I haven't read, until then I've decided to cycle through the HP books again (I'm on book 2 now).

Some Thoughts on HP and the H-B P

Because my son won't discuss it with me!

SPOILER ALERT!!

Yes, Dumbledore is dead. He portrait is now hanging in the Headmaster's (mistresses?) office. The question is did he know he was going to be offed, and by who? Is that why he was taking so many risks, he knew he had to get as much done in as quick a time as possible? As much as I dislike Snape, I can't believe he's all bad. I mean, yeah, he's not all good, but the book's reasons for being bad - just didn't jibe with me. Yes, Dumbledore looked for the good in everybody, but he wasn't a patsy. This was a set up for both HP and Draco, IMHO.

I've read on other sites that HP is the last horcrux, yes I see that as a good possibility, but I don't want to think of HP sacrificing himself (after all, my son looks just like him, san scar). I can see him on in adulthood, married to Ginny (who'll be going with HP, Ron, and Hermione, hopefully along with Neville and Luna), with his children (Lily, James, Sirius - and one other) around him asking him to tell them the story of....(yet another time).

About the fake horcrux, and the initials R.A.B., I was thinking it was Regulus Black. But then I read somebody, who, rightly so, stated how could Kreacher then be controlled by HP? What if, I say, Regulus is also an unregistered animagus? Say - Crookshanks? I'd like it to be that. I'd like to hear other opinions (but geez, I only have, like, 4 readers).

I'm ready for the next one!!

D'OH!! Another two years!!

Sigh.

Oh, well, back to The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay.

I Just Finished!!

And OH MY GOD!!

This isn't a book to read at work. Especially at a call center.

I Got Mine! Did You Get Yours?

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, that is. My son picked mine up after he got off work, technically this morning. He's reading it now. I just finished If Chins Could Kill, Bruce Campbell's autobiography, and can start on The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon, while he finishes.

I'm at work today, having an emense anxiety attack. The (maybe, maybe not) irrational fear of being fired is kicking my ass today. And no, I don't like my job anymore, but everything is on my shoulders. And it bugs me. As the day goes by, I'm feeling a little better. The shooting pain in my neck is gone.

And yeah, I know I'm being selfish, and childish.

Warning! The Below May Be PMS!

I've decided that I'm sick. I'm sick of living. I'm sick of being such a drudge. I hate my job. I still think I'm going to be fired. Yes, I know that may or may not be irrational.

Yeah, I know how damn blessed I should feel. I'm heathy, I have a wonderful son, and on and on. I know all of that shit.

I just don't want to live like this anymore.

No! I don't want to kill myself! I just don't really want to be alive.

Because I'm not alive. I'm some friggin' zombie. I live from paycheck to paycheck. I don't get to travel (but I have all those benefits!! yeah, right.). I could go to movies (because I don't have to have the Hubby around for that), but that gets into my irrational fear of spending money on myself. So I read, and read, and read. And if I could read for a living how great would that be! Wouldn't it be great to work in a book store (and still make what I am now, and have decent health benefits)! Or do Audra's role (the young intern on Rick and Brad on the KATT), I'm not sure I could be a DJ. Or work at a decent newspaper (not a whole lot of them in OK).

I kind of envy those depressives that can just sleep, and that's all they can do. Just let life go and sleep.

Not me.

OH, as an aside, I finished Sophie's World, I've started If Chins Could Kill, and am looking forward to Harry Potter on Saturday. Like I said, if I could read for a living, I would.

Feeling crappy today, like I have a rock in my stomach.

If I could go home, I would.

I wish it were closer to Friday.

Having kind of a crappy day. Learned I am way overdrawn. Thanks to my car payment and spending without discipline. Thankfully, we're getting a loan to replace the engine in the Tahoe, plus some to pay off the M-in-L, so once it's in the checking account everything will be pretty cool until I get paid (Friday).

Why can't I just say no?

Well, still reading Sophie's World A Novel About the History of Philosophy by Jostein Gaarder. The history of philosophy part is really interesting, the novel part so-so. Looking forward to this weekend and Harry Potter (which has been purchased since May 5).

Well, I'm going to have to agree with Socretes, the only thing I know, is that I know nothing.

Two Things About Oklahoma

This editorial in the NY Times (requires registration) about the hoo-hah at the Tulsa Zoo.

But before I can say, "makes me glad I'm an OKC girl," there's this in today's Daily disappointment:

Tribe seeks Bricktown casino
By Tony Thornton
The Oklahoman
An American Indian tribe wants to build a casino in downtown Oklahoma City or Bricktown, a move that Mayor Mick Cornett says he opposes but may be unable to stop.

This is the same city who swore to us that, if we throw money at Bass Pro, it'll bring sooo many people, and their tax dollars to Bricktown!! I've heard, from a very unreliable source, that Bass Pro isn't doing that well. It seems to me Harkins, the movie theater in Bricktown, would bring way more people to Bricktown. Oh, and they didn't have city money and perks thrown at them.

Maybe it's the heathen in me, but I think an Indian casino in Bricktown is a great idea! It seems so perfect, you can make it either westerned themed or prohibition themed.

Holy Crap!

I've been published! Ok, it's a response to yesterday's Altercation at msnbc.com, and under the real name, not the pseudonym. I can't breathe!

Both me and the Hubby got paid last Friday, and by the time I get paid again we'll be so far in the hole it's not funny. And I know it's my fault. I know I'm where the buck stops. It's just so difficult for me to say "no". "No, we can't afford it." It's easy for me to do without, I have irrational fears of spending money (bad things happen when I spend money on myself). But I guess I'm gonna have to come down hard. Sorry, my "inner counselor" is clucking at me: You aren't responsible for the Hubby's happiness. No, but I can't sit back and let him drown in sorrow and self-pity, either. Been there, done that, have the bills I can't pay.

On background, the Hubby has ankylosing spondylitis (or d.i.s.h. - diffuse ideopathic skeletal hypertosis), a form of arthritis that's fused his spine together. It's also spread to his shoulders, hips, and knees. He's in pain all the time. The less he moves, the less able he is to move. So I want him occupied and active. The more occupied and active he is, the less he'll dwell on the craphole his life seems to be (to him, at least). To me, he's still the big hunky guy I married, with alot to offer. He's just ... stiff.

Hey! Read This!

This here. It's almost scary how relevant it is even today.

Purchased and finished The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. Intruiging. I liked it.

I'm reading another one of Jimmy's books, Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. I just started it yesterday, so right now it's a little slow. And behind it will be the autobiography of Bruce Campbell, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor. I'm not sure why he bought this one (something about him not realizing it's an autobiography). But, with that big, beautiful picture on the cover, I couldn't resist.

Like the last few years, the evening of July Fourth was spent at the Grandmother of one of Jason's (the Hubby's son) friends. And I know almost noone. I know some of the kids (well they're in the 22-23 or so year range), the Hubby, and the M-in-L. I was kind of freaked out. There was tons of food, including 3 kinds of homemade ice cream. And the beer flowed like water. And they spent hundreds (if not a thousand) of dollars on fireworks. Some of the guys, who, I guess, thought they were good looking, went shirtless - and even the thinnest was developing a beer gut (Hello! not sexy!). And, yes, I know I'm talking about guys I've known since they were in 6th grade. Mentally, they haven't changed much. Most have girlfriends or wives, but I'm not sure why. Well, I only see them all together like that once a year, and then they're falling down drunk, and playing with explosives. And I realized, that if the people were changed to my co-workers and my family, also falling down drunk and playing with explosives, I wouldn't be Miss Polly Prude, I'd be having fun, too (though I can't stand firecrackers myself, never could, the noise bothers me). So, I tried to keep myself from clucking my disapproval, and let them have fun.

I would like to think positively about the future, but hearing what our senators (dumb and dumber) are saying, and what our local tv news also, it just scares the shit out of me. What happened to our constitution? I'd like to say, "What's happened to civility and tolerance" also, but let's face it, civility was only a mask and tolerance has never existed.

I would love to shove civility and tolerance down the throat of every Christian trying to shove their particular version of God down mine.

We the people of the United States of America, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestice traquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United State of America. (and a big thank you to School House Rock)


I'm just sayin'.

Oh, and the Borg can kiss my large, white, DEMOCRAT, ass.

The Hubby Has an Epiphany

"Did you know Jimmy's not mopey at work?!"

"Yeah, I knew that. He's only mopey at home."

"?!!"